The Bachelorette
by sakikui
Summary: Hermione finds herself the unlikely star of a reality dating TV show. It's exactly what it sounds like. Pairing TBD! Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: The inspiration for this story came from browsing fanfiction on this site. One constant seems to be the desire to ship Hermione with anyone and everyone, and I've read many unconventional ships done very well, and I don't really have a strong preference for one over another. I thought this might be the perfect opportunity to bring together two of my guilty pleasures, fanfiction and _The Bachelor_ franchise! **

**I honestly do not have a specific pairing in mind for the end. I'm going to let Hermione do her thing while trying to incorporate as much Bachelor-style drama as I can, with a wizard twist. In order for the story to work, the characters we know and love can't know each other well. I'm imagining an AU where everything is much more chill in the wizard world, and there are multiple wizard schools for the same country. Harry and Voldemort still exist, but Voldemort didn't make his comeback while Harry was in school.**

 **I'm open to suggestions for pairings, dates, etc. Tell me who you like and don't like. And don't take it too seriously. It's supposed to be ridiculous.**

* * *

Hermione Granger sat between her friends Luna Lovegood and Cho Diggory on the couch, sipping mimosas. Luna flicked her wand, and a strawberry took a bath in the chocolate fondue pot. An ad for the newest cleaning potion played on the screen.

"And now, the dramatic conclusion of this season of _The Bachelor!_ " the announcer boomed. Cho squealed.

"He picks the blonde," Hermione sighed. "Nothing dramatic there."

Gilderoy Lockhart's smile flashed on the screen. He stood on an amazing tropical beach, wearing a white tux. "So, there you have it, Bachelor Nation. Our bachelor Bill has sent Katie home in a heartbreaking goodbye."

"And what's wrong with picking the blonde?" Luna teased, chocolate dripping down her chin.

"You know what I mean," said Hermione. "Fleur is..."

"I think she's adorable," Cho defended, "and they're adorable together. You're always such a cynic, Hermione."

"I just think, and I said this from day one, it's unfair to have a half-Veela on this show," Hermione said.

"Shhh!" Luna scolded. "He's proposing!"

Bachelor Bill Weasley was down on one knee, and Fleur had burst into tears. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" she was crying, and Bill swept her off her feet, and they kissed.

"Awwww," Cho melted.

"Are you crying?" Hermione scolded.

"Is your heart made of stone?" Cho shot back.

"The only reason anyone goes on this show is because they get paid," Hermione said. "I doubt that hundreds of women were _that_ hot for a ginger. It's all fake, all an act."

"Okay, Hermione," said Cho, "so are you saying you wouldn't want to be the Bachelorette?"

"Ugh, of course not," said Hermione.

"I'd be down for kissing handsome men," said Luna. "I don't care if they're getting paid to do it."

The girls all burst into laughter. On the screen, Bill and Fleur got into the pegasus-drawn carriage, and they flew off into the sunset. Rose petals fell across the scene, transitioning to the announcement "We're looking for our next Bachelorette! To apply or to nominate someone, send a picture and a bio to the address on the screen!"

"Well, I have to break the seal," said Hermione, getting up.

When she was safely out of earshot, Cho turned to Luna and whispered, "Let's nominate Hermione!"

"Oh, no," said Luna. "She'd kill us!"

"She wouldn't have to know!" Cho said.

"But if she found out...if she got picked!" Luna said.

The toilet flushed. "I'm doing it," Cho said.

Hermione re-entered the living room, cradling her cat Crookshanks in her arms. "You guys got quiet."

Cho and Luna shot each other sidelong glances and giggled.

* * *

Hermione sat in her office and sighed. She was running out of paperwork, so she clicked over to the cat rescue site tab open on her computer. "Awww...," she said, scrolling through the newest editions. She saw the shorthair tortoiseshell was still there from last week.

"Oh, what the hell," she thought. "I'm getting her."

She reached for the phone, but it started ringing. She picked it up.

"Ministry of Magic, Law Enforcement," she said.

"Hello," said a voice that sounded eerily familiar. "I'm looking for a Miss Hermione Granger."

"This is she," Hermione answered tentatively.

"Hello, Miss Granger. It's such a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gilderoy Lockhart from MBBC's _The Bachelorette_."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Hermione said, wondering which of her co-workers was playing a prank on her. She flicked her wand to activate the call tracer. A window popped up on her computer screen with Gilderoy Lockhart's face and the text, "This call is coming from the Magical British Broadcasting Corporation headquarters in London, England. You are speaking to Gilderoy Lockhart." "Bollocks!" she cursed involuntarily, still imagining this was an elaborate ruse.

"Well, nice to meet you too," said Lockhart. "You must be surprised. Miss Granger, your friends Cho Diggory and Luna Lovegood nominated you to be our next Bachelorette, and..."

"They did WHAT?!" she shrieked.

"I know, isn't it exciting?" Lockhart said. "They had only the best things to say about you, Hermione, and your photograph is just stunning! Our casting team would really like to meet you!"

"No," she said suddenly. "Sorry, I've gotta go."

"But Miss Granger!"

She hung up the phone. "Of all the nerve!" she exclaimed. She picked up the picture of Cho and Cedric on their wedding day. "This was your idea, wasn't it?" she scolded the picture. She picked up the phone and dialed Luna.

"Hermione?" Luna answered. "Can I call you back?"

This was a normal response for Luna, who was always engaged in something bizarre. "You nominated me for the Bachelorette?!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Ohhhh, that," said Luna. "Yeah, I told Cho you wouldn't want it, but she insisted. But hey, I really need to call you back. I'm on a date."

"A date? With whom?" Hermione asked.

"Someone I just met at the Ghost Convention," Luna answered.

"Someone you just met...he's _alive_ right?" Hermione asked with a laugh. Luna didn't answer right away. "Luna?"

"Yes, she's alive," said Luna with an awkward laugh. "Did you get a casting call?"

"Yes!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh, how wonderful! You must tell me how it goes. Talk to you later!" She hung up.

Hermione leaned back so hard in her chair that it nearly tipped over. The phone rang again, and she recognized Lockhart's number. She ignored it and turned back to the cat rescue site. "Ghost Convention," Hermione scoffed. "Luna's always hooking up with weirdos at those things." She looked at the patronizing smile of Cho and Cedric, and she flipped the picture over. "And I'm going to get this cat. Yes, that's what I'm going to do." The phone kept ringing. "All I need...is this cat..." The phone kept ringing. She picked it up. "WHAT?!"

"Sorry there, Miss Granger," said Lockhart. "It seems we got disconnected there."

"We didn't..." She looked back at the cat.

"I'm authorizing you to come to our office through the Floo Network. What time could you be here?" Lockhart asked.

"I'm..." She looked at the sad lack of paperwork on her desk, and thought about the tub of cookie dough at home. "I'm so sorry we got disconnected," said Hermione. "I could be there in about two hours."

"Great!" Lockhart said. "We're looking forward to it."

"Me too," she said shakily, wondering what the heck she was saying and why she was saying it.

* * *

"Cho...," Hermione said into the phone. She was staring at her wardrobe at a loss. "I need help."

"Sure, what's up?" Cho answered.

"I need a nice dress," said Hermione. "I think."

"You _think_ you need a nice dress," Cho repeated.

"Gilderoy Lockhart called me and I have an interview in an hour and I have nothing to wear!" Hermione spat out quickly.

"WHAAAT?!" Cho screeched.

"Can you bring me a little black dress?" Hermione asked, her voice tiny in comparison to Cho's freak-out voice.

"Why the hell...an hour?!"

"It was an impulse decision, okay!"

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, okay, okay, I have one, except it's gonna be too small around the boobs for you, so...it's PERFECT! I'll hop on my broom and be right there!"

"You know what? It's fine. I'll call Lockhart back and tell him I can't."

"Oh HELL no!" Cho shouted. "You deserve this, girl. You _need_ this. I know you're thinking about getting a second cat."

"I am not!" Hermione lied.

"You haven't been on a date since high school! And you're a strong, independent, beautiful woman. Guys are going to _swoon_ , Hermione."

"They're not even gonna pick me," said Hermione. "They're gonna pick a blonde bimbo like every other time."

"They called you for a reason," said Cho. "And once they see you in this dress...yes, they _have_ to pick you! See you in a few!"

"Yeah, thanks," said Hermione, hanging up and feeling like she was going to vomit.

* * *

She arrived at the MBBC and gasped for breath. Cho's dress prevented her from taking in very much breath. She checked the tape around her boobs to make sure it wasn't faltering.

"Hermione Granger?" asked a woman with curly blonde hair all over the place and thick-rimmed cat-eye glasses.

"Yes," said Hermione.

"Great," said the woman, checking off Hermione's name on the scroll floating in front of her. "Just wait here. Lavender Brown?"

"HERE!" exclaimed a girl in a rainbow-colored sundress. She had long, curly brown hair tied up with an oversized bow.

"Lavender, you will be first," said the woman.

Lavender let out a squeal so high-pitched, a dog barked outside. The woman opened the door and ushered her in. Lavender was balancing on stilettos so high, she wobbled as she went through the door.

"Well, at least _she's_ no competition," Hermione thought. She glanced around at the waiting room. A picture of Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour on a beach surrounded by rose petals was prominently displayed next to a picture of Gilderoy Lockhart surrounded by the women from Bill's season. "I wonder how many of them _he's_ hooked up with," she thought. She poured herself a glass of wine from the bottle that sat on the coffee table.

A clamor came from within the casting room. The door opened, and two buff male wizards dressed in black robes and wearing black sunglasses were escorting Lavender out.

"But I just wanted to touch his hair!" Lavender sobbed. "His beautiful red hair!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said one. "Don't call us, we'll call you."

"Do you think they will?" Lavender asked.

"I wouldn't wait up," said the other. They dragged her to the fireplace and thrust her in, then approached Hermione. "Miss Granger?" they asked.

"Uhh, yes, that's me," said Hermione.

"You can't touch the interviewers," said one.

"Umm, noted," said Hermione.

"Alright," said the other. "You may enter." They opened the door and waited. She stood up, smoothed out her dress, and walked in.

Three people were seated at a round table: Gilderoy Lockhart, Bill Weasley, and the blonde woman. They were laughing at some private joke.

"This is Hermione Granger," said the woman. She pulled out a chair for Hermione, and Hermione sat. The men opened a folder in front of them with her name on it. In it she saw a photo of herself from Cho's wedding, and a copy of the letter Cho had written. "You recognize, I'm sure, our host Gilderoy Lockhart, and our past Bachelor Bill Weasley," said the woman, gesturing. The men extended their hands and shook hers warmly. "And I'm Rita Skeeter, the show's producer."

"Oh!" Hermione gasped. She extended her hand to Rita. "It is such an honor to meet you."

"Thank you, Miss Granger," said Rita, returning the handshake. "Today we're just going to get a feel for what kind of Bachelorette you would be and what you're looking for."

"Right," said Hermione nervously, unsure what the answers to those questions were going to be.

"So, Hermione," Bill began, "am I saying that name right? Hermione?"

"Her-my-oh-nee, yes," Hermione laughed.

"Is there special significance to that name?" Bill asked.

"Just a family name," said Hermione.

"Tell us about your family," said Bill.

"Well, I'm muggle-born," said Hermione. They all nodded and wrote on their parchments. "Ummm...my parents are both dentists. I..I don't have any siblings," said Hermione.

"What about your dating history?" asked Gilderoy. "This letter says you haven't been on a date since high school."

"That's...that's correct," said Hermione, blushing and looking downward.

She waited for the inevitable question. It came from Lockhart: "How is a beautiful witch like you still single?"

And she gave the stock reply, "I guess I just haven't met the right guy." Rita rolled her eyes. "I love my work. I work for Magical Law Enforcement."

"An auror?" Lockhart asked with interest.

"More like, the person who tells the aurors what to do," she answered.

"I like it," said Rita with a laugh. Her quick quotes quill scribbled vigorously on the parchment. "So you're the classic career woman who never found time for a man. We can work with that, indeed. But let's get back to this idea of the 'right guy.' What does the 'right guy' look like for you, Miss Granger?"

"What does he look like?" she mused. Her glance strayed to Lockhart, and he winked. She felt herself flush. "I mean, I don't know that I have a physical type, honestly."

"So you'd say physical appearance doesn't matter?" Rita clarified.

"No," she said quickly. "I mean, practically speaking, appearance is a factor of attraction. Usually the first factor. But it can't be the only thing. My man needs to be intelligent, and successful, in one way or another." She smiled. "I have very high standards."

"But are you ready to marry Mr. Right, should you meet him?" Bill asked.

Hermione paused. "I guess it's the only thing missing for my life, so I would be a fool not to," she answered honestly.

"But do you _want_ to be married?" Lockhart pressed.

"To the right man, sure," said Hermione.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione stood in a sparkling gold dress outside of a beautiful mansion in the English countryside. Gilderoy Lockhart stood beside her in his signature white tux. "Well, Hermione," he asked, "are you ready to meet your future husband?"

Hermione took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be," she said.

"Alright," said Gilderoy, "here comes the first carriage. I'll meet you inside." He winked and left.

* * *

The last month had been a blur for Hermione. The MBBC's first choice for Bachelorette, Astoria Greengrass, had fallen critically ill one month before filming was to start. Hermione had only one month to prepare: to secure herself a replacement at work, to get fitted for what felt like a hundred dresses, to sign the appropriate release papers, and to pack up the necessary things to move into her new home during filming. The boys would all live in this mansion, while Hermione was living by herself in a nearby cottage.

"So they have twenty-five men who wanted to meet Astoria Greengrass, who will now be meeting me," Hermione lamented to Cho and Luna. "This is already a mess! I bet they all go home after the first night."

"You are ridiculous!" Cho scolded. "They told the men. They had a choice. They _already_ chose you."

"So as long as _Hermione_ doesn't send them all home after one night, then all will be well," said Luna.

"It still worries me that these guys weren't hand picked for me," said Hermione.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," Cho said, "it's going to be fine. You're going to be great. You're going to be _married_!" She squealed on the last word.

"Maybe," said Hermione. "We'll see. I'm not getting married at the end of this just because it's what the show wants. I want it to be what I want."

"And you will still talk to us, right?" asked Luna.

"I'm allowed to consult with you on some things, yes," said Hermione. They squealed. " _But_ I can't use names. And you'll have to sign paperwork that you won't spoil the show for everyone."

"You can count on us," said Cho.

"We're here for you every step of the way," Luna agreed.

Hermione hugged her friends and stepped into the fireplace. None of the participants knew where they were going. The Floo network had been programmed to just take Hermione to the appropriate place, and pegasus-drawn carriages were picking up all of the men. Hermione found herself in her cottage, and the makeup crew, fashion crew, and of course, the camera crew were right there when she arrived.

* * *

A pegasus-drawn carriage landed in Godric's Hollow. A tall wizard with dark, disheveled hair and thick-rimmed glasses stepped inside.

"Hullo," he said to the few who were already assembled. "I'm Harry." He extended his hand to them.

"Harry Potter? No way!" exclaimed a skinny blonde guy.

"Ugh," sighed another, who had an Irish accent. "Now that's hardly fair."

"I'm not intimidated by Harry Potter," said another. "If anything, Potter, you should be intimidated by me."

Harry locked eyes with the last speaker. The man was undeniably handsome, and though they were all partially chosen for good looks, he was above and beyond. His blonde hair was slicked back, and he wore green Slytherin colors.

"Don't mind him, Harry," said the ginger beside him. "All's fair in love and television, right? My name's Ron. Ron Weasley."

"Weasley? As in Bill Weasley?" asked Harry.

"Yep, that's my brother," said Ron.

"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy," the Irish man said, trying to remember names.

"Colin Creevey," said the skinny blonde.

"My name's Seamus, Seamus Finnegan," said the Irish. "Looks like the carriage is full now. Say, what are you all going to do when you meet her?"

"I was...I was just going to say hi," said Harry.

"Well, that would work for _you_ , I suppose," said Seamus. "I'm looking to make myself stand out. I worked out a charm, see. I'm going to make doves appear when I step out of the carriage."

Draco scoffed.

"I'm going to make a scrapbook of all our time together," said Colin dreamily.

"They're letting you take pictures?" Ron asked.

"I'm a photographer for the Daily Prophet," said Colin. "They said it was alright as long as the pictures don't leave the mansion."

Draco scoffed again.

"Problem?" Harry asked.

"You all don't stand a chance, is all," said Draco. "If you have to resort to gimmicks to be remembered, you might as well not be here at all. Hermione is a classy lady. A smart lady, much smarter than the girls they usually pick. She's not likely to fall for cheap tricks."

"You should just be yourself," said Ron. "That's what Bill says."

Seamus looked out the window. "I'm screwed," he said.

* * *

The first carriage arrived, and the first guys who had stepped out all bled together for Hermione. She was not at all displeased with the MBBC's choices. All of her suitors had been handsome and successful, just as she'd asked.

The last man to step out of the first carriage was dressed all in black, had chin-length black hair, and wore a black robe. Hermione thought he looked much older than the other gentlemen she had met.

"Hello, Hermione," said the man in a sort of monotone voice. "My name is Severus Snape. I'm a potions master."

"Oh, hello, Severus. Nice to meet you," Hermione said politely.

They looked nervously at each other.

"I hope my being twice your age doesn't bother you," said Severus.

"Oh, not really," said Hermione, who had frequently found herself attracted to older men. "I'm just glad you didn't give a cheesy line about chemistry between us or something."

"Crafting potions is nothing like the silly Muggle art of chemistry," Severus said.

"Well, you'll have to tell me more about it inside," said Hermione.

Severus gulped and entered the mansion. The young men already assembled assumed he was a crewman who had wandered out of place until he took a bottle of butterbeer and sat down in the middle of a discussion of Quittech.

* * *

Cho put down her glass of champagne in shock. "Ew. Ew ew ew ew EWWWWW! Who thought _that_ was a good idea?"

"I don't know," said Luna. "He doesn't seem that bad."

"I mean, it's one thing to be old, but this guy isn't good looking in the slightest," said Cho.

"I don't know," said Luna. "He could be charming. I'm going to reserve my judgment."

A blonde man, the first to step out of the carriage, came on screen, alone. The text at the bottom of the screen read, "Cormac McLaggen, 27, Magical Model."

"Oh, that's more like it," said Cho. "I think he's the hottest so far."

CORMAC CAM: "Da **** is this old guy doing here? Move along, grandpa. Hermione is _my_ woman."

The show cut to another man, of African descent. He had dreadlocks and large, expressive brown eyes. The text read, "Lee Jordan, 25, Sports Commentator."

"I kinda like this one," said Luna.

LEE CAM: "There's something wrong with that bloke. He's like wicked creepy. He just be staring at us like..." He shivered. "I dunno. This is weird, man. What is he doing here? What is his game?"

SNAPE CAM: "Well, yes, I do suppose I feel out of place among all these youngins, but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here for Hermione. I have yet to see anyone here who can hold up to what I presume are Hermione's very high standards. She's a woman, and she is looking for a man."

"Ew ew EWWWWWW!" Cho said again. "So much ew. And nothing _ever_ good comes from the person who declares, 'I'm not here to make friends.' He was clearly just put here to be the villain. Come on, MBBC. Hermione deserves better."

"Shhh!" Luna scolded. "It's the next carriage!"

* * *

Harry and Ron were becoming fast friends as Draco sat quietly brooding. Colin Creevy was the first out of their carriage. He confidently took Hermione's hand and planted a kiss on it before pulling her in for a selfie.

"I don't think she liked that," said Ron.

"Like I said," said Draco, "no gimmicks. The first impression is the most important part. It's not just about being remembered, but being remembered as a potential husband. Alright, Seamus, looks like you're up."

Seamus gulped and staggered out of the carriage. Hermione smiled at him sweetly, and he got a boost of confidence. He flicked his wand and muttered a charm, and the end of his wand exploded, covering his face in ash. Hermione shrieked and rushed to his aid.

"Hullo, I'm Seamus, and I totally meant to do that," he said.

"Are you sure?" Hermione asked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," said Seamus weakly. Ron stepped out of the carriage and handed Seamus a Gryffindor handkerchief. "Thanks, man," said Seamus, wiping his face. Ron smiled and waved at Hermione, then popped back into the carriage. The three inside roared with laughter.

"Sounds like you're having fun in there," said Hermione.

"Yeah, there's good blokes," said Seamus. "Say, you want to pop in?"

"In the carriage? Is that allowed?" Hermione asked. She looked at the cameraman behind her, who shrugged.

"Yeah, why not? Hey, guys, Hermione is coming in!" Seamus called to the guys. He offered her his arm and escorted her inside.

"Smooth move, Finnegan," said Draco. He popped his head out the window. "Take her around the block, alright?" The driver nodded and pulled the pegasus reins.

"Oh my gosh, this is so much fun," said Hermione. "Thank you, guys!"

"Didn't you come in one of these?" asked Ron.

"No, I came by Floo!" she said with a pout.

"What?!" the guys exclaimed.

"I know! I got gypped! Okay, so, who is here? I've met Seamus, of course," she said, then turned to Draco on her other side. "Well, hello there."

"Hello there," said Draco slyly. "I'm Draco Malfoy."

"Draco Malfoy," said Hermione. "I like that name."

"You're gonna like it a lot more by the end of this," he said.

"Ohhhh, stop it," Harry interjected. "Hello, Hermione. I'm Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter?" she repeated. " _The_ Harry Potter?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "That's me."

"Oh, wicked!" said Hermione with a flush. "And now you're an Auror with Scotland Yard's supernatural division, right?"

"That's right," said Harry.

"I work in Magical Law Enforcement for the Ministry," said Hermione.

"No way!" Harry exclaimed. "Have we met before?"

"I think I would remember if I met Harry Potter," said Hermione. "Although I might have worked behind the scenes on one of your cases."

"Wicked," said Harry.

"Oh, well, that's nice, you guys have so much in common," said Ron. "Hullo, Ron Weasley."

"Weasley," Hermione repeated. "Are you...?"

"Bill's brother, yeah, that's me."

They looked at each other and nodded awkwardly.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Colin was staring out the window. "What the hell?" he said. "What the bloody hell? Those blokes just took Hermione for a spin in our carriage without me!"

The guys assembled all laughed, but they were also jealous, as their monologues indicated:

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY, 26, LIBRARIAN: "All's fair in love and reality television, I guess."

BLAISE ZAMBINI, 27, CRITIC: "HA! What an idiot. Those blokes traded up, haha."

DEAN THOMAS, 28, QUIDDITCH REFEREE: "Awww man, that's allowed? Well, damn. Where's a time truner when you need one?" A crewman muttered from offscreen. "Time turners aren't allowed? Well, damn."

Draco, Harry, Ron, and Seamus escorted Hermione into the mansion, and the men applauded. They took seats in the couch pit, and though most of them didn't know each other, they instinctively divided up by alma mater: Draco found his fellow Slytherin grads; Harry, Ron, and Seamus to the Gryffindors. A small group of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw grads sat between them.

Hermione prepared to welcome her suitors when Gilderoy tapped her on the shoulder. "Umm, Hermione? You aren't done yet."

"I'm not done yet?" Hermione asked incredulously. "But aren't there 25 men here?"

"There are 24," said Gilderoy. "Come, meet your last suitor."

"Oh," Hermione said. "Okay. Excuse me, gentlemen." She followed Gilderoy back outside.

Some particularly lovesick men said, "Byyyeeee," but the others were already getting up to crowd around the window.

"Was he late?" asked Blaise.

"If that's the case, she shouldn't even let the wanker in," said Draco. "It's bloody disrespectful."

"Look!" Lee exclaimed, pointing up into the sky. "It's a bird, it's a plane!"

"It's a show-off," Seamus groaned. The man was on broomstick doing all sorts of tricks before landing in front of Hermione. When the group recognized him, they gave an exasperated groan.

* * *

"Hello, Hermione," the buff man said in an Eastern European accent. "My name is Viktor Krum."

"Well, hello, Viktor," said Hermione, who for the first time that night was visibly blushing. "You are very good with your broomstick!"

Viktor smirked and chuckled. "Do you like Quidditch, Hermione?"

"I...ummm...," Hermione stammered. She really didn't pay very close attention to sports, Muggle or Wizard. "I don't mind watching occasionally."

He tossed her a golden snitch. "I play professionally for the Bulgarian National."

"Ohhh, wow!" Hermione said. "Seeker, I presume?"

"Ahhh!" Viktor cried in delight. "So you do know the sport! I look very forward to getting to know you, beautiful Hermione."

Hermione's face was on fire. "Ohhh, thank you, I will see you inside!"

The cocktail party portion of the night began. Hermione barely had time to breathe. Every corner she turned, a new handsome young wizard was pulling her aside for small talk. Most of their names she hadn't remembered from their first meeting at the carriages. But she did know her heart was constantly beating out of her chest, because they were all, in their own way, charming.

She finished talking to about five blondes in a row when she made her way to the champagne table, and she encountered a man she hadn't talked to yet. "Hullo," he said. He had short brown hair and big, brown eyes.

"Hello," she said, sipping her champagne. "It's Oliver, yes?"

He nodded. "Would you like to sit down for a minute?"

She'd been doing nothing but "sitting down for a minute" all night, but she smiled and accepted the invitation. They found a couch by the fireplace. Through the window, they heard the ruckus of drunkards splashing into the pool. They looked at each other and laughed.

"So how's this night all going for you, then?" asked Oliver.

"It's been good! Better than I expected, really," said Hermione.

"Oh?" asked Oliver. "What'd you expect, then?"

"Well, I mean, I wasn't anyone's first choice of bachelorette, so I was worried..." She stopped before saying, "I was worried nobody would like me."

He seemed to pick up on it. "All anyone's doing is talking about you out there," he said.

"Really?" she said, feeling like a little girl. There was another obnoxious splash outside. "Even them?"

"HERMIONE! I CAN MAKE THE BIGGEST SPLASH! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted a drunkard.

"There's your answer," said Oliver, and they laughed. Hermione felt the warmth of little fluttering butterflies in her stomach that came with that first bonding moment you share with a partner. "But hey," said Oliver, "I wanted to talk to you about something kinda serious now."

"Oh," said Hermione. "Alright." She'd literally just met this guy, and already they were getting serious?

"I just wanted to lay it all out there on the table so you knew exactly where I stood. You see, I have kids," said Oliver.

"Oh!" she said, relieved. "Is that all?"

"So you don't mind?"

"I mean, I've never really had a strong feeling either way about children. I guess I'd like them. I'm not really sure," said Hermione. "How old?"

"They're all between the ages of five and ten."

"Oh my!" she exclaimed, starting to feel overwhelmed. "They're _all_? How many...?"

"Twenty," he said seriously.

She had to set down her drink, and she eyed Oliver suspiciously. "This is a joke."

"Not at all," said Oliver. "I love them very much. Look, I brought you a picture." He reached into his interior suit pocket and handed her a photograph. Hermione looked, and then she threw her head back in joyful laughter. Oliver was standing beside a group of wizard children all in robes and holding broomsticks. The caption read, "Hogwarts Elementary Quittech League."

"You're a TEACHER!" she burst.

He touched her shoulder playfully. "So let me ask you again," he said. "Is this going to be a problem?"

"Not at all!" she exclaimed, chuckling. "Oh my gosh. Thank you. I needed a laugh."

They were interrupted by a tall, somewhat husky man with light brown hair and brown eyes. "Uh, hullo. Can I...?"

"Sure thing, mate," said Oliver. "You can hold onto that picture if you want, Hermione."

"Oh, thank you," said Hermione. "I love it."

He winked and departed, and the interrupter took his place. "Hullo, Hermione. I'm Dudley," he said, extending his hand.

She hadn't remembered his name, but she smiled and said, "Of course. How are you, Dudley?"

"It's good, good," he said, looking around nervously. "I'm just, a little overwhelmed."

" _You're_ overwhelmed?" she asked. "Why's that now?"

"Well, I, uhh," he said, not sure how to say what he knew he needed to. "I'm the diversity choice this year."

"The diversity choice?" asked Hermione, confused. "What do you mean?" She had an older gentlemen and multiple gentlemen of color. What could make Dudley the "diversity choice"?

"They've never done this before," said Dudley. "You see, I'm a muggle."

"OH!" she gasped. "That is...how is that possible?"

"It was all very strange," said Dudley. "I auditioned for the muggle version of The Bachelorette. I didn't get on that, probably on account of my size-"

She looked him up and down. "Your size was an issue for muggles?"

"Oh, well, I was one hundred pounds heavier then," he said.

"Oh wow," she said. "Okay. Go on."

"So I guess that Lockhart fellow got into the muggle files, and they selected me," said Dudley. "Came right out of my fireplace and asked me if I'd like to marry a witch. I said, of course not, because in muggle culture, you see, a witch is always a mean woman. But he showed me your picture, and I thought you were beautiful, so..." He blushed. "Here I am."

"Ohhh, thank you, Dudley," said Hermione. "I was raised by muggles, you know."

"So it doesn't bother you?" he asked.

"No," said Hermione. "I'm happy you're here, Dudley."

"Yeah?" asked Dudley. "Yeah, this is all amazing, and thank you for being so cool about it. I feel much better. It's going to be awful if..." He stopped.

"Awful if what?" asked Hermione.

"Well, if you don't pick me, then I have to get my memory erased," said Dudley.

"Ohhhh," said Hermione. She was torn. On one hand, she thought it was an awful thing to do, but on the other hand, she'd probably have ordered the same thing if they'd asked her. Muggles got their memories erased all the time. "Well, I'll keep that in mind."

"I try not to," he said.

* * *

The men could feel the night winding down. Hermione had spoken to most of her suitors, and the less conscientious of the group were becoming inebriated. A single rose lay on the center of the living room table. Draco Malfoy picked it up.

"This will sure look good on my suit," he mused aloud. "What do you think, Potter?"

"I think you're getting ahead of yourself," Harry answered.

"What is that for?" asked a tall, quiet, dark haired man beside Harry and Ron. They had hardly noticed him.

"That's the first impression rose," said Ron. "Hermione gives it to someone before she hands out all of the other roses, and that person is the front-runner. That's the person she's most excited to continue getting to know."

"Oh," said the dark-haired man. "So that's the best rose to get."

"Yeah, but," said Ron, "honestly, the person who gets the first impression rose usually doesn't end up in the top two. They tend to develop this weird sense of superiority which turns into a crippling insecurity as they watch the Bachelor or Bachelorette form relationships with other hopefuls. My brother Bill calls it 'First Rose Syndrome.'"

"My brother Bill calls it 'First Rose Syndrome,'" Draco repeated mockingly. "Well, bring it on. I bet I've already got the best relationship with Hermione."

"How could you possibly know that?" asked Harry. "It's the first day."

Draco put down the rose and smirked. "Yeah, but, you can tell where there's chemistry and where there isn't. Tell me, Potter, did you kiss her?"

"Kiss her? On the first day? Of course not," said Harry. "Wait...did you?"

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Chemistry, boys. Chemistry."

"You bloody...," Harry started, and Ron held him back.

"It's okay," Ron said. "The person who kisses first is the one who has nothing more than a physical connection. The relationship becomes all about the physical and never matures."

Draco glared at him. "Let me guess, another bit of wisdom from your brother Bill?"

Ron blushed. "I'm just saying."

"Yeah, well, your brother was the worst Bachelor they've ever had," Draco sneered.

The dark-haired man moaned.

"You alright there, mate?" Ron asked.

"Ohhh, I'm fine, I guess," he said. "It's just, he's kissed her already, and I haven't even talked to her."

"You haven't talked to her?" Ron asked. "Bloody hell, mate. The cocktail party's almost over. You've gotta get in there!"

"I know, I know, it's just," he stammered, "there are so many guys here. It's so hard to get a word in edgewise. And I don't want to interrupt anyone."

"You've gotta, though!" Ron prodded.

"But isn't that rude?" the man replied.

"Nah," said Harry. "If she's been talking to someone for a bit. I mean, there are what, twenty-five blokes here? She can't have that much time to talk to anyone. So no, I don't think it's rude."

"That's the only way you can do it, mate. Or else you'll miss your chance," said Ron. Hermione walked into the living room. The men all stopped what they were doing and turned to stare. She was making her way to the center table. "There's your chance!" Ron whispered, nudging his new friend.

Hermione picked up the first impression rose. Draco stood up. "Hermione?" he asked expectantly.

"Draco," she returned with a nod, then walked away. The rest of the room giggled softly as they watched Draco's face drop.

"What were you saying earlier, Malfoy?" Harry teased.

"What the...who could she possibly...?" he said, following her out the door.

"Malfoy!" Harry said, following Draco. The whole group that had been in the living room went with him. They all poured onto the patio, where Lee Jordan met them.

"Well, there you have it, boys," said Lee. "The first impression rose is gone."

"Congratulations, Lee," said Harry.

"Oh, no, I didn't get it," he said. "It went to some bloke named Tom."

"Tom?" they muttered. "Who's Tom?"

Nobody knew.

* * *

"Tom is hot," said Cho. "Good choice, Hermione!"

"I agree," said Luna. "He has a sort of old-timey swagger about him, doesn't he? Like he stepped out of the past."

"Yeah, like an old movie star," said Cho. "Oooh, this is getting so good!"

The screen cut away to "Tom Riddle, 23, Political activist."

TOM CAM: "I am honored to receive this first impression rose from a witch as beautiful and accomplished as Hermione Granger. I have many worthy opponents here, and I am humbled to have been chosen as the standout of the group. Everything is going according to plan."

"Okay, did that monologue strike you as a little weird?" asked Cho.

"So he's got a funny way of talking. He's still super hot," said Luna.

"Yeah, alright. I'm reading too much into it," Cho said. "Oh, here comes crybaby."

DRACO CAM: "This Tom bloke hasn't talked to anyone the entire night. Like he thinks he's better than all of us. Well, I'll sure show him. He may have won the battle, but he will not win the war."

HARRY CAM: "Tom's been rubbing people a little wrong all night, but I don't want to judge him too quickly. If Hermione likes him, can he really be that bad of a guy? Ow..." Harry rubbed his forehead, and someone muttered off camera. "No, it's fine. My scar's aching is all." More mutters off camera. "No, it's not normal, actually. Excuse me, I've gotta go take some pain potion."

* * *

Gilderoy Lockhart entered the living room clinking a fork against a champagne glass. "Alright, gentlemen. The cocktail party is over. If you'll all follow me, we'll prepare for the rose ceremony."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried someone from the back of the room.

"No?" Gilderoy asked. "What do you mean, no?"

"I haven't talked to her yet," he said meekly. The men laughed.

"Oh, well, that's unfortunate," said Gilderoy. "I'm sorry, young man, but your time is up. I guess you'll just have to hope you made a strong enough impression when you got out of the carriage."

"Where's Hermione?" the man asked, almost as if he hadn't heard anything Gilderoy had said. "I need to talk to her."

"I...uh," Gilderoy stammered. In all his years of hosting, this has never happened before.

"Just give me five minutes. Please," said the man.

"Yeah, let him talk to her," said Harry bravely.

"Yeah, we can wait five minutes," Ron said. "What do you guys think?"

"Sure thing," said Oliver.

"Everyone deserves a change. We can wait," said Lee.

"Umm, wow, okay, let me see what Hermione says," said Gilderoy. "And what's your name, sir?"

"Neville Longbottom," he said.

Everyone except the Slytherins cheered. The sympathetic crowded around Neville and gave him a pep talk.

MARCUS FLINT, 26, AZKABAN GUARD: "Seems to me if you didn't have the balls to talk to her earlier, then you don't even deserve to be here."

BLAISE CAM: "Ugh...Send him home, Hermione! You need a real man. And what's with all these snowflakes talking him up? Like, don't they realize we're all competing for the same girl?"

COLIN CAM: "Good for Neville! Now there's a man who sees what he wants and goes for it! Little late, but...good for him!"

* * *

Before the rose ceremony, Gilderoy met with Hermione with the cameras. "Alright, Hermione. You've survived your first cocktail party. What do you think?"

"I must say," said Hermione, "I was more than a little skeptical going into it, but...wow! I actually think..." She stopped.

"What's that, Hermione?" Gilderoy pressed.

"I think I might have met my future husband tonight," she said with a blush.

Gilderoy hugged her. "That's good!" he said. "Let's talk about some of the guys who stood out today. There's of course Tom, whom you gave the first impression rose to."

"Yeah," sighed Hermione. "Tom just seems to have everything I'm looking for. He's handsome, successful, passionate, well-spoken...!"

"You seem a little hesitant," said Gilderoy.

"Yeah, well, he seems a little _too_ good to be true," Hermione confessed.

"Well, only time can tell. I always tell people in your position to follow their gut, but it seems like you're already doing that. You kissed Draco," Gilderoy said.

"Yes," she said with a blush. "I don't know what I was even thinking when I did that. He's just...he's very handsome," said Hermione.

"Am I detecting a hint of regret?" asked Gilderoy.

"Oh, no! Not at all!" Hermione exclaimed with a laugh. "It was a good kiss. He's a very confident man. Perhaps a little too confident."

"And what about the man you just finished speaking with, Neville?" asked Gilderoy.

"You know, Neville surprised me! I think he honestly might be one of the best-looking guys here, and when he wasn't talking to me all night, I thought maybe he wasn't into me!" she said.

"Really?" asked Gilderoy. "How could anyone not be into you?"

"I mean...that was one of my biggest fears coming here, that the guys wouldn't be into me because they were supposed to meet Astoria," she said. "But when Neville confessed how nervous he had been, it made me remember that they are human too. We're all human, and this is all very, very real."

"Well, Hermione, do you know what you want to do?" asked Gilderoy.

"I think so, yeah," said Hermione.

"Alright," he said. "Let's begin the rose ceremony."

* * *

Hermione stood before her men. "I want to start by thanking you all for coming here today, and making this such a great night. I truly believe that my future husband is in this room, and I can't wait to go on this journey together with all of you." She swallowed nervously. "And if you don't get a rose tonight, I'm sorry. It's nothing against you. I just have to follow my gut at this point." She picked up the first rose. "Okay. Here goes nothing." The men laughed appreciatively. "Ron."

Ron was taken so off guard at getting named first that Harry had to nudge him forward. "Wow, thanks!" he said with an ear-to-ear grin.

"Ron, will you accept this rose?" she asked.

"Of course I will," he said, hugging her. She placed the rose on his suit, and he returned to his place.

In addition to Tom and Ron, seventeen men received roses that night. They are Harry, Neville, Draco, Cormac, Viktor, Severus, Oliver, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, Dean, Blaise, Justin, Ernie MacMillian, and Zacharias Smith.

Who will win Hermione's heart? Who will go home broken-hearted? Find out on the next installment of _The Bachelorette!_


	3. Chapter 3

Gilderoy Lockhart knocked on Hermione's cottage door. She answered it in her favorite outfit: a t-shirt and jeans.

"Hello, Hermione," Gilderoy said in his chipper host voice that he almost never turned off. He was also already wearing a white suit. "It's time to write date cards!"

"Right," said Hermione nervously. "Do they have to have cheesy sayings on them?"

"Yes," said Gilderoy. "These have been provided for you. Just place them in the mailbox when you're ready, and I'll let you know when it's time to go!" He handed her the cards and instructions. She sat down at her desk, turned on her reading lamp, and began studying the materials.

The guys all woke up after their first night at the mansion. Some were hungover. Others took the initiative to start making breakfast from all of the groceries the show provided.

Seamus cracked an egg onto the skillet. "Woah, there, fire hazard!" his roommate Dean teased. Dean found the bacon in the fridge and claimed the second burner.

Draco and Blaise followed their noses downstairs. "What's this?" Draco scoffed. "They don't have chefs in this bloody place?"

"We're the cooks, mate," Seamus said. "Any requests?"

"Can you make a French Omelette?" Draco asked.

"No," said Seamus. "Can you?"

"I shouldn't have to!" Draco whined. "Doesn't the MBBC make enough money to hire a chef?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," said Harry, sipping his morning coffee. "We all know you're rich. You don't need to remind us every time you open your mouth."

"Eggs in a basket," Seamus said, placing a plate of toast and eggs on the table. Harry and Ron dug in. Draco and Blaise scoffed, took two pieces each, and left.

"You really reckon Hermione would be into someone like that?" Ron asked. "She's muggle-born, for Merlin's sake. She didn't even grow up with magic."

"Just because she's muggle born doesn't mean they didn't have money," Harry said with a full mouth.

"Her parents were dentists," said Ron. "Not sure how much muggle dentists make."

"I'd bet it's enough," said Oliver. "Though she doesn't seem like the 'private chef' type either."

"No, she was very down-to-earth. Very easy to talk to," said Seamus.

"Does Malfoy even know she's muggle born?" asked an unfamiliar voice. The boys turned to see Tom Riddle. Harry put his hand to his scar and rubbed it.  
"I'd...I'd suppose he does. Why, do you think that'd matter?" Ron asked.

"Don't you know?" Tom asked. His voice had very little inflection, but it had a way of drawing in the listener all the same. "The Malfoys fought beside He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. They were Death Eaters."

Seamus gulped.

"Bloody hell," whispered Ron. "Do you think...?"

"I mean, Slytherin University was a breeding ground for Death Eaters, was it not? So I can't say I'm too surprised," said Dean.

"You think they still feel that way, then?" Harry asked.

"Hard to say," said Tom. "I mean, nobody's really going to introduce themselves as a Neo-Death Eater, are they? It's taboo." He took a piece of bacon. "But if he is, he'll show his true colors soon enough, I'm sure."

"Well, thanks, Tom," said Harry. "It's been...nice talking to you...excuse me, my scar again...I've never had my scar hurt as much as it has these past two days! I'm going to run out of painkiller potions..." He left the table muttering.

"DATE CARD!" Lee Jordan announced from the other room. "Gentlemen, we have a date card!"

The phrase "date card?!" rippled through the house like a summoning charm. All of the men came to the living room dressed for the cameras. Lee opened the card. "Severus," he read. He paused. "Age is just a number. Hermione."

Silence as all the guys turned to look at Severus Snape, who smiled slightly.

* * *

"Bloody hell," said Ron back in his and Harry's bedroom. "What is going on?"

"She probably wants to see off the bat if it could work," said Harry. "There are roses on these dates, right? I bet you anything he goes home tonight."

"If he doesn't," said Ron, "I just won't know anymore."

"Did you see the look on Malfoy's face, though?" asked Harry with a chuckle. "Classic."

"Oh yeah, Malfoy," said Ron with a sneer. "At least the first date didn't go to that arsehole. Say, is your head alright?"

"Still has a slight ache," Harry said. "I'm thinking of going to see the apothecary."

"Best get that taken care of before the group date," said Ron. "I bet you anything the group date is tomorrow."

Harry laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. "Wake me up tomorrow, then," he said with a yawn.

* * *

The pegasus-drawn carriage picked up Severus. Some of the men of the house politely saw him off, but as he hadn't really made any friends, he didn't have much to say.

CORMAC CAM: "Dude...that guy is going on a date with one of the hottest girls alive, and he decides to wear a black robe. I feel sorry for Hermione. She's going to come crawling back to me, I'm sure!"

MARCUS CAM: "I started a pool on who's going to still be here next week. Everyone has that guy going home tonight. All but one moron..."

COLIN CAM: "I'm going to be rich!"

"Sending me home already, Hermione?" Severus asked playfully.

Hermione ushered him into the carriage. "Of course not!" she gasped. "We just need to do a bit of traveling is all. Finally I'm going to get to fly in this thing!"

"Did you not get here in one?" he asked.

"No! I came by FLOO!" She said the last word straight into the camera with disdain. "Anyways, I actually had you in mind for this date since before I even received the date cards. We're going hot cauldron bathing."

"Oh?" Severus asked.

"You did bring your swim trunks, yes?"

"Yes, as instructed," said Severus. "I'm just surprised you'd pick me for such an intimate date. If you're expecting I have some hidden six pack under these robes, you're going to be disappointed."

 _Well, there will be plenty of time for six packs on tomorrow's date,_ she thought, but she smiled sweetly at Severus and said, "I find you plenty attractive, Severus."

A hint of pink appeared on his face.

Their destination was not far, it seemed. They landed in a beautiful landscape full of exotic plants. Gigantic, steamy cauldrons sat around, some with other couples and groups of friends. A short, dark-skinned witch with curly black hair greeted them.

"Hello, hello, and welcome to the Cauldron Springs!" she exclaimed. "My name is Hattie Boggs, and I will be your guide today. I know you must be Hermione, and this handsome gentlemen is?"

"Severus," he said, extending a hand. Hermione frowned slightly at Hattie's flirt with Severus, but she shrugged it off.

"Severus, welcome," Hattie said. "Well, let me show you around and explain what we do here. These are not like your ordinary hot tubs. Here at Cauldron Springs, we brew baths that are specific to your desires. We have baths that can heal aches, baths that can rejuvenate skin, erase wrinkles, acne, you name it. And there are of course the recreational baths. You can bath in liquid of whatever thickness you like, we can make it bubble, we can make steady waves in your bath, we can make it smell like whatever you would like it to smell, we can adjust the temperature to your exact liking. Our motto here is 'Magical Relaxation.'"

"Oh, now I see why you chose me, Hermione," said Severus.

"Yeah! We're going to make potions!" she squealed with delight.

"I was going to say, you thought I already needed a rest from living with all those young men, but yours works too."

"Oh, stop," she said, then giggled.

"So, today you are going to brew baths for each other. Severus, if you will come with me, and Hermione, if you will go with my employee Randy, you'll see what kind of ingredients we have and learn a bit about what they can do, and then, you'll get to test each others' creations," explained Hattie.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Draco and his new bros Blaise and Marcus were enjoying the pool.

"I bet he's boring her with a whole bunch of stories that start with, 'Back in my day,'" Marcus said, mimicking an old man. Draco and Blaise laughed.

As if he'd apparated silently, Tom Riddle said, "You know, back in his day, the Dark Lord was still alive." He was dangling his feet in the water, but he was fully dressed.

The three Slytherins looked at him and then at each other uncomfortably. "Why, yes, I suppose that would be true," said Blaise.

"All in the past now, though," said Marcus. "Not sure what that has to do with anything."

"You work at Azkaban, don't you?" Tom asked.

"Yes," said Marcus.

"You must know them, then," said Tom. "The unrepentant Death Eaters, I mean."

"Oh, yeah," said Marcus. "Those are some scary M-effers. Especially that witch, Bellatrix Lestrange. Woman tried to scratch my bloody eyes out one day."

"And what of the repentant ones?" Tom asked, this time looking directly at Draco. "How are Mummy and Daddy, Draco?"

"Hey, what's your game?" Draco sneered, lunging towards Tom. Blaise and Marcus held him back. "What are you playing at, bringing up He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"I was just wondering how Mummy and Daddy felt about you courting a muggle-born witch, is all," said Tom.

"That's none of your bloody business, Tom," said Draco.

"They do know, then?" Tom pressed. Draco didn't respond. "Ah, I see. Fascinating. You really are different, Draco Malfoy?"

"Yeah," said Draco. "I really am different. And if you ever make a crack about me or my family again, I will end you."

Tom smiled. "I'd like to see you try." He left.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Marcus asked.

"He's trying to stir up trouble to make himself look good," said Draco. "Us Slytherins are easy targets with Hermione being muggle born. But he picked the wrong blokes to mess with."

"I never understood the hatred against muggle borns. Most natural wizards there are. Half-bloods, though," said Blaise, "that's a different thing entirely."

"How's that, now?" asked Marcus.

"You can't control who your parents are," said Blaise, "but you can control who you mate with, amiright?"

Marcus's eyes bulged out. "Dude! That's...that's not cool, man!"

"Oh, come on, I don't mean anything by it," said Blaise. "It is what it is. Mixed bloods are more likely to produce squibs, after all. It's genetics. You feel me, right, Draco?"

"I mean," said Draco, "I know that's true, but..."

"Facts are facts," Blaise repeated.

"Facts indeed," said Marcus with disdain. He got out of the water.

"Oh, dude, come on! You're snowflaking out?" Blaise shouted.

"You sound a little too much like Lestrange right now for my comfort," said Marcus.

"Ahhh, go play with the Hufflepuffs, then," said Blaise. He held out his bottle of beer to Draco. "To Slytherin!"

Draco clinked bottles with him. "To Slytherin," he said awkwardly.

* * *

Hermione finished her potion: a sandalwood scent with a gentle wave in a warm temperature. It was admittedly a safe choice. She didn't feel she knew Severus well enough to go too far out of the box.

She changed into her red bikini, and she suddenly felt self-conscious. Maybe Severus _was_ too old for her. Was it weird for a forty-year-old man to see her like this? That she might _want_ him to? She stepped out of her dressing room, and a crew of forty-year-old men behind cameras gave her the thumbs up. She laughed awkwardly.

She followed Randy with her potion to the side-by-side cauldrons set aside for her and Severus. She saw Severus and blushed. He wasn't muscular, but he was obviously healthy. Some older men put on weight in their gut, but not Severus.

"I don't deserve you," Severus said.

"I'll be the judge of that," Hermione said. "Shall we?"

They ascended the steps up into their respective cauldrons. The sweet scent of flowers assaulted Hermione as she went. It smelled like he'd mixed multiple types, and she wrinkled her nose. For as much as The Bachelorette pushed the flowers, Hermione was really not a fan of floral scents. She made her way to the top of the steps and saw the cauldron was almost overflowing with bubbles. Cho would have died for this. Hermione looked longingly at the waves in the brew she'd made. She smiled at Severus, who was already in her cauldron. "It's a little colder than I'd like," he admitted.

"I'm sorry," said Hermione, swinging her leg over and into the cauldron. "I know not everyone likes things piping HAH-AH-AHHHT!" Her toe had grazed the water, which felt to her only a touch below boiling.

"I'm sorry," said Severus.

"We weren't really making cauldrons for each other, were we?" Hermione said.

"Would you like to trade?" he asked.

"Please," said Hermione. They laughed as they switched and settled into their own perfect baths. "So, bubbles and flowers, huh?" she asked.

"Nothing relaxes me more," said Severus.

Music started to play. Hermione's ears perked up. "They didn't...!" she gasped.

"Didn't what?" Severus asked. He cocked his head. "Oh, this is one of my favorite bands."

"Mine too," Hermione said in surprise.

"Over here, lovebirds," said a man. They turned around, and alt-J was playing a live private concert for them.

"You love alt-J?!" she asked.

" _You_ love alt-J?!" he echoed.

"Heck yeah! My weird friend Luna turned me on to all this indie stuff, now I can't get enough of it!" said Hermione.

"I love the complexity," said Severus. "And how I don't know what the hell they're talking about. It's humbling."

"See, I'm the crazy one who actually tries to decipher the lyrics into something meaningful," said Hermione.

"Oh, no, just let the music happen," said Severus. He leaned his head back, and bubbles enveloped his head. His hand brushed Hermione's, and she took it.

"Poor guys," said Hermione. "Their memory is going to be erased."

"Oh, yeah," said Severus. "That's a little obnoxious."

"I mean, I wouldn't advise against it, of course," said Severus.

"Of course," said Hermione. "But the MBBC might be abusing that power a bit."

"Oh well," said Severus. "Private alt-J concert."

"Can't beat that, I suppose," said Hermione.

After the concert, they were treated to dinner under a pagoda tucked away in the exotic forests of Cauldron Springs, where they continued talking about music and their home lives. They found they had a lot in common. Both of them were passionate about their careers and had seldom found time for themselves. Both enjoyed reading and learning new things. She also worked it out of him that he likes cats.

She picked up the rose on the table.

"Severus," she began, "I have had the best day today. I couldn't have asked for a better first date, and I hope to have more with you. Will you accept this rose?"

"I would be honored," he said. He leaned in for a kiss.

Cue fireworks and cheesy music.

The Gryffindors were having a wizard chess tournament in the living room when Severus returned from his date, proudly displaying his rose on his signature black robe.

Colin gasped. "I'M RICH! MARCUS! I WIN THE POOL!" He took off upstairs, celebrating.

"Oh, bollocks," said Harry.

Severus approached him and smacked him on the head with a date card. "Problem, Potter?" Severus asked, dropping it into his lap.

Harry opened the envelope and glanced at its contents. "It's the group date! Hey, get everybody down here!"

All but Severus gathered. Harry read: "Harry." He smiled at seeing his name in Hermione's handwriting. "Neville, Draco, Cormac, Viktor, Oliver, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, Tom, Zach, Dean, Ernie, Justin, Blaise. Well, blimey, she might as well of just said, 'everybody.'"

"Not everybody," Ron piped up weakly.

Harry scanned the names. "Yeah, you're not on here. Is that a mistake?"

"Is there a second one-on-one?" Dean asked.

"Could be," said Ron. "Or could be she doesn't have enough spots on the date. She left me out."

Draco laughed.

"Don't laugh at him," said Neville. "Maybe she liked him so much first night, she figures she doesn't need to see him again."

"Well that doesn't make any sense," said Draco. "If she really likes someone, she wants to spend more time with them. Nice knowing ya, Weasley."

There was a tapping on the window. An owl was sitting on the ledge holding an envelope. Justin got up and tentatively opened the window, then accepted the owl. "It's another date card."

Gasps and murmurs from the crowd. Justin opened it and read, "Ron. Let's work on our animal magnetism. Hermione."

"WOOOOAAAAAHHHH!" the men exclaimed, clapping Ron on the back. Ron's face was the same color as his hair.

"Hold on," said Ernie. "What's ours say?"

Harry turned over the group date card. "It says, 'Love isn't always magical. Hermione.'"

Ron cracked up. "Oh, sounds like she's got high hopes for you guys! I get animal magnetism, and you get...not magic."

"Got a problem with non-magic, punk?" Dudley quipped.

Ron laughed. "Sorry, mate, you know what I mean."

"No, I'm not sure that I do," said Dudley.

"I said sorry, geez," said Ron.

"Boys, boys, let's act our age," Oliver scolded.

"What do you suppose that means though? 'Love isn't always magical'?" Zach asked.

"Maybe it'll be a muggle date," said Cormac. "That's all the rage now. Wizards going out and doing as muggles do."

"Oh, that could be fun!" exclaimed Colin.

"That's cultural appropriation," said Dudley.

"Dude, what is your deal?" asked Blaise.

"Well, I'm a muggle, so...," said Dudley.

"You're joking, right?" Blaise asked.

"No, I'm not. I'm a bonafide muggle. Look, no wand," Dudley said, holding up his hands playfully.

The men departed for the night to prepare for tomorrow's group date. The cameramen made a point to keep fixated on Blaise as he processed the fact that a muggle was in their midst.

Cue dramatic music.

* * *

"Hello, boys!" Hermione greeted.

They had taken portkeys to a beach. Hermione was wearing a black bikini today because it would be a terrible scandal for MBBCs star to be seen wearing the same thing two days straight.

The men were all in their swim trunks. Hermione took in a breath at seeing all the six packs that were assembled before her.

"Hiiiiii, Hermione," they said in a chorus.

"So, we're here on a remote private island in the Caribbean," said Hermione, "and we're going to play some volleyball!"

Dudley said, "Alllllright!" but the rest of the men just looked confused. Gilderoy's laugh could be heard, and the always-white-suited man came out from a grove of palm trees wearing sunglasses, a floppy straw hat, flip-flops, and drinking out of a coconut.

"Gentlemen, you remember the date card?" he asked.

"Yeah," they grumbled.

As if completely ignoring their response, Gilderoy said, "It said 'Love isn't always magical.' Volleyball is a traditional muggle game played on the beach. Since we are going to be playing a muggle game, there will be no magic allowed on this date. You'll have to rely simply on your raw athleticism to win Hermione's heart. You'll be competing in teams of fours (and one team of 5) in a tournament style. The last team standing will win some extra time with Hermione." Hermione waved. "I'll let Hermione explain the rules of the game."

Hermione demonstrated how the game worked. Simple enough, most of the men thought. Much simpler than Quidditch, which most of them were accustomed to. The men divided into teams, and Gilderoy assigned them to their nets. Different crew members refereed while Hermione observed at her leisure.

Chaos ensued. The men who were athletic took to it pretty easily. Standouts included, of course, Viktor Krum, who basically single-handedly crushed the team of Harry, Neville, Dean, and Seamus.

"Bloody hell," Harry said. "I thought for sure Neville's height would give us more of an advantage."

"I'm a botanist, though," Neville lamented.

"Hey, no use sulking. Look, Hermione's sitting alone," said Dean.

"I like the way you think!" Seamus exclaimed. The Gryffindor boys sat on either side of Hermione while Viktor, Draco, Blaise and Tom reminisced together about the highlights of the game.

"It was a good game," Hermione complimented them. "Those four are ruthless."

"Don't be nice, Hermione," said Dean. "Viktor did all the work while the rest watched. Smart move getting him on their team."

"Say, why isn't Marcus with them? I thought Marcus was one of the Slytherin boys," Seamus asked.

"Oh, yeah, that's weird," said Harry. Marcus had teamed with Dudley, Colin, and Cormac. Their game against the five-man squad of Oliver, Ernie, Zach, Lee, and Justin was still raging.

"TAKE THAT, WIZARDS! MUGGLE PRIDE!" Dudley screamed as he smacked the ball mercilessly over the net.

"Game!" the referee called. Dudley's team hollered and high-fived.

"We had a numbers advantage!" Lee lamented. "What is wrong with you guys?!"

Ernie shrugged. "We're Hufflepuffs, man. Sorry."

"Sure did have fun, though!" Zach said.

"Yeah!" Justin agreed. "Good game, guys!" They wrapped arms around each other, while Oliver and Lee shook their heads and kicked up sand in frustration.

"The final match, for the extra time with Hermione!" Gilderoy announced from the lifeguard stand. "Team 2: Viktor, Draco, Blaise, and Tom, versus, Team 3: Marcus, Dudley, Colin, and Cormac. Begin!"

VIKTOR CAM: "Nothing will stand between me and Hermione! Even if it means I have to take these wankers with me."

DUDLEY CAM: "This Viktor guy may be hot stuff in the wizard world, but this is a muggle's game, and a muggle's gonna win it."

BLAISE CAM: "The way I see it, beating this muggle will be a kindness. He can't actually think he has a chance with Hermione. It would be criminal of the MBBC to allow her to fall for such scum."

MARCUS CAM: "Blaise is a ticking time bomb. I can't wait for Hermione to see his true colors. I don't like that Tom guy either. He's up to something, for sure."

TOM CAM: "This is excellent. I just have to sit back and let everyone self-destruct around me. This is the best plan I've ever had."

CORMAC CAM: "I may not win today, but I'm definitely the best looking." He winked for the camera. "Hey girl. It's Cormac time."

True to his word, Viktor held nothing back. However, he was starting to run out of steam. Draco, Blaise, and Tom were horribly inadequate in the sand. Dudley, Marcus, and Cormac, however, were all pretty strong competitors.

The score was 20 to 17 in favor of Dudley's team. Blaise seethed. While everyone was retrieving a ball that had flown out of bounds, he slipped his wand out of his trunks and flicked it at Dudley.

"AHHHH!" Dudley cried, collapsing to the ground. "Mother effer!"

"Dudley!" Hermione exclaimed, rushing to his side. His teammates gathered around him sympathetically. "Dudley, what happened?"

"I dunno. I had a spasm in my leg, and my ankle just, ahhh, bloody hell, I don't think I can walk on it," said Dudley.

"Oh, no," said Hermione. "Medic!"

The medical team rushed to the scene and carried Dudley away.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to finish the game without him," Blaise said with a chuckle.

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Excuse me, boys. I'll see you all later." She followed the medics with Dudley. The spectators clapped.

"Well, that didn't go according to plan, did it?" Tom whispered in Blaise's ear.

When Hermione and Dudley returned, the sunset beach picnic was set up. Everyone raised their coconuts and pineapples to welcome them back.

"The muggle prince returns!" Colin exclaimed. Everyone applauded.

"Yes, hello," said Hermione. There was something off in her voice.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, picking up on it. "Is everything okay? Is Dudley...?"

"Yes, Dudley is fine," said Hermione happily. "However, the medic believes that his injury was magically induced." Shocks and murmurs. "Seems somebody wasn't playing by the rules." She looked at the Slytherins. She wasn't meaning to, but she wasn't alone either. Dudley had been playing against three Slytherins, who besides being known as bad sportsmen, were also known to be racist. She wanted to keep an open mind, of course, but she had her suspicions. "Please know that whoever you are, I am not at all happy with you. If you think hurting other people is the way to my heart, you are sorely mistaken."

A call of "here, here," came from the Gryffindors.

"Hermione?" came the soft, deep voice of Marcus Flint.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Can I steal you for a moment?" he asked.

"Certainly," said Hermione.

"Whoo, Marcus," some of the men jeered. He took her arm and they walked along the beach. The cameramen made a point to cut to Blaise's face as he watched Marcus and Hermione walk away from the group.

Cue dramatic music.

"Hermione, I want to start by saying, I never intended to be 'that guy' on this show," Marcus began.

"That guy?" she asked. "What do you mean?"

"You know, the guy who talks about other guys. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was very important for you to know," he said. "Look, I work at Azkaban. I deal with Death Eaters on a daily basis."

"Death Eaters?" Hermione asked, her stomach dropping. "Goodness, where are you going with this?"

"I'm not saying he's a Death Eater," said Marcus, "and I'm not saying he's the one who hurt Dudley, but Blaise did say some f****** up things yesterday."

"Blaise?" she clarified. She felt sick. She had been very attracted to Blaise.

"Yesterday I was in the pool with him, Draco, and Tom," said Marcus. He paused. Did he want to get into the weirdness around Tom? What about Draco's parents? He decided to leave it out, for now. "And we got on the topic of you being muggle-born, and Blaise said something to the effect of blood mixing being wrong."

"WHAT?!" Hermione cried, seething.

"I mean, he didn't say that _exactly_ ," said Marcus. "He said you can't control who you're born to, but you can control who you mate with."

"Ugh, that's disgusting!" Hermione said. "Thank you, so much, Marcus, for letting me know. I do agree that is very important for me to know, and you are very brave for telling me." She took his hand. "I hate to cut our time short, but..."

"Oh, I understand," said Marcus. "Do what you need to do."

"Thanks," she said, planting a kiss on his cheek.

She walked back to the beach party. Draco approached her, "Hermione, may I steal you?"

She ignored him. "Blaise," she said. She beckoned him with her finger. "May I talk to you, please?"

The oblivious among them whooped and hollered, but the Slytherin's faces all drained. "Uh, yeah," said Blaise, trying to act cool as usual. He glared at Marcus as he passed.

Marcus stood next to Draco. "Blaise is done," he said.

A smile spread across Draco's face. "Wow, Flint. You've got balls. We better keep an eye on them. He's bound to go off. I don't want to see Hermione getting hurt."

"Hermione getting hurt?" Harry asked. "Sorry, I don't mean to eavesdrop, but, what's going on? Is Blaise the one who cast the charm?"

"Probably," Draco admitted. They told Harry about Blaise's words yesterday. The news spread, and all eyes were glued to the couple in the distance. Hermione and Blaise looked anything but happy.

"Oh, so he don't think I'm worthy of Hermione, is that it?" Dudley asked, cracking his knuckles. "I'll show him."

"Dude, no," said Viktor. "He's a powerful wizard."

"And I'm a powerful muggle," said Dudley. "I bet my family is richer than his too, bloody wanker."

"He's on the move!" a cameraman called. "Go go go!"

Blaise was storming back to the beach. Hermione was crying to Gilderoy. "MARCUS!" Blaise shouted.

"Restrain him!" a security guard shouted. "Expelliarmus!"

Blaise's wand flew out of his hand, but that only made him angrier. He came at Marcus swinging.

"Clear the area!" the security guard shouted. "We've got him! PETRIFICUS-HEY, MAN, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Everyone obeyed the crew except for Dudley, who got between Blaise and Marcus and punched Blaise straight in the gut. Blaise made a horrible wheeze and fell to the ground.

"Muggle pride, bitch," said Dudley.

Everyone was silent and wide-eyed. Dudley sat back down on the blanket and picked up his pineapple. A slow clap started and built. "Petrificus totalus," the security guard said, flicking his wand at the already immobilized Blaise. They carried him off the beach, and he was never seen on TV again.

"Well," said Hermione, choking back tears, "I guess that's done. Dudley, I...I'm not sure if I'm more angry that you did that, or that I didn't do it first."

"Sorry," he said, blushing. "I can get intense when someone hurts my pride. And my friends." He smiled at Marcus. "Thanks, mate. You wizard folk, you're not all bad."

"I'll drink to that!" Lee exclaimed. "Hey, Hermione, may I...?"

"Of course," she said, and with that, the night proceeded as normal.

* * *

"I want to give this group date rose to someone who did something very brave tonight," Hermione said. The sun had long set, and they were all gathered around the campfire. "This is not at all how I envisioned this night going, but I am very impressed at how all of you handled the situation. It makes me very confident in the group of guys I have before me. But this rose, I want to give to someone who revealed something very personal to me tonight. Something that, in light of recent events, is very sensitive. Draco, thank you for telling me about your parents. I do not think our families or our schools define who we are. I'm excited to continue to explore what is between us."

Draco grinned. "Thanks, Hermione!" He kissed her on the cheek as he accepted the rose. The men sighed, and they all returned to the portkey to be taken back to the mansion.

Gilderoy came to visit Hermione in the morning. "So," he began, "you've already given out two roses, and sent one man home."

"Yeah," she said.

"This won't change the number of roses you give out at the rose ceremony," said Gilderoy. "You'll still be sending another man home."

"Okay," said Hermione tentatively. "Can we not talk about this now? I'm really looking forward to this date today."

"Oh, sorry," said Gilderoy. "I had almost forgotten you'd opted to do two one-on-ones the first week. Weasley, yes?"

"That's right," said Hermione. "Ron is so easy to talk to. I already feel so comfortable around him. I'm expecting today's date will take the edge off yesterday."

* * *

Hermione met Ron outside of the mansion. He was in casual clothes as instructed. "Hi," he said, grinning wildly.

"Hello, Ron," she said, hugging him. "How are you today?"

"I'm good," he said. "So how are we going?"

"We're travelling by floo," she said.

"Oh, your favorite," he teased.

"Yes, but it will be worth it," she said. She took his hand. "Come with me."

"Wait, we're using the one in _your_ cottage?" he asked in awe.

"Yeah," said Hermione. "What? I promise you it's just like every other one."

"Well, yeah, but," said Ron, "I get to go into your cottage!"

"And what do you think you're going to see there?"

And it was at that moment when Ron realized how dumb he was in comparison to her.

The Floo had already been automated to take them where the show wanted them to go. Ron stepped into their destination and stared numbly. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd expected to see. He knew the blokes had been whisked away to the Caribbean last night, and he knew her date with Severus had been in some beautiful location as well. This place...this place was the complete opposite of that. It looked like someone's house, and not a very well kept one. It was small, everything was a dingy brown color, and it smelled.

"Hullo!" came a rough voice. The owner of this voice was the largest man Ron had ever seen. He had to be _at least_ seven feet tall, possibly eight, and his face was covered in hair. His clothes all matched his hair, making him resemble a bear.

"Oh, sorry, sir, we're-"

"Hagrid!" Hermione said, beaming. "This is Ron Weasley."

"Hello, Ron," said Hagrid. "Good to meet ya! Welcome to the Forbidden Forest!"

"Forbidden...forest?" Ron repeated. "Our date is at the FORBIDDEN FOREST!"

"Yeah, isn't it wicked?" Hermione asked.

"Wicked...yeah...very wicked," Ron said, gulping.

"Uh-oh," said Hagrid. "Looks like someone's scared. Ron, I'm the gameskeeper of this forest, and I assure you you're very safe with me. Besides, we aren't going to actually be going into the forest today."

"Awww," said Hermione as Ron breathed a sigh of relief.

"You're going to be flying _over_ the forest," Hagrid clarified.

"Oh, okay," said Ron. "On broomsticks? On pegasus-drawn carriages?"

"Have you ever met a Hippogriff before?" asked Hagrid. They shook their heads no. Ron wasn't even sure what a Hippogriff was. "Splendid! Follow me!"

They left his tiny house and saw that they were very close to the forest, uncomfortably close for Ron. Every time something moved, he jumped slightly, and Hermione took his hand. They followed Hagrid around the edge of the forest until they came to a little path that lead inward, and Hagrid turned down it. Hermione followed, but Ron froze. "I thought we weren't going into the forest," he said.

"Oh, we're not," said Hagrid. "I mean, we are a little. But this hardly counts."

Ron gulped and followed, whimpering when he saw a giant spider's web. "You picked the wrong person for this date," he whispered to Hermione.

 _Maybe,_ she thought, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

They came to a clearing, and sitting there was a creature with a horse body and wings, but it wasn't a pegasus. It had an eagle's head. "This here is Buckbeak," said Hagrid. "Don't come any closer. He's skittish around strangers. If you don't gain his trust, he may bite ya."

"Oh, good to know," said Ron.

Hagrid took off his backpack and opened it. It stunk. "Alright, grab a possum," he said.

"I'm sorry?" asked Ron.

Hagrid took a dead possum out of the backpack. "Go on, I brought plenty."

"Oh, good," said Ron. "Look, Hermione, we get to touch dead possums on our date." She giggled and reached into the bag. Ron did the same, trying not to gag.

"Okay," said Hagrid. "So you want to offer Buckbeak the possum. And if he likes you, then you can pet him."

"And if he doesn't like you?" Ron asked.

"Then he'll bite you," said Hagrid.

"Oh, good," said Ron.

Hermione went first. Ron was glad she did, because he flinched when Buckbeak snapped down on the possum so close to her hand.

"Very good! Now stretch out your hand," Hagrid instructed. Hermione did, and Buckbeak bumped her palm with his beak. She was able to pat him lightly on the head.

"Wicked," said Ron.

"You ready to give it a try?" asked Hagrid. Ron nodded.

They had to repeat the process about five more times before Hagrid felt comfortable letting them ride Buckbeak. When they started to mount the Hippogriff, Ron wondered in horror if Hagrid was going to try to come with, but as soon as Hermione was settled in behind him, Buckbeak took off.

After they returned, Hagrid escorted Ron and Hermione out of the forest and to their own private dinner on a lake.

"Oh, you won't be joining us, Hagrid?" Ron asked playfully. Hermione chortled.

"Ohhh, I am flattered," said Hagrid. "But I think you two ought to be alone." He winked and left.

"Bye, Hagrid!" Hermione said. "He's the nicest man. I did a brief internship with him in college."

"Oh yeah? I guess you would need to know about magical creatures to be an auror," he said. "What do you think this meat is?" Ron asked.

"It looks like steak..," Hermione said.

"Are we sure it's like, _steak_ steak, though?" Ron asked. "Given where we are."

"Oh no! Are you implying we're eating a Hippogriff?"

"Hippogriff. Griffin. Pegasus. Thestral. Nah, not thestral. Thestrals don't have any meat on them." He bit into the steak. "Jerky maybe."

"Stop!" Hermione said through laughing. She wasn't going to get any eating done at this rate.

"Sorry," said Ron. "I make jokes when I'm nervous."

"So you must be _always_ nervous," said Hermione.

"I mean, kinda, yeah," said Ron.

"What makes you nervous?" Hermione asked.

"You," Ron said before thinking. "You're smarter than me. You're _way_ better looking than me. So yeah. You make me nervous."

"Well, I guess I can't be mad about that," said Hermione. "I don't want to make you nervous all the time, though. You know, I feel like out of all the guys I've met, I became friends with you the fastest."

"Yeah?" asked Ron, unsure of where she was going with this.

"Yeah," she said. "I dunno. You're just so easy to talk to."

"You sure it's not because I just don't say much?" he asked.

She swallowed another piece of steak. "That could be it, yeah."

"Oh, alright," said Ron. "I'll just keep doing that, then?"

"No!" she exclaimed with a laugh. "I want to know more about you. What's your family like? I mean, I saw them all on TV when I watched Bill's season, but what do _you_ think of them?"

"Now I kinda want to know what you think of them," Ron admitted. "Yeah, they're, you know, I never had a minute to myself growing up. But it's kinda nice to always have someone there. They're the most supportive people you'll meet. Anyone who walks through our door becomes instant family."

"That's awesome," said Hermione. "As a kid I was always jealous of people who had a bunch of brothers and sisters."

"Oh, I was always jealous of people who had none," said Ron. "But I wouldn't change it, not really. They made me who I am."

"Yeah, I guess I'd say the same," said Hermione. "Do you like cats?"

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

"Sorry, change of topic," said Hermione. "I'm just curious. Do you like cats?"

"Before I answer...how many cats?" he asked.

"Well, I only have one," said Hermione with a laugh.

"Oh, good," said Ron. "Yeah, cats are, they're cats. You know. They're there. They purr and scratch and stuff."

"You don't like them."

"Not really, no. But if you like them...I could deal with one," said Ron.

"Okay," said Hermione. She reached for the rose.

"Did I pass the test?" Ron asked.

"Well, way to steal my moment!" said Hermione.

"Sorry, sorry, gah," said Ron. "Go on."

She laughed again before talking. "I know this date wasn't your cup of tea. But I love how you just went with it even though you were super uncomfortable the entire time."

"Not the entire time!" he protested.

"You couldn't wait to get off Buckbeak," said Hermione.

"I actually thought Buckbeak was really cool!" Ron defended. "From a distance. He's cool from a distance. You, though, you were brilliant."

"Thank you," said Hermione. "I think you're brilliant too."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..," said Ron.

"Ron, will you accept this rose?" she asked.

"Absolutely," he said. And after she pinned the rose on him, they kissed.

RON CAM: "That was brilliant. I don't know how I got a rose, but...wow. I'm in trouble. I'm in so much trouble. I could see myself falling for this girl, like, way too fast."

HERMIONE CAM: "Ron and I have a really great foundation that could turn into something beautiful. I was really looking today to see if romance could blossom between us. I'm not entirely sure we're there yet, but, I'm not ready to see him go. He's a great guy. A really great guy."

They returned home to the cocktail party, and Ron was able to breathe easy. He watched the other men stumble around to claim what little time with her they could squeak out. Draco was interrupting people constantly despite already having a rose. What an arse, Ron thought.

At the rose ceremony, roses were awarded to Harry, Neville, Cormac, Viktor, Oliver, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, Tom, Dean, Zach, and Justin. Ernie Macmillan went home as quietly as he came.

DRACO CAM: "Alright, one less Hufflepuff hanging around and singing Kumbaya. Bloody gits are just in the way, taking up space...taking up air..."

HERMIONE CAM: "Oh my gosh." She buried her head in her hands, then looked up. "I sent home the wrong Hufflepuff!" she whispered. The cameramen gasped and laughed.

"Do you want us to...you know, we can fix that," said a guy off camera.

"Ehhh," said Hermione. "It was probably not meant to be."


	4. Chapter 4

It's week three of Hermione's season airing on MBBC. Cho and Luna hunker down for another night of trying to guess which man is the one Hermione is engaged to. She's given them little to no information.

"Okay," said Luna, dragging in a poster board containing pictures of all the men. "We've had a week to think about it. Who are you thinking, Cho?"

"I still don't have a clue!" Cho moaned. "I can tell you more who I don't think it is. I don't think either of the men from the one-on-one dates are the winners."

"See, I could see it being Severus," said Luna.

"NO!" Cedric shouted from the kitchen.

"Oh, okay? What is your opinion, Cedric?" asked Luna.

"Viktor Krum," said Cedric, coming into the living room armed with a bag of cheese curls.

"Cedric just wants to meet Viktor," said Cho. "I still feel like there are too many guys to tell. I'm not calling it yet. But I would be very surprised if it were either Severus or Ron."

"We haven't discussed the group date rose, Draco," said Luna.

"Fuck that guy!" said Cedric. "If it's that guy, I'm out."

"Hermione obviously sees something in him that we don't," said Cho, "but I feel like the charm will wear off there. Nope, I think the winner is still hiding somewhere in the masses."

The program began, and the trio sat down.

Gilderoy Lockhart entered the mansion and gathered the men, date card in hand. "Gentlemen," he began, "you should by now have spent enough time with Hermione to realize what a phenomenal woman she is. I don't think I should have to remind you just how precious all of your time with her will be, and it only gets more crucial as more of you go home." He paused for effect. "The group date last week was very stressful for Hermione, for obvious reasons. She regrets that she had so little time to spend with those of you who were on the group date. So, she has decided this week to split you into two group dates. There will also be a one-on-one date. As always, there are roses up for grabs on all of these dates. If you are on the one-on-one date, and you don't receive a rose, you will go home immediately." He handed the date card to the man nearest to him, Ron. "Good luck, gentlemen. The first group date leaves in one hour."

Ron opened the date card, stood up, and read, "Neville, Draco, Cormac, Viktor, Oliver, Tom, Zach, and Dean. I picture us together. Hermione."

"That's a lot of blokes she's picturing herself with," Lee quipped.

"That's a weird way to split us up, too," remarked Justin. "You know, it's not how we usually divide ourselves."

"I doubt Hermione is concerned with who we're friends with in the house," said Draco, rolling his eyes. "If you came here to make friends, you're missing the point."

"I think someone's mad his Death Eater bro went home," Dudley muttered.

Draco glared at him. "You want to say that louder?"

"I don't think I have to," said Dudley. "What are you gonna do about it, anyways, pretty boy?"

"Hey, you know, can't we just put that behind us now?" asked Oliver. "It doesn't do any good to fight among ourselves."

"I'm not the one who brought it up," spat Draco.

"You know, Dudley, I don't think you realize just how sensitive of an issue that is," Harry offered.

"I realize I was attacked," said Dudley, "and I realize who supported me and who didn't. Blondie," Dudley said, cracking his knuckles. "You just remember what happened to your little friend, alright?"

Draco drew his wand, and Marcus held him back. "Dude, it's not worth it," said Marcus.

RON CAM: "Geeeez, that muggle has got anger issues! I mean, I get it, Draco's not anyone's favorite, but, now it just feels like Dudley's purposely trying to stir up trouble to eliminate more blokes. It's not cool."

DEAN CAM: "That muggle has got BALLS! He needs to lay off Draco...or Draco needs to lay off him...I honestly don't know who I'd put my money on here."

SEVERUS CAM: "Bumbling idiots, the lot of them. Their days are numbered if they're gonna keep acting like children. Oh, wait, they _are_ children."

SEAMUS CAM: "I really want to like the muggle, because, you know, it's nice. On paper, it's the right thing to do. But...I don't think we got the best one, erm..."

DRACO CAM: "The way I see it, what we have here is someone who has stumbled into a situation where he knows he's in way over his head. He's not smart, he's probably top dog where he came from, and now he's trying to overcompensate for his lack of magic. I don't give a crap that he's a muggle. If he comes at me, I will defend myself. But Marcus is right. I can't make the first move. I do hope he hits me though. I mean, when he hit Blaise, that was one thing, but I've done nothing to him. He'll be going home for sure."

* * *

The men met Hermione outside. "Hello, boys!" she exclaimed.

"Hiiii Hermione," said eight deep voices.

"We'll be going by Floo," she said. "Follow me!"

"Wait, we're using the one in _your_ cottage?" Neville asked.

"Why is everyone so surprised by that?" Hermione asked. "What do you think you're going to see?"

In fact, the men had all had discussions about what they thought Hermione's cottage looked like, and what she might be doing there while they were apart. But Neville shrugged, and the men snickered nervously as they entered the cottage and stepped one-by-one into the Floo.

They emerged into a room that had been set up for a photo shoot. Gilderoy was already there being photographed. The group gathered around and watched as Gilderoy posed effortlessly for the camera.

CORMAC CAM: "Ohhhh hell yes. This is my date! I am so pumped! IT'S CORMAC TIME!"

"Gentlemen, welcome!" Gilderoy exclaimed with a flourish. "Welcome to MBBC studios' photography room. This is where we do all of our photo shoots for show promotions."

"Oh, yeah, I thought this was familiar," said Dean.

"Yes, you've all been here before when you were chosen for the show." The men all nodded, except for Cormac, who was gazing around with a puzzled expression. "I'll let Hermione explain exactly why you've been brought back."

She stepped in front of them and beamed. "As most of you are aware, I'm very passionate about the rights of magical nonhumans. Today, we're going to be participating in a photoshoot for a calendar with some magical nonhumans. And the proceeds of this calendar are going to support magical nonhuman rights."

"Cool," said most of the guys.

"Umm, I'm sorry. Can you be more specific about what you mean by 'magical nonhumans'?" Draco asked.

"That's just the politically correct term for any living thing known only to the wizarding world. Everything from pixies to giants are magical nonhumans," said Hermione.

"Oh, okay," said Draco.

DRACO CAM: "I'm really not into this whole activism stuff, but if it's for Hermione, I'll do it."

Hermione continued, "Each of you will have a companion creature in your photo that you can choose. The creature you choose will determine which month you are, and what you will wear."

"Dibs on the speedo," Cormac said. Everyone laughed.

"You've got it!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh, that's a real thing? Oh, alright," said Neville. The men all looked at each other, and it became painfully obvious why they had been chosen for this date. The men assembled were probably the best looking in the house.

"Don't worry. You won't have to do anything you're not comfortable with," Hermione said, distracted by Cormac removing his shirt and pants. She turned red. "Ummm...there are dressing rooms."

He flexed. "It's Cormac time!"

"Ohhhhkay," said Hermione. "I guess we'll begin!"

Hermione accompanied the men to meet the creatures they would be posing with, as Hermione, too, would be in the calendar. Hermione was posing with a house elf named Dobby. She changed into the pillowcase inspired dress.

ZACH CAM: "Damn, Hermione is still hot when she's wearing a pillowcase! What a woman!"

DRACO CAM: "If you had told me I'd be dating a woman who dressed like a house elf, I'd have laughed in your face. Is it wrong that I'm turned on by this? I feel dirty."

Dean gravitated to the phoenix.

"You realize you're going to probably be wearing feathers, right?" asked Oliver.

"Bring 'em on!" Dean exclaimed, and Hermione brought him a red and orange feathered cape, silky orange pants, and a feathered headdress. "Ohhhh, hell yeah! Can I take this outfit home with me? I think this look could really take off!"

"Pffft, _take off_ ," said Oliver. "I see what you did there."

"Ugghhh, you git," said Dean. "What have you got?"

"Baby dragon," said Oliver, holding up a tiny winged lizard.

"WHAT?! There was a dragon?! Oh, bloody hell!" said Dean. He looked guiltily at his phoenix. "Alright, buddy. Let's do this."

Zach came out of the dressing room in tight white pants with an iridescent white tail. "What are you?" Hermione asked him.

He put on a headband with pointy ears and a unicorn horn. "I'm a unicorn."

"You look fabulous," Dean snickered.

"Laugh all you want. I'm majestic as f***," said Zach.

ZACH CAM: "Girls love unicorns. This was a calculated move on my part." He tapped his head. "That rose is mine."

Zach went to get his picture taken. Dean and Oliver went into their dressing rooms, and Neville cracked open his door. "Excuse me? I think I'm missing half of my costume."

"Let's see it," Hermione asked. He poked out his head, looked around, and seeing nobody was really paying attention, stepped out. His outfit was sheer green, with leaves strategically placed over his butt and groin, and a few accent leaves elsewhere. Hermione grinned. "I knew you'd pick the bowtruckle," she said. "Ummm, no, that's the whole outfit, Neville." She laughed as his eyes widened. "Do you want me to see if we can get some more leaves on there real quick?"

"Please," said Neville. "Thanks."

HERMIONE CAM: "He really has no clue how hot he is. It's so freaking cute." She fanned herself. "This has been a very good date so far."

DOBBY CAM: "Dobby is starting to think that helping magical creatures is not Miss Hermione's primary motivation here."

"Hey, Hermione," said Tom, "you're not afraid of spiders, right?"

"No, not particularly," said Hermione. "Why?"

"There's an Acromantula here," said Tom. "I'm surprised, since they are poisonous."

"Ahh, that Acromantula is a rescue," said Hermione. "He was being farmed for his venom, and his glands go damaged, so he's perfectly safe for us. Unfortunately."

"Right," said Tom. "I'm glad you're not turned off by the darker animals. I have a pet snake, you know."

"Oh, yes, you mentioned that. I don't have a problem with snakes at all," said Hermione.

"Good, good," said Tom. He took his eight-legged body suit into the dressing room.

HERMIONE CAM: "Tom continues to impress me. The fact that he chose the Acromantula, a creature most people would scorn, shows that he doesn't care about looks. I think Tom really understands the point of today's date. And then there's Cormac..."

CORMAC CAM: "As a professional model, I know Hermione has high expectations for my photoshoot, so I picked a baby troll for my animal. Sure, I have to wear troll ears, but it's a small price to pray for the chance to show off my superior physique in this loincloth. That's right, I'm a sexy troll. Only Cormac McLaggen could make trolls sexy."

Draco and Viktor were left, and there were two animals left, a pink pygmy puff and a niffler. Draco and Viktor were arguing over the niffler.

"I had the niffler first," said Viktor. "The niffler chose me."

"I'm not wearing pink," said Draco, pouting and clutching the niffler to his chest.

"Oh, that's a shame," said Hermione cheekily. "I rather like a man in pink."

"On second thought? The niffler is yours, Viktor," said Draco, pushing it back to Viktor. "Sorry about that."

"Thank you," said Viktor, taking the little guy from Draco. During the hand-off, the niffler flew away from both of them on a golden snitch. "THAT NIFFLER NIFFED MY SNITCH!"

"Ha! He didn't choose you, he chose your snitch," said Draco. A crewman handed Draco a pink fluffy outfit. Draco's eyes widened. "Erm...thank you."

DOBBY CAM: "After meeting all of the men here today, Dobby thinks Miss Granger should pick Master Longbottom or Master Wood. Masters Thomas, Krum, and Smith are nice too. Dobby does not like Master Malfoy and Master Riddle. Dobby thinks Master Malfoy is a big baby, and Master Riddle is just plain creepy. Master McLaggen is dumb. Miss Granger has much work to do and big decisions to make. Dobby wishes Miss Granger all the best for a happy future."

The pictures were taken, and the boys all said goodbye to their new magical nonhuman friends and changed back into their regular clothes. Dinner was served on the rooftop of the MBBC, and Hermione was able to speak again with all of her suitors.

She took the rose from the table. "Thank you everyone for a wonderful day. This date actually went better than I was expecting, and that's because you all just embraced the day. This rose, however, I'm giving to someone whom I know went way out of their comfort zone today..."

DRACO CAM: "I covered myself in pink fur for this woman. If I don't get that rose, I'm going to scream."

"...Neville," said Hermione. "Will you accept this rose?"

DRACO CAM: "BOLLOCKS!"

"Absolutely!" said Neville, beaming. The men all smiled and nodded politely, but the disappointment was evident on their faces. Draco was stone faced.

Hermione and the men all returned to the Floo and stepped out into Hermione's cottage. Crookshanks meowed at them, and Hermione bid them all goodnight. When she thought all had gone, she closed the door.

"Hey," said Neville, petting Crookshanks.

"Oh, hey," said Hermione. "Sorry, I thought everyone had gone."

"They have," said Neville.

"No, I mean..."

"I know, I know," said Neville. "That happens a lot, you know. People forgetting I'm there. I'm not the best in group situations, you know."

She giggled nervously. "You're fine," said Hermione.

"I wanted to say I'm very grateful that you gave me this rose tonight. And surprised. That you notice me. I wanted to say more earlier, but I was nervous," he said.

She took his hand. "It's okay to be nervous. I'm nervous too. But you do stand out to me, Neville."

They stared into each other's eyes for an awkwardly long time. "The cameraman is still here," he whispered.

"It's okay," she said, and she drew him in for a passionate kiss.

When Neville returned to the mansion, Draco and Marcus were sitting in the living room.

"And then she gives the rose to...," Draco was saying as Neville walked through the door. They turned to look at him, and he stood stiffly.

"Hey," Neville said.

"Where have you been?" Draco asked.

"Um," said Neville. "Plants."

"Plants?" Draco asked.

"Yeah, they have really good plants here. I was looking at them."

"Plants," Draco repeated. "Was Hermione looking at plants too?"

"No," said Neville, turning red. "I'm going to bed now." He bolted up the stairs.

Draco seethed.

The next morning, another date card arrived. Seamus found it and sounded the general alarm. "DATE CARD! WAKE UP, EVERYONE! DATE CARD!"

The men assembled. Seamus opened the card. "Harry," he read. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear what followed. "I see a future with you."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!" the men hollered.

Harry flushed. He read the details and sprung out of his seat. "Bloody hell, we leave in an hour!"

"Get it, Harry!" Lee hooted as Harry ascended the stairs to prepare himself.

Draco sat down next to Neville. "Did you?" he asked.

"Hm? Did I what?" Neville asked.

"Get it," said Draco, raising his eyebrows. "You know."

"No, I don't," said Neville. "What are you talking about?"

"Drop the dazed and confused act," said Draco. "I know you were at Hermione's cottage last night!"

The men all gasped and turned to Neville and Draco.

"We were all at Hermione's cottage," said Cormac.

"No, dummy. This one was there longer," said Draco. "He came in late last night, all flushed and guilty looking. Ain't that right, Marcus?"

"I mean, yeah," said Marcus.

Gasps and murmurs.

"Blimey," said Ron. "How long were you there? What did you...?"

"It's not what it sounds, okay!" Neville said. "She was saying goodbye to everyone after our date, and I wanted to tell her thank you for the rose again, so I hung back a bit."

"Tell her thank you," Dudley hissed. "Oh, that's rich."

"Honest, that's all! I have a hard time expressing myself with a bunch of other people around, so I hung back. And I told her thank you again, and..." He turned red.

"And?" asked Justin. "And and and?"

"And we did kiss. I'm not going to lie about that. We kissed a lot. But I wasn't trying to do anything, and that's all we did was kiss. I promise. And I know most of you have done it too. I hear about it. I hadn't kissed her yet. The cameras make me nervous. But I did. Actually, she started it." Boos and hisses. "Honest! Not that it matters. Look, I don't think I did anything any one of you wouldn't have done in the situation. Hermione is a classy woman. I didn't do anything wrong. _We_ didn't do anything wrong."

"Well, of course you'd say that! You were snogging her!" said Dean.

"Maybe I'll just go over to Hermione's right now," said Draco. "Apparently we're allowed to just do that now. We don't have to wait our turns at all. Just go snog Hermione whenever you feel like it, boys!"

"Now come on, that's not fair," Oliver said. "Hermione invited us all in last night to use the Floo. Sounds to me like Neville was well within his bounds. The date's not over until we get back to the mansion, right? And Hermione let Neville stay. She could have kicked him out, and she didn't. We can't be mad at either of them for that. It's just what it was. But we shouldn't all be knocking on her door all the time to snog."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Zach. "We're just mad it wasn't us, really."

"Well, I don't think it's fair," said Draco.

"Well, this is Hermione's show, not yours," said Neville. The side conversations came to a halt.

"What did you say, Longbottom?" asked Draco.

"I said it's not your show," said Neville, "and you're not the only one who has a connection with her. That's what this is really about, isn't it? You're jealous of me."

Draco's eyes widened, but he shook it off. "If you had just been a man earlier, you wouldn't have had to go behind all our backs," he said.

"A real man doesn't have to tear others down to get a girl to like him," Neville said. He went out the back door to the patio, and the Gryffindors followed him, clapping.

Harry descended the stairs, watched his friends walk out the door, then looked at the pouting Draco. "What'd I miss?" Harry asked.

* * *

Harry was sitting outside when Hermione arrived at the mansion to pick him up. "Oh, hello," she said.

"Hey," he said. "You look nice."

She was wearing a purple sundress. "Thanks, you too," she said. He had on a grey button-up and black slacks. "Shall we?" she asked.

"We shall," he said. "Where are we going today?"

"We'll be going by Floo. We have an appointment with a psychic," said Hermione.

"A psychic?" Harry repeated, getting up and following her to the cottage.

"Yeah, is that alright?" Hermione asked nervously.

"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I mean, I've never been to a psychic before."

"Me neither," said Hermione. "I'm excited though. I've always been interested in divination."

They went into the cottage and into the Floo, and they arrived at Diagon Alley.

"Oh, hey! I love this place!" Harry exclaimed.

"Our psychic is waiting for us at the Leaky Cauldron," said Hermione.

"Wicked," said Harry. "This brings back so many memories for me."

"Yeah?" said Hermione. She took his arm, and they began to walk.

"Yeah," said Harry. "You know I didn't know I was a wizard for my entire childhood. This was really my first experience with wizardry."

"Mine too!" Hermione exclaimed. "So you were raised by muggles?"

"Yeah, my aunt and uncle. They were awful," said Harry. "But then the Order came and took me away, so no harm done. Really ironic I'm here with Dudley, though."

"Dudley?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, he's my cousin," said Harry.

"You're joking."

"I'm not," said Harry. "He didn't tell you either, then? Yeah, we try not to acknowledge our relation. I will say he's a much better person now than when we were kids. Still a little hot under the collar though. But let's not talk about him. How were your parents when they found out?"

"That I was a witch? They were shocked, but, they were thrilled," said Hermione. "They were proud of me for everything. _Literally_ everything. They framed my scribble drawings."

Harry laughed, but there was a sadness in it. They arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.

"Hello lovers!" greeted an older woman with long grey hair, glasses that made her eyes look two sizes too big, and a multicolored dress decorated in zodiac symbols. "You must be Hermione," she said, taking Hermione's hands. "And you are...no, don't tell me...Harry."

"Wow!" Harry said seriously.

The woman laughed. "I had your name ahead of time, dear. But please, sit down, sit down." Harry and Hermione took the indicated seats. There was a tea kettle at the table and three teacups. "I am Sybill Trelawney, and today we are going to read tea leaves. Are either of you experienced in Divination?" They shook their heads no. "Wonderful! Tea leaves are one of the easiest for beginners. First, we enjoy some tea." She opened up a wooden tea box covered in runes. "Go on, choose your teas. Let's get to know each other a bit. What brings both of you here today?"

"Well, uh, there's this show, where a bunch of blokes date the same girl," said Harry. "I got today's date card, and so here I am."

"And so here you are," said Trelawney. "Is that all it is for you, Harry?"

Harry poured hot water into his cup. "I'm sorry?"

"Is all this just a show to you, Harry?" Trelawney asked. "Or is it something more? What actually brought you here today, Harry?"

"Oh, well," said Harry, "I suppose I put my name in for the show because I was getting rather lonely."

"Lonely," repeated Trelawney. Harry shifted nervously in his seat. "So you decided you were ready to get married because you were lonely."

"Oh wow, umm, I guess when you put it that way," said Harry. "Yeah."

"And you see Hermione as your potential wife?" Trelawney asked.

"Well," said Harry, swallowing nervously. "Yeah. She's brilliant. A real good catch."

"A real good catch," Trelawney repeated, and there was a hint of judgment in her voice. Hermione giggled nervously. "Hermione, do you think Harry here is also a 'real good catch'?"

"I do," said Hermione. "Seems like he has his life together."

"Seems like he has his life together," said Trelawney. "A man who decided going on a show to marry whatever girl the show decided to pick as its star has his life together. Yes. I see."

Harry chugged his tea. "OH! Look at that! I'm done! What do the leaves say?"

Hermione and Trelawney stared at Harry, whose face was red and eyes were watering. "Hand the cup to Hermione," Trelawney said slowly. "Do you...do you need a glass of water?"

Harry choked. "Yes please," he wheezed.

Hermione waved a waiter over to them and whispered to him. The waiter nodded. Hermione took Harry's cup, still extremely hot.

"Hermione, describe what you see in the leaves," Trelawney instructed.

Hermione, still boggling at how Harry swallowed that hot tea so fast, looked down into the cup. "I see...umm?"

"What shapes?" Trelawney pressed.

"It's...," Hermione said, staring harder than she'd ever stared at something before, "it's abstract."

Harry giggled, then coughed. The waiter returned with a glass of ice water, and he drank greedily.

"I'm sorry?" asked Trelawney. "Let me take a look." Hermione tipped the cup towards Trelawney, and she stood up and shrieked.

Hermione dropped the cup and stood up as well, looking around frantically for a spider or something. "What? What is it?"

Trelawney grabbed Harry's arm. "My dear," she said. "It's the Grim."

Harry swallowed the last drop of water. "Okay?"

"The Grim is...it's a symbol of..." Trelawney looked nervously at all of the cameras. "It's a very rare symbol, very rare. It's a symbol of death, dear."

"Death," said Harry. "Oh, good. Hermione, how about we go hit the town?"

"Sounds great," said Hermione quickly. "Thank you, Ms. Trelawney!"

"Wait, wait! What about your fortune?" Trelawney asked.

"I'm good, thanks," said Hermione. They rushed out together into the streets, then exploded in laughter. "I am so, so sorry," said Hermione. "That was not at all what I expected. Is your throat okay?"

"I can't feel my tongue," said Harry. "Worth it."

* * *

"Tom," said Severus, "what are these rocks for?"

Tom looked up from his journal at his roommate, Severus. Severus was by their window, where someone had lined up seven rocks all in a row.

"None of your business, Severus," said Tom. He scribbled something in his journal.

"And what are you always writing?" asked Severus.

"None of your business," said Tom.

"You know, typically when people share a living space they can't help but to learn more about each other. Yet I have nothing but more questions about you, Tom."

"I didn't come here to make friends," said Tom.

"That's one thing we have in common," said Severus. "And we're both Slytherin boys, aren't we?"

"Yes," said Tom. "Best wizarding school there is."

"Yet I don't know you," said Severus. "Which is very odd, considering that I am their Potions Master."

Tom didn't look up. "I had Slughorn."

"Slughorn?" Severus asked, surprised. "Slughorn has been retired for years. I had Slughorn. Just how old are you?"

"None of your business," Tom repeated.

"You don't look a day past 20, honestly," said Severus. "I had all the other Slytherin boys here, and you look younger than them."

Tom looked up at Severus. "Magic," he said.

"Indeed," said Severus.

* * *

Harry and Hermione spent the day going in and out of the shops on Diagon Alley. Instead of having dinner at the Leaky Cauldron as the show had arranged, their dinner consisted of various snacks and candies purchased in the stores.

"Sorry to interrupt," Gilderoy said, apparating next to their table where they were eating color changing cotton candy. "But since you guys have gone off book, which is totally fine, I needed someplace to leave this." It was a rose.

"Oh, thank you," Hermione said nervously, but Gilderoy had already apparated away.

"I don't think he's very happy with us," said Harry.

"Well, I don't know what they were thinking inviting that woman onto the show," said Hermione.

"Although," said Harry, "the questions she was asking were probably things we should be talking about."

"Oh, it's only been three weeks," said Hermione. "I don't see why we should get so intense."

"Well, no, not with that intensity," said Harry. "But, I mean, there is supposed to be a proposal at the end of this. So, what brought you here? Why did you put your name in for the show?"

"Oh, I didn't," said Hermione. "My friends nominated me. And I was _so_ against it at first."

"What changed?" Harry asked.

"I was going to get a second cat," Hermione said honestly, and Harry laughed. "You know what struck me when Trelawney was grilling you with questions? How much your answers were the same as mine. I was just lonely. I felt like everyone's life was moving forward except for mine."

"That's exactly how I felt," said Harry. "I just didn't want to look back one day and say, you know, what if? So I signed on for the show."

"Yeah, I get that," said Hermione, picking up the rose. "Well, Harry, I am so happy I brought you on this date. I loved the way you handled the awkwardness at the Leaky Cauldron and how you bailed me out. I feel safe around you, Harry. So Harry, will you accept this rose?"

"Yeah," said Harry, smiling. "Thanks."

As they kissed, an unscheduled fireworks show began. All of Diagon Alley came out to watch, but Harry and Hermione barely glanced at it.

* * *

"DATE CARD, BOYS!" Colin shouted.

"I don't see why we need that," said Severus. "It's obvious who's on it."

"Yeah, but we need our our fun little clue about what we're doing," said Colin. He cleared his throat and read, "Ron, Severus, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, and Justin. Love can be messy. Hermione."

The date left the next morning, and they traveled once again by Floo. They had been instructed to wear athletic clothing, so the men were expecting to play some sort of sport. It was surprising, then, when they arrived inside a nice Victorian house.

"Hello!" greeted Gilderoy Lockhart with a flourish. "Welcome to my home!"

"Nice crib, man!" Lee said.

"Thank you!" said Gilderoy. "Everyone, as I'm sure you know, I spent many years travelling the world encountering all sorts of magical beasts. Today we were going to be facing another kind of magical beast. Gentlemen, I currently have a pixie infestation." The wizards all grimaced, while Dudley was thinking about tubes of flavored sugar. "This date will be simple. Your goal will be to capture as many pixies in the house as you can. The man who catches the most will win extra time with Hermione."

"All right!" Dudley exclaimed. "What do I have to do to catch these things?"

"Oh," said Gilderoy. "Hermione, you invited the muggle on this date?"

"Oh, yeah," said Hermione. "I didn't realize there would be a competition part of this date. Maybe I should just take Dudley aside now while the others catch pixies?"

"Oh no!" Dudley boasted. "I don't want to be treated _any_ differently because I'm a muggle. I'll catch pixies. I'll catch _all_ the pixies. What's a pixie?"

As if on cue, a pink pixie whizzed over their heads. Severus flicked his wand, and the pixie fell stunned to the ground. "One," said Severus.

No more words were needed. The men grabbed their bags and took off into all corners of the house.

"Okay, now, while they're all occupied," said Gilderoy. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Yes?" said Hermione, concerned. "Is something wrong?"

"No," said Gilderoy. Then he thought. "Well, yes," he said. "But not with you! You're perfect."

"Oh, stop," said Hermione. "I still feel so awkward all the time."

"You're making some connections, though, yes?" asked Gilderoy.

"Yeah," said Hermione confidently. "I had a couple of great dates this week. Probably my favorite dates so far."

"Is that so?" asked Gilderoy. "Well, I have had such a great time so far getting to know you, Hermione."

"Thanks, Gilderoy. I feel the same."

"You do?"

"Sure," she said. "You're a great guy, Gilderoy."

"Oh, wow," he said. "I wasn't expecting this to go so well, honestly."

"This?" Hermione asked. "And, what is _this_ , exactly?"

"I mean, I _thought_ I felt a spark between us, but now I know. Oh, Hermione. Can I leave the show as a host and be a contestant?"

"Can you WHAT?!" Hermione asked incredulously.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "Watching you with all these guys, it kills me! They don't deserve you. I have helped so many people find love on this show, but I'm still alone. I don't want to be alone anymore, Hermione. I want...I want to be the one accepting the rose."

"Ummm...okay," said Hermione, processing.

"Okay? So I can join?"

"I mean...I think I still need some time to process this request," said Hermione.

"Right," said Gilderoy. "Sure. Okay. I understand. But can I go catch pixies?"

"Umm...I guess. Sure."

"Oh, goodie!" Gilderoy exclaimed. He took off through the house.

Hermione turned to the crew. "I need permission to consult my friends, please."

* * *

Justin was struggling with a bunch of pixies he'd uncovered in the library. He flicked his wand to stun them, and when he went to pick them up, he couldn't find the bodies. Dudley chortled.

"Hey!" Justin shouted. "Those are mine!"

"Finders keepers, losers weepers!" Dudley laughed. He ran down the hallway and smacked into Gilderoy. "Oh, erm," said Dudley. "I mean, haha, here Justin, I picked up your pixies for you."

"Oh, is this section cleared? Darn!" said Gilderoy.

"What do you mean?" asked Dudley. "Say, why do you have pixies? You helping a muggle brother out?"

"Oh, no, I'm competing!" Gilderoy said with a smile. "Do you know if the bathroom has been cleared yet?"

"Competing? Say, that ain't fair!" said Dudley. "What do you need to compete for? You can't have Hermione."

"Well, actually," said Gilderoy, "the MBBC says I can."

Dudley threw his bag of stolen pixies at Gilderoy. "WHAT?!"

"Hey, woah, what are you hurting Gilderoy for?" asked Justin.

"He's competing for Hermione!" Dudley said.

"WHAT?!" Justin exclaimed, dropping his bag, and a bunch of pixies flew out. "That ain't fair!"

* * *

"WHAT?!" Cho exclaimed. "Hermione, that's _awesome!_ "

"Is it?" Hermione asked. "Gilderoy is good looking, yes, but he's so _cheesy_. And I'm not sure that this is fair to the rest of the guys."

"All is fair in love and reality TV, Hermione," said Cho. "Sounds like he really likes you. I'd give him a shot."

"But what if the other guys are mad?" asked Hermione.

"Then they're more concerned about themselves than what's best for you," said Cho. "And so that's what you have to do, Hermione. You have to do what's best for _you._ If you like Gilderoy, go for it. If you don't, then don't. But nobody else should be in this decision."

"Right, okay," said Hermione. "Thanks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I needed to hear that." There was a clamor from above. All of the men came rushing down the stairs to where Hermione was sitting by the fireplace. "Gotta go. Thanks." She hung up with Cho.

"Hermione!" Marcus said urgently. "Is Gilderoy one of us now?"

"I...I don't...I haven't made a decision yet," said Hermione.

"How can you do this to us?" Dudley asked. "You're supposed to be eliminating guys, not adding them!"

"What I'm supposed to be doing is finding my husband!" Hermione exclaimed. "Yes, there are certain parameters in this show, but I need to do what is best for me. And if I decide Gilderoy could be that person...then he'll be joining us. And you'll just have to get used to it!"

The men shrugged and nodded, except for Dudley, who crossed his arms.

"Ummm," said a voice coming down the stairs. It was Colin, dragging a stuffed bag of pixies. "I do believe I've won."

Hermione clapped her hands. "Excellent! Gilderoy, what's the next step of the date?"

"Uhhh, right," said Gilderoy. "Colin, Hermione, you will be enjoying a vintage carriage ride around the beautiful English countryside."

"Thank you," said Hermione.

"And when you get back, we'll enjoy an artisan dinner prepared by my own personal chef. Gentlemen, let's to the terrace, shall we?" Gilderoy asked.

"Umm, I suppose we shall?" Seamus said.

Everyone reluctantly followed him out the back, and Hermione and Colin got into their carriage.

"So, I feel like I missed something," said Colin.

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Gilderoy wants to court me."

"Oh," said Colin. "Is that allowed?"

"I guess it is," said Hermione.

"Do you want it to be allowed?" Colin asked.

"I'm not sure," said Hermione.

"Well, when I met you, I was very sure I was in the right place," said Colin. "So it seems to me, if you're not sure, then it's probably more trouble than it's worth."

"You _would_ say that," said Hermione. "You don't want any more competition."

"I actually don't see this as a competition at all," said Colin.

"How can you say that when you literally just _won a competition_ to be with me?" Hermione asked.

"Well, if that's what it takes to get a chance to be with you, then yes," said Colin. "But I wouldn't try so hard if I didn't really like you."

"Well, thanks, Colin," said Hermione. "That actually helps a lot."

They spent the rest of the time enjoying the beautiful English countryside and each other. When the carriage returned, the men were all sitting at a long dining table that had been set up on the terrace. Gilderoy excitedly pulled out a chair next to him. "Right here, Hermione!" he beamed.

Hermione sighed. "Gilderoy, can I talk to you?"

"Of course!" he said, springing out of his chair. He took her hand and started babbling about his topiary collection.

"Gilderoy, stop," said Hermione, taking her hand back. "Gilderoy, I can't."

"Right, too soon, too soon," said Gilderoy. "I just know you already have some solid relationships with these other guys, so I thought maybe..." He saw her face. "Oh, you don't mean you can't hold my hand. You mean you can't...ever."

"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "I wanted to give you a chance, but I realized I'd be doing it for you, not for me."

Gilderoy sighed. "Okay."

"Are you...are you going to be okay?" Hermione asked.

Rita Skeeter apparated beside him. "No, he will not. Gilderoy, what were you thinking?!" she exclaimed sternly.

"She's perfect!" Gilderoy sobbed. "I'm sorry, but for some inexplicable reason she's the only woman in this whole universe that seems desirable!"

"Oh my," Hermione said, embarrassed for him.

"It's okay, Hermione, dear. Why don't you just go back and talk to your suitors? You're wasting valuable time here. I'll take care of this one." Rita grabbed Gilderoy by the ear. "I'll be back at the rose ceremony to take over the role of host until _this one_ -" She yanked his ear. "-gets a grip on reality again."

"Right, okay, thanks," said Hermione. "And I really am sorry."

"No harm done, dear. No harm done," said Rita. Gilderoy and Rita apparated away.

Hermione returned to dinner on the terrace and explained what she had done. After conversing with the men, she decided to award this group date rose to Colin for helping her see clearly what needed to be done.

COLIN CAM: "Thanks, Mr. Lockhart!" He winked for the camera.

RON CAM: "I feel sorry for the guy. You can't blame him for falling for her. We all have."

DUDLEY CAM: "Haha, LOOOOSER!"

The incident with Gilderoy dominated the conversations Hermione had at the cocktail party. She was becoming exhausted. At this point, she was digging deeper with some of the guys, and her feelings were starting to sway stronger for some rather than others. She wondered at what point it might be acceptable for her to stop these pre-ceremony cocktail parties as she knew other stars had done in the past.

She sent home Cormac McLaggen, who had underwhelmed her on the group date with his self-obsession and inability to hold a conversation about anything that interested Hermione.

CORMAC CAM: "It's..." He wiped away a tear. "It's not..." He breathed deeply to keep himself from sobbing on camera. "It's not Cormac time."


	5. Chapter 5

"Excuse me, Ms. Skeeter?" Severus asked.

Gilderoy Lockhart was still a mess, so Rita had to fill in as host again because the show must go on. The men were packing to prepare to move to their next filming location, Norway.

"Yes, Severus?" asked Rita, disinterested as always.

"May I have permission to call a friend back home?" asked Severus.

"What for?" asked Rita.

"Well, actually, it's about one of the other contestants," said Severus.

"Then absolutely not," said Rita. "You may not disclose any information about the show until after it has aired. That's the contract you signed! That's the contract you'll abide by!"

"Yes, I know, but I think this is a different matter entirely," said Severus.

"How so?" asked Rita.

"One of the other contestants...I have reason to believe they are a very powerful dark wizard," said Severus.

Rita threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, Severus, you are a hoot! Do play that angle up for the camera, alright? Drama, drama, drama!"

"This is not a joke!" Severus fumed. "I believe we are all in grave danger!"

"Severus," said Rita, patting him lightly on the cheek, "you know everyone has been thoroughly screened."

"What about Blaise Zabini?" asked Severus. "The man injured a muggle. Is that a joke to you?"

"Dudley is fine," said Rita. "And we are all going to be fine. You forget we are all being closely monitored by MBBC's best."

"Can I please just call Dumbledore?"

"Now _what_ could be so important that you need to call Albus Dumbledore?" asked Rita.

"Ms. Skeeter, I believe...!" Severus started, then sighed. He couldn't say it out loud. It was too crazy.

* * *

"Norway, Luna, can you believe it?" Hermione gushed into the phone, gazing out of her mountain villa.

"Ohhhhmygosh, I am so jealous!" Luna exclaimed. "So, can you tell me about the dates you're planning, or is that hush-hush?"

"As long as I don't say any names, I'm allowed to talk. The first date is a broom ride through the mountains. I know exactly who I'm taking," said Hermione.

"Oh, you sound like you have a crush!" Luna teased.

"He is _very_ good looking, and _very_ successful," said Hermione.

"...and?" asked Luna.

"And that's all I can say. You're just gonna have to watch!"

"Bitch!" Luna laughed. "Oh, Hermione. I'm so happy to hear you so happy."

"Well, I miss you and Cho," said Hermione. "I wish I could bring you both with me."

"You don't want us on your dates with your hunks," said Luna. "Tell me just one more thing. Is he a good kisser?"

"Oh girl," said Hermione. "Hell yes."

* * *

The men arrived at the Norwegian mansion, and Rita instructed them to make themselves at home.

"Hmmmm," said Seamus, looking around, "who should I room with this time?"

"Shut up," said Dean. "I already put your bags in our room."

"We got a good window?" asked Seamus.

"Only the best for you, dear," said Dean. They ran off.

"Some of these guys," Tom said, shaking his head. "I can't wait until there are fewer guys and we can all have separate rooms."

"All the same," said Severus, "I'm glad there's someone like you here."

"Oh?" asked Tom. "What do you mean?"

"I feel like, in our own way, we're not so different from Dean and Seamus there," said Severus. "We get each other, don't we, Tom?"

Tom narrowed his eyes. "Yes, Severus. I suppose we do."

"SEVERUS!" Harry moaned. "Severus, my scar!" Harry was leaning against Ron like a pregnant wife in labor.

"The pain is getting too intense," said Ron. "He needs stronger pain potions. Can you do something?"

"I think I can," said Severus. "I'll need some supplies from the local wizard's market, though."

"Okay," said Ron. "I'll take him to yours and Tom's room."

"NO!" Severus snapped. "Leave him in your room. And don't leave him while I'm out, Weasley."

"Uhhh...okay," said Ron. "I just thought..."

"Actually, better get a better wizard in there. Malfoy!"

Draco and Marcus were halfway through a pint of beer in the kitchen. "Yeah?"

"Malfoy, go with Weasley and Potter, please."

"Why?"

"Yeah...why?" Ron echoed.

"Professor, I appreciate you worrying about me, but Malfoy will not make me feel better. No offense," said Harry.

"Malfoy was one of my top students at Slytherin. He'll make you a sleeping draught so you can rest until I finish my work. Malfoy, do you remember that sleeping draught? All of the ingredients are in my bag. Please make one for Mr. Potter."

"Yes, Professor," grumbled Draco.

"DATE CARD!" called Oliver.

"Oh, no way am I missing my one-on-one for Potter," said Draco.

Oliver opened the card. "Viktor," he read, "fly away with me. Hermione."

"Bollocks!" cursed Draco. "When the hell am I gonna get a one-on-one? What the hell am I here for if she's not gonna give me the time of day?"

"She can't give them to everyone," said Ron. "There just aren't enough dates."

"Easy for you to say. You got one the first week," said Draco.

"The dates are a way for Hermione to figure out how she feels about us, right?" asked Tom. "You and I both made very good impressions the first week. I take it as a good sign we haven't been asked on one-on-ones. She's confident enough in us to not need that time to know she wants to keep us around."

"Hmmm. Maybe," said Draco.

"I must say, though," said Oliver. "I'm especially disappointed at not being invited on this one. I literally teach kids to fly for a living. This sounds like my kind of date, and I'm missing it because I'm not..."

"Viktor Krum," Lee said disdainfully. "None of us can compete with that, for sure."

"Well, boys," said Marcus. "There's more beer in here."

"Sounds good to me," said Oliver. "C'mon, Lee. You blokes all coming?"

"We gotta take care of Harry," said Ron. "C'mon, Draco."

"I'll have some," said Tom.

"WOAH! Tom Riddle, being social! Now it's a party!" Lee exclaimed.

"To Norway, boys!" Marcus said, raising a glass.

"To Norway!" they agreed, joining Marcus in the kitchen. Severus left on his errand, and Draco and Ron went with Harry upstairs. And Viktor Krum changed into his Bulgarian National team jersey.

VIKTOR CAM: "I am honored to be invited on this date with Hermione today in the beautiful land of Norway. The beauty of the country will be matched only by the beauty of my date."

Hermione arrived to fetch Viktor, who presented her with a bouquet of roses.

"Ohhhh my goodness!" she gushed. "Where did you get these?"

"I buy roses for you every week, in case I am chosen for the one-on-one date," said Viktor.

"You're kidding," said Hermione. "Isn't that expensive?"

"Nothing is too much for you, Hermione," said Viktor.

VIKTOR CAM: "It really is not that much. I make a lot of money. I am not here for anything except Hermione."

"Well, Viktor, thank you so much," said Hermione, overwhelmed. She wrapped her arms around him. "Ready to hear what we are doing on today's date?"

"Of course, Hermione," said Viktor.

"We are going to have a picnic on a mountaintop," said Hermione, "and we are going to get there by broom."

Viktor smiled wider than he had since joining the show. "I was hoping we would be doing something on brooms when I read the date card," he said.

"Now, I must say, I am not the best at this," said Hermione, taking a broom from the crewman.

"Well, that is no problem," said Viktor. "You can just ride with me."

"Is that possible?" asked Hermione.

"Of course it is," said Viktor, taking the broom. "This is a good, strong broom, and long enough. And I am an expert. I will not let anything happen to you." They mounted the broom together and took off. Hermione squealed at the lift off. "Okay, just press close to me, and do what I do," Viktor instructed her. He didn't have to ask her twice. Hermione nestled in against his torso and practically disappeared between his muscular arms. His musky cologne filled her nose. "Fast or slow?" he whispered in her ear.

Hermione flushed and forgot for a moment that they were on a broom. "Anything you want," she mumbled.

"Let's go slow. We want to be able to see the sights," he said.

"Yes, of course," she said. They followed the crewmen through the mountainside to the date location. Viktor sped up when he saw their destination, and Hermione swallowed so much air, she was coughing when they landed.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I love the rush." Hermione's eyes were watering, so she could barely see. Viktor helped her smooth out her hair, and then kissed her lightly on the temple. "You are beautiful," he said.

She coughed. "Really? You don't have to..."

"I mean it. Windblown hair is the sexiest, I think," said Viktor.

Hermione laughed. "Well, thank you. Let's eat."

Their lunch consisted of smoked salmon and some vegetables with wine. "Cheers, to finding love in Norway," said Viktor.

"Cheers," Hermione agreed. They clinked glasses and drank.

* * *

The boys were clearing out the kitchen of its beer. "We're going to have to get some more of this," Zach slurred. An owl paced back and forth by the glass sliding door where they sat. "Hey, check out this dumb bird," said Zach, pointing. "Bahaha. Stupid bird wants some beer too." He put down his glass and burped.

"Blimey, he's got a date card!" Justin said.

"Well, let the poor bugger in!" said Dean, stumbling over to slide the door open. The owl stretched out its neck for Dean to take the card, then with a hoot, flew away. "Alright, let's see what we've got here." Dean opened it. "Harry, Ron, Draco, Severus, Oliver, Marcus, Dudley, Colin, Seamus, Lee, Tom, Zach, Justin..." Dean's eyes bulged out. "I'm...I'm not on it! I'm..." He flipped over the card. "Oh, bloody hell. Dean. We dine in Valhalla. Hermione."

"Whose name wasn't on it?" asked Dudley, looking around. "She named everyone, right? So there isn't another one-on-one?"

"Ummm," said Neville, "my name wasn't on it."

DRACO CAM: "You've got to be f****** kidding me! I hope to gods he bores her to death on this date and goes home! He is such a snot-nosed git! Gods! I think I hate him more than Potter!"

"Wow, Neville! A group date rose, and now a one-on-one! Things must be getting serious," said Oliver.

In past weeks, that would have been a compliment, and everyone would have whooped and cheered. This week, however, the news was met with silence. Neville had a target on his back. He gulped down the rest of his beer.

* * *

"Hermione," said Viktor, "if you love the mountains, you will love Bulgaria."

"Oh, yes, I have not done nearly enough travelling," said Hermione. "In fact, this is the first time I've been outside of the United Kingdom."

"You're kidding," said Viktor. "I've been all over the world playing Quidditch."

"That sounds amazing!" said Hermione.

"The world is an amazing place," said Viktor. "However, I hate to admit, I am looking forward to the day that I can retire to a Bulgarian mountain cottage."

Hermione smiled and nodded. Her head swam with questions. Viktor continued to speak about Bulgaria, but she was lost in her own thoughts.

"You...you wouldn't consider moving to the United Kingdom, then?" Hermione finally asked.

"Huh? Oh," said Viktor. "Well, I mean, I can play Quidditch anywhere, I suppose. And one can travel. I am no stranger to travelling. You...you would not consider moving to Bulgaria, then?"

"I mean, not having ever been there, I suppose I can't really say," said Hermione. "But my friends and family and job are all in Britian. It would be difficult for me to do my job in another country, as each one has unique laws and systems."

"Ah, but you are so smart. I'm sure you could learn quickly," said Viktor. Seeing her unhappy face, he backtracked. "I mean, if you wanted. Look, if it is us at the end of this, then we will figure it out. I would be happy to move to London. But I love my home country."

"Yes, of course," said Hermione. "I wouldn't want to keep you from it."

"We would figure it out, together," said Viktor. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I am falling for you, Hermione. I can see you in my life. I guess I just always imagined you in Bulgaria with me. It is only natural. It is...it is my home."

Hermione stared down at the rose on the plate between them. She knew it was coming time to make a decision, but she wasn't ready. There were so many question marks with Viktor. "I'm...I'm just worried that if I give you this rose...and we keep going and fall in love...this will still keep us apart."

"So you don't want to give me the rose...because of what might happen later?" Viktor asked, confused.

"I want to give you the rose!" she protested, her eyes starting to fill with tears. "But I'm not confident that it's the right thing to do."

"If we are falling for each other, how can it not be right?" Viktor asked.

And then it hit her. She wasn't actually falling for Viktor. She was attracted to Viktor, but that wasn't enough anymore. She was looking for a husband, and her husband needed to be more than someone who was nice and very good looking. The thought of her moving to Bulgaria, or Viktor moving to London, was absurd, not because of the moving at all. It was because she couldn't actually see Viktor at the end of this. She couldn't see him in her life anywhere. That was why refusing him the rose was the right thing to do. It was also a much harder thing to say than, "I don't want to move to Bulgaria."

* * *

Dudley had drank all of the wizards under the table, so he had proudly retired to his room to sleep off his drunkenness. Viktor's bag was packed and sitting by the doorway. It was protocol for all men going on a one-on-one date to pack up before leaving in case they were sent home on their date. Of course, nobody was expecting Viktor Krum to go home. When a crewman came and removed the bag, Dudley thought nothing of it.

"Hey, where are you going with that?" Seamus asked as the man descended the stairs.

The crewman smiled. "Just doing my job, sir. Good luck to ya!" He took the bag out the door.

Seamus looked at Dean, whose jaw dropped. "Did...did that just happen?" asked Dean.

"Oh my gosh, they're eloping!" Seamus shouted. "Game over, boys!"

"No, you git, she sent Viktor home!" Dean cried, leaping out of the couch and staring out the window. "Look! There it goes!"

"SHE SENT VIKTOR HOME?!" Colin cried from the kitchen. "BLOODY HELL!"

The shockwave rippled throughout the house. The men all gathered to talk about how they couldn't believe Viktor was gone.

RON CAM: "Bloody hell! If she doesn't want Viktor, what does she want? What hope is there for the rest of us if _he's_ not good enough?"

TOM CAM: "I think it shows great maturity on her part that she sent Viktor home. It shows she knows what she wants, and she won't be swayed by just good looks. Huh. I might actually be interested in this woman now."

* * *

Bachelor Nation was also stunned by Hermione's decision, especially Cedric Diggory, for whom Viktor was his first choice to go all the way.

"Cedric, are you crying?" Cho asked.

"No," he said. "I just have something in my eye."

"Sorry you won't be meeting Viktor, Cedric," said Luna, patting him sympathetically on her shoulder.

"She is being rather stupid, though, isn't she?" Cho said. "She didn't even give him a chance! Is it too early to pick the next Bachelor?"

VIKTOR CAM: "While I am very saddened with Hermione's decision, I still have nothing but respect for her. She is a phenomenal woman, and she has some great guys back at the house." He sighed, and tears formed in his eyes. "It is very disappointing that Hermione couldn't see me in her life. I think we could have been great together. But, I am glad she sent me home before I had the chance to fall even deeper in love with her, if she knew she would not reciprocate. It will be good to be back home in Bulgaria. Goodbye, Hermione. Goodbye, Norway. Goodbye, Bachelors."

"Goodbye, you beautiful man," Cedric whispered into a tissue.

* * *

Everyone was more nervous than usual for the group date. Although it wasn't customary for men to go home on group dates, Hermione's willingness to send home a man they had all considered a frontrunner had them all doubting their relationship with her.

Neville saw them all off. They looked at him sympathetically. Yesterday they had all wanted to be him, but today, they were all happy to be safe on their cozy little group date.

"Hello, boys!" Hermione said.

"Hiiiii Hermione," the chorus replied.

"We will be taking the Floo to today's date," she said. "I hope you've all brushed up on your runes and your Norse mythology!"

"Uhhh, sure!" they replied politely.

ZACH CAM: "Crap. I'm still hungover from yesterday. Norse mythology? What even is this date?"

SEVERUS CAM: "I just love watching young people squirm in discomfort."

She ushered them through the Floo in her villa, which shouldn't have been exciting anymore considering they'd all been through there before, but since it was a new villa, they all looked around in wonder again. But the real wonder was what was awaiting them on the other side of the Floo. It was a great wooden building with a long table in the center. A whole pig was turning on a spit over a great fire pit.

"Welcome to Herot!" Hermione said with an excited flourish. "Anybody know what this is?"

"It's a mead hall," said Tom.

"That's right!" Hermione exclaimed. "Today we're going to have a traditional Viking meal, with real old-fashioned mead."

DEAN CAM: "Ohhhhh, coool...more booze..."

They all gathered around, and waiters and waitresses in Viking garb served them meats, cheeses, dried fruits and nuts, and very strong meads. When their guts were about to burst, Rita Skeeter appeared. Unlike Gilderoy, who had always worn the same white suit, Rita was dressed to theme.

"Hello, gentlemen! I hope you have all had your fill, because today you will fight like Vikings for some extra alone time with Hermione!" Rita announced.

The men were all drunk and sleepy from the food and drink, but the words "fight" and "Hermione" triggered something primal inside them, and they all shouted heartily in affirmation.

DUDLEY CAM: "Time to whoop some more wizard ass! Hell yeah!"

"But wait, Gentlemen," said Rita, "as you all know, Hermione was top of her graduating class. Hermione is looking for a man with intellect. This will be a battle of brains, not brawn. Please choose a partner."

The men were all pretty much seated beside their house bro, so partnering took very little time. The pairs were Harry and Ron, Draco and Marcus, Severus and Tom, Oliver and Lee, Seamus and Dean, Justin and Zach, and, by default, Colin and Dudley.

"I hope you all know your runes, because the first competition will be a rune decoding task. The team that is able to decode the message in their runes first will move on to the second round," said Rita. She waved her wand, and stone tablets appeared in front of each of the pairs. "Begin," she demanded.

Most of the teams just sat and stared in misery. Runes were not part of every school's required curriculum. Draco smiled smugly and yanked the tablet away from Marcus. "I got this in the bag," he whispered, but then he glanced over at Tom and Severus and scowled. Severus had produced a scroll and was already writing down possible translations while he and Tom debated among themselves.

ZACH CAM: "Well, this is fun. I don't think I've ever felt stupider in my entire life. Huh...this must be how Cormac felt, like, all the time."

"GOOD LOVE GLIDES EASILY AND SMOOTHLY AND PAYS IN TIME," Justin Finch-Fletchley called, standing up.

"Dude," said Zach, "how much did you drink? That's..."

"That's CORRECT!" Rita exclaimed. The Slytherins shot daggers at him with their eyes. "The Norwegian proverb 'Good loves glides easily and smoothly and pays in time,' or, as they say, ' _Bra kjærleik glir lett og sikkert og ber seg sidan.'_ Congratulations, Justin and Zach, you will move on to the next round."

"Alright!" Zach exclaimed, high-fiving his friend. Hermione applauded in approval, and Justin puffed his chest in pride.

JUSTIN CAM: "Learning runes is an essential part of any magical library sciences degree. I'm fluent in all ancient magical scripts. The Slytherins never stood a chance."

DEAN CAM: "Alright, alright, as much as that test was totally unfair, and I _need_ that time with Hermione, I can't help but be happy that Justin beat all them Slytherins. The look on their faces!" He clapped and laughed.

COLIN CAM: "Yep. I totally got a picture of that." He held a Polaroid of Draco's shocked and disgusted face to the camera. "That's going in the scrapbook. Hell, that's going viral."

LEE CAM: "All hail Justin Finch-Fletchley, the little Hufflepuff that could."

"The next round will be a Norse mythology trivia competition," said Rita.

"Bollocks," said Zach.

"Yes!" said Justin, pumping his fist.

"Can we just skip that and let Justin have his extra time?" Zach asked. "I won't beat him. All I know about Norse mythology comes from those American muggle movies about the group of superheroes."

"Justice League?" asked Justin.

"What? No, you git, not Justice League!" Zach scoffed.

"Ohhhh, the Avengers! That's some good muggle shit right there!" Lee interjected.

As the men argued on whether the Justice League or the Avengers were superior (Dudley, being the only muggle, insisted his opinion was law and that it was in fact the Justice League), Hermione consulted with Rita. Rita nodded. "Ahem," said Rita, "Hermione would like to extend the competition to one person from each partnership. Please come forward."

Justin shrugged and walked forward, followed by Draco, Oliver, Dean, Dudley, and Harry. Neither Harry nor Ron felt they stood a chance, but Harry was the better guesser. Severus and Tom were arguing.

"Severus, I could win this contest deaf," said Tom.

"Like how you won the rune contest blind? I don't think so," said Severus. "You are too arrogant, Tom."

"But we all know you don't actually stand a chance in this competition," said Tom, "so please kindly step aside."

"I will not," said Severus. "Hermione will marry you over my dead body."

"That could be arranged," said Tom.

"You know what?" Hermione intervened. "You can both compete. Screw the rules. Right, Rita? They can both compete."

"If that's what you want, Hermione," said Rita.

"Well, that's hardly fair," said Tom.

"Oh, come on, Tom," said Hermione. "Today is supposed to be fun."

"Maybe I don't consider putting on a spectacle for your affection fun," said Tom.

"Spectacle?" Hermione asked, taken aback. "What spectacle? We're having a trivia contest in a mead hall."

"This whole thing is a spectacle," said Tom.

"Well, if that's how you feel about it, why don't you just leave?" Hermione said.

Severus, with a confident stride, joined the other men who had gathered for the trivia contest. All eyes were on Tom and Hermione, whose conversation was getting more and more intense.

"I don't want to leave! I just wish we could skip to the part where we sit down and have meaningful conversation. Do you really need a Norse mythology contest to decide who you want to marry? Is that a criteria most girls use to pick a mate?" asked Tom.

"Okay, okay, I see your point," said Hermione. "But everyone is trying to have a good time right now, and you're kinda being an ass."

"OHHHHHHH!" the men said.

Tom narrowed his eyes at her. "Wow. And here I thought you had some class. My mistake."

"Oh, no, wait," Hermione said, tears welling up in her eyes. "I didn't mean that."

"Woah, hold on," said Ron. "Don't cry because of him. You're right. He _is_ being an ass!"

The men all clapped and gathered around Hermione in solidarity. Tom looked nervously at the group and backed away, trying to assess the situation. Severus made a special point to take Hermione in his arms.

"Well, don't just stand there like an idiot!" Draco taunted Tom. "Either apologize and play nice or get out of here!"

"Is that what you want, Hermione?" asked Tom.

"I don't know what I want! This whole situation is very confusing," said Hermione. "And I don't just mean today. I mean all of it. I am starting to form real feelings for all of you. Including you, Tom. And you're right. A lot of this stuff is starting to feel quite pointless. But I don't know what else to do but just go along with the show and see where it takes me."

"I see," said Tom. "Yes, quite right. I only reacted the way I did because I am frustrated too. I'm sorry, Hermione. Please continue with your game. I'll...play nice."

"Thank you," said Hermione, wiping away tears. "Rita? We're ready."

SEAMUS CAM: "That was a load of griffin shit! What kind of spell does this jerk have on Hermione that she's okay with how he treated her just now? Bloody hell!"

MARCUS CAM: "This is the first time I think we've seen Tom's real personality, and it's not very pretty. I think he's gonna pull a Blaise real soon."

SEVERUS CAM: "From living with Tom I've learned that he will do anything to save face. Nothing that he tells Hermione is genuine. Nothing he tells anyone is genuine. But the more I learn about him, the more I learn what buttons I can press to reveal his true nature. Hermione is not dumb. She will know the truth soon enough. I fear we all will."

"Okay, contestants. The rules are simple. I will ask you each a Norse mythology question. If you get it right, you stay in the game. If you get it wrong, you're out. Ready?" she asked.

"I guess," said Dean. The men laughed nervously.

"Then let's begin," said Rita. "Justin. Bragi was the god of what?"

"Poetry," Justin answered without missing a beat. The men clapped respectfully.

"Draco," said Rita, "which god was killed by a twig of mistletoe?"

"Easy," said Draco. "Balder." The Slytherins clapped.

"Oliver," said Rita, "Asgard was the home of the gods. What is Midgard?"

"This is Midgard. Midgard is Earth," Oliver answered. Cheers from the Gryffindors.

OLIVER CAM: "My kids love mythology. There are two things I know very well: Quidditch and random children's stories."

"Dean," said Rita, "what is the name of Asgard's Hall of Heroes?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh," said Dean, "Hero Land?"

"Wrong," said Rita.

"You sure? Ah, okay," said Dean. He returned to the bench beside Seamus.

"Dudley?" asked Rita.

"VALHALLA!" he exclaimed.

"You know shouting an answer doesn't make a right answer more right," said Rita. Everyone giggled.

DUDLEY CAM: "I knew something a wizard didn't know! Nanananana!"

"Harry," said Rita, "which day of the week is derived from the god of thunder?"

Harry rubbed his scar, wincing. "Thursday?" he asked.

"Good," said Rita. "Severus, the end of the world is called what in Norse mythology?"

"I believe that would be Ragnarok," said Severus.

"Very good! Only one out after round one. Justin, the Valkyries are the handmaidens of whom?"

"Odin," said Justin.

"Draco, what animals pulled Thor's chariot across the sky?"

Panic flashed across Draco's face. "Hippogriffs?"

"Wrong. Oliver?"

"Those would be goats, Rita," said Oliver.

"Correct," said Rita.

Draco pouted and sat down alone on the bench.

DRACO CAM: "Goats? GOATS!? The god of bloody thunder had flying goats?" He crossed his arms. "I hate mythology."

"Dudley, Vor was the goddess of what?" asked Rita.

Dudley's face contorted. "Cooking?"

"Wrong. Harry?"

"Healing?" asked Harry.

"Wrong again. This must be a toughy! Severus, do you know?"

"I believe that is Truth, Rita. Goddess of Truth."

"Correct! Dudley, Harry, you're eliminated."

DUDLEY CAM: "Who cares about the Goddess of Truth? What a dumb question!"

"Justin," said Rita, "Tyr was the god of what?"

"War," said Justin confidently.

"Oliver," said Rita, "what is Yggdrasil?"

"A tree," said Oliver.

"Correct," she said. "Severus, Skadi is the goddess of what?"

Severus paused. "Fire?"

"Incorrect. Justin?"

"Winter and the hunt," said Justin.

"Correct. I would have accepted either one. Alright, so we are down to just two: Justin and Oliver."

OLIVER CAM: "I honestly have been getting by with pretty easy questions. I'm definitely going to lose. But, if this makes me look good in the eyes of Hermione, then I'll take it."

"The next question is for Oliver," said Rita. "what is the collective term for a group of unicorns?"

OLIVER CAM: "This is hardly a mythology question. It's not just called a group? Why the hell is it not just called a group?"

"Uhhh," said Oliver, "a miracle?"

"Wrong," said Rita. "Justin, for the win?"

"A blessing," said Justin.

"Correct!" exclaimed Rita. "Justin Finch-Fletchley, you are the victor! You and Hermione will now enjoy a special treat together in the woods."

DRACO CAM: "Well, that was a waste of time. The egghead Hufflepuff still won. I'm so over this group date."

Hermione took Justin's hand, and a crewman ushered them out the mead hall. "Do you like _Beowulf_?" Justin asked.

"It's really not my favorite," Hermione replied. "Beowulf is kind of an ass."

"Yeah," Justin agreed with a chortled laugh. "But I just wondered, with the mead hall being called Herot."

"Oh wow," Hermione said, hanging her head. "I need to stop using that word."

"Okay, I have to say, in both instances, you absolutely used the correct word," said Justin.

Hermione laughed. "I'm sorry. I don't want to discuss other guys on our special time. Excuse me, sir, where exactly are we going?"

"It's a surprise," said the crewman.

"Of course," said Hermione.

"You seem stressed," said Justin.

"Do I?" Hermione asked. "That's an understatement."

"Yeah, I figured. I get it. The guys are all stressed too," said Justin.

"I know," she said. "I feel terrible."

"Don't," said Justin. "You're doing wonderfully."

"Was I too nice to Tom?" she asked. "Sorry, I don't want to talk about other guys, but I value your opinion. What did you make of all that back there?"

Justin shrugged. "I can't say I really know Tom. And not knowing Tom, and not knowing your relationship with him, I can't really say whether you did the right thing or not. You used the right word, though. I will vouch for that."

"That still doesn't make it right," said Hermione. "And in front of all of you, too! He must hate me."

"Well, if he hates you, then he should go home," said Justin. "I guess I wouldn't be surprised if he were one of those guys who have some ulterior motive in coming here."

"Why's that?" asked Hermione.

She didn't get an answer because they had arrived at their destination, a corral full of beautiful white unicorns. Rita was waiting for them. "Welcome to the Norwegian Unicorn Preserve," she said.

"Now I know why they call it a blessing," said Justin. Hermione leaned on his shoulder. Already, she was feeling better.

"Go on," said Rita. "They are friendly. Take some leaves, and the unicorns will come to you."

They broke off some branches from nearby bushes and poked them through the corral. Soon, unicorns came to visit them and munch on the leaves. When his leaves were gone, Justin stretched out his hand, and a unicorn placed his nose lovingly in Justin's palm.

"Awwwww," Hermione gushed.

"This one is real tame," said Justin. "Here, let go of that branch." Hermione allowed the two unicorns by her to carry the branch off, and Justin slowly removed his hand from his unicorn. "Just hold out your hand, and he should come to you." She did as she was told, but the unicorn backed away from her and trotted off back towards his herd. Hermione removed her hand and sighed. "It's okay," said Justin, rubbing her back reassuringly.

"Yeah," she said, although she couldn't help but feel it was some sort of omen that the unicorn wouldn't come to her.

* * *

"Hermione, can I talk to you?" Severus asked.

The alone time portion of their date had begun, and the men were wasting no time. "Sure, Severus," said Hermione. He took her hand and led her away form the group to a bench outside of Herot.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She sighed. "I'm still pretty flustered."

"I'm so sorry that happened," said Severus. "I feel I must warn you. Tom is not who he says he is."

Hermione hated when one person sucked up all of the attention on a date, but there was no avoiding it. The only way she could figure out her feelings would be in talking it over with trusted members of her suitors. The way they had all gathered around her when she was upset made her realize she actually had a great group of guys, and if one of them was ostracized, there had to be a reason.

"Okay," said Hermione. "Who is he, then?"

"I can't say for certain," said Severus. "But he's a liar, Hermione. Pathologically. I'm not sure he's ever said an honest thing since he arrived. It's all an act to get you on his side."

"So what's he actually here for, if that's true?" asked Hermione. "Fame? To be the next Bachelor?"

"Perhaps," said Severus. "I did catch him in a lie once. He didn't realize who he was talking to. You know I teach Potions at Slytherin."

"Yes, of course," said Hermione.

"I never had him as a student," said Severus.

"Okay...," said Hermione.

"He says he had Slughorn. Slughorn retired. That would put him at, at least, my age, if he had Slughorn," said Severus.

"But that's not possible," said Hermione.

"Unless he's using some sort of anti-aging magic, then no, it's not," said Severus.

"Okay," said Hermione. "Thank you. I've heard enough. I need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this."

"Be careful, Hermione," said Severus. He kissed her on the cheek. "I'll be near."

"Thank you, Severus," she said. She kissed him on the mouth for good measure, then left to retrieve Tom.

Tom was sitting apart from everyone else. Lee stood up upon her entering Herot, but she had to brush him off. "Tom?" she asked.

Tom gulped. "Yes, Hermione?"

"I need to talk to you. NOW," she declared.

"Yes, of course," he said. He passed Severus as the Potions Master re-entered the hall, and they locked eyes with each other. She took Tom's hand and lead him outside.

"I am sorry, Hermione," said Tom. "You must believe how truly sorry I am for my behavior earlier. I am so embarrassed that I let my emotions get the better of me. You must know that it is only because I care about you so much-"

"How old are you?" Hermione asked.

"Eh? I'm 23," said Tom.

"Bullshit," said Hermione. "How does Severus not know you if you're 23 and went to Slytherin?"

Tom sighed. "Oh, this again," said Tom. "Hermione, I am disappointed in you. You are holding the memory of an old man above my word?"

"He's not _that_ old!" Hermione protested. "And you're not answering the question."

"I had him, okay? He just doesn't remember me because I was very quiet," said Tom.

"So you didn't have Slughorn?" asked Hermione.

"Slughorn was my personal tutor. My parents were kinda nuts about my studies, so I had a personal tutor for every subject," said Tom. "Look, I'm a bit of a private person. I don't like to share much about myself with the other guys. They're on a need-to-know basis. You, though, I will not hold anything back from you."

He took her hand and kissed her. She melted into him. "I'm sorry, Tom," she whispered.

"But if you are going to take what we say about each other into consideration?" asked Tom.

"I trust you all," said Hermione. "So yes, I do care what you think about each other. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I can't help it."

"Then I'd like to put in a good word for someone," said Tom.

"Oh, okay!" said Hermione. "Wow, that is a change," said Hermione. "Usually people just throw each other under the bus."

"I'm not that kind of guy," said Tom. "I will say one bloke who has treated me with nothing but kindness is that Harry Potter."

"Harry, huh? Well, that's very nice to hear," said Hermione.

"In fact, if it were both me and Harry at the end, I would not be in the least disappointed. He is a stand-up fellow," said Tom.

Hermione laughed nervously. "Okay, Tom. I'll keep that in mind?"

"You do what you want, of course," said Tom. "But yes. That would be, I'm sure, quite the show."

"Okay, Tom," said Hermione. "Thank you."

* * *

She avoided the topic of Tom for the remainder of her conversations, but she did decide to give the group date rose to Harry, who accepted gratefully, despite the fact that his scar was killing him.

* * *

"Alright, Neville," said Neville to the mirror at himself. "Here goes nothing."

"Don't forget to pack your bags, Neville," said his roommate Colin.

Neville took a deep breath. "Yes, Colin, thank you."

"What do you think you're going to do?" asked Colin.

"The date card said, 'Love is like a river,'" said Neville. "I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I guess we're going to do something on a river."

"That would make sense, yes," said Colin. Neville put a bag of herbs into his pocket. "Woah! What is _that_ for?"

"If we're going to be on a boat," said Neville, "I'm going to get sick. But if I eat some of those leaves, it'll be fine."

"So you're going to eat leaves on your date with Hermione?" asked Colin.

"I guess, yeah," said Neville.

"Smooth," said Colin.

* * *

Hermione met him at the door in a casual dark green dress. She threw her arms around him when he exited the house.

"Hi there," said Neville. "It's so nice to see you so happy."

"Are you ready for our date?" asked Hermione.

"Of course," said Neville. "Where are we going?"

"There's a Portkey waiting for us just on the other side of those trees," said Hermione.

"Oh, so we're going far," said Neville.

"Not terribly," said Hermione. "I guess this was just the easiest way to do it. Let's go!"

HERMIONE CAM: "I really need this date to go well today. I have had two disaster dates this week, and so I am counting on this time with Neville to just relax."

The Portkey took them to a riverbank, and waiting for them was, as Neville had expected, a boat. The boat was a traditional dragon-headed longship.

"I knew it," said Neville. "I'm sorry, Hermione. I get terrible sea sickness. I'm going to have to take something for this."

"Oh, will you be okay?" asked Hermione. "We don't have to..."

Neville reached into his pocket, took out the bag of leaves, and consumed them. "Alright, I'll be fine now. Let's go!" He took her hand and lead her onto the ship.

They had wine and appetizers on the boat while traveling through the mountainous countryside. Neville explained the magical uses of some of the plants they were passing until Hermione interrupted him.

"Do you want to know where we're going?" Hermione asked.

"Huh? Oh, I figured this was the date," Neville said.

"Well, it is, but there's more," said Hermione.

"Oh, alright," said Neville. "Where are we going?"

"We're going to the ocean," said Hermione, "and we're going to try to catch fish, then cook them for dinner."

"Oh!" said Neville. "That sounds great!"

"You like to fish, then? Or to cook? I must confess I've not done much of either…"

"I love cooking," said Neville. "I'll teach you. I've been cooking since I was very young."

HERMIONE CAM: "My mom always chides me for not learning how to cook better. Finding a man who can cook, well, it's not the most important thing, but it would be nice!"

"Wow, that's great, Neville," said Hermione.

"Yeah," said Neville. "Gran made me learn. But I ended up liking it."

Neville talked about his grandma a lot. She knew he'd been raised by his grandmother, but she didn't know much beyond that. "Did you...I'm sorry for asking, but...did you know your parents at all?" she asked tentatively.

He looked off into the distance. "Yeah," he said. "I suppose you ought to know now. I'm not...I'm not ashamed of it, at all. Quite the opposite. It's just hard for me to discuss," he said. "You've heard of Bellatrix Lestrange?" She had. Marcus had said she was the scariest person alive. He'd said the Dementors in Azkaban barely affected her, as if she thrived on darkness. Hermione nodded. "My parents were Aurors," said Neville. "They fought with the Order in the war against the Death Eaters. And Lestrange, she..." He started to choke up. "She tortured them with the Cruciatus Curse."

"Oh, Neville," she said, putting her arm around him. "I'm so sorry."

"I still visit them," he said.

"Oh! So they're alive!" Hermione said.

"Yeah," he said. "They're not themselves anymore, though. They're at St. Mungo's."

Her heart broke. "Oh my gosh," she whispered. "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine." She thought of her parents back home, happy and safe. She started to get choked up herself.

"They were great wizards," said Neville. "They still are." They stood together, arms around each other. "Look, Hermione, the ocean!" he said.

She turned around and saw the shoreline opening up before them.

* * *

Marcus found a tattered journal lying on the bathroom floor. "Looks like someone was doing some reading on the toilet," he said, picking it up and flipping through it. "Huh," he said. "It's blank." He shrugged and pocketed it.

* * *

Neville and Hermione finally caught a fish after what felt like hours trying, and they had finally arrived at the cooking stage. Neville already knew how to clean the fish. Hermione mostly watched and drank wine. He instructed her how to prepare some vegetables while he cooked the fish. Finally, they were watching the sunset on the Norwegian sea and enjoying a meal together. The rose sat on the table.

"Neville, I'm constantly surprised by you," said Hermione.

"Uh-oh," he said.

"No, in a good way!" Hermione laughed. "This has been such a good day. I don't think you realize how much I needed this."

"Oh, I had an idea," said Neville. "I heard about the group date fiasco. And your first one-on-one, well, that freaked everyone out."

"Huh?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Neville. "You sent home Viktor freaking Krum! We all assumed he'd sail on through."

"Really?" she asked. "Why?"

"Because...he's Viktor freaking Krum!"

"That doesn't mean anything to me," said Hermione. "It never did. I need someone I felt comfortable with, and he wasn't it." She picked up the rose. "You, though. I feel _very_ comfortable with you."

He stared at the rose. "Okay..."

"So, Neville, will you accept this rose?"

"Of course," he said. They kissed. Hermione did not want the night to end.

* * *

"WHERE IS IT?!" Tom roared.

Severus looked up from his book, _Dark Wizards Throughout History._ "Yes, Tom? What's wrong?"

"You know bloody well what's wrong!" Tom yelled. "My diary! You stole my diary!"

Severus looked around, then chucked softly. "Sorry, Tom. I'm afraid I don't have the foggiest idea where your diary is."

"Like Hell you don't," Tom sneered. "ACCIO DIARY!"

"BLOODY HELL!" Marcus and Draco yelled from the next room.

The diary flew back to Tom's hand in an instant. Tom breathed in a sigh of relief.

"Goodness, Tom," said Severus. "It's just a diary."

"Yeah, well, I don't like people touching my things. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR SLYTHERINS!" Tom called, pounding on the wall separating him from Marcus and Draco.

Draco pounded back. "AHH, GO FUCK YOURSELF, WANKER! WE DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BLOODY BLANK DIARY! WE JUST FOUND THE DAMN THING IS ALL!"

"Merlin's beard, he's snapped," Marcus said.

Draco took his wand and repaired the burns from when the diary flew out of his hands. "It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"

Tom sat down in his bed and wrote in his diary, slowly rocking back and forth, muttering to himself. Severus tapped his iPod with his wand, and alt-J started to play. He put in earphones and turned to the chapter titled "He Who Must Not Be Named."

* * *

"NO COCKTAIL PARTY!" Seamus gasped. "But...but...!"

"Hermione's made up her mind," said Rita. "Please go directly in for the rose ceremony."

Harry and Neville shrugged. The other men murmured nervously, some of them cursing. They entered the ceremony space, and Hermione was standing alone wearing a red and gold dress. They swooned.

"Hello everyone," she said. "I know many of you were looking forward to the cocktail party, and I'm sorry. But I also don't want to waste anyone's time. I'd rather just do this now. So..." She picked up a rose. "Justin."

Justin breathed a sigh of relief, and accepted his rose. He was followed by Ron, Zach, Severus, Draco, Marcus, Lee, Seamus, Colin, Dean, and Oliver. Only Tom and Dudley remained.

"Gentlemen," Rita said, apparating back into the room, "this is the final rose tonight." She disappeared.

DUDLEY CAM: "Are wizards stupid or something? I can see it's the final rose. Just get on with it, already!"

LEE CAM: "Oh yes. Come on. Muggle pride! Muggle pride! Muggle pride!"

MARCUS CAM: "We're all staring at this rose, like, _please_ , rid us of this crazy person, but I just had a feeling she was going to say..."

"Tom," said Hermione.

Tom smiled smugly and strutted to claim his prize. The boys all looked at Dudley in disappointment.

RON CAM: "Dudley is not my favorite, don't get me wrong. He's obviously not the guy Hermione. But...given the choice between Dudley and Tom, we'd all take Dudley."

"Dudley, can we talk?" Hermione asked.

"Do we have to?" Dudley asked. "I get it. You don't want to marry a muggle."

"This isn't about you being a muggle. I enjoyed having you here," said Hermione. "It's just...we're not connecting like I'm connecting with others."

"Right, right," said Dudley. "It's a mistake," he said, "but whatever you want, Hermione. Well, everyone," he said turning to his housemates, "it's been nice knowing you. I won't remember you if I see you, so."

"Wait, what?" asked Colin.

Hermione sighed. "Since he's a muggle they're going to erase his memory," said Hermione.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because he's a muggle," said Tom. "He can't know about all of this."

"But he's known me his whole life," said Harry.

"Unfortunately," quipped Dudley.

"So what's the difference? Hermione's parents are muggles. They know what's going on," said Harry.

"We had to promise to erase his memory to bring him on the show," said Rita, stepping out of the shadows. "It's a legal matter."

"It's fine," said Dudley. "I accepted my fate when I came here. Thanks for trying to stick up for me, though. Hey, Rita, can you erase my memory of _that one_ too?" He pointed at Harry. "Just poof him off the family tree."

"There's the Dudley I know and love," said Harry. "Goodbye, cousin."

"Goodbye," said Dudley, waving to all of them. Hermione hugged him goodbye. When he did, he whispered, "Anyone but Tom."


	6. Chapter 6

"Ohhhhkay," said Luna, pulling out their poster of all Herminoe's suitors. "That last episode was a doozy. Are we all in agreement that Tom is out?"

"Booooo," said Cedric, and Cho flicked her wand. A big red "X" appeared over Tom's picture.

"Top picks? I've got Severus, Harry, and Neville," said Luna. Gold stars and pink hearts appeared over their pictures.

"Okay," said Cho. "I'm actually not going to argue about Severus this week. He's been really good for her recently, and to Harry. What are we thinking about Ron?"

"I'm on the fence about him," said Cedric. "Nice guy, but I just don't see him and Hermione getting married. I like Harry, and Dean, and Oliver."

"That's two votes for Harry," said Luna, flicking her wand. Harry's picture was covered with stars and hearts. "I'd really like to see a one-on-one with Dean or Oliver this week as well."

"Oliver was one of my top picks week one. I second Oliver," said Cho. More stars and hearts. "But I think she's going to go for Harry or Justin."

"Ahh, yes, the smart Hufflepuff," said Luna, flicking her wand. "Okay, we _all_ voted for Harry, guys." Harry's picture moved to the top of the board into a spot Luna had ironically labeled, "Mr. Granger."

"Shame about his scar, though," said Cedric. "He must really like Hermione to put up with that."

"I do hope he'll be alright," said Cho.

The show began. The trio immediately silenced and sat together on the couch.

HERMIONE CAM: "Last week was extremely difficult for many reasons. I want to put it all behind us and get back to really getting to know these men. I have some great dates planned that I'm really excited for. And we're travelling to a couple of new locations. So, goodbye Norway, and-"

"HELLO IRELAND!" Gilderoy Lockhart exclaimed as the men stepped out of the Floo.

"Gilderoy!" they gasped.

"Yes, indeed, I am back and...ummm...where am I?" Gilderoy asked.

The men laughed nervously. Rita Skeeter apparated onto the scene. "My apologies, gentlemen. We did an erasure of Gilderoy's memories of liking Hermione so he could return to the show. Apparently I am perceived as cold and bitchy...anyways, his memory does fade in and out sometimes, so just bear with him," she explained. "Gilderoy, this is _Ireland._ You're hosting _The Bachelorette_." She spoke to him like a child. He nodded and smiled.

"Yes, yes, yes, thank you. I think I have something I'm supposed to give them?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yes, Gilderoy. The date card. Give them the date card," said Rita, patting him on the shoulder.

"Right!" he said, shuffling through his suit pockets. "Ahh! Here it is!" He pulled the familiar white card out of his inside pocket. He turned it around so he could read it. "It says, SEE-mus. Who is SEE-mus?"

"SHAY-mus!" Seamus nearly squealed from excitement. "It's pronounced SHAY-mus! It's Irish!"

"Oh, right, you," said Gilderoy, handing Seamus the card. "You're still here, huh?"

Everyone giggled uncomfortably. Seamus stared at Gilderoy in disbelief. "Yes, Gilderoy. I'm still here."

"Huh," said Gilderoy. "Hey, Rita, where's Viktor Krum?"

"Ohhhkay," said Rita. "Obviously we've got some work to do. Let's go back to your trailer, alright, Gilderoy? Seamus, your date leaves in an hour. Good luck!"

They apparated out, and Seamus stared at his date card, still in disbelief.

"What's it say?" asked Dean.

"It says, 'Kiss me, I'm Irish,'" said Seamus. "Is Hermione Irish?"

"I think you're focusing on the wrong part of the date card there, buddy," said Dean.

DEAN CAM: "I have mixed feelings. Of course I'm happy for my bro here, but, damn! I want that freaking date!"

Hermione arrived in an hour as promised. She had on a casual brown dress and leggings. Seamus met in her a green polo and nice pair of jeans.

"Hi!" she said happily. "What do you think of Ireland so far?"

Seamus laughed. "I love it, obviously! I think you're gonna love it too."

Hermione facepalmed. "Ugh. I'm sorry. I forgot you lived here."

"Oh, I thought you were joking," said Seamus. "I kinda thought that's why you picked me for this date."

"No," she said. "I just picked you."

SEAMUS CAM: "Take that, Gilderoy Lockhart! She picked me!"

HERMIONE CAM: "My relationship with Seamus has progressed slower than some of the others. I'm really hoping we can go to the next level today. If not, I'm going to have a hard decision to make."

* * *

"Alright," said Marcus, "the pool is open!"

"I got two Galleons he goes home," said Draco.

"Three Galleons he goes home," said Tom.

"Hmmm," said Colin. "How shall I gamble today?"

"You've had a pretty good track record so far," said Marcus. "You've made some tough calls."

Colin had been the only one to put money on Krum going home. He stroked his beardless chin as he contemplated. "Well, on one hand, Seamus is a nice guy, and he's Gryffindor. She favors Gryffindors."

"Yeah, but he's not particularly smart," said Zach. "I got two on going home."

"Woah, woah, woah!" Dean cried, rushing in from the next room. "What are you doing?"

Marcus closed his ledger abruptly. "Nothing?"

Ron followed. "Oh, is the pool open? I got one on going home."

"WHAT?!" Dean exclaimed.

Marcus sighed. "Sit down, my friend. We need to talk."

"Seamus is not going home," said Dean. "That's crazy talk. Why do you all think he's going home?"

"I mean," said Colin. "Eh?"

"You've gotta face the fact that Seamus might go home, Dean," said Ron, patting him on the shoulder.

"But...why though?" Dean asked.

"Look," said Ron, sitting down with him, "Seamus is great. We all think he's great."

"Debatable," said Draco. Ron kicked him.

"But," Ron continued, "but, does Hermione think he's as great as you do?"

"Definitely not," said Draco. "Hey, they got Guinness up in this bitch?"

"Behold," said Zach, opening the fridge. Draco, Marcus, Colin and Tom peered in and cheered. "Muggle beer at its finest, lads," said Zach, passing the bottles around.

Dean opened it and drank absentmindedly. Finally he said, "Ten Galleons."

"Ten?" they all gasped.

"But not even Colin would-" Zach started. Dean put his finger in front of Zach's face.

"Ten. Galleons," Dean repeated. "Write it, Marcus."

Marcus took a long sip of his beer before recording Dean's bet in his ledger.

* * *

Seamus and Hermione took a Portkey to a train station, and they were off on a private tour of the Irish countryside.

"Have you been to the Blarney Stone?" Hermione asked him.

"I haven't," he replied.

"You haven't?" Hermione asked. "Oh, good. That's where we're going!"

"Oh, no way! I've always wanted to go there. It's funny. You live in a place, but you usually don't do all the touristy things in the place where you live, you know? So thanks, Hermione. I'm glad I get to share this with you," said Seamus.

"Me too," said Hermione. They held hands across the table. The waiter brought them some cheese and crackers and wine. "Oh, thank you!" Hermione said. She picked up the wine and proposed a toast.

Seamus clinked glasses with her, then took a small swallow. He made a face. "Why is it always wine on this show?" he asked.

"Right?!" Hermione said.

"You don't like it either?" Seamus confirmed.

"No!" said Hermione. "Thank you! You're the first to say it. I mean, I do like some wines, but this dry stuff is just not for me. I'd prefer a good butterbeer."

"Any beer, really," said Seamus. "I bet they're drinking Guinness back at the house."

"I'm jealous," said Hermione.

"Well, you should come over sometime," said Seamus.

"I...," Hermione started. "Huh. Maybe I should. They didn't say there was a rule against it."

"This show obviously has no rules," said Seamus. "You're the bachelorette. You should be able to do what you want."

"I should!" Hermione agreed. "Thank you!"

"And drink what you want!" Seamus added.

Hermione picked up a piece of cheese and raised it in the air. "Here, here!"

HERMIONE CAM: "Seamus is always thinking outside the box like that. He was the one who invited me into the carriage on night one. That's what makes him really stand out and makes me want to get to know him better."

The couple arrived at Blarney Castle. A muggle tour guide showed the couple around and provided them historical information before they went to the top of the castle where the Blarney Stone was kept. Here the tour guide left them.

"The gift of gab, eh?" said Seamus. He looked at the stone, then down through the safety bars at the ground below. "Well," he said, his stomach getting queasy, "ladies first."

"Okay," said Hermione. "Help me?"

Seamus held onto her as she effortlessly bent down and planted a kiss on the Blarney Stone. She popped back up happily and switched places with him, ready to assist in his endeavor.

Then a thought occurred to Seamus. Why were they kissing a stone instead of each other? He had been one of the slowest to kiss her, having only done so for the first time last week. He had lost time to make up for! So, after he kissed the stone, on his way back up, he reached out to embrace her, and they locked lips, and tumbled backwards onto the safety railings under the Blarney Stone.

"Uhhhh," Seamus said.

"Ow," Hermione moaned.

"Are you two alright?!" said a crewman.

"Uhhh...yeah, I think so," said Seamus. "Hermione?"

"I'm sore, but, I think I'm okay," said Hermione. Their heads were against the safety railing, and their legs were twisted around each other. The Blarney Stone was above their heads.

"Okay, we'll get you out," said the crewman. "Just stay put."

"No, I got it," said Seamus. "If we just move the stone, we can get up no problem," he said. He reached into his pocket and produced his wand. "Watch out, Hermione. Wingardium Leviosa!"

The Blarney Stone lifted out of place and hovered above them.

"Seamus, that's brilliant!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well," said Seamus, trying to be smooth, "it's a child's spell, really. Go on, ladies first."

With the help of the crewman, Hermione got back on the ledge. "Hurry, Seamus, before a muggle sees!"

"Right," he said. He struggled with balancing the stone and getting back on the ledge. All the color had drained from Hermione's face. "Hey, baby, it's alright. I'm alright," he said, putting his arm around her.

"One," Hermione said calmly, "please don't call me baby."

"Noted," said Seamus. "Sorry."

"Two," said Hermione, "look." She pointed to where the Blarney Stone typically sits. There was nothing there. The crewmen fell into a panic. They looked over the ledge, all over the top of the castle, and found nothing. "What did you do?" Hermione asked.

"Umm," was all he could say.

"What," Hermione repeated more sternly, "did. You. DO?!"

Seamus sighed still in disbelief. "Oh. I don't know. This kind of thing just happens to me sometimes."

"Where's the stone, Seamus?" Hermione asked.

"I...I don't know. Sometimes I accidentally teleport things."

"Okay," she asked, starting to breath very heavily. "Where did you teleport this NATIONAL LANDMARK too?"

"Well, that's the thing," said Seamus. "I don't always know."

"We got a deck of cards in our room," said Dean. "I'll go get it." Dean left the table occupied by Harry, Ron, Neville, Lee, and Oliver. He opened the door to his and Seamus's room and found a large block of limestone greeting him. Dean examined it. "What the?" he muttered. He prodded it with his wand cautiously, and, after determining the stone to be harmless, shrugged and retrieved the deck of cards. "Say," he said to his friends upon returning to the table, "did any of you blokes leave a big rock in our room?"

"A big rock?" asked Ron. "No, I haven't lost any big rocks recently. Have you, Harry?"

"You know who keeps rocks," said Lee. "Tom Riddle. I bet it's his rock."

"Bloody hell!" Dean exclaimed. "And I touched it, too!"

"Oh, you're probably cursed, mate," said Lee.

The boys laughed nervously. Slowly, they all scooted their chairs away from him.

"Oh, come on!" said Dean. "I ain't cursed. I don't feel cursed." He itched his nose. "Oh gods. I'm cursed! Oh gods oh gods..."

"Hold on," said Harry. "We ought to have Professor Snape look at the rock. If it's cursed, he'll know what to do with it."

"There's a sick part of me that wants it to be cursed," Ron whispered.

"Oh, some friend you are!" Dean spat.

"I mean, it would get You-Know-Who out of here, right?!" Ron exclaimed.

"Ugh, Ron, don't call him You-Know-Who. It sounds like you're talking about, well, You-Know-Who!" Oliver said.

"How much you wanna bet Snape finds a Dark Mark on it?" Lee asked. Oliver smacked him.

"This is silly. Why don't we just go to Tom and ask him if it's his rock?" Oliver asked.

"I ain't talking to him!" Dean exclaimed. "If he did put one of his rocks in my room, it can't be good!"

"I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for...erm...a random rock appearing in your room," said Oliver.

Dean coughed. "Oh gods. PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR SNAPE!" Dean jumped up from his chair and ascended the stairs again. The rest followed him.

Severus and Tom were both in their room, not talking to each other. Dean burst in with his wand drawn.

"What do you lot want?" Severus asked dryly.

Dean pointed his wand at Tom. "Did you put a rock in my room?"

Tom looked up from his diary. "Da fuck?"

"DON'T PLAY DUMB! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!" Tom shouted, pulling out his wand. "BUT I WILL NOW!"

"Hey now, that sounds like a threat!" Ron said, taking out his wand.

"I don't make threats. I make promises," said Tom coolly.

"Erm...Professor, if I may," said Harry. "It seems someone has put a rock in Dean and Seamus's room, and we're just worried it might be cursed is all."

"Oh, of course," said Tom. "So you just automatically assume it's me."

"Well?!" Dean said, pointing frantically to the seven rocks lined up on the window ledge.

"Sure, Potter, I'll look at the rock. Weasley, Thomas, put down your wands. You too, Riddle," said Severus. "Children, the lot of you," he scoffed as he pushed through the crowd of Gryffindors.

They all followed Severus to Dean and Seamus's room. Severus carefully levitated the rock and examined it. There was no Dark Mark to be found. Next, Severus subjected it to a series of other spells. The entire house was gathered around at this point. Marcus was taking bets on what the rock would do.

Finally, a crewman entered. "Hey, can we see that rock?" he asked.

"It's nothing remarkable," said Severus. "Not in the slightest. It's a perfectly ordinary rock."

The crewman measured the rock and nodded. He spoke into his wand, "We've got it. It's in the mansion."

"What is it?" asked Severus. "If we may be so bold as to ask."

"It's the Blarney Stone," said the crewman. "Seamus accidentally teleported it here."

"I WIN!" Colin shouted.

"Oh, SERIOUSLY?!"

While the men shouted at Colin, Dean followed the crewman out of the room. "Hey," he said. "Don't tell them you have the stone."

"What? Why not?" asked the crewman. "This is causing quite a stir. We had to block all muggle tourists from arriving at the castle and obliviate the tour guide."

"You can tell them. Just not Seamus and Hermione. I want to surprise them," said Dean.

"Hm," said the crewman, considering. "I'll have to consult the producers." The tip of his wand glowed, and he brought it to his lips. "Hey, Rita? I've got one of the contestants here, and he wants to personally deliver the Blarney Stone back. Is that alright?" The crewman nodded. "You can come with us."

Dean and the crewman carried the stone down the stairs and carefully apparated to Blarney Castle. Hermione and Seamus were enjoying a dinner.

"And then my dad said-" Seamus was saying. Hermione choked on her steak. "Oh, blimey! Are you alright?" Seamus asked. She pointed over Seamus's shoulder, and there was Dean and the crewman, carrying the Blarney Stone.

"Hey, guys," said Dean. "Lose something?"

"Oh, my, GODS!" Hermione finally said.

"Ohhh...I sent it to _you_!" Seamus said with relief.

"Where's this go?" Dean asked. A bevy of crewmen gathered around and ushered him to the place where the Blarney Stone is supposed to be. Magically, they repaired the castle.

"So, you're good friends with Dean, aren't you?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, yeah," said Seamus. "He's a fine bloke. A really fine bloke. Puts up with me well enough. As you can see, I'm a bit of a mess sometimes."

"Yeah," Hermione said nervously. "This was something."

Involuntarily, her eyes wandered over to Dean laughing with the crewmen. She imagined how this date would have went differently if she'd chosen Dean instead of Seamus. She wondered what they were all saying over there that was so damn funny.

"Hermione?" Seamus asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes, of course," said Hermione.

"Oh, that's so good to hear you say! I was worried I'd blown it today with the whole, you know, Blarney Stone caper," Seamus said. He glanced down at the rose expectantly.

Evidently Seamus had asked her something while she was lost in thought, and her response had made him very happy and confident. The whole incident with the stone had certainly overwhelmed her, and she wasn't any more sure of her feelings for Seamus now as she had when she started the day. But she knew how she felt about Dean. That had never been more clear to her.

"Hey, Seamus, what do you think of a change of scenery?" asked Hermione.

"Oh?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just, really want to get away from this castle," said Hermione. "It's too hard for me to figure out my feelings here when I'm just thinking about the stone."

"Oh, okay, yeah," said Seamus.

Dean walked back over. "Sorry to crash your date," he said. "They say I have to go home now, so..."

"Awww," both Seamus and Hermione said.

"Awww," Dean echoed. "You guys are too great. But you don't really want me third wheeling your date." He outstretched his arms to hug both of them before walking away with the crewman.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," said Seamus. "See ya later, mate."

A crewman approached them and said they could transition out of the castle and to the field behind the castle. There they could watch the sunset together over a couple of cold beers.

They sat down together on a rock. "To falling in love in Ireland," said Seamus. "Greatest country on Earth."

"Yeah," Hermione said absentmindedly. Seamus put his arm around her and started to initiate kisses. She returned them. Fireworks started to go off around them.

"Despite everything," said Seamus. "This has been one of the best days of my life."

Hermione's heart broke, and tears started falling out of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Seamus."

* * *

Seamus walked back into the mansion, and the Gryffindors cheered. Dean came to meet him with open arms, and then stopped. Seamus didn't have a rose.

"What...what's happening?" Dean asked.

"Friendzoned," Seamus said, trying to laugh.

"But," Dean stammered.

"She thought I deserved a chance to say goodbye," said Seamus, "since I had such good friends here." They all gathered around Seamus and raised their glasses to him as he collected his suitcase. On his way out the door, he said, "Hey, Dean?"

"Yea, Sea?" said Dean.

"Take good care of her for me," said Seamus.

"Will do, mate. Will do. See you in the real world," said Dean.

"But not too soon," said Seamus. "She likes you, man. She wouldn't say it, but I could see it, when you showed up. She changed."

"Shhh," whispered Dean, blushing. "Not in front of the guys. You'll put a target on my back."

"Get a room!" Marcus called from the kitchen. Seamus and Dean _had_ gotten unnaturally close to one another. Dean flipped Marcus the bird with one hand, and fist-bumped Seamus with the other.

"Oh yeah," said Seamus. "I'm supposed to give you guys this." He handed Dean a date card. "Goodbye, everyone!"

"Goodbye, Seamus!" they all called. And with that, Seamus took his leave.

"Alright," said Dean, "let's see what we've got here." He opened the card and read: "Harry, Ron, Draco, Severus, Neville, Tom, Marcus, Colin, Justin, Zach, Oliver, Lee. Ice, ice baby. Hermione."

"You got a one-on-one!" Colin pointed out.

Dean looked at the card again. "Oh yeah. Look at that! I got a one-on-one!"

DEAN CAM: "It's bittersweet to see my best mate leave tonight, but this kinda makes up for it. I mean, it really makes up for it. This is just what I needed!" He looked down at the group date card again, which he hadn't bothered to set down before going into the solo camera room. He noticed Oliver's name looked funny. He picked it up to examine it. It was subtle, but Oliver's name had obviously been written over a strip of white out. Dean knew he shouldn't, but he scratched at the white out. It flaked off easily beneath his fingernail. Sure enough, under Oliver's name, the card read, "Dean." Dean flushed. Hermione had switched out the names last minute. "No one can ever know this," he whispered to the cameraman. He tossed the date card into the fire. "I kinda wish I didn't know it."

* * *

The men had been instructed to bring bathing suits, so they were pretty sure they were going to the beach. They talked excitedly about Hermione in a bikini, so they were confused when she appeared in a parka.

"Hermione?" Zach asked. "You know this is a beach date, right?"

"Is it?" Hermione asked. She winked. "Follow me." They would follow her anywhere. She lead them into the woods, and there was a hatchet in a stump. It was obviously a Portkey. "Gentlemen, we are leaving Ireland today. Our group date takes place in Iceland."

Some of the men oohed and ahhhed, but many were confused. "What are we doing in Iceland in bathing suits?" Draco asked.

"You'll see," she said. She touched the Portkey. "Coming?" They all followed, and the place they found themselves in next was remarkable. It was a rocky landscape surrounded by snow capped mountains, and in the center was an array of steaming ponds and lakes. "Welcome to the Blue Lagoon," said Hermione. " _This_ is why we brought bathing suits, Draco. All of this water is volcanic hot springs." She took off her parka, and the much anticipated bikini was revealed. "Alright, boys, come on in, the water's fine!"

Some of the men were already wearing their swim trunks under their clothes and stripped right there. Others needed to be directed to changing stalls.

"So, what's the catch?" Tom asked.

"Catch?" Hermione asked, accepting a drink from a worker.

"You know," said Tom. "The contest. The challenge. How do I win extra time with you today, Hermione?"

"Oh," Hermione said with a laugh. "None of that today. I wanted a date where everyone could just relax."

Tom nodded respectfully. "I'll drink to that," he said. He flagged down the waiter. "One Parseltongue, please."

"What, sir?" the man asked, confused.

"They're muggles," Hermione whispered. "He means a Long Island Iced Tea."

"Oh, I've never heard it called that before," said the waiter. "Coming right up, sir."

* * *

"Hey, Marucs, look," said Draco, kicking at a pile of clothes. "Aren't these Tom's clothes?"

"I think so," said Marcus.

"Yeah, look, here's his diary," said Draco. He took the little book out of Tom's pants pockets and started to flip through it. "Weird. It's bloody blank."

"Yeah, come to think of it, it was blank when I found it in the bathroom that one day," said Marcus.

"But isn't he always writing in it?" asked Draco.

"Every time I poke my head in their room, yeah," said Marcus. "Must be enchanted ink or something."

"Hm," said Draco. "Well, here's to that, then." Draco chucked the diary into the nearest spring.

"That was unnecessary, man," said Marcus.

"He's unnecessary," said Draco. "I can't wait to watch him freak the fuck out."

* * *

Without any gimmicks, Hermione was able to catch up with all of the men for much more time than usual. She took each of them one by one to separate parts of the lagoon to talk and make out.

They got dressed for dinner inside the Blue Lagoon resort. Dinner was awkward. Despite it being such a good date, everyone was aware that she'd just made out with everyone at the table. She also hadn't a clue who she'd give the rose to. There was Tom, who was back to his usual calm and polite self. Then there was Harry, who was always a joy to talk to. Ron, who always made her laugh. Justin, who always had something interesting to talk about. Neville, who always made her feel happy and safe. She had had many great conversations today, and a few had fallen flat, but nobody was sweeping her off her feet either.

"Is there a Hermione Granger here?" asked a man who had approached the dinner table.

"Yes, that would be me," said Hermione.

"Excellent," said the man. "There's band here to perform for you."

A curtain in the dining hall opened to reveal a five-piece band, and the song "Mountain Sound" started to play. Hermione squealed.

"No way!" exclaimed Oliver. "It's Of Monsters and Men!"

"You know them?!" Hermione said.

"Hell yeah," said Oliver. "I like this mellow stuff after being out with the kids all day. Calms me down, ya know."

"Right," Hermione laughed.

"Say, you wanna dance?" Oliver asked.

"Sure!" Hermione said. He took her hand across the table and kissed it. The pair got out of their chairs and walked closer to the performers. He took her in his arms and rocked her back and forth.

She knew the appearance of the surprise concert meant the night was drawing to a close. She wasn't ready. She wanted more time with all of them. She sighed and laid her head on Oliver's shoulder.

"Do we have to go back to Ireland?" Oliver whispered.

"Unfortunately," Hermione said. Oliver twirled her, and then she was whisked away by Lee Jordan. Hermione spent about half a song with each of her suitors, all except for Severus, who thought dancing was frivolous and awkward.

She sat down with him and had an Old Merlin, known to muggles as an Old Fashioned, while the band finished their last song. "You hold your liquor well," Severus noted.

"I haven't been drinking as much as you think," Hermione confessed. "By the way, where is Tom? He's been downing Parseltongues, and you know why they call it a Parseltongue..."

"Makes you slur like a snake," Severus said with a nod. "Hm, that's interesting. I haven't seen him either."

"He's so quiet I just now realized that he isn't here," said Hermione. She flagged down a crewman. "Where's Tom?" she asked.

The crewman scratched his head. "I don't...oh, there he is!"

Tom was approaching the table, dripping wet. "Ummm...Tom?" Hermione asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," said Tom. "I dropped my clothes in the hot spring. I went in after them. If you'll excuse me, I'd like to dry off."

"Of course," said Hermione. "I'll save you some food."

"Mmm-hmmm," said Tom. He flapped his diary in the air, and water splattered over the dance floor.

When he'd gone, Severus said, "Don't bother about the food. He doesn't eat much."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"I mean just that. He doesn't eat much. I've seen him drink and eat only on occasion," said Severus. "He's gone days without eating."

"Okay, that's weird," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "Just when I think I'm starting to understand Tom, I learn something new that's just wrong. I was even seriously considering giving him the rose, but now I'm just not sure again. Why is this so hard?"

Hermione picked up the rose and went onto the dance floor, where the men weren't really dancing, but just standing around drinking and enjoying the music. She tapped Oliver on the shoulder. "Hey," she said. "Will you accept this rose?"

"Absolutely," he said, taking her in his arms and planting a kiss on her.

The other men muttered "Congratulations" and left them alone. The crew was rounding them up to take them to the Portkey, but Hermione hung back with Oliver. She and Oliver were able to stay longer and have a drink with the band. Then, they went out alone on the patio and watched the Northern Lights.

They realized they needed to go back when the crew started to fall asleep.

* * *

Dean woke up, showered, and got dressed. It was unusually quiet in their room. He heard the sounds of Harry and Ron laughing together next door.

The date card had said, "The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink, and someone to love you. -Brendan Behan." Dean didn't know who Brendan Behan was, but he had to agree with the sentiment.

Hermione was wearing a green shamrock t-shirt when she picked him up. She smiled broadly and jumped into his arms in greeting. "Hey," he said, "how are you?"

"I'm doing great," she said. She meant it. She was genuinely having a good week. Drama had been minimal. "Any ideas what we're going to do today on our date?"

"No," he said. "Where are we going?"

"We're going to Dublin," said Hermione, "and we're going to eat and drink at every pub we see."

"Are you serious?" asked Dean.

"Yeah!" she said. "We're going on a pub crawl!"

"Oh my gods," said Dean. "That is awesome!"

"Are you ready?" asked Hermione.

"Born ready," said Dean.

"There's a Portkey waiting for us," said Hermione. "Let's go!"

DEAN CAM: "What did I do to deserve this? I've got a smoking hot girl, and she comes to me and says she wants to eat and drink with me all day. Like, what?! That's insane! I'm literally on the best possible date with the best possible girl, and I can't believe it!"

The Portkey took Dean and Hermione to a Dublin alley. They started at a place called O'Donoghues where they ate breakfast.

"So do you spend a lot of your time in the muggle world?" asked Dean. "I noticed a lot of your dates are not magic related."

Hermione hadn't even noticed that was the trend this week. "Well, Ireland and Iceland are places I wanted to go when I was a little girl, before I knew I was a witch. Like, I loved the stories my parents told me about, you know, the Blarney Stone and such. So I guess that's what this week was about to me."

"And little Hermione always dreamed of a day of drinking and eating in Dublin, eh?" Dean teased.

"Haha! No, I guess, yeah, I do like to go to muggle places a lot. I mean, there aren't as many options for wizard-folk if you're going to exist strictly in the wizarding world. I don't want to go to the Leaky Cauldron every time I want to go out to eat, you know?"

"Right?! I couldn't agree more," said Dean. "I still prefer most muggle restaurants over wizard ones."

"It's like, there's a whole big beautiful world out there," said Hermione. "Some things can be magical just on their own. You don't need, you know, _actual magic_ all the time."

"Yeah," said Dean. "I totally get that. Pureblood families are weird as hell sometimes."

"So isolated," Hermione agreed.

They talked about their muggle families long after the check came and had been paid for by the producers. They moved onto the next pub, The Brazen Head, where they started to drink. They jumped from pub to pub afterward, sampling and sharing small plates and large drinks. Soon, it was midnight, and Hermione wasn't sure where she was apart from dancing in Dean's arms to some lively Irish folk music. A crewman had to pull them off the dance floor.

"Sorry, guys, we've gotta wrap this up," said the crewman.

"Oh, what?" asked Hermione. "Wait, I haven't even given him his rose yet!"

"We put it out with your chips," said the crewman.

"Oh," said Dean. "I forgot we ordered those." He walked over to their table and picked up the basket. "Hermione, will you accept these chips?"

"Of course I will!" Hermione squealed. "Oh, thank you!" She took the basket, ate a chip, then picked up the rose. "And will you, Dean, accept this rose?"

"Always," said Dean. They kissed, and the whole pub cheered. They handed the chips to another couple as they walked out arm in arm.

* * *

Hermione was confused. She was confident on those she was going to keep for certain, but she had questions about a few of the guys, so she called a cocktail party. The guys were thrilled, but also nervous, because many were unsure of where they currently stood with Hermione.

MARCUS CAM: "I bet against myself in the pool. I'm just not sure Hermione feels the same about me anymore."

DRACO CAM: "I'm pulling out all the stops today. She won't forget about me, that's for sure."

COLIN CAM: "Draco is becoming unbearable! I mean, like, more than usual. His insecurity is reaching a breaking point. Hermione needs to either take him on a date or send him packing immediately."

Hermione was beer pong partners with Lee Jordan. Zacharias Smith tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey, when you're done here, can I steal you away?"

"Of course," said Hermione. "We're losing anyways."

"We're not losing. We're getting ready for a comeback," Lee corrected her.

Harry tossed the ball and sank Hermione and Lee's last cup. Hermione hugged Lee before going away with Zach. They sat in a hanging bench together. Zach took her hand. "I'm glad you called this cocktail party," said Zach. "The guys are cool and all, but I didn't come here to play frat house, you know?"

"Right, yeah," said Hermione. "It was actually Seamus who gave me the idea to come here more often and hang with you guys."

"Oh yeah? That'd be really great," said Zach. "Seamus was a good guy."

"He was, yeah," said Hermione.

"So," said Zach, "what do you picture your life like after this?"

"Well," said Hermione, "I'm hopefully engaged."

"Of course," said Zach. "What kind of guy do you picture yourself with? You're obviously a very independent woman. Do you kinda see yourself 'wearing the pants' in the family, so to speak, or are you looking for someone more on your level?"

"Haha! Wow, that's a good question," said Hermione. "Yeah, I've been on my own for so long. I think it might be difficult for me to give up control. But I definitely don't want to be a boss at home either. I mean, I do that enough at work."

"Right, I gotcha," said Zach.

"So, what about you? Do you expect to 'wear the pants'?" Hermione asked.

"Good question, good question, I-" Zach stopped mid sentence, because Draco was standing beside them. "Can I help you?" Zach asked.

"Mind if I cut in?" Draco asked.

"Kinda," said Zach. "We're having a deep conversation here, man. Can you give me just a few more minutes?"

Draco sighed and turned around, then turned back to face them. "Why don't we ask what the lady thinks?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "The lady thinks she needs to talk to Zach right now, and then she'll find you."

"Fine," said Draco, walking away pouting. Draco bumped into Tom on the way out.

"Five," said Tom.

"I'm sorry?" asked Draco.

"You've stolen Miss Granger five times already today," said Tom. "Within one and a half hours. You've talked to her five times."

"Uh, so? Why are you keeping count?" asked Draco.

"Usually I would say this means you're confident. That you take what you want," said Tom.

"That's right," said Draco.

"But that's not the case here, is it, Draco?" Tom pressed. "Look, for example, at young Harry over there. You don't see Harry interrupting everyone. He's spoke with her once, and there he is, laughing and enjoying a beer with his friends."

"And that's why he's going to lose," said Draco.

"Lose?" asked Tom. "Are we playing a game, or are we dating the most eligible bachelorette in all wizardry?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "What's the difference, really?" Tom didn't reply, simply nodded and walked away. "Hey, hold on, you. What's your game?" Tom turned back to him and winked. Draco drew his wand. Everyone in the vicinity was watching them.

Gilderoy Lockhart apparated onto the scene clinking a champagne glass. "Time for the rose ceremony! Assemble in the hall, please!" He saw Draco's wand and frowned. "Put that away, Mr...erm...I forget the names."

"Draco Malfoy," said Draco, slipping his wand under his suit sleeve.

"Draco. Right. Heheh, sure am glad I didn't let slip what I was thinking! To the hall!"

The men gathered, and Hermione passed out roses. To everyone's dismay, both Draco and Tom received them, as well as Justin, Zach, Colin, Neville, Harry, Ron, Lee, and Severus. Marcus Flint was sent home.

MARCUS CAM: "It's been real. I definitely have no grudge against Hermione, and I trust she will make a good choice."

* * *

Gilderoy Lockhart sat in the one-on-one camera room with a mimosa. "I just can't remember anyone's name. So everyone has a nickname in my head."

"What's Draco's?" asked the cameraman.

"Who?" asked Gilderoy. The cameraman opened a binder and flipped to Draco's picture. He held it up for Gilderoy. "Oh, Bratty McBratface," said Gilderoy.

The cameraman turned to Harry's picture. "Scarface," said Gilderoy.

Ron. "Oh, I know him! That's Bill Weasley."

Neville. "I've never seen this person before in my life."

Snape. "Ew." But what do you call him? "Ew. Just Ew."

Oliver. "Mr. Quidditch Man."

Colin. "Paparazzi."

Lee. "Comic Relief."

Tom. "Psychopath."

Justin. "Smart Hufflepuff."

Zach. "Dumb Hufflepuff."

Dean. "Black Seamus."

Seamus? "White Dean. Obviously."


	7. Chapter 7

"ATTENTION BACHELOR NATION!" the television boomed. "This week's episode of THE BACHELORETTE is going to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. EPISODE. EVER! This is not a drill. We repeat. This is not a drill!"

"Oh my gods," Cedric groaned. "Staaaahhhhp it."

"That's right, Bachelor Nation, it's the episode that nearly ended Hermione's journey! Guaranteed to break the Internet, so you better be watching live, folks! THIS MONDAY AT 8!"

"Ohhh, now I'm listening!" said Cedric. "Hey, Cho! It's happening! It's finally happening!"

Cho poked her head in. "The Date from Hell?"

"It's gotta be," said Cedric.

"Oh shit," said Cho.

Halfway through filming Hermione's season, production had stopped indefinitely due to the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had appeared during a date on _The Bachelorette_ , the _Prophet_ said. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did this because, of course, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was a contestant on the show. There were many theories floating around online as to how this had happened. The most popular theory asserted that Draco Malfoy, son of the prominent Death Eaters, had aided him.

Hermione had to go to extensive therapy during the hiatus in filming. She didn't tell Cho and Luna much else except that the headlines were true, and she referred to that date as The Date from Hell. The Order of the Phoenix had sued the MBBC for reparations to the contestants, especially Harry Potter. Harry had dismissed the charges.

"So they're really gonna air it," said Cedric.

"Not all of it, she said," said Cho. "She said the episode would just abruptly end, and then Gilderoy would be making a statement."

"Right, makes sense," said Cedric. "I hear they have footage of him, though."

Cho shuddered.

 *****MONDAY AT 8*****

Instead of opening with a Hermione spot, or a spot of the guys in the house, Rita Skeeter opened the episode.

"Hello viewers. As I'm sure you are aware, an incident occurred on our set involving the alleged return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. After negotiations with the Ministry and the Order of the Phoenix, we have decided to air the events of the week leading up to the incident so as to dispel all false rumors about our contestants. Of course, we of the MBBC take the safety of our contestants very seriously. After Ministry investigations, it was determined that the Imperius Curse was to blame for the security oversights. The Ministry and the target of the attack, Harry Potter, have cleared the MBBC of all blame on the grounds that reasonable security measures were futile against such dark magic. Following this episode, we hope you will join us for a panel with Hermione Granger and the contestants involved to hear their side of the story. While we will not be airing any of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's attack, but please be advised that the man claiming to be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named does appear on screen. Viewer discretion is advised."

* * *

The bachelors stepped out of the Floo into their new digs in a new location. Gilderoy Lockhart greeted them, for the first time forgoing his white suit in favor of a white traditional Chinese men's robe. "Ni hao, bachelors!" Gilderoy exclaimed.

"Ni hao," said Justin. "Are we in...?"

"Welcome to Shanghai, China!" Gilderoy said with a bow. The men looked about the mansion which was decked out in traditional Chinese flair.

RON CAM: "Blimey! China! I never thought I'd be here!"

"We're a little over halfway through this journey, bachelors," said Gilderoy. "Congratulations on making it this far! You're here because Hermione sees a potential future with you. What kind of future with some of you, god only knows...erm, anyways, there will be a whopping four dates this week! Two one-on-one dates, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date! If you're on the two-on-one date, and you don't receive the rose, then you will be going home immediately. There will be roses up for grabs on the other dates as well. Good luck, gentlemen, and here is your first date card!"

He handed the card to Oliver, who was nearest, and then Gilderoy apparated away. Oliver opened the card. "Lee," he said, "To the moon and back. Hermione."

Lee screamed like a girl.

LEE CAM: "I'm so excited! I'm in China, I've finally got a one-on-one, and I'm NOT ON THE TWO-ON-ONE! Wooohooo!"

HERMIONE CAM: "Lee is just too much fun. I've honestly almost let him go a couple of times, but I just can't. I enjoy his company too much. I do hope that on this date today I can dig beneath the surface and get to his serious side. But, I know I'm going to have a great time either way."

Hermione picked up Lee and invited him into her cottage nearby to use the Floo.

"We aren't leaving China, I hope," Lee said.

"No," said Hermione. "I have no plans of leaving the host country this week."

"Good," said Lee. "Everyone is stoked to be here. A lot of us have traveled around Europe, but China is something else entirely."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking when I picked it," said Hermione. "Also, this date today is something I've been wanting to do for a long time."

"Oh yeah?" asked Lee. "What is it? Where are we going?"

"Step into the Floo, and you'll see," Hermione teased.

"Alright," said Lee, "but first, if I may..." Lee put his arms around her and kissed her.

HERMIONE CAM: "Full disclosure. Lee is one of the best kissers here. Probably another reason I can't seriously imagine letting him go."

After the snogging, they stepped into the Floo. They emerged in a small wizard cafe. "Alright!" Lee said. "Authentic Chinese food! I'm down!"

"Haha," said Hermione. "This isn't the main event, but it is a perk. Join me for lunch?"

"Of course, milady," said Lee, taking her arm. A short lady directed them to a table for two where some rice and dumplings were already set out for them. They thanked her and began to eat.

"So, what do you think?" Hermione asked.

"I think I prefer the fake stuff you get in Britain, honestly," said Lee. "And I'm mildly disappointed with this cafe."

"Why's that?" asked Hermione.

"I dunno. I guess when I think of Asian wizardry, I think of people flying through the air and shooting lasers out of their wands and carrying little yellow electric mouse things."

Hermione nearly choked on a dumpling. "Ummm...WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry, is anime not documentaries? I could have sworn they were documentaries," said Lee.

"Oh gods," she said. "First of all, anime is from Japan. We're in China. Second, please tell me you're joking."

"Of course I'm joking," said Lee. "Not about loving anime though."

"Alright," said Hermione. "I must say I'm unfamiliar."

"You knew enough to know it was from Japan though," said Lee with a wink.

"I was a muggle in the 90s. I knew about Pokemon," said Hermione.

"Alright!" said Lee. "So, are you gonna tell me what we're doing today or what?"

"Okay," said Hermione. "We're going into space."

"Okay, now who's joking?" said Lee.

"I'm not!" said Hermione. "There's a witch in this village who makes these bubbles that can safely carry you up above the clouds. Not space, exactly, but you're supposed to be able to see the curvature of the Earth."

"Woah, are you serious?" asked Lee. "That's wicked."

"Yeah!" said Hermione. "I could hardly believe it myself, but I asked Rita, and she said it wasn't a problem."

"So this was a custom-ordered date," said Lee.

"Yeah, it was," said Hermione. "Not all of them are. But this one was."

"So, if you don't mind me asking, why'd you pick me?" asked Lee.

"Oh, do you have a complaint?" Hermione teased.

"Of course not!" Lee said. "I'm just curious."

"Alright, Lee Jordan. Full disclosure, I have been unsure if I can have a serious relationship with you. But something inside me says I need to keep you around. I never have a bad time with you. You don't do drama. You're always happy, and that makes me happy," said Hermione.

"Interesting," said Lee. "What makes you think you can't get serious with me?"

"Well, because you're so rarely serious," said Hermione.

"Oh, alright," said Lee. "Interesting. I'll have to work on that then."

LEE CAM: "I'm not sure what I was expecting by asking that question, but that wasn't it. I dunno. Not serious enough? Hmmm..."

"Well, I don't want you to change!" Hermione clarified. "I guess my goal today is dig deeper into what makes Lee Jordan, Lee Jordan."

"Alright," said Lee. "I'm an open book, Hermione. Whatever you want to know, ask away. I won't hold anything back today."

"I'll hold you to that," said Hermione.

He couldn't resist following up with, "You can hold me as much as you want, baby."

They finished lunch and started walking through the village to the bubble witch. Along the way, Hermione and Lee took turns asking questions of each other. Maybe it was a childish game, but it was working. Hermione felt closer to Lee than ever before.

They came to the edge of the village. They couldn't read the writing on the sign, but there was a picture of a bubble with two stick figures inside it, so they deduced this was the place. Also, it was already prepped with cameras.

The bubble witch looked as if she'd seen better days. She was quite old, and her bright pink flower-embroidered dress only served to make her look older. She didn't speak English, so a translator informed Hermione and Lee of the process. They had to go outside, she said. Once they were the proper distance from the village, the bubble witch would cast the charm about them, and they would begin to float. They needn't do anything while inside the bubble besides enjoy the scenery. The bubble would naturally float back down when it reached its peak.

Hermione and Lee held hands as the charm was cast. The bubble had a pale blue cast to it, but not enough to intervene much with the view. On the witch's command, the bubble began to rise.

"Oh gods," Lee said, latching onto Hermione. It was quite a sensation. The bubble was very thin, and it felt very unstable. It literally felt like walking in the air. Soon, the bubble witch looked like an ant beneath them. The village looked like it was part of a miniature train track. Soon, it was just one speck. Hermione and Lee saw mountains in the distance to one side of them. On the other, they could see rivers. Other cities came into view, and soon, they saw the Pacific ocean.

"Oh my gosh, look," said Hermione. "Is that Japan?"

"It is," said Lee, "and look! There's Goku!"

"Who?" asked Hermione with a laugh.

"Ugh, okay," said Lee. "I'll teach you one day."

"I do see something though," said Hermione. "The curvature of the Earth."

Lee put his arm around Hermione, and they looked out over the world and kissed. Then, the bubble began to drop.

"Ohh, that's unfortunate. I could stay up here forever," said Lee. "Well, at least a little while longer. Until I had to pee or something."

"So romantic," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Sorry," said Lee. "Hey, does your stomach feel a little funny?"

"The sensation is unusual," Hermione admitted.

"Uhhh, Hermione," Lee said, clutching his stomach. "I think I have an 'or something' coming on."

"Oh no," said Hermione. "She didn't say what to do if this happened, did she?"

"Who knows?" Lee asked. "I couldn't understand what she was saying, could you?"

"No," Hermione said. Lee was turning green. "Oh gods. Just breathe. Relax. You'll be fine. Everything will be fine."

"BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Vomit splattered on Lee's side of the bubble. Hermione had been prepared enough to cast a barrier that protected her and Lee, but now the barf was dripping down the side of the bubble and collecting in a little pool at their feet.

"Oh my gods," Lee breathed. "I am _sooooooooo_ sorry!"

"It's fine," she said weakly, sealing the vomit in a little pocket on the bubble floor. Unfortunately it didn't seal the smell. "It's not your fault. You couldn't help it." Some of it had gotten on their shoes. It was unavoidable.

The bubble landed, and the bubble witch shook her head and muttered something in Chinese when she saw the vomit. She released them and just let the vomit settle into the grass.

"We're being judged so hard," said Lee.

"Oh, come on," said Hermione. "This can't be the first time that's happened."

They found a bench where they could recover. The crew brought them crackers and fizzy pop to settle their stomachs, and a rose.

"Well, Lee," said Hermione. "This is certainly a date I will never forget."

"Yeah," he said. "I'm really sorry."

"Well, not everything is going to be all sparkly and romantic all the time," said Hermione. "I'm still glad we did it, and that I brought you. So Lee..." She picked up the rose. "...Will you accept this rose?"

Lee's eyes bugged out. "Abso-freaking-lutely!" He took it, and they went in to kiss, but then decided against it for obvious reasons. The couple held hands and laughed all the way back to the Floo.

* * *

Justin was trying to teach Zach how to play Mahjong when an owl tapped on the window. "A date card?" Zach asked. He got up to let the owl in and accepted the card.

ZACH CAM: "I'm way past due for a date. I feel like Hermione and I have the foundation, but if I don't get some quality one-on-one time soon, then I'm in danger of getting sent home. Justin and I are the only guys left in the house who haven't gotten a rose for anything. I know she and Justin have a lot in common on the surface, but I'm hoping Hermione can look past that and see what I bring to the table."

Zach opened the card and looked at his friend. "Justin," he said, "It's a beau-tea-ful day for a date. Hermione."

Justin beamed. "Please tell me that's a pun."

Zach handed him the card. "Yeah," he said. "It's a pun."

JUSTIN CAM: "Hermione is unlike any woman I've ever met. I've been waiting a long time for this date, but I'm sure it's going to be worth the wait!"

Lee came home with his rose, and the men congratulated him politely. Any guy who came back from a one-on-one with a rose was threatening. Zach avoided the obligatory post-date storytelling to grab a drink from the fridge. Colin followed him.

"Hey, Colin," said Zach, "can I run something by you?"

"Okay," said Colin. Colin was also feeling a little down on his luck. Although he had received a group date rose once, it was from the group date where Hermione had been preoccupied with Gilderoy drama, and Colin wasn't as confident in it anymore.

"I think I'm going to talk to Hermione tonight," said Zach.

"Talk to her? About what?" asked Colin.

"About us. About where we stand," said Zach. "I'm tired of just hanging around with no validation. Like what am I here for?"

"I hear ya," said Colin. "I brought this scrapbook to fill with pictures, and it's just group date pictures. I have all these pages saved for one-on-ones."

"That's what I'm saying," said Zach. "I feel like I'm just waiting my turn to go home. I'm giving all I've got every time I see her, and I get nothing back."

"Hey, guys," said Oliver. "Couldn't help but overhear. Are you saying you're going to personally go to Hermione's place and talk to her about this?"

"I really think I am," said Zach.

Ron walked in. "That's like asking to be sent home, mate," said Ron.

"I kinda am," said Zach. "If she doesn't see a future with me, she should just send me home."

"But isn't the point of the roses that she does, at that moment at least, want to keep you around?" asked Colin.

"Well, I want more than a moment," said Zach.

"Oh, just let him go," Draco interjected. "If he's going to self-destruct, just let him self-destruct."

Zach seethed. "This is what _really_ pisses me off," he said. "The fact that I'm here giving it my all, and this git just turns on the charm with her each week, and is nothing but a freaking arse-hole with us. I'm here for the right reasons. You're here to play a game."

"Love is a game," said Draco. "And you can't win if you don't play the game."

"Hermione deserves so much better than you!" Zach snapped. Ron and Oliver held Zach back, and Severus put a firm hand on Draco. They separated. Zach packed his bags before going to Hermione's.

"You're sure about this?" Justin asked.

"I am," said Zach. "I can't go on like this. I have to know."

"Alright, man," said Justin. "Good luck. Hope this isn't the end for you."

"And if it is, take good care of her," said Zach.

Zach left. A crewman directed him to Hermione's, which the promise of drama compelled him to do. Zach knocked on Hermine's door. She answered.

"Hello?" she asked. "Oh, Zach, hi."

"Hey," he said. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," she said, aware from the tension in the air that this was not going to be an easy conversation. Zach stepped gingerly through the door, followed by the crewmen. She motioned for him to take a seat, and he obliged. Crookshanks was sitting on the couch. The cat sniffed Zach, determined he was uninteresting, and wandered over to Hermione's lap on the opposite end of the couch.

"Is there anyone he trusts besides you?" Zach asked.

"Not really, no," said Hermione. "So, what brings you here, Zach?"

"Well, I wanted to talk about us," said Zach.

"Okay," said Hermione.

"Do you see us together at the end of this?" Zach asked.

"I...I don't know," said Hermione. "I don't know who I'm going to be with at the end of this. I'm trying to figure it out."

"Realistically though," Zach pressed. "I realize a lot can change in the, what, eight weeks left?"

"Something like that," Hermione said. "Oh my gods. Eight weeks."

"Right, so, I realize a lot can change in eight weeks," said Zach. "But I'm obviously behind the other guys. I've never gotten a rose for anything besides the main rose ceremony. I'm wondering if it's possible for me to catch up at this point."

Hermione sighed in frustration. "Unfortunately I get a limited number of dates and a limited number of roses on these dates."

"Yeah, but, to _never_ give me one?" Zach asked. "I feel like I'm putting myself out there, every time-"

"You are," said Hermione. "I recognize that."

"But it's never enough," said Zach. "There's always someone better. And I feel like I'm just waiting my turn to go home."

"Zach," Hermione said, "I haven't even had one-on-one dates with everyone yet. I'm going to. I promise that if you stick around, we'll have that one-on-one time together. Zach, if I thought there was no possible way we could be together at the end of this, I would have sent you home already."

"So you want me to stay?" Zach asked.

"Of course I do," said Hermione. "You're kind, and you're fun, and you're handsome."

"It's nice to hear that," said Zach.

"Well, I'm glad you stopped by," said Hermione. "I know it must be frustrating. But everyone who is here is here for a reason."

They kissed.

ZACH CAM: "Well, I guess that's the best I could have asked for. I understand she can't have one-on-one dates with everyone. Still, there are people here who are wasting everyone's time, people like Malfoy and Riddle. But I didn't want to ruin our time together by bringing them into it."

HERMIONE CAM: "I'm sure Zach is not the only one feeling this way, and it was very brave of him to come over here and talk to me about it. I think that this experience actually brought us closer. The fact that he feels comfortable opening up to me says a lot about our relationship."

Some of the guys were surprised to see Zach back, but they soon forgot about his little outburst. The next morning was Justin's date. Hermione picked him up shortly after breakfast. She was wearing a black flower print dress, and her hair was drawn back in a bun.

"Hello," said Justin. "You look gorgeous."

"Thank you," she said, taking his hand. "Want to know where we are going today?"

"Of course," he said.

She took him to a Portkey, a broken teacup. "We're going to sample some of the finest tea in China," she said.

"Alright, let's do it," said Justin. They took the Portkey, and it brought them to a tea farm.

"Hello!" said a Chinese man. Hermione was relieved to hear that their guide today spoke English. "I am Chaun. Welcome to Nongchang Tea Farm."

"Hi," said Justin, sticking out his hand to greet Chaun. "I'm Justin."

"Justin," Chaun repeated. "And you must be Hermione?"

"Yes," she said, shaking his hand. Justin put his arm around her.

Chaun took them on a tour of the farm before leading them into the tea house. Here they were given a private tea tasting, paired with various Chinese desserts. Afterwards, they went to a botanical garden. Justin enjoyed reading the inscriptions on the plaques and telling Hermione stories about the various symbols and statues in the garden.

HERMIONE CAM: "These two one-on-one dates have been drastically different. I've been very attracted to Justin's calm nature. It would be nice to see him break out a little more, though."

"Hey, Justin?" she asked. "Would you like to go dancing?"

"Dancing?" Justin asked.

"Dancing?" the crew whispered. There was nothing in the date plans about dancing.

"Like Chinese folk dancing?" he pressed. "I do know some of that. Do you?"

She was tempted to take him up on that, but it wasn't what she meant. "No, I mean dancing. Like in a club or something."

The suggestion obviously made him uncomfortable. "Is that what we are doing next?" Justin asked.

Hermione looked at the crew. What they were supposed to do next was take a little boat ride on the lake and eat dinner. But she knew she wouldn't get what she needed out of Justin that way. So she said, "Can we go to a club?"

The crew started scrambling. Finally, someone said, "We can arrange a Portkey to Hong Kong."

"Awesome!" Hermione said. "Thanks! You guys are the best!"

"Oh, um, I'd rather not," said Justin.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I, um, can't dance," he said.

"Can't dance?" she asked. "Nonsense. Everyone can dance. Maybe not well, but, heck, you'll be fine with me. We'll be dorks together."

JUSTIN CAM: "I hate everything about clubs. The loud music. The obnoxious people. But, I like Hermione. So, if she wants to go to a club, then I will go to a club."

"Okay," he said.

"Okay?"

"Okay," he repeated. "Let's go."

The Portkey was ready, and Justin and Hermione left for Hong Kong. More specifically, they had been teleported directly inside of a club. Beautiful people of all races filled the dance floor, on which there was very little space. The dubstep music rattled their bones. She took Justin's hand and lead him into a teensy little space on the floor. He was already sweating.

"Would you like a drink?" she asked him.

"What?" he responded.

She leaned in closer to his ear. "WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?"

"OKAY," he shouted back. She took his hand again and dragged him to the bar. After about five minutes, they got served. Two "Parseltongues."

They returned to the dance floor. Justin's dancing was limited to bobbing back and forth, which was just about as much as they had room for anyways. "ARE YOU HAVING FUN?" Hermione asked.

He took a giant sip of the Parseltongue. "I FEEL UNDERDRESSED."

It _was_ a pretty high-end club they'd been transported too. "WHO CARES? NOBODY IS LOOKING AT US."

That was true too. He nodded. "THIS DRINK IS STRONG."

"IT'S A PARSELTONGUE," she said.

"A WHAT?!"

"A PARSELTONGUE!"

"I LIKE IT," he said. "I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE."

"REALLY?!"

"YEAH, I DON'T REALLY DRINK MUCH."

"OH," she said. "I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK I'M A LUSH."

"A WHAT?!"

"A LUSH! SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS DRUNK!"

"OH NO. IT'S FINE. THIS SHOW PUSHES ALCOHOL ON YOU SO THAT WE DON'T FEEL AWKWARD ABOUT ALL THE CAMERAS."

"RIGHT!" Hermione said. "SO WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO COME ON THIS SHOW?"

"HUH?!"

Oh, for Merlin's sake. "YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW."

"OH HAHA. I DIDN'T. MY FRIENDS NOMINATED ME."

"ME TOO! THAT'S HILARIOUS!"

"I WAS EITHER GOING TO COME HERE OR GET ANOTHER CAT!"

"ME TOO!"

"THAT'S AWESOME!" Justin said. Then he started kissing her abruptly. They made their way off the dance floor into an empty booth. "Oh, thank goodness. I can stop shouting."

"Yeah, sorry," said Hermione. Justin was drenched in sweat, and naturally, Hermione also had his sweat on her. "I'm glad we came though."

"Me too," he said. "This is different. I couldn't imagine I'd have a good time here with anyone who wasn't you."

Hermione's heart melted. Gilderoy Lockhart appeared carrying a bottle of champagne. "Champagne on the house for the happy couple?"

"Uhhh," Hermione said. She looked at Justin, whose cheeks were rosy from the Parseltongue. "I think we've had enough alcohol today, thanks, Gilderoy."

"Okay," he said. "Then I'll leave you with this, then." He dropped off the rose and apparated away.

She picked it up. "Justin," she said, "the more time I spend with you, the happier I am that you're here. I'm falling for you. Will you accept this rose?"

"Of course," he said.

HERMIONE CAM: "Did I say 'I'm falling for you'? I meant to say, 'I can see myself falling for you.' Those aren't terribly different, though, right?" She sighed. "Oh, Parseltongue!"

* * *

Harry opened the window and retrieved the group date card from the owl. Everyone gathered eagerly to hear it, because whoever wasn't listed on this date card would be on the two-on-one. He opened it and read, "Ron, Dean, Severus, Harry, Oliver, Neville, Colin, Zach. Let's put our love to the test. Hermione."

"Ohhhhhhhhh shit!" Lee blurted. Everyone's eyes traveled to Draco and Tom.

"Well well well," said Draco. "A Slytherin smackdown."

"I'm sorry, Draco," said Tom. "It was nice knowing you."

"Psh," said Draco. "No it's not. Don't be fake, dude."

DRACO CAM: "This is not even a contest. I'm going to win. I have to. Tom is not here for the right reasons. He's caused a bunch of drama in the house. I can't wait to see the look on his face when Hermione gives me this rose."

TOM CAM: "I will do whatever it takes to stay on this show. Whatever. It. Takes. This brat doesn't have a clue what's about to come for him. And honestly, everyone will thank me when it's over. Draco is hardly worthy of the name Malfoy, and definitely not worthy of the title Slytherin. Time to put him in his place."

RON CAM: "I don't think they realize that both of them going home is also an option."

JUSTIN CAM: "So, Lee and I get to stay here with Draco and Tom the day before the two-on-one. Yay..."

The lucky bachelors who got to go on the group date gathered outside the house to wait for Hermione. They were all talking about the two-on-one.

"If one of those guys comes back, I'm seriously going to question why I'm here," said Dean. "I mean, you all hear them, right? It's just a game to both of them. I can't take it anymore."

"Poor Lee and Justin," said Neville. "They get to keep on hearing it."

"I dunno. I kinda enjoy the trash talk," said Zach.

"It's fun when there's an actual good guy involved you can root for," said Harry. "But this is like...someone trash talking themselves in the mirror."

"I have a bad feeling Tom is going to wiggle through," said Colin. "He wiggles through EVERYTHING."

"Yeah, Draco's just annoying," said Oliver. "Tom's actually shown some brains throughout this whole thing. I bet Tom wiggles through, too."

"I'm rooting for Draco?" said Zach. "Is that wrong?"

"No, I get you," said Oliver. "I feel like Tom is capable of actual psychological damage. Draco's merely a brat. By himself, he's tolerable."

"Tolerable," repeated Ron. "I'm sure that's the top of Hermione's list of qualities she is looking for in a husband."

Hermione arrived, dressed in leggings and a long blue shirt. The boys' heads all turned. "Hello," she said.

"Hiiii," they said. The chorus may be smaller, but the tone never changed.

"We are going to take the Floo to today's date," said Hermione. "Come on!"

HERMIONE CAM: "Today's date is going to be unlike anything we've done so far. It's probably going to get awkward, but I'm excited for that."

They arrived in a white room that looked like a magical laboratory. The witches and wizards assembled were wearing white lab robes, and Gilderoy greeted them in his trademark white suit. "Hello, lady and gentlemen. Welcome to Shanghai's cutting edge Love Magic Lab."

DEAN CAM: "Love Magic Lab? What the heck, MBBC? Like you didn't invent this place just for the show. There's no way this is a real thing."

"You all look confused," said Gilderoy. "And you should be. This is the only place of its kind in all of the wizarding world. Here at Love Magic Lab, these witches and wizards are looking to unlock perhaps the greatest secret in all of humanity: what is love? I believe the date card said you would be putting your love to the test. This is all too true. You will all be put through tests to see how strong these relationships actually are. At the end of the day, after you've participated in all of the activities, you will all get a compatibility report."

RON CAM: "Blimey, Hermione. Tests? You would make us do tests."

"The good news is that you will all get a lot of one-on-one time with Hermione today," said Gilderoy. "The first test involves simply talking to Hermione. Hermione will sit there..." He gestured to an innocuous looking chair. "...and you will sit opposite her. And that's it. Just talk." The boys all stared suspiciously at Gilderoy. There had to be a catch. "Bill, why don't you go first?" Gilderoy asked. He was looking at Ron. Ron looked around, and everyone snickered. "Ummm...I'm Ron."

Gilderoy squinted. "Ahhh, yes, you are a bit fatter. Ron, why don't you go first?"

"Fine," Ron said with a glare. He sat opposite Hermione, who muttered "I'm sorry" to him. The couple were surrounded by white curtains. Two Chinese witches started to apply devices to him. They stuck nodes on his temples and at his wrists. "Ummm..."

"Mr. Ron," said one of the witches, "this test will measure how attentive you are to Hermione when she talks. Just act naturally."

"Does she get these too?" he asked.

"No," she said. "This is your test, not hers."

"Of course," said Ron. "How silly of me."

Hermione shrugged. The witches left. "So," said Hermione.

"So," said Ron.

"How...are you doing?" she asked.

"Aside from the fact that I'm being tested for things I don't understand, not that bad," said Ron. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yes," she giggled.

"So you chose this?" Ron clarified.

"Absolutely," she said. "I just find all this fascinating."

In an attempt to flirt, Ron said, "Alright then, doctor, what about me fascinates you?" but before Hermione could respond, loud rock music started to play.

Hermione and Ron looked around, giggled slightly, then shrugged. "Well, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I have you all figured out yet, Ron Weasley," said Hermione.

"Figured out?" Ron asked. "What do you mean? I think you might be looking for something that isn't there...erm..." The music stopped, and a pixie flew through the curtains. "BLIMEY! LOOK OUT!" Ron shouted, pulling out his wand, but the pixie passed on through. "What the heck?!"

One of the Chinese witches re-entered, except this time, she was wearing red lingerie. "Mr. Weasley, can I interest you in a drink?" she asked.

"UMM?!" Ron exclaimed, then held up a hand to shield his eyes. "No, I'm good, thank you. Bloody hell!"

"Okay, Mr. Weasley," she said. "The test is over." She removed the nodes. "You are free to go."

"Thank you?!" he said. "On second thought...maybe a drink is good. Bloody hell. This the weirdest date in the history of dates. Good luck, Hermione. I'm sorry you have to do this over and over today."

"Oh, I am not," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "The witches are tracking how focused the guys stay on me throughout the conversation even with the presence of distractions."

Ron had actually done pretty well on the test. Severus passed the pixie and the lingerie part with flying colors (he had paralyzed the pixie in an instant without breaking eye contact with Hermione), but he was so perturbed by the music that he got up and shouted at everyone outside the curtain. Colin was trying to take pictures, so Hermione wasn't sure what sorts of readings they were getting on him. Neville hid from the pixie, and both Oliver and Dean had been distracted by the witch, but poor Zach had failed on all accounts.

"So, Zach, I wanted to tell you again how glad I am that we got to talk."

Cue rock music. "Ohhhh shit, this is my jam!" Zach exclaimed.

"Is it now? That's ironic," said Hermione.

Zach got up and started to dance. "WHAT IS LOOOOOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEE NO MORE!" Cue pixie. "OHHHHHH SWEET MERLIN WHAT WAS THAT?!" he shouted as he dropped to the floor.

"I think it was a pixie," said Hermione. She beckoned for him to sit down again. "So, Zach, where do you see yourself in five years?" Cue lingerie witch. Zach stared blankly, and not at Hermione. "Umm...Zach?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I love that song," he said.

"I think we're done here," said the witch.

"Indeed," said Hermione.

When the boys finished their turn behind the curtains, they were ushered into another room where they were encouraged to work out. Each man was placed on either a treadmill, or an elliptical, or a rowing machine, etc. Gilderoy brought Hermione into the room and placed a blindfold on her.

"Okay, gentlemen," said Gilderoy, "please line up, but do not speak to Hermione. This next test is going to be a little awkward."

"Oh," said Ron, "this is where it gets awkward. I see. Thanks for the heads up."

Gilderoy laughed awkwardly. "Hermione is going to sniff each of you."

"Can I shower?" Neville asked.

"Absolutely not," said Gilderoy. "Our witches are measuring how attracted Hermione is to each of your scents."

They all raised their eyebrows in surprise, but they asked no more questions. Gilderoy lead Hermione to each of the men, and she sniffed them. Occasionally she made a noise to indicate how she felt about each scent. She coughed after smelling Severus, then said, "Sorry." She said "hmm" to Neville. Neville started to panic, looking for some indication at what "hmm" meant, and receiving none. She said "Mmmm," to Dean, and then she got to Harry.

Sniff. Sniff sniff. She got closer and sniffed harder. "mmmmMMMMMMM! Wow!" Harry froze as the rest of the men shot daggers at him with their eyes. He turned beet red, and Hermione was also red. "Sorry," she muttered.

"No need to apologize, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "I'm going to take you into the next room for the final test now. Gentlemen, you may all clean up." He lead Hermione away.

Dean sniffed himself, and then grabbed Harry's arm and smelled him. "Ugh!" Dean said. "Seriously?"

"I...," Harry said, "I don't know what just happened."

"We know who won that test, that's what just happened," said Zach. He too sniffed Harry. "I don't get it."

"Oh, c'mon, Harry don't smell that bad," said Ron.

"Oh good. Ron wants to marry Harry too now," said Dean. "Congratulations, Harry."

"Oh stop! It's just sweat. She's not going to choose based on that," said Harry.

Gilderoy came back to their room. "Okay, men, I suspect that this last test is going to be your favorite. I am going to blindfold you, and one by one, you are going to have seven minutes with Hermione to do what you do best." He winked.

OLIVER CAM: "Seven minutes in Heaven. While a couple of witches analyze my every move. Ohhhhh yeahh..."

"You also can't talk to her," said Gilderoy. "This test is purely physical."

"How far can I go?" Zach asked. The men groaned, and Severus smacked him.

Gilderoy shrugged. "As far as she'll let you, I suppose. But do remember you're being monitored."

ZACH CAM: "I perform well under pressure."

SEVERUS CAM: "I don't know how much longer I can tolerate being lumped in with this lot of boys."

* * *

"Alright, Hermione, would you like to see the results?" Gilderoy asked when they were done.

"Already?" Hermione asked.

"This package is for you to share with the men, if you so wish," said Gilderoy. "It gives a breakdown of each of the tests. What your strengths are and what needs improvement."

"Okay," said Hermione. She accepted the pack of reports.

"And here's something I think should be just for you," said Gilderoy. "It's a comprehensive ranking of all the men based on their cumulative scores."

"Oh, wow," said Hermione. "I'm not even sure if _I_ want to see that."

"Really?" asked Gilderoy. "Okay! Incendio!"

"NO!" Hermione shouted. "Okay okay okay. Gimme!"

Gilderoy grabbed the end of his wand to stop the flames, and then cried out in pain. He handed her the page. It simply said:

 **1\. Harry**

 **2\. Neville**

 **3\. Dean**

 **4\. Oliver**

 **5\. Ron**

 **6\. Severus**

 **7\. Zach**

 **8\. Colin**

"Hm," she said, smiling. Then, "Hm," she said again, frowning.

Hermione met with her suitors after dinner that night, and they looked at the reports.

"Well, Colin, first I'd like to say that I think the results got skewed due to your incessant need to take pictures," she said.

"Really? I thought that would help," he said. "Can I see this page...I'd like to..." He pulled his camera out of his bag.

"You know what? Stop," she said. "It's getting to be a bit much."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Colin, hurt. "But the scrapbook..."

"It's a cute idea, and very sweet, but," she said, "we're constantly being recorded by cameras!"

Colin looked around. "Oh yeah."

"So I'm not sure that we _need_ a scrapbook," she said. "And then your camera just makes another camera for me, you see what I'm saying?"

"Yes," he said, hanging his head. "I'm sorry."

"I'm going to be honest," she said. "I think the camera has actually kept us apart a little bit."

"Well, then we _definitely_ need to fix that," said Colin.

"I agree," she said. "Thank you."

* * *

"Ron," she said.

"Yes?" he said. He had his arm around her, and she had her head on his shoulder.

"Okay, so, before I show you this report, I want to preface it with a couple of things," she said.

"Okay," he said. He was starting to sweat from nerves.

"Your results surprised me the most," she said.

"Okay!" he said with a smile, but then seeing her face, he realized she meant it the other way. "Oh no. I failed. We're not compatible."

"No! I mean," she said. "Yeah, we're not... _not_ compatible, but...if these tests are to be believed, we're also probably supposed to just stay friends."

"Okay," he said, hanging his head. "I understand. I'll go."

"No!" Hermione said. "That is the opposite of what I want! I am so happy you're here, and, every time we spend time together, I feel safe, and I feel like you get me, and...oh, hell," she said, and then she took the rose from the table.

"You're kidding?" Ron said in disbelief.

"Ron Weasley," said Hermione. "I am falling for you. Will you accept this rose?"

"You realize this makes no sense, right?" Ron asked.

"Yes," said Hermione.

"Okay, as long as you're in, I'm in!" Ron said, accepting it. "Hey, Hermione?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"I'm falling for you too." They kissed, and they never even looked at the report.

* * *

Tom and Draco met in the kitchen on accident. "Good morning," said Tom.

Draco "hmphed" and opened the fridge. There was only one slice of bacon left. He reached for it.

"Accio bacon," said Tom, and the bacon flew to him.

"That's cheap," snarled Draco.

"That's life," said Tom with a shrug. "Did you pack your bags, Draco?"

"Yes," he muttered grudgingly. "And you?"

"No need," said Tom.

"But, the instructions say we need to place both our bags in the foyer. If I'm doing it, you're doing it," said Draco.

"My goodness, what _are_ they teaching at Slytherin these days? Rules are meant to be broken, Draco," said Tom. "I'll pack my bags when I'm good and ready." He hovered the bacon in the air, cooking it with his wand. Grease dripped onto the floor. "In fact, I believe everyone ought to pack their bags tonight. Once I'm done with Hermione, it'll be game over."

"You are such an ass," said Draco. He left the kitchen without eating.

Tom laughed. "Nice comeback, Draco," he called. "I'll see you later. Looking forward to our date!"

* * *

Rita Skeeter sat in the control room, examining all of the screens. "Oh, that is some _delicious_ footage of our bad boys," she said.

The editors nodded and took notes. A young bespectacled worker pushed through. "Ms. Skeeter! Ms. Skeeter!" he exclaimed.

"Uhhh...yes? Who are you?" asked Rita.

"Sorry," he said, "I'm Jack, the intern."

"Oh, sorry, Jack," said Rita. "Everyone, Jack's here to take your coffee orders!"

"No, it's not that, sorry," he said. "I mean, I will, but first..." He held out a binder. "This is the original cast list for this season."

Rita batted her eyes in disbelief. "Yes, and? What do you expect me to do with it? What were _you_ doing with it?"

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I was just curious and looked through it. Ms. Skeeter, I think you might be interested to know that someone is missing."

"Missing? Who?"

"Tom Riddle," he said.

"Oh?" Rita said. She flipped through the original photoshoots, applications, and interview notes. He was right. The book went directly from POTTER, HARRY to SMITH, ZACHARIAS. "Where are Tom's files?" she demanded.

"I asked around, when I noticed it. I thought maybe someone was just borrowing it for something, but nobody knew. And then I watched through all of the footage from the first night carriage exits," said Jack.

"How did you get access to that?!" Rita demanded.

Jack shook his head and ignored her question. "Ms. Skeeter, not only are there no records of Tom Riddle applying to the show, _he never got off a carriage_."

"Impossible!" snapped Rita. "Then how did he get here? Show me! SHOW ME!"

The editors found the footage, and together, they watched every miserable moment. Jack was correct. Tom Riddle never got out of a carriage.

"Ms. Skeeter, what do we do?" asked one worker.

"This is a serious security breach!" exclaimed another. "He must be removed at once!"

"In week 6?! On the brink of the our drama-guaranteed two-on-one?!" Rita shrieked.

"We can edit him out," said an editor. "It'll be like he was never there."

"No no no," said Rita. "Tom is an asset to this show. He must stay."

"But, Ms. Skeeter!" they protested.

Rita held up her hand to silence them. "I want a camera on Tom Riddle at all times. When he leaves, and he _will_ leave, before the end, we pay him hush money. Nobody ever need know of this."

Jack hung his head and sighed. The room was tense. Everyone focused on the camera following Tom.

* * *

HERMIONE CAM: "In some ways, I'm looking forward to this date. We're going to the Great Wall, one of the new seven wonders of the world. And I'm looking forward to seeing both Tom and Draco. Both of them are guys that I had a strong connection to in the beginning. Tom got the first impression rose, and Draco got my first group date rose. As we've progressed, I've had questions about both of them. I know they've both caused problems in the house, and of course there was that incident with Tom on the Norway group date. I need clarity today. I need to know that these men are here for me. I can't keep on like this. Yet, I will be sad to see one of them go. Or both of them, if need be."

Draco and Tom waited for Hermione. The other men in the house peeked out the windows. They were of course going to sit around and wait for a crewman to come and retrieve one of the two bags. Colin had started a pool on who was coming back. The men were split. Only Ron held fast to the belief they would both be gone.

"So we have two bottles of champagne here," said Dean. "We'll call one Draco and one Tom. We'll only open them both if both of those bags leave, agreed?"

"Agreed," the men said.

"Hermione is here!" Neville announced. They all stepped away from the windows and sat in the living room with the two bottles of champagne.

"And now we wait," said Dean. "And now we wait."

* * *

"Hello, boys," said Hermione.

"Hi, Hermione," they said. Each one reached for one of her hands. She looked at them both and smiled nervously.

"Today we're going to be visiting the Great Wall," said Hermione. "There's a Portkey for us. Ready?"

They nodded and proceeded.

TOM CAM: "The Great Wall is a very fitting place for this date, because I believe today is going to be a very great day."

They arrived at the Great Wall, and it was packed with tourists. A private tour guide showed them around, and nobody really said anything to each other besides. Each man clasped Hermione's arm on either side.

HERMIONE CAM: "This is way weirder than I thought it would be. Group dates have never felt this crowded."

A section of the wall had been reserved specifically for them. They had two private watchtowers, one with three chairs in it, and one with two. The one that had three chairs also included some wine and cheese and of course, the rose.

TOM CAM: "I was very tempted just to take that rose and get it over with. But, that's not how the game goes, of course. We must all play the game."

"Okay, well, I don't see any reason to prolong this," said Hermione, when they had settled into the first watchtower. "Umm...Draco, would you like to walk with me?"

"Of course," he said. Hermione took his hand, and they walked off down the stairs and along the wall.

Hermione took his hand in both of hers. "Are you...?"

"Nervous, yeah," he admitted.

"Draco Malfoy, nervous?" she teased.

"Yeah, I, there's no point in hiding it. This date today has made me more nervous than anything I've ever done in my life. I'd never show it in front of _him_ , of course, but..."

"Don't worry about him," said Hermione. "I don't want this to be one of the two-on-ones where both men use their time to trash the other. This is about us right now, okay?" He nodded, and she smiled and leaned into him. "You know, I kind of enjoy seeing you this way."

"Well, that's a little..." Draco started, and then he smiled. "Only you could get me like this."

"What are you nervous about, Draco?" she pressed.

"I'm nervous that this is the end," he said, "and I don't want it to be."

She smiled. "So, you are enjoying this process?"

"I mean," Draco said, "as much as a guy _can_ enjoy watching his girlfriend go on dates with a bunch of other guys every week."

"Am I your girlfriend, Draco?"

"Of course you are," he said. "What, am I not your boyfriend?"

"I guess it's hard for me to use that word because there are still so many of you," she said.

"Well, how many boyfriends is acceptable, then?" he asked. "I mean, if this ends in a proposal, then we all should be people you consider boyfriends."

"I guess you're right!" She laughed. "This is so nice, Draco. I like being here with you. I like you like this."

"You keep saying that," he said, "like there's a way I am that you don't like."

"Well, you're not always the most modest of people."

"Neither are you," he teased.

She wasn't sure how to take that, but she did get flushed. "And you're not always the most considerate of other people in the house."

"That's because I'm here for you. I wouldn't want to say that I don't care about your other boyfriends, but, I mean, I'm not dating _them._ I'm not here for _them._ My priority is always making sure that you are taken care of. And that's the way it will be if we're together," he said.

"But we are together," said Hermione playfully.

Draco winked. "Exactly."

* * *

"Okay, Tom, would you like to come with me?" Hermione asked, following a pretty successful conversation with Draco. It was all on Tom now to make this a difficult decision for Hermione.

"Of course, my lady," said Tom. He took her arm, and they began to walk along the wall. "This place is so sad," Tom remarked.

"Sad?" Hermione asked. "How is that?"

"Well, for starters, there are dead people buried in this wall," said Tom. "We're walking on dead people."

"Hm, yes," said Hermione, remembering from the tour. "Not very romantic, is it?"

"No, it's not," said Tom. "How I would have loved to see this country back in its heyday."

"Time travelling would be fun," agreed Hermione.

"Right? Unfortunately it's 'not permitted by wizard law.' Psh. I'm a wizard. I should be able to do whatever I want."

Hermione sighed. "Well, I do understand that we can't have everyone popping in and out of the past as they please. The consequences could be catastrophic."

"More catastrophic than the world today?" Tom asked. "Please. The world is in a constant state of decay. This wall is a relic of a glorious past where the powerful people were free to do as they pleased."

HERMIONE CAM: "Tom is always very deep, but some of what he was saying today was making me uncomfortable."

"You know the past wasn't that great for everybody," said Hermione. "Like all women, really."

"Of course," said Tom. "I'm not saying it was perfect. In my perfect world, witches and wizards alike would rule."

"Rule?!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh, don't be like that," said Tom. "I just think we shouldn't have to be underground is all."

"Rule?" Hermione repeated.

Tom laughed, took her hand, and spun and dipped her. "I'll be King and you'll be my Queen, and we'll have a world of equality and justice for all."

Hermione laughed uncomfortably and wiggled free. "I'm not really interested in being a queen, Tom."

"I'm joking," said Tom.

"Are you?" asked Hermione.

"I thought you had aspirations of getting involved in government. That's one thing we have in common."

"Yes," said Hermione. "I mean, I don't know if I'd really call them _aspirations_ , so much as fantasies."

"I want to help you make that fantasy come true," said Tom.

"So, if you did become an official, what would you do?"

"I'm sorry?"

"If you really did have power," said Hermione, "what policies would you want to enact?"

Tom wiped his brow. "It's kinda hot here, isn't it?"

"Like, if witches and wizards did rule, then what would happen to my parents?"

"Nothing, my dear. What do you think I am, a monster? Nobody who opposes me will come to any harm."

Hermione's jaw slacked open. "Okay, I think we're done here." She started walking back to the watchtower.

"Oh, Merlin's beard, can't you take a joke?"

"Well, I don't think those jokes are funny," Hermione whispered, turning around. Draco was looking down at them from his watchtower and smiling.

Tom took her hand. "I'm sorry, Hermione. It won't happen again. I see you as an intellectual equal, so I thought you'd-"

"There is a long history of people like me being persecuted in the wizarding community! How could you think I'd find jokes like that funny?"

"I screwed up. I'm sorry. You know, Draco-"

"Draco and I had a lovely conversation about what we'd like for our future."

"He's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Everyone in the house knows he's here for the wrong reasons."

"I'm not playing that game," said Hermione. "Tom, don't bother following me. I've put up with enough of your s***. It's over. You're done. You're going home."

"Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way," said Tom.

The screen went black.

"OHHHHHHHH!" Cho, Cedric, and Luna shouted.

"Shot DOWN!" Cedric exclaimed.

"Well, I guess Draco's still in," Cho said, turning to the poster.

"Guys?" Luna said. Cho flicked her wand and a big red X appeared over Tom's picture. "Guys! Look!" Luna insisted.

They turned to the screen, and Gilderoy was sitting beside Hermione in the original England mansion.

"Oh my gosh, wait a minute," said Cho. "Was that it?"

"That was it," said Luna. "He...he..."

"Shhhh!" Cedric said.

"Hello, Bachelor Nation. We're very sorry to interrupt the juicy two-on-one date you were watching, but unfortunately there is no more footage," said Gilderoy.

"No more footage? How?" Cho asked. "Didn't they say He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...?"

"There is no more footage because at this moment Tom Riddle rendered the entire camera crew unconscious, and filming ceased," said Gilderoy. "Now as I wasn't there myself, I will be turning the discussion over to various members of our cast who were. Hermione?"

Hermione nodded. "After he knocked out the camera crew, he cast the Imperius Curse on me. I...I'm sorry, Gilderoy. I can't say any more. I don't remember."

"Quite right," said Gilderoy. "Of course, as many of our watchers are aware, those who have been under the Imperius Curse do not remember what they do when they are under said curse. So, let's go ahead and bring out the rest of our cast who were willing to appear today. Now, for those of you watching, this will be the first time our bachelors and Hermione are reuniting after the incident and the hiatus in filming. The show is not finished. There has been no proposal at this time. Okay, Jack, you can let them in." One by one, the men were ushered into the room: Neville, Colin, Lee, Oliver, Dean, Zach, Justin, Ron, and lastly, Harry. When Harry entered the room, everyone got up and hugged him. Hermione hugged him last and longest. The men all gathered on the couch pit in the living room, and Hermione sat in the middle of them, and while she was happy to have them back in her life, she couldn't help but notice who was missing. She looked at Gilderoy questioningly, and he nodded. "Draco and Severus have decided not to come back, Hermione," Gilderoy said. "I actually have a letter to you from Severus. I received nothing from Draco, did you?"

"No," said Hermione. "Hm. I see. Did he say why he wasn't coming?"

"He doesn't feel safe," said Gilderoy. "We at the MBBC respect his decision. Of course, we want all of you to feel safe. Just to be clear, is there anyone else here who will not be returning to the show when we continue filming?"

The men all said "no" and shook their heads adamantly.

"If we all didn't go on with our lives, then the Dark Lord wins," said Dean. The men all agreed and clapped.

"Harry?" Gilderoy said. "You feel safe?"

"As safe as I can be, Mr. Lockhart," said Harry. "I actually want to start with apologizing to everyone, because if it weren't for my presence here, none of this would have happened. Hermione, if you think it would be better if I didn't-"

"Shut it!" Hermione said. "This is not your fault, and I won't hear any more talk like that. And thank you all. Every single one of these men reached out to me over the hiatus to see how I was doing. I have the most fantastic group of men here, and I can't wait to continue this journey."

The men clapped. "Okay then," said Gilderoy. "This is it, then? The final nine. Any objections, Hermione?"

"None at all," said Hermione. "Clearly they're all here for the right reasons."

"Then, since we didn't get to have a rose ceremony," said Gilderoy, "would you like to give out roses here right now?"

"I would," said Hermione, and she bestowed a rose on each of the men in turn.

"Okay," said Gilderoy, "now all of our viewers are certainly wondering what exactly happened after the blackout on the two-on-one. Unfortunately we don't have much account of that. The story, as I understand, picks up again at the house, yes?"

"That's right," said Oliver. "So, ummm..."

"Go on, dude," said Lee. "You spoke first. You're the guy now."

"I'm the guy. Alright, so we're hanging at the house waiting for the results of the two-on-one. And the door opens, and it's Hermione," said Oliver.

"Are you going to be okay?" Harry asked Hermione.

"It's...it's weird hearing this aloud. But it has to be done. Go on," said Hermione.

"Hermione is wearing...it was a great dress. And we all got pretty excited at this point," said Oliver.

"We're waiting for the news that they both went home," said Dean.

"And then Hermione asks Harry to come with her," said Oliver.

"Harry, if you don't mind, what are you thinking at this moment?" asked Gilderoy.

"I'm wondering what the hell those guys said on the date to make this happen," said Harry. "So I'm very nervous. Usually when the bachelorette comes personally over to the house and asks for someone unexpectedly, it's not a good thing."

"So you're thinking at this moment that you could be going home," Gilderoy clarified.

"Yeah, although I can't imagine why. That's what I'm thinking," said Harry. "So I go with her."

"And what were the rest of you thinking?" asked Gilderoy.

"I was jealous, honestly," said Zach. A lot of other guys echoed the sentiment.

"I was suspicious," said Ron. "Something felt off to me."

"Well, it was a very 'off' day, and a very 'off' thing to happen," said Colin. "But we had no reason to suspect Harry would be in any danger, besides maybe the danger of going home."

"Okay, Harry, can you describe briefly what happened between you and Hermione next?" asked Gilderoy.

"Okay," said Harry, taking a deep breath. "So, Hermione takes me to her house, and there's a beautiful dinner set up, and a rose on the table. Hermione then tells me...erm...she tells me that she's in love with me and that I'm going to be the one at the end of the show, and that we have to just play along with the show from now on."

"Okay," said Gilderoy. "What's going through your head, Harry?"

"Well, a lot of things," Harry said with a nervous laugh. "I'm looking around at the cameramen, and they're shocked as hell."

"There's footage of this?" Neville gasped.

"Yes," said Gilderoy, "but we are not going to release this footage out of respect for Hermione and Harry. We will watch some different footage later, that I think everyone _should_ see, but this isn't it. Okay, so back to you, Harry. Do you believe what Hermione is telling you?"

"I want to," said Harry, "but, uhhh, no. For a couple of reasons. First, the Hermione I know would not continue leading on a bunch of guys for the sake of a TV show." The other men nodded, and Hermione smiled. "So, I asked her what was actually going on, and then she says she's going to go get us some wine."

"Completely ignoring your question?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yes," said Harry. "She doesn't even address it. That was my second clue that something was wrong."

"And okay, I can jump in here," said Hermione, "because I actually remember this. I remember Harry asking me that question, and on some level I also realized something was wrong. Because I kind of snapped back into myself here, and I was like, 'Why am I alone with Harry in my house? Where did this wine come from?'"

"Okay," said Gilderoy. "Good. I think this would be a good time to interrupt your side of the story and turn to the footage of what was happening in the bachelor house."

"Yeah!" Zach exclaimed, clapping, and the other men clapped as well. The TV in the Bachelor House turned on, and the camera zoomed into the TV. But there was also a picture in a picture where you could see the real-time reactions of the participants.

* * *

Harry and Hermione exited the house, and the men were muttering in confusion. Severus stood up, pointed his wand into the air, and shouted, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" A beautiful silver doe appeared in the center of the room. The men flipped out. Zach hid from the Patronus. Severus said, "An urgent message to Albus Dumbledore. Dark magic on the set. Please send help to our location immediately. End message." The Patronus disappeared.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Zach shouted.

"Alright, boys, sit down and shut up," said Severus. "The show has been compromised. I need all of you to listen to me. You too!" Severus pointed his wand at the crew.

"NOW HOLD ON RIGHT THERE!" Ron cried, standing up and pointing his wand at Severus. "We're not backing down without a fight!"

"I second that," said Neville, standing beside Ron. "What's your game, Professor?"

Severus laughed in their faces. "My game is to make sure all of you, including Hermione and Mr. Potter, make it out of here alive. But go on and attack me and take your chances with the Death Eaters yourself."

"DEATH EATERS?!" Lee squealed at a decibel that could summon dogs.

Everyone got out of their seats with their wands at the ready, and started off in different directions. Justin tried to go outside, and Severus magically slammed the door shut on him. "SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN SIT DOWN SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?!"

"We're trying to get the hell out of here!" said Justin.

"Bloody hell, they don't make wizards like they used to anymore," said Severus. "Sit down, the lot of you. _If_ there are Death Eaters, as I suspect there are, you're not going to want to be going out on your own, are you?" Everyone started to settle back into their seats. "Good," said Severus. "Hello, I'm a member of the Order of the Phoenix. If you listen to me, and don't do anything stupid, then we're all going to be okay. Erm, yes, Mr. Wood?"

Oliver's hand was raised. "Why would Death Eaters attack us here?"

"Ohhh, I don't know, let me think," said Severus, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. "Does anybody know of a reason why Death Eaters might attack us here?"

"Because Harry Potter," said Neville, hand also raised. The men weren't sure why they were all raising their hands, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"OHHHHHHHHH," said way too many people.

"Well shit," said Dean. "Hermione just took Harry out!"

Panic set in again. Severus raised his hand to quell the masses. "Yes," said Severus, "and Hermione is under an Imperius Curse." Super panic.

"H...how do you know that?" asked Colin.

"I can tell by the way she talked and moved," said Severus. "She seemed happy. _Too_ happy. Also, she came back without either of the men she was on a date with, or their bags having been removed."

"Do you think...Tom and Draco...?" Oliver started, unable to finish the thought.

"I'm not sure," said Severus. "I've had my own suspicions about Tom that I shall not utter here."

"Draco's parents are Death Eaters," Dean said. "I bet he did it."

"No way! It was Tom! Tom's crazy!" said Zach.

"Stop," said Ron. "Who cares who did what? What matters right now is Harry and Hermione."

"Indeed," said Severus. "Ten points to Gryffindor. Let's start with placing some protective charms around this house. We can't very well help them if we die." Severus waved his wand over the room. Ron, Neville, Dean, and Lee got up to join in.

"Help them?" asked Zach. "What about Dumbledore?"

"Dumbledore is several thousand miles away," said Justin. "We have to be prepared to fight." Justin got up and joined the spell casting.

"Once we've secured the house, I'm going to go to them," said Severus. "You all should be safe here."

Colin, Oliver, and Zach joined in the spell casting. "Professor Snape?" Colin started.

"Yes, Mr. Creevey?" asked Severus.

"What if something happens to you?" Colin asked.

"Then I suppose you have to wait for Dumbledore," said Severus.

"I'm...I'm not comfortable staying in here while they're in danger out there," Ron said.

"Oh?" asked Severus.

"Yeah," said Neville. "We're not letting you go out alone, Professor."

"Oh," said Severus. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm guessing this magic is a little beyond you."

"You forget, Professor, that Gryffindor has an extensive Defense Against the Dark Arts program," said Dean. "We're going."

"You all feel this way?" asked Severus.

"Absolutely," said everyone except Zach. Justin punched him, and he finally said, "Yep."

Severus laughed. "Well, okay then. Let's extend our protections beyond this house. We're going out, boys."

They followed Severus.

"What if there are Death Eaters out there?" Neville whispered.

"Just use Expelliarmus," said Ron.

"Psh," said Severus. "I highly doubt-"

"Harry says that's always his first move," said Ron. "And he's a professional Auror!"

"Wicked," said Dean.

* * *

They cut back to Hermione, Gilderoy, and the nine in the house. "So," said Gilderoy, "what do you think about that, Hermione?"

"I think it's awesome," said Hermione. "Although, I have to agree with Severus's assessment of 'Expelliarmus.'"

"No, that's true, actually," said Harry. "I do use Expelliarmus as my first move 99% of the time."

Laughter from the group.

"Okay, so while this strange group of crusaders was forming within the house," Gilderoy, "Harry, you had come to the same conclusion at Hermione's house."

"Yeah," said Harry. "I recognized the signs that she was under Imperius, especially when she asked me why we were where we were. Kudos, by the way, Hermione. An Imperius Curse of that caliber is nearly impossible to break, and you were clearly fighting it."

"I knew everything was wrong, but my body was still going where it wanted me to go," said Hermione. "So I have this bottle of wine in my hands, and I pour a glass for Harry, and then I pour a different glass of wine for myself."

"And we might as well say right now why you poured two different glasses of wine," said Gilderoy.

"Because one was poison!" Harry and Hermione said together.

"Did you know it was poison, Harry?" asked Gilderoy.

"I had my suspicions," said Harry. "The wine was completely normal looking and smelling, though. But I wasn't even worried about the wine right now. I was worried about Hermione and her Imperius Curse. I mean, she could easily have used the Death Curse on me."

"But they wouldn't have had me do that on camera," said Hermione.

"Right, and actually, Severus said that particular potion wouldn't have killed Harry until a couple of days later," said Gilderoy.

"Yeah, so I could have drank it, and died, and nobody would have known," said Harry. "But I didn't drink it, because Ron, Neville, and Severus barged in on me."

"Alright," said Gilderoy, "By the way, I want everyone at home to know that while this was going on, we behind the scenes were bringing in Chinese Aurors and setting up the Floo to take everyone back to London."

"Right, I would like to reiterate for everyone out there," Harry said, gesturing at the camera, "this is not the MBBC's fault, okay? They have all kinds of security in place, but the level of dark magic at work to make this happen was unlike anything I'd ever seen, at least, that I can _remember_ seeing."

"Ohh," Hermione said sympathetically. Harry shrugged.

"So, Severus, Ron, and Neville come into the house where you two are," said Gilderoy. "Then what?"

"They did such a good job!" Harry exclaimed. "Severus took Hermione. That was number one priority. He tells her they need to go back to the house, and Hermione is on a one-track mind, because of the Curse. She keeps insisting I drink my wine. She actually tells Severus, and Ron, and Neville, that she's going to kick them all off the show if they don't leave us alone. At this point I step in and tell Hermione that I want to go back to the house with her. And I'm not sure if she was resisting or if the curse was wearing off or what, but she goes with us. She brings the wine, though."

"But nobody drinks it?" asked Gilderoy.

"No, and it is making her very upset at this point," said Harry. So we get outside, and all of the guys are there protecting the house. We all go into the main house, and here is where it gets crazy."

"Oh, _here_ is where it gets crazy?" Gilderoy asked. Everyone gave a slight laugh. You just had to in this situation.

"So, we get communication from the Aurors who had been dispatched to the Great Wall. Draco is gone, completely. That was the first news," said Harry.

"And I do want to reiterate for everyone at home, Draco is alive. He just has decided not to join us," said Gilderoy. "I'm fuzzy on those details, but it seems like he was able to get to safety, and his parents came to China to retrieve him."

"To retrieve him," Dean said with air quotes.

"We also learn at this point that the camera crew at the Great Wall had been knocked out. They were on their way to the hospital, and they were going to be fine," said Harry.

"They are fine, miraculously," Gilderoy reiterated. "Okay, and now is where it gets weird?"

"Yes," said Harry. "So Tom of course was the spell caster. And I can't say how...ugh, this is hard to explain."

"Alright, I gotcha, boy," said Lee, clapping his hands together. "We're just in the mansion waiting for more news at this point. Severus is talking to all kinds of people here, there, and everywhere. Hermione is being weird, but nothing is really happening. And then, Tom appears."

"Where does he come from?" Gilderoy asked.

"He just walks in," said Lee. "Like nothing unusual was happening. Like we hadn't just spent a whole lot of bloody time putting up barrier charms for this specific purpose."

"Did you know at this point that Tom had cast the spell?" asked Gilderoy.

"No," said Justin. "Severus kept saying he thought it was Tom and not Draco, but nobody could be sure exactly what had happened at the Wall. But Tom comes in, and we all stand up and point our wands at him, because, hello, you can't just walk in after we'd put up all of those enchantments. And he says something like, you can't hurt me just because I have a rose and you don't, and then we're like, did you curse Hermione? And he gets all defensive, of course."

"And this is the best part of the story," said Ron. "Hermione says to him, 'Harry won't drink the wine you gave me.' And she starts crying."

"Everything is just falling apart on him," said Gilderoy.

"Yeah," said Ron. "She also asks him why he has a rose, because she didn't remember giving him one."

"And then he tries to blame Draco for everything," said Oliver. "The wine, the curse..."

"And good old Hermione says, 'I really thought I was going to give Draco the rose, not you,'" said Dean.

"So this is what happens when someone is fighting a really strong Imperius Curse. They can't play along the way the spell caster wants them to, but they can't break out of it either, and it's almost like they're drunk or high," said Harry.

"So Hermione is completely ruining this for Tom," Gilderoy clarified.

"I don't remember any of this," said Hermione. "This is very entertaining."

"Although she also kinda ruined it for us," said Oliver, "because if she hadn't said that, Tom wouldn't have even known Harry hadn't had the wine. He was expecting business as usual."

"And where was the wine at this time?" asked Gilderoy.

"Severus had it," said Harry. "He was upstairs analyzing it."

"So," said Ron, "are we...are we telling them the next bit, or..."

"Tom is out of options," said Neville. "So, he has no choice but to reveal himself."

"And by 'reveal himself,' you mean...?" Gilderoy lead.

"Tom tells us, at this time, that he is in fact He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," said Neville.

"Okay," said Gilderoy. "That's a statement that is going to completely shock everyone at home, but it has been verified by the tapes. This is what he says."

"This is not just what he says," said Harry. "It is what he is. He wrote his name in the air with his wand, TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, and the letters rearrange to say I AM LORD...you know."

"What do you do?" asked Gilderoy.

"Expelliarmus," said Ron. Gilderoy laughed. "No, seriously. I used Expelliarmus, and it worked."

"I went to get Professor Snape," said Colin.

"Wait, come again?" Gilderoy said.

"And then the Chinese Aurors arrived!" Zach exclaimed.

"Hold on, guys, Bill, you DISARMED HE WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED?!" Gilderoy shouted.

"My name is Ron, and F*** YES I BLOODY DID!"

Everyone cheered.

"What happened next?" Gilderoy asked, hyped.

"Well, we have to let down the defenses for the Aurors. I did that," said Zach, proudly.

"But, on the inside, Tom is telling us all that we're going to die," said Oliver.

"Severus and Colin come back down the stairs, and then we've got ourselves a battle," said Lee.

"All of us versus He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," said Colin. "Terrible odds. For us, I mean."

"Yeah, it is a miracle that you're all still standing," said Gilderoy.

"Well," said Ron, "Harry, being the actual Auror of the group, decides to confront him. We all tried to get between Tom and Harry, but Harry insisted."

"He was there because of me, and I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me, so I just went for it. I went for the Killing Curse," said Harry.

"You tried to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" clarified Gilderoy.

"It's the only thing I thought had a chance of working against him," said Harry.

"Well, clearly, you've never tried Expelliarmus," quipped Gilderoy. Everyone laughed.

"Well, to be fair, Tom had gotten his wand back. That particular portion of the battle didn't last long," said Lee. "But it was still awesome!"

"Okay, so Harry goes after Tom with a Killing Curse. What happens?" asked Gilderoy.

"Tom does the same," said Ron. "And their magic meets in the middle. And then...eh?"

"Eh?" asked Gilderoy. "What's eh?"

"They couldn't get past each other," said Oliver. "It was a weird arch of magic over the living room between Harry's and Tom's wands."

"It was a stalemate," said Lee. "A tie."

"Okay," said Gilderoy. "Interesting."

"It's called Priori Incantatem," said Harry. "Mine and Tom's wands are actually brothers. They won't kill each other."

"Really?!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "You...and he..."

"Yes, I know," said Harry. "But this lot almost killed me anyways."

"We didn't know," said Dean. "We thought while Tom was focused on Harry, maybe we could take him out ourselves. So we started to attack, but Severus stepped in before we, you know, caused the connection to break and...kill Harry."

"AND THEN THE CHINESE AURORS ARRIVED!" shouted Zach.

"Yes, Zach's big contribution to everything," said Justin. "When the Chinese Aurors arrived, Tom apparated out."

"And then?" Gilderoy asked.

They all looked at each other. "And then nothing," said Oliver. "The end. Everyone was safe."

"So, just to clarify for everyone, this does mean that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is out there and at large," said Gilderoy. They nodded. "Okay, so..."

"We just need to be on high alert, and stick together as much as we can," said Harry. "We don't know exactly how he got there. The Aurors took his bags, and I'm pretty sure they got back to the Order of the Phoenix. So our very own Professor Snape is on the case."

"Oh, yes," said Gilderoy. "Hermione, why don't you read that letter now?"

"Out loud?" Hermione clarified. Gilderoy nodded. Hermione retrieved the letter and unfolded it. She read, "Dear Hermione, I hope this letter finds you well. You are a remarkable witch, and I feel very privileged to have been part of your journey. I will cherish each rose and moment I spent with you. Unfortunately the incident that occurred brought up some things in the past for me that I will never be quite over, and I've come to the conclusion that marriage is not the best option for me. Fighting side-by-side with your other suitors, as much as I hate to admit, gave me a new respect for them, and I believe you will be happy with whoever you choose from this bunch. I am old, Hermione, and they are young. You will find a more lasting happiness with one of the nine left. I wish you and him all the happiness, Hermione. My calling is to continue to fight He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named so that you and yours can live peacefully. I will keep you in my heart as I go. Always, Professor Severus Snape."

"Alright, boys, I think that's our cue," said Dean. He removed his shirt, and the others did the same. Hermione gasped, but they were all wearing shirts underneath. The shirts were black and said in green letters, "SNAPE'S ARMY."

Hermione squealed in delight. "That is awesome!"

"It was Neville's idea," said Ron.

"He was just so...badass. The way he just took charge. I'm not sure what would have happened if he hadn't been around," said Neville.

"Well, there you have it, folks. I'll let the real news handle the rest," said Gilderoy. "Be sure to join us all next week for the beginning of the second half of Hermione's journey to true love. One of the men sitting beside her today will be her husband. Who's it going to be? There's only one way to find out! See you next week, Bachelor Nation, and be safe!"


	8. Chapter 8

It was Monday at 8 at the Malfoy manor, and Narcissa sat down in front of the TV with her glass of champagne.

"Oh no, not this again. Narcissa, must you insist on watching this mindless show?" Lucius Malfoy groaned.

"Oh stop," she said. "You know the antics of these baser wizards has always entertained me. Draco! The show is on!"

"What's the point? I'm not on it anymore!" Draco called from the balcony.

"Don't you want to see what happens next?" Narcissa asked.

"Not particularly," said Draco. "These wankers are going to all have inflated egos after last week."

"It's such a shame you had to go through that, Draco," said Lucius. "You represented the family well, though."

"No I didn't!" Draco cried. "Everyone's calling me a coward for leaving! I had to disable all of my social media accounts."

"Don't be dramatic, Draco," said Lucius.

"I'm a MEME, Dad!" Draco lamented. "And they're right. I ought to have stayed. Dragging me out on that date made us look _more_ suspicious, not less."

"You did your part. You smuggled the diary in, and nobody suspected a thing. We're in the clear," said Lucius.

"Yes, but the Order has the diary," said Narcissa.

"We didn't think we'd need an extraction plan," Lucius remarked.

"Well, if you would have told me what I was doing, I could have brought it back!" Draco snapped. "All that nagging about how I needed to find a nice witch to settle down with was infuriating. You realize if I'd stayed, I could have become the next bachelor, right? But no. Now I'm a meme." He descended the spiral staircase. "No girl is gonna marry a meme, I can tell you that. I'm gonna be living here forever. Is that what you want?" He looked at the TV. "Oh, blimey. Is she actually taking Colin on a date?"

"This is going to crash and burn," Narcissa said with a wicked laugh. "Come on, Draco. Sit with Mummy."

"Degenerates," Lucius scoffed, walking away. "What has the wizarding world come to?"

Draco sighed and sat next to his mother on the couch, where he was convinced he'd be sitting for the rest of his miserable life. A house elf poured him a glass of conciliatory champagne.

* * *

HERMIONE CAM: "This week there are three one-on-ones, one for each of the men I have yet to go on a one-on-one with. Colin is a very sweet guy, if not a little too enthusiastic at times, but I can tell his heart is in the right place, and I never have to question where I stand with him. As the weeks are dwindling down, I realize I need to get more serious with these men. A rose at this point must mean I could see this person beside me at the end, not that I simply want to keep seeing them. It must mean that I can feel myself really falling for this person."

"Hello, Hermione!" Colin cried, running to greet her. They had returned to the London Bachelor mansion for this first week back filming. Hermione and Colin threw their arms around each other and kissed. "Notice something?" Colin asked.

Hermione looked him up and down. "Umm?"

"I left the camera at home," said Colin.

Hermione pumped her fist in happiness. "That's wonderful, Colin. And look! Our ride is here!" She pointed to the sky, and a shadow was descending on the mansion.

"A hot air balloon?" Colin asked.

"Yes," said Hermione. "The date is starting now. I'm tired of Floo and Portkeys, aren't you?"

"It is a nice change of pace," Colin agreed. "Shall we?"

Hermione and Colin walked arm-in-arm to where the hot air balloon was landing, in the field behind the mansion. The other eight men looked out the windows from their individual rooms in envy.

The balloon, of course, was white with a red rose on it. And of course, there was a bottle of champagne inside the basket. A fire crab powered the balloon. As the balloon rose, Colin popped the cork over the rim of the basket and let it fall to the ground below. "Cheers to being back together," he said.

"Cheers," she said, clinking glasses with him. "So, what did you do during the hiatus?"

"Well," said Colin, "I was absolutely hounded back at work. Got an absolute beating from my boss at not having taken any pictures during the fight."

Hermione scoffed. "That's so ridiculous! You were fighting You-Know-Who!"

"His exact words were, 'I don't pay you to fight, I pay you to take pictures,'" said Colin. "Great guy though, all things considered. You ought to meet him."

Hermione giggled nervously. "If I were to go home with you, Colin, what would life be like?"

Colin thought. "I have a very busy life. My schedule is pretty much dictated by the news cycle. The good thing about that is I'm never bored. But it's made dating very difficult for me. That's why I came on the show."

Hermione smiled. "I know what you mean. I work very long hours at the Ministry."

"Yeah, it's great that you understand that. Whenever I've tried to date someone, the relationship just couldn't progress fast enough, and someone else always came along and swooped her away before I could make any headway. So naturally, a show where I was one of 25 guys vying for the same girl was the perfect solution for me," said Colin. Hermione chortled. Colin took her hand. "I kinda can't believe I'm still here," he said.

"Why's that?" she asked.

"I don't know," said Colin. "I realize I'm a little on the dorky side."

"Well, there's certainly nothing wrong with that," said Hermione. "If you haven't noticed, I'm also a little on the dorky side."

"Nahhhh," said Colin. "You are every man's dream."

Hermione chortled again. "I am not. If I were, I doubt I'd be here."

"But that's exactly why you're here!" exclaimed Colin. "We're all gaga about you, Hermione. Have been from the second we stepped out of those carriages." Hermione blushed. Colin pulled her in for a kiss. "I'm crazy about you," he whispered.

HERMIONE CAM: "It's of course very flattering to hear all those nice things from Colin, but at the same time, I worry that he's put me on a pedestal. I'm not sure if I can truly get to the next level with him if he can't overcome this tendency to speak to me as if I'm the end-all-be-all of women. It's very nice to hear, but..." She sighed. "It's getting to be a bit much."

The hot air balloon landed in an English garden, and they were treated to a group of people in Elizabethan-era clothing waltzing to a string quartet. Colin and Hermione observed the spectacle politely and clapped when the dance was done. A woman in a blue and purple ball gown, and a man in matching tunic and tights, welcomed them.

"Hermione, Colin," said the woman. Her red hair was done up in a huge bun on her head. She looked like she'd stepped out of a painting. "How do the two of you feel about dancing?" she asked.

"Well, I certainly enjoy dancing," said Hermione. "I'm not sure how I feel about my ability in dancing."

"I have two left feet, for sure," said Colin.

"Well, today we are going to try to help you with that," said the woman. "We're going to teach you how to waltz."

"Alright," said Colin, nodding.

The man stepped forward. He had a curly mustache that matched his curly hairstyle. "But first, you must look the part!" he declared. "If you will follow me, sir, I'll get you suited in a period costume."

"And Hermione, I have the perfect dress for you," said the woman.

COLIN CAM: "I am very excited to have a dancing lesson with Hermione. I am not at all excited about the prospect of wearing tights. This is officially the most embarrassing thing I've ever done for a woman. Thank goodness I left the camera at home!"

When they were finished getting costumed, the man and woman lead them back to the garden. All of the other dancers had gone away, but the quartet remained. Hermione and Colin looked at each other. Colin gasped in admiration, and Hermione laughed. Hermione wore a red ball gown with ivory accents, and her hair had been pulled back to match the woman dancer. Colin's tunic was red to match Hermione's dress, and his tights were white and red checkered.

"Madam, why do you laugh?" asked the male dancer. "In Elizabethan England, Colin would represent the height of masculinity in these tights."

"Yeah, Hermione," said Colin. "The height of masculinity." He held out his hand to her, and she accepted.

"Very good," said the woman. "Colin, you would now bow to Hermione and kiss her hand." Colin obeyed. "And Hermione, you must curtsy, like so." She picked up her dress so as to perform the curtsey, and Hermione mimicked her. "Very good! Now, let us begin."

The instructors placed Hermione and Colin's hands in the proper positions, then they learned the basic step. Colin only tripped over Hermione's dress twice, which was pretty impressive seeing how it stuck out about a foot in front of her. By the end of the hour, they could do a basic waltz to the music.

"Bravo!" exclaimed the woman. "Now, if you will follow me."

They walked arm-in-arm behind her through the garden to another area, where a dinner had been set up. The quartet continued playing in the distance. They thanked the woman and sat down to eat in private.

"That was fun," said Colin. "You're a great dancer!"

"Thank you," said Hermione. "You too. And I hope they let us keep these outfits, don't you?"

"Oh, absolutely. I'm going to wear these all the time now," said Colin. His eyes lingered on the rose on the table.

Hermione coughed nervously and pushed the rose aside. She wasn't ready for that rose. They laughed nervously. "So, umm, you were saying earlier that you don't have much free time," said Hermione.

"Right," said Colin.

"But when you do," said Hermione, "how do you usually spend it?"

Colin laughed nervously. "I study photography, mostly. I know that doesn't seem like much of a hobby, but in my case, my hobby is also my career, so..."

"That's really cool. I wish I could say the same," said Hermione.

"What's your hobby, then?" asked Colin.

"Besides my cat," said Hermione. "I just love reading. Anything and everything. My friends think I'm an absolute bore and are always ripping me away from my books. Which is a good thing, mind you. I will just get lost in books. I would never leave my bed some days if they didn't make me."

"Right," said Colin, smiling. "Tell me about your friends."

"Luna and Cho," said Hermione. "They're very different. We're all different. Luna I met at Ravenclaw. You know, you'd probably get along with her. She works on a magazine."

"Oh?" asked Colin. "Which one?"

"The Quibbler," she said tentatively.

"Oh," he said, his enthusiastic tone dropping to disappointment.

"I know," said Hermione. "She's all about the paranormal. I kind of feel the same way about The Quibbler."

"The people at The Prophet have a lot of choice things to say about The Quibbler," said Colin.

"But, every once in a while, they actually have something," said Hermione.

"True," said Colin. "They're definitely willing to take more risks than us. For example, The Prophet did _not_ want to publish that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back."

"Oh my!" Hermione gasped. "But that's terrible! Everyone needs to know."

"It took both the Order and the MBBC to push them to publish it," said Colin. "Even now they still say 'alleged return.' I get it's a legal thing, but it still bugs me."

"Right," said Hermione. "Even if Tom wasn't the original He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it's still really bad that someone is running around imitating him."

"Exactly," said Colin. "Might as well be the same thing." They looked nervously at each other. "Well, enough about him. Let's talk about us."

"Yes, let's," said Hermione.

"Hermione, I feel so privileged to be here with you and to know that you see something in me, and I know I only get limited time with you, so I have to lay it all out on the table," said Colin. "Hermione, I love you."

"Oh," said Hermione.

"You don't have to say it back," said Colin. "I get that it's probably early in the process and wouldn't be fair to the other guys if you did. And maybe you don't feel that way about me yet, but I hope that things are moving in that direction?"

Hermione stared blankly ahead. "I'm sorry, Colin. I don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting that."

"Right," said Colin. "I understand."

"I think I need to take some time alone to think about this," said Hermione.

"Sure," said Colin.

Hermione got up and walked out of Colin's vision.

COLIN CAM: "Well, that just happened. I get I probably said it too soon, but I couldn't risk leaving without letting her know exactly how I felt."

HERMIONE CAM: "Well, that just happened. I keep going back and forth with Colin. We were having a really great conversation, and I was leaning towards keeping him around, and now... Gosh, I was just not expecting that. Is it right to keep him around now knowing he feels that strongly? I'm not there, but am I moving there at all? If I'm not, then I need to let him go." She started to cry. "Oh gods, I didn't think this would be so hard."

* * *

Snape's Army was sitting together in the living room, catching up and reminiscing. A crewman entered the house.

"Hey, what are you doing, mate?" Lee asked.

He reached for Colin's bag.

"Don't do it, man! Don't do it!" Lee taunted.

He picked up the bag, and carried it out of the mansion.

"OHHHHHHHHH!" they all cried.

"And another one bites the dust," said Dean. "Damn, first day back. That's cold."

"My guess is he overdid it," said Neville. "I think he's been more into her than she's been into him the entire time."

"So that makes eight," said Ron.

Oliver grabbed eight beers and passed them out. "To our fallen comrade," said Oliver.

They all cracked the beers and toasted to Colin.

HARRY CAM: "A really weird thing happened during that Tom Riddle attack. We're all closer as a group than ever before. Yes, we're still all dating the same girl, but it's more than that we have in common now. So even though Colin leaving means there's one less guy competing for Hermione, it's sad to see one of our own go."

An owl tapped on the window. Justin opened it and grabbed the date card. "What do we think, boys?" Everyone stared at the card as if it had the plague. While being on the card would mean time with Hermione, it might also mean you had one day left on the show.

"Open it," said Neville.

Justin opened the card. He smiled. "Zach," he read, "Castle and chill? Hermione."

"Ohhhh shit," Zach squeaked.

ZACH CAM: "I FINALLY GOT a one-on-one! I finally got a one-on-one! Castle and chill? I very much like the sound of that!"

* * *

Later that night, Zach poured through his clothes. "It says I can dress casual," Zach said. "Do you think this Hufflepuff shirt is too casual? It's the only one I have that doesn't have a goofy saying on it."

Justin didn't even look up from his book. "It's fine," he said.

"So, you survived your one-on-one," said Zach. "Got any pointers?"

"You made it this far, so just keep doing what you've been doing," said Justin. "And go with the flow. Hermione took me to a club in Hong Kong. It was awful, but, it was with her, so it was still good, you know?"

"Man, I should have gone on the club date," said Zach. "Chill, though... I like the sound of that!"

JUSTIN CAM: "Zach is my friend, but he and I are drastically different. I feel like he's probably the least mature guy left in the house, so while I want the best for him, my money would not be on him coming back."

LEE CAM: "Real talk. Zach is the new Cormac. Like when we had both Zach and Cormac, it was like, wow, Zach's pretty smart! But Cormac's been gone for weeks, and every week I'm like, huh. This guy's still here? Alright. Not a bad guy, but just...huh."

HERMIONE CAM: "So...do you remember when I said I sent home the wrong Hufflepuff? Yep...a slip of the tongue kept Zach in the game week 2. And I've kept him around since then because he keeps surprising me! There's something about him. I'm not sure what it is, because he's very different from guys I'm usually interested in. More of a jock, you know? So I sent home Colin first date, and I'm hoping that Zach surprises me more today and our relationship progresses, because two break-ups in a row would be really rough."

Hermione picked Zach up the next afternoon. She stepped out of a carriage.

"Hey, is that one from our first night here?" Zach asked.

"Yes, it is," said Hermione.

"Wow, it feels like it was just yesterday," said Zach. He put his arms around her and kissed her.

"We're going to take this carriage to Hever Castle," said Hermione. "It's a bit of ride, so we'll have plenty of time to talk and enjoy the scenery."

"Sounds great! Let's do it!" Zach exclaimed.

ZACH CAM: "I know it's barely started, but I already feel great about this date. Hermione looks awesome, and now we get to cuddle up in a carriage for an hour. Good deal!"

Hermione began with the first question she used in the previous date. "How were things with you during the break?"

"Well, I went back to work. I wasn't sure if they'd have me back after being gone for so long, so that was lucky I guess," said Zach.

"Good!" Hermione said. "You know, I looked into the magic of Quidditch balls while we were away."

"Oh yeah?" Zach asked, interested.

"Yeah, I guess I wanted to learn more about what you did. I've never really been into sports, so I never learned about that branch of magic. Those enchantments you have to put on those balls are actually quite difficult!"

"Yeah, if I make a mistake and a ball goes haywire, then it's someone's life," said Zach. "You seem surprised, Hermione."

"Sorry," she said, blushing. "I must confess I always looked down on jocks."

"Well, I wasn't good enough to make a career out of being a jock," said Zach. "So this was the next best thing."

"It's pretty cool, actually," said Hermione.

They spent the remainder of the carriage ride discussing their career goals and how that might fit into their life as a couple. The thought of getting engaged seriously freaked Hermione out at this point. She was down to eight guys now, and she was supposed to be engaged to one of them in less than eight weeks. She was doubting if she could get there with any of them, let alone Zach.

They arrived at the castle, and they took the obligatory tour. Hever Castle had once been home to Anne Boleyn, a person whom Zach had obviously never heard of, but he listened to her story with intense interest. When the tour was over, they went to a large room in the center of the castle that had been converted into a movie theatre. Here they got dinner and an advanced screening of a much anticipated Wizard movie about the famous Quidditch player Catriona McCormack.

"This is a good movie, but," Zach whispered, "I can't stop thinking about Anne Boleyn!"

Hermione giggled. "What? Why?"

"I guess I didn't realize how savage muggles could be," said Zach.

"Uh, yeah. They can be just a cruel as dark wizards. Having magic or not having it doesn't change that."

"But...decapitation? Gods! That's brutal! At least with a Killing Curse it's painless," said Zach.

"Well, actually, if the decapitation is done well, then it severs the spine and eliminates pain. She probably didn't feel anything," said Hermione. "If that makes you feel any better."

"Kinda," said Zach. "Wow! Muggles really think their executions through!"

"That they do," Hermione laughed.

"Excuse me," said a familiar voice. It was Gilderoy Lockhart with a tub of popcorn. "Thought you might want a movie treat!"

"Alright! Thanks, man!" said Zach. He look the tub, and a rose was sitting in it.

"Ohh," Hermione groaned.

"So, umm," said Zach.

"Let's talk about that after the movie," said Hermione.

"Okay," said Zach, putting the rose aside.

ZACH CAM: "This date has been such an emotional roller coaster! First Anne Boleyn, now the rose. I don't know how much more I can take!"

HERMIONE CAM: "I am having such a great time, but that rose just reminds me that this show isn't about just having a great time. That rose ruins everything. Just when I'm really starting to feel like I could get somewhere with Zach. Is it enough? Think, Hermione, think!"

The movie ended, and Hermione, picked up the rose. "Zach, I need to unload a few things before I can get to this," she said.

"Okay," said Zach.

"I'm scared," she said. "I'm scared about what this rose means. I'm scared about letting people go that I could potentially have a great relationship with. The truth is in the real world I could have a great relationship with everyone left in the house, but I feel very pressured to speed things up and fall in love and get engaged, and I'm afraid I won't get there with any of you in the time allotted, so...I don't know what to do with this rose. I really don't."

"Ummm," said Zach.

"I'm sorry," said Hermione. "That was a lot to load onto you. I just had to say something to someone, and you're here, so..."

"So...," said Zach. He put his arm around her. "Well, obviously I would tell you to give me the rose," said Zach.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Why?" Zach asked. "What do you mean?"

"Do you see us getting engaged?" Hermione asked.

"I...uhhh," said Zach.

"How would you define our relationship _right now_?" Hermione pressed. "I'm attracted to you. I have fun with you. You're kind and smart…"

Zach laughed. "I'm not nearly as smart as you," he said.

"That's funny you think that. Because you know spells that I haven't the foggiest idea of how to perform," said Hermione.

"You could learn, though," said Zach. "Look, I like you, Hermione. You're different from other girls. You challenge me. I want you in my life. And yes, I could see it. I could see myself getting down on one knee and proposing to you."

She thought about Zach. She thought about other guys in the house. She said, "I think we're a good couple. But I don't know that we'd be good spouses."

"Why not?" asked Zach.

"I can't say why not," said Hermione. "You've done nothing wrong. That's what's so hard."

"Why the heck didn't you send me home when I asked you before?" Zach grumbled. He got up.

"Zach, wait!" Hermione cried. "I'm sorry! I didn't want it to end like this, but, gods! I'm second guessing everything and everyone all the time!"

"Hermione," Zach said, coming back to her. "I can't do this."

"I know," said Hermione. "This isn't fair to you."

"I think I need to go," said Zach. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

"Me too," said Hermione. They embraced, and she cried on his shoulder. "I'm afraid we're making a mistake."

"You've gotta do what's right for you, Hermione," he said.

"I don't know what's right," she said. "That's the problem."

ZACH CAM: "Hermione wasn't this distressed about having an Imperius Curse placed on her. I can't imagine what's going on in her head, so, even though it was pretty clear I was going home, I knew I needed to stay with her and let her talk through this."

* * *

"Man, they've been gone a long time," said Harry, taking his eyes off the wizard chess board.

"Pawn to E3," said Ron. He looked up from the board to the clock. "Huh. This _has_ been an unusually long date."

As if on cue, the front door opened. Zach entered, his rose tucked behind his ear.

"Hey!" Harry and Ron said.

Zach took a bow. "I survived," he declared. The other men started to gather around to welcome him back.

JUSTIN CAM: "Wow. I sure didn't see that coming."

ZACH CAM: "We talked a lot, and, yeah. We're in a good place now. Hermione's been so stressed she can't think straight or really take time to explore her feelings. So we made the time."

Everyone sat down in the living room to chat. Zach said, "Guys, I just want to warn you. Hermione is freaking out."

"Like how?" asked Dean.

"She's doubting this entire process," said Zach. "She's afraid she's not going to get to the point where she needs to be to accept a proposal from any of us."

The atmosphere became heavy. "I get it," said Ron. "One of her guys turned out to be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Of course she's on edge."

Everyone agreed. "We're all going to have to be very reassuring this week, and just show her a good time," said Oliver. "We probably won't want to dig too deep, you know. Just let her direct the conversation."

"Good to hear you have a plan, mate," said Zach. He held out a date card to Oliver.

OLIVER CAM: "I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my entire life." The crewman muttered something about Tom. "You heard me."

"What's it say?" Lee asked.

Oliver opened the card. "Oliver. Let's live out our fantasies. Hermione." He turned red.

LEE CAM: "Woo! These date cards are getting spicy!"

The next day, Hermione came to retrieve Oliver. Oliver wore a red polo, and Hermione wore skinny jeans and a purple blouse. She had her hair done up in a ponytail.

"Hey, cutie," said Oliver.

"Heyyy," said Hermione with a giggle.

OLIVER CAM: "Well, she seems happy. Pressure's on to keep her that way so that I can bring home that rose!"

HERMIONE CAM: "My relationship with Oliver has been a very nice, steady progression. I've never had to doubt his character or his feelings for me, but kinda like with Zach I question if we could really have a lasting marriage."

Hermione put her arm around Oliver and lead him to her cottage. "We're going to spend some time in London today," she said. "We're taking the Floo, and then we're going to have a little fun with transfiguration."

"Okay," said Oliver.

OLIVER CAM: "What?"

They arrived near Diagon Alley. A witch with pink hair greeted them. She appeared to be young, but still older than Hermione and Oliver. "Hello!" she said. "You must be the happy couple!" Hermione and Oliver smiled at each other, then introduced themselves to the witch. As they were talking to her, her hair started changing colors. "My name is Nymphadora Tonks, and I'm a metamorphmagus."

"Are you going to teach us how to do that?" Oliver asked.

Tonks laughed. "Unfortunately not. I was born with this ability." Her hair was green now, and she changed her skin from white to dark brown. "But, I do want to talk to you guys about appearances, and then we're going to do a little experiment." Hermione and Oliver nodded. "So, I assume, since you are both here together, and I understand that it is pretty far along in the show, that you are attracted to each other, yes?"

"Yes," said Oliver immediately. Hermione looked at him and shrugged, and he gasped.

"I'm teasing. Of course I'm attracted to him," said Hermione.

"And that's important," said Tonks. Her appearance was changing again, back to how she looked when they first met her. "But, as I'm sure you know, your appearance will change as you grow older. So I'm going to cast a charm on you that will artificially age you."

"Oh my," said Hermione.

"This is going to force you to consider something other than your outward appearance on this date. How much are you still attracted to each other? If you can pass this test, there's a good chance you will be successful as a couple," said Tonks.

"Alright," said Hermione. "Ready, Oliver?"

"I guess," said Oliver.

Tonks pointed her wand at their faces and muttered an incantation. Hermione felt a tingling sensation in her face that lasted about a minute. "Alright, what do you think?" Tonks asked. She held a mirror out for the both of them, and they screamed.

Oliver was bald except for the sides of his head. Hermione's hair had curled more. Both of their hair was gray, and they had deep wrinkles along their mouths and eyes.

OLIVER CAM: "I'm going to go bald. This is not the best way to find that out."

"We are dressed way too young," said Hermione. Her voice hadn't changed at all, which was strange.

Oliver altered his voice to try to sound older. "We are young at heart, dear. Let's hit the streets and show these whipper-snappers a thing or two."

Hermione laughed. "Okay. Should we stay in London or hit Diagon Alley?"

"What?" Oliver asked, pretending he couldn't hear. "Dragon tally?" he continued. "Why, I haven't seen a dragon in these parts since I was a wee little lad!"

"Are you going to do this the whole date?" Hermione asked.

Oliver coughed. "No. Sorry. I kinda want to get a cane, though."

"Oh, cane wands are wicked!" Hermione said.

"Let's do it!" Oliver exclaimed.

They went to Ollivander's. The wise, old wizard sat at his desk, examining a newly acquired specimen. He saw looked at the cameras and the couple entering his shop in confusion.

"Hello there, Mr. Ollivander," said Oliver, slipping back into his old man voice. "I'm looking for a cane to fit this here wand here."

"Oh, of course, sir," said Ollivander. "Let me see your wand." Oliver pretended to fumble for his wand before handing it to Ollivander. Ollivander examined the wand, then raised his eyebrow at Oliver. "It's been a long time since I've seen this wand, Mr...?"

"Uhhhh...Fiddlefaddle," said Oliver. "Johanis Fiddlefaddle."

"Johanis Fiddlefaddle?" Ollivander repeated. Hermione had to cover her mouth to stop from laughing. "Oh, yes, Johanis Fiddlefaddle. And this must be Mrs. Fiddlefaddle."

"Yes," Hermione squeaked.

"Spruce wood," Ollivander said, "with unicorn hair core. Mr. Fiddlefaddle, I can't say I remember you, but I remember selling this wand to a young Oliver Wood." He gave Oliver and Hermione another curious look with raised eyebrows, and they couldn't keep up the ruse any longer. Hermione and Oliver burst out laughing.

"It's us, Mr. Ollivander," said Hermione. "How are you?"

Olivander laughed. "Why, I'm doing just fine. And what is the meaning of all this?"

Oliver leaned against the desk. "Can you keep a secret, Mr. Ollivander?"

"I think I can, my boy," said Ollivander.

"We're on a date," said Oliver.

"Ohh!" Ollivander said, his eyes lighting up. "And...and...your appearance?"

"We're under a little spell. Seeing what it would be like to grow old together," said Oliver.

"Oh, I see! So it's getting serious, then?" asked Ollivander. Oliver looked at Hermione who nodded. Ollivander laughed. "Well," he said, "I've been married for forty years now. I have two wonderful children, a son and a daughter. If I could give you some advice, it would be this. You're not always going to like each other. There are going to be difficult days, but on those days, just remember the days like this, eh? And never stop having fun with each other, like you are now. That's the key to keeping the spark alive. Now, Mr. Wood, are you serious about purchasing a cane, because I think I have one here that would be a perfect fit?"

Oliver's eyes lit up. "Ohhhhhh yes. Thank you!" Ollivander winked and retired to his storage. Oliver whispered excitedly to Hermione, "I'm getting a cane!"

Hermione kissed him on the cheek. "Wonderful, dear."

* * *

The spell wore off in time for dinner. Oliver and Hermione ate at the Leaky Cauldron, and of course, the ominous rose appeared. Hermione put it aside politely to say what she needed to.

"So, I had a really great time today," said Hermione.

"Me too!" Oliver exclaimed. He spun his cane around gleefully.

"I want to say something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way," said Hermione.

Oliver stopped spinning his cane and looked at Hermione in alarm. "Well, if you say it the right way, uhh..."

"You're like a big kid," said Hermione.

"Haha!" Oliver laughed, relieved that was all Hermione was thinking. "Well, when you work with kids, they kinda rub off on you."

"Right," said Hermione. "And I mean it as a compliment. Because I've had some heavy dates, and even though this date had a pretty serious component to it, it was still the most fun I've had in a really long time."

"You make the cutest little old lady," Oliver said

Hermione blushed. "Thank you. And you-"

"I looked ridiculous," Oliver said.

"No! You didn't. You looked fine. Like a sweet old man," said Hermione. Oliver smiled. "So, do you plan on working with kids your whole life?"

"Eh," Oliver said. "It boosts my income when I'm not playing for Puddlemere. Once I age out, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'd like to get hired on as a strategist."

"Oh, okay," said Hermione.

"I love the kids, don't get me wrong, but they do wear me out," said Oliver.

"Are you wanting to have kids of your own?" asked Hermione.

"I'm actually on the fence about that, to be honest. Which is strange coming from someone who chooses to be with kids a lot. But that's just the problem I suppose. Plus, if I do get to be a strategist, I'll be gone from home a lot. I guess I don't want to be one of those hands-off dads, you know. But I think I would really love being a grandfather," said Oliver.

Hermione laughed. "You can't be one without being the other."

"Yes, I'm aware of the conundrum," said Oliver.

"Well, I'm on the fence about having kids too, for a lot of the same reasons," said Hermione.

"It's hard," said Oliver.

"Yes," said Hermione. "Do you see yourself living mostly in the wizarding community or among muggles?"

"I grew up in a wizarding community," said Oliver. "I'm open to living around muggles, though."

"You're just very easy-going, aren't you?" asked Hermione.

"A lot of what other people fret about are just trivial matters to me."

"Having kids and where you live are trivial matters?"

"I've never made a plan for my life that wasn't somehow derailed, so, I just go with the flow. My priority when I'm in a relationship is just determining if I'm with the right person. If you're with the right person, the rest should fall into place," said Oliver.

"Okay," said Hermione. "Well, I think there is a possibility that you could be the right person for me." She picked up the rose. "So, Oliver..."

"Yes," said Oliver.

"You will accept this rose?" Hermione clarified.

"Absolutely," said Oliver. He took the rose, and they took the Floo back to Hermione's cottage, where they spent considerable more time getting to know each other.

* * *

"I've got the next date card," said Dean, walking onto the porch. The guys were sitting around a fire pit.

"Well, I wonder who is going to be on this one?" Ron asked.

"What if she left one of us off?" Neville mused.

"That's not going to happen. That's never happened," said Justin.

"She could forget someone," said Neville.

"She's not going to forget someone!" Harry protested. "Read the card, Dean."

Dean had already opened the card and was staring at it. "I can't," he said.

"What's wrong with it?" Ron asked.

"It's foreign," said Dean.

"Let me see," said Justin. Dean handed it to him, and he read. "Lee, Dean, Justin, Harry, Neville, Ron. O'zapft is! Hermione."

"Is that some weird spell we don't know?" asked Lee.

"No, it's German for 'it's tapped,'" said Justin. "I think we're going to Oktoberfest!"

"Dude, how do you know all of this?" Zach asked.

Justin shrugged. "I pick up a lot of things in the library."

JUSTIN CAM: "Beer is good. Going to Oktoberfest is a private dream of mine. But I'll let them all think I'm some sort of genius or something."

Oliver walked through the door with his rose and his cane. "Hey!" the guys all said in greeting.

"That's some fancy pants accessory you've got there," said Lee.

"It's a wand cane," Oliver bragged.

"Alright, we have roses, and one more rose on the group date," Zach said. "Then one of the five left over goes home."

The guys all looked at each other with uncertainty. Not a single one believed they would go home. But Zach was right. Someone would. They always did at the end of the week.

"Man, I don't want to think about that," said Lee. "You're sitting comfortable now, but next week is a new week, and you'll be on the chopping block again."

LEE CAM: "Why yes, I am annoyed that Zach's still here. It just boggles my mind that she's really got such strong feelings about all of us. Someone has to be standing out to her, right? At this point, she's gotta be feeling stronger about some more than others. It's frustrating not knowing where you stand."

"Reality is, we're all on the chopping block every week," said Ron. "Getting a rose one week won't guarantee you'll get one next week. But I do agree, piss off please. You wouldn't be so nonchalant about that if you didn't have a rose."

RON CAM: "Zach gets one special rose and suddenly thinks he's the frontrunner. We're all here because we've been frontrunners. Eight guys is a lot, but compared to 25, yeah. We're all frontrunners."

"Let's all get some sleep," Dean suggested. "We've been spending way too much time with each other."

"It's been less than a week since we've all come back to the show," Lee corrected him.

"And we all have separate rooms, yet we're all huddled in this one spot," said Dean. "Maybe we get separate rooms at this stage for a reason. We're all dating the same girl. I love all of you to death, but right now, I don't think I'm supposed to like you much."

"Dean's right. Let's get some time to ourselves," said Harry. "This is very odd, isn't it?"

"It's a miracle we haven't been at each other's throats yet," agreed Oliver.

JUSTIN CAM: "This entire time we've been focused on the standout yahoos. The obvious wrong fits like Cormac and Dudley. The awful human beings like Blaise, Draco, Tom... We banded together hating these guys, and now they're all gone. So the question is, will a new yahoo emerge from this seemingly sane bunch?"

* * *

Hermione came into the mansion the day of the group date. "Hey, guys!" she exclaimed.

"Hello!" they greeted in return.

Hermione sat down on the couch between Harry and Ron. "So, how's it going?" she asked. "How's mansion life?"

"We all have separate rooms now!" Dean announced proudly.

"That must be nice," said Hermione. "Okay, so we are going to be leaving England today. We're headed to Berlin to join the German wizarding community for Oktoberfest!"

JUSTIN CAM: "Deutschland! F*** ja!"

They took a Portkey to the Zauberergasse, the Diagon Alley of Berlin. It looked similar to Diagon Alley, with half-timbered buildings, and outside of every building was a keg of beer to try. German flags were strung across the roads. German wizards danced and drank in the streets. The alley opened up to a central square, and in this square were statues of famous German wizards. A traditional German folk band played in the square, and wizards danced the polka.

"Schau dir all diese schonen Manner an! Was fur eine gluckliche Frau!" a woman said to the group, then left to fill up her pint. Everyone looked at Justin for clarity.

"She said welcome to Oktoberfest," said Justin.

JUSTIN CAM: "She did not. I have no idea what she said."

Dean put his arm around Hermione. "Well, what's on the agenda?" he asked.

"Whatever you guys want," said Hermione. "It's an open date. We don't even have to all stay together."

That was a silly suggestion, because nobody was going to leave Hermione alone with someone else. So they got some beer and food, then went to the square for polka dancing. Justin knew how to actually polka dance and tried to teach everyone else.

Behind the central square, down another street, the alley opened up to a field full of carnival diversions. The men saw this as their opportunity to have some more intimate time with Hermione. They took turns taking Hermione away to the various attractions such as the ferris wheel, the mirror maze, and the games.

HERMIONE CAM: "Group dates are always a little crazy, but this was getting exhausting."

After she had a souvenir from each of her mini dates, Gilderoy appeared to bring them to their private tent, where a feast of traditional Oktoberfest food and beer was assembled for them, and the group date rose sat in the center. There was a lake and a boat where Hermione could take each of her guys to truly be alone.

HERMIONE CAM: "I'm really unsure right now as to who deserves that rose. I could justify giving it to probably any one of them. At this point I have a pretty clear picture of who these guys are, where they came from, and what makes them tick. I need a new approach."

* * *

"So, Harry, why should I give you the rose?" Hermione asked.

Harry choked on his beer. "I'm sorry?"

"Do you want the rose?" Hermione asked.

He looked around for any indication this was a trick question or some form of escape. Being in the middle of a lake, he had neither. The cameraman in the dingy next to them chuckled.

"Yes," he said. "I want the rose."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because...I...want...you?" Harry stammered. "Yeah. I want you in my life, and the rose means I get to stay on the show, so yeah. That's why."

Hermione smiled and kissed him.

HARRY CAM: "This date is bloody weird."

* * *

"Dean," Hermione asked. "Why should I give you the rose?"

Dean did the same maneuver Harry had. The cameraman roared. "Why," he started, "Why _shouldn't_ you give me the rose?"

Hermione thought. Dean raised his eyebrow and leaned back in his chair expectantly. She decided to drop the question and proceed with kissing him.

DEAN CAM: "Nailed it! I think."

* * *

"Neville," said Hermione, "why should I give you the rose?"

"Huh?" Neville returned.

"I'm trying something new," Hermione explained. "I seriously want to know why you think you're here, how you feel about me, and why you think I should keep you on the show."

"I think," said Neville, "I think it's not a very fair question."

"Why not?" asked Hermione.

"The rose symbolizes a promise of wanting to move the relationship further. If I have to verbally justify the relationship at every turn, then there's not much trust there, and if that's the case, then I don't want the rose."

"Are you saying you don't want the rose?"

"No, not at all," said Neville. "I just think if I'm going to get the rose, it should be because you really want me to have it, not because I somehow convinced you through a series of questions."

"Hm," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "Neville's kinda deep."

NEVILLE CAM: "Oh gods, I'm going home."

* * *

"Lee, why should I give you the rose?" Hermione asked.

Lee ignored the question and proceeded to kiss Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "Lee can be very persuasive."

* * *

"Ron, why should I give you the rose?" asked Hermione.

"Because I'm falling in love with you," said Ron.

"Oh. Oh wow," said Hermione.

"Yeah, I've been wanting to tell you," said Ron. "I hope it's not too soon."

"No, it's not," said Hermione. "Thank you."

They kissed.

RON CAM: "I know I took a big risk there, but I'd rather take the risk and get eliminated now than stick around feeling that way and neither of us knowing what was going on."

* * *

"Justin," said Hermione, "why should I give you the rose?"

Justin thought. "I think we make a very good couple. And I think, no, I'm pretty sure I know that we'd be happy together. I love the time we spend together, and I don't want it to end."

Hermione smiled and kissed him.

HERMIONE CAM: "Justin gave a very stock answer. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think anything he said is wrong. I might be second guessing how strong a relationship we actually have. Hmm..."

After she had taken each of her men out on the boat, she sat back down with them in the beer tent. Everyone stopped talking and looked at her, waiting for the inevitable announcement.

"Thank you all for showing me a great time tonight. Did you all enjoy Oktoberfest?" she asked.

"Jaaa!" they said, lifting their beers and laughing nervously. Each man had bought a Tyrolean hat. Lee, at some point, had changed into lederhosen.

"I'm going to give this rose to someone who really put himself out there today," she said, picking up the rose. "Ron, will you accept this rose?"

"Of course, thank you," said Ron.

DEAN CAM: "Ummm...I'm not counting, but, didn't Ron get the group date rose two dates in a row? Pretty sure he's gotten it two dates in a row. So, yeah. That's not fun to think about."

HERMIONE CAM: "I know I gave Ron the previous group date rose, but it just felt right tonight, after our time together, to let him know that we're on the same page."

NEVILLE CAM: "Took a risk...took a risk!? What'd he say that was riskier than what I said? Bloody hell. I'm going home. Stupid, stupid Neville."

* * *

Ron had a target on his back that was only magnified by Gilderoy's announcement that there would be a rose ceremony that night, and someone would be going home. There would be no cocktail party.

The men got on their suits and gathered in the ceremony room. Ron, Oliver, and Zach stood to the side.

Hermione entered, wearing a silver sequined dress. "I want everyone here to know that this decision was not easy," she began. "I care about each of you very much, which is why you're still here. This decision came down to how serious these relationships are at this point." She picked up a rose. "Harry."

Harry sighed in relief and accepted his rose, followed by Dean, Justin, and Neville.

"Ohhhh man," Lee said, staring at the floor.

"Lee, go ahead and say your goodbyes," Gilderoy instructed. Lee hugged each of his comrades warmly before facing Hermione.

"Can I walk you out?" Hermione asked.

"Sure," he said.

OLIVER CAM: "Lee is going to be missed, but I'm not surprised he's going home. He's a good guy, a great guy, but I'm not sure he was really ready to be married."

* * *

"Obviously, Lee, this is not because we didn't have a connection or because I haven't enjoyed your company," said Hermione.

"I get it," said Lee. "It's like you said. Our relationship just wasn't there."

"I'm sorry, Lee," said Hermione.

"Nah, it's cool," said Lee. "You're a great girl, Hermione. Too good for me. Probably two good for the lot in there too, but, someone like you will always have to settle. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I did really like you, Hermione."

Hermione hugged him, and a crewman brought him his luggage. With a last wink, he got into the carriage to go home.

LEE CAM: Lee wiped away tears in the carriage. "Friendzoned again! Always friendzoned. F***. I f***ed up, man. I f***ed up real bad. I never told her what I really felt. I thought I showed her, but I guess that wasn't enough. Damn. And Zach's still there? That's f***ed up more, man."

HERMIONE CAM: "It became painfully obvious to me on that last date that mine and Lee's relationship wasn't going to get any deeper than physical attraction. I didn't want to let him go, but I had no choice. Maybe under other circumstances it could have worked out. It's not going to get any easier, though. Gods, I don't want to even think about next week when I have to do that again."


	9. Chapter 9

The final seven men stepped out of the Floo and found themselves in a tropical resort. Gilderoy bestowed a lei upon each of them. "ALOHAAAAAAAAAAAA BACHELORS!"

ZACH CAM: "Hawaii, yes! And I got lei'd!"

"Welcome to the beautiful Hawaii. While Hawaii is largely a muggle resort destination, there is plenty of underground wizard activity on the island. Hawaiian wizards actually have a rich history that you will all, if you're lucky, get the chance to explore. Now, just like last week, there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. I don't think I have to remind you that with each passing week, the roses given out are more important. So, let's see..." He reached into his jacket and pulled out the first date card. "Neville, looks like this is for you. Enjoy Hawaii, boys!" He tossed the card on the coffee table and then apparated out.

Neville picked up the date card. "Neville. I'm burning for you. Hermione."

NEVILLE CAM: "It feels very good to be chosen for the first second one-on-one. I believe I've grown very close to Hermione over these weeks, and I think we're ready to take the next steps in our relationship. If only all these other pesky blokes weren't around."

OLIVER CAM: "Hermione has been very diplomatic about her date choices. I know Zach and I aren't going to get another one-on-one this week, so I decide to relax and go explore the resort."

ZACH CAM: "Oh, I definitely want another one-on-one. I need another one-on-one. Mine and Hermione's relationship has been exciting, but not very stable. I need more time with her to assure her that I'm the right choice."

On the day of Neville's date, Hermione came sitting in the back of a red sports car with the top down.

"Hey," Neville said. "What's this?"

"This is our ride," said Hermione. "This is Akoni, our driver and tour guide."

"Aloha, Neville," said Akoni. "Welcome to Hawaii."

Hermione opened the door for Neville, and he stepped inside. "I've never been in one of these before," he said nervously.

"Not many have been in a Porsche," said Akoni. "You are a lucky man, Neville."

Hermione and Neville giggled, because they knew Neville had meant he'd never been in _any_ car. Akoni drove slowly through the island, though, and Neville eventually relaxed. Akoni stopped at various destinations, such as local food vendors and scenic spots. Finally, he brought them to their destination, Hawaii Volcanoes National State Park.

"Thank you very much Akoni. We can take it from here," said Hermione when they had found their hiking trail.

"Be safe you two," said Akoni. "Aloha!" He drove off.

"Alright, now that the muggle is gone," said Hermione, "I can tell you what our final destination for this date is. We're going to see the safest wizard bank in the world."

"It's here?" Neville asked, looking around.

"Yes," said Hermione. "Specifically, it's there." She pointed to the active volcano.

Neville's eyes bulged. "We're going there?!" he exclaimed, and Hermione nodded. "On foot?!"

"Oh, gods no," said Hermione. "This hiking gear was just for show. We're apparating."

"Phew!" said Neville, wiping his brow. "I was not made for this weather, Hermione, and now you're taking me to a volcano."

Hermione giggled and kissed him on the cheek. "Let's go."

They looked both ways before apparating.

* * *

Oliver put on his swim trunks and went to the pool. Thankfully this resort had an adults-only section complete with a swim-up bar. He got himself a margarita, and then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Oliver?" It was a woman with short brown hair wearing a red bikini.

"Katie?" Oliver returned. "Hi...what...what brings you here?"

"Umm," she replied, "you do."

OLIVER CAM: "I met Katie back on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. We've been great friends ever since, maybe even best friends. But I don't have the foggiest idea why she would have followed me to Hawaii."

"Is something wrong?" Oliver asked. "How did you even find me?"

"Can we talk?" Katie asked.

"Of course," said Oliver. "Here, let's go back to my room." The cameras followed as the couple silently dried off and walked back into the resort. "How did you get here?" Oliver asked Katie partway through the halls.

"Magic," she answered simply.

"How did you know where I was?" he asked. She didn't answer this question. They entered his suite and sat down on a couch in the foyer. "What's wrong?" he repeated. She buried her head in her hands and sighed. "Katie? You're scaring me. What's wrong?" He put his arm around her. "Did someone die?"

"No," she said. "There's just something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long, long time ago. You and me have always been good friends."

"Of course," said Oliver.

"I guess I just thought there would always be more time. That you'd eventually come around."

"Come around to what?" Oliver asked.

"Oliver," she said, "I'm in love with you."

Oliver stared at her blankly. "What?"

"Have you really never thought about it?" she asked.

"No," he answered. "I mean...the idea might have crossed my mind, but it was just that, an idea. I never seriously considered...are you sure?"

"I am," she said. "And I couldn't let you continue down this path without telling you."

"What do you think...what do you expect to happen now?" Oliver asked.

"I don't know," said Katie. "When you came on this show, I didn't expect you to be gone so long. You're really far along now."

"Yeah," he said, getting annoyed. "Pretty far along."

"Do you love her?" she asked.

"I...I'm falling for her," said Oliver. "And I think she is me."

Katie sighed. "You always do this."

"Do what?"

"Chase after girls who end up hurting you. And the whole time I've been here. Do you know how hard it is for me to watch you do this over and over? And now you're doing it on television!" She started crying.

"Katie, I don't know what to tell you," said Oliver. "I'm not leaving the show, if that's what you want. I'm not leaving Hermione."

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione!" Katie exclaimed. "The whole bloody world revolves around Hermione!"

She got up and stormed out of the room. "Katie!" Oliver cried, chasing after her. He chased her down the hallway. "Katie!"

Katie turned around. "Stop, Oliver, just stop!"

"Stop what?!"

"What does she have that I haven't? What does any other girl have?"

"I...I don't know what to tell you!" Oliver repeated.

"I shouldn't have come here. I don't know what I was thinking."

"No," said Oliver. "I'm glad I know. I wish I'd found out some other way."

"Well, I feel an awful fool now. I guess we'll both be fools on TV together."

"You're not a fool."

" _You_ are," said Katie. "I hope it's worth it for you. I hope you find happiness. Just don't come crying to me when she sends you home. I really don't want to hear it anymore. Goodbye, Oliver." She kissed him on the lips before leaving in a flurry of tears.

OLIVER CAM: "WHAT?! Bloody hell, what just happened? Somebody tell me? Merlin's beard…I think I just lost my best friend. I don't know what to do now. I'm second guessing everything. What if she's right about Hermione? Am I a fool? Has the person for me been in front of my face my entire life? I don't know what to do."

* * *

Ke Kala Wizarding Bank was inside of an active volcano, and so that you knew you were inside a volcano, you could see the lava running down the walls. It looked very much like Gringotts. They even employed goblins, although the Hawaiian goblins seemed much happier and came in colors ranging from pink to orange.

"What happens if the volcano erupts?" Neville asked.

"We transport our structure to another volcano, of course," said the guide wizard.

"Oh, of course," said Neville. "How silly of me."

"Would you like to see our vaults?" the wizard asked.

"Sure!" said Hermione. "This is incredible."

NEVILLE CAM: "What happens on this show if the date-master asks you to do something, and you say no?" Mutters from off-camera. "I'm not saying I want to do it, I'm just wondering what happens." More mutters from off-camera. "You don't know? Hm. Interesting."

Like Gringotts, the vaults were accessed from mine carts; however, these tracks and carts were reinforced with protection from the elements. "All of our vaults are behind lava flows that will only part for authorized personnel," said the guide. "And some of our vaults are completely human inaccessible. These are, of course, for our most lucrative clients. Only the lava goblins can access these vaults."

"Are the lava goblins treated well?" Hermione asked. Neville chuckled. Hermione was always concerned for the magical non-humans they encountered. To him, it was one of her most enduring traits.

"Most certainly," said the guide. "Unlike your British goblins, the lava goblins are not at odds with the Hawaiian Wizarding Community. We luau with them every Saturday."

"How do you feel about moving to Hawaii?" Hermione whispered to Neville.

"Fantastic!" he replied. "They have the best plants here."

NEVILLE CAM: "I'm not joking. I can live anywhere there are plants."

The guide dropped them off at a vault that had a rose marked on it. Hermione and Neville entered, and they were in a room with a view of the outside of the volcano. They were near the top of the volcano and could see out over the park. There was, of course, a dinner set up and a rose on the table.

HERMIONE CAM: "This is surreal, and to be here with Neville just makes it that much better. I lost Neville for a while in the shuffle, but this date has reminded me just how into him I am. I think I'm going to tell him. Oh gosh, look at me, I'm blushing like a schoolgirl."

"Cheers to a beautiful day in Hawaii," Hermione said, clinking glasses of champagne with him.

"And cheers to this volcano not erupting," added Neville.

"So, Neville," Hermione started, "I kept thinking about what you said on our last group date."

"What I said?" Neville asked. He couldn't remember what he said.

"About the rose," said Hermione. "I was really struggling that date. I was just looking for any reason to let someone go."

"Oh, that," said Neville. "I was kinda terrified about that. I thought I was going home for sure."

"You're kidding," said Hermione. "Your answer was my favorite."

"Really?" he asked. "I...I just said what I felt, honestly."

"And that's what I love about you," said Hermione. "You just say whatever you think. You didn't say what you thought I wanted to hear. You said what you actually were feeling. That was so refreshing, honestly. And I needed to hear that because I was really losing sight of this process, and you kinda brought me back with that answer."

"Oh, wow," said Neville. "I wish you'd said this before. I've been panicking all week."

"You? Panic?" Hermione asked.

"Ummm...yeah," said Neville.

"I can't imagine you panicking," said Hermione.

Neville choked on his pork. "What?!"

"I can't imagine you panicking about anything," said Hermione. "You're always so stable."

"Oh, no," said Neville. "I'm almost in a constant state of panic."

"Stahhhhp," said Hermione.

"I'm serious! I'm afraid of everything! Why do you think I chose plants as my career? Because plants are safe," said Neville.

"Umm, okay," said Hermione. "I think I've learned a thing or two about plants since I've been dating you, and plants are most definitely _not_ safe. Every time we talk about plants, you're telling me about all the ways they can kill me."

"Well, I mean, you've gotta show off for the girl, right?" Neville asked, and Hermione doubled over laughing. "I'm serious. My job. Is really boring. 99% percent of the time. And...I _want it that way._ "

"Okay," said Hermione. "Interesting."

"I'm sorry, Hermione. I'm not the guy you think I am. I feel like I've lied to you this entire time," Neville said half-jokingly.

"Well, if we're going to play the boring Olympics, my job sounds exciting, but it's just a bunch of paperwork," said Hermione.

"Good," said Neville.

"It's funny, isn't it? We go to these lengths to learn all sorts of magic, and here we are, doing paperwork. Most of us aren't doing anything a muggle couldn't do," said Hermione.

"That's true," said Neville. "That's progress, you know? The wizarding world has stabilized to the point that we don't all need to be fighting monsters. I can have the quiet muggle life I've always wanted with a side of _wingardium leviosa_."

"And yet," said Hermione, "and I hate to bring this up, but I'm going to. You were one of the first to join 'Snape's Army,' if you will."

"Heh, I wouldn't say that," said Neville. "We all did what needed to be done."

"No, I watched that tape. You and Ron were leading the charge," said Hermione. "Mr. Boring?"

"You were in trouble," said Neville. "My body kinda acted of its own accord at that point. I don't know who that guy was, but it wasn't me."

"Oh, I think it was," said Hermione. "I think Neville Longbottom has some giant balls."

Neville turned lava red. "I...ummm...I don't know how to respond to that."

"How about by accepting this rose?" Hermione asked.

"Ohhh," said Neville, "that I can do. That I can gladly do."

Neville and Hermione kissed in the overlook. Neville didn't worry about the volcano erupting. "Neville, I...," Hermione whispered.

"What?" Neville asked.

HERMIONE CAM: "Damnit, I can't say what I'm feeling."

"Let me say something," said Neville.

"Okay," said Hermione.

"I'm falling in love with you," he said.

"Me too," she said.

HERMIONE CAM: "Well, damn."

* * *

The men all gathered in a resort lobby. "Alright, I've called this council of the bros because I'm in a bit of a conundrum," said Oliver. "Someone from my past found me today and wanted to talk to me about us."

"Woah, slow down," said Dean. "Someone found you? Talk about us? You're being cryptic, mate."

"Okay, okay," said Oliver. "You Gryffindor blokes might remember Katie Bell from the Quidditch Team."

"Oh, yeah," said Harry. "She was a Chaser."

"Yeah, so, we've been really close friends since school, and I never thought anything of it, but she told me today she was in love with me," said Oliver.

"Ohhhhhh," said the guys sympathetically.

"She tracked you down _here_ to tell you this?" Justin clarified.

"Yes," said Oliver.

"Woah," said Ron. "That's...that's intense."

"That's creepy is what it is," said Zach. "Stalker alert!"

"No, it's not like that," said Oliver. "She's my best friend, really. She's always had my back. She said she's worried about me. She said I'm a fool to be on this show and...I don't know. It's kinda in my head now."

"Is she still here?" Justin asked.

"No, I don't think so," said Oliver. "I'm not sure how she found us, but, here's the thing. Katie is a very level-headed person. She doesn't do crazy, she doesn't do drama, and seeing her the way she was today really concerns me."

"She's desperate," said Ron. "I get that. She thinks she's going to lose you forever."

"Well, I think I'm going to lose her forever whether I end up with Hermione or not," said Oliver.

"But that's nonsense," said Harry. "If you're such good friends, then it shouldn't matter."

"Nah," said Dean. "I wouldn't wait around with someone I was in love with if they weren't ever gonna return the feeling. It's a lose-lose situation, mate. You either reciprocate her feelings, or she's gone. That's all there is to it."

"Maybe initially, but in time," Harry said. "Hermione's a good person. Give Katie space. She'll move on and then come around again."

"I don't know, mate," said Dean. "I think Oliver's right."

"So, the real question here is, do you reciprocate any feelings for Katie?" asked Justin.

"I don't know. I've never thought about it," said Oliver. "Well, okay, that's a lie. I _have_ thought about it."

"Of course you have. You're a dude," said Zach.

"Yeah, I mean, I've wondered, but I never dreamed she felt anything for me, especially that strongly," said Oliver. "So it was always just a friendship. It wasn't ever worth risking the friendship to let myself go there. I didn't realize she'd already went there. She never gave me the slightest indication."

"She probably did, you just didn't catch it," said Ron. "We're pretty dumb that way."

"Yeah, that's what I love about Hermione. She just says what she's thinking," said Dean.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," said Justin. "I mean, yeah, the show kinda forces you to be more upfront about things. But I'm sure there's a lot going on beneath the surface that we're not hearing."

"That's true," said Harry. "Like, if she _is_ favoring someone, which she's gotta be, she's doing a pretty good job at hiding it."

"That's not true at all," said Dean. "Ron's her favorite, obviously. He's gotten the group date rose two times in a row."

"To be fair, there was a month between those dates, so I don't know how much you can really read into that," said Ron.

"Still," said Dean. "She wants us to think we're all on the same level, but there are frontrunners even among this group."

"And I'm not one of them," said Oliver.

"I'm not so sure about that," said Zach. "You seemed to have a pretty easy date last week. I was put through the ringer."

"I actually attribute that to you, though," said Oliver. "You put her in a better place. She was still screwed up when you had your date."

"We can sit here dissecting dates and roses all day, but there's still time left in this process, and there's still a lot that can change," said Justin. "We're all here for a reason. We're all here because Hermione sees a potential future with us."

Neville walked over wearing a rose. "Hey, guys. What's up?"

"Oliver has a stalker," said Zach.

"No, she's not a stalker. Stop calling her that," said Oliver. "She's my best friend, and she tracked me down here to tell me she's been harboring a secret crush on me for years."

"Yikes," said Neville. "I don't envy you, mate. But here," said Neville, handing a card to Ron. "You're up."

"Oh, thanks," said Ron. Dean shot Ron a "told you so" look as Ron opened the date card. "Ron. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Hermione."

RON CAM: "I'm getting mixed messages from this date card. She's on fire for Neville, but for me she says, 'eh, there are plenty of fish.'"

"Okay, well, I think I'm gonna head back to my room and think about this. Thanks, guys," said Oliver.

OLIVER CAM: "It's good to talk it out with the bros, but the person I really need to talk to is Hermione."

HERMIONE CAM: "I had an amazing date with Neville, and I cannot wait for my second one-on-one with Ron. My relationship with Ron has definitely moved faster than all the others, and that's both exciting and scary. It is important that we keep moving forward today instead of just staying stagnant."

Hermione came in the sports car with Akoni again. "Hello, Ron!"

"Oh, nice!" Ron exclaimed. "I was kinda hoping I'd get to ride in the car too."

"Excellent," said Hermione, opening the door for him. "Ron, this is Akoni. He's going to be our chauffeur today."

"Aloha, Ron," said Akoni.

"Aloha," said Ron.

"So, you are going to the ocean today?" Akoni asked.

"Yes," said Hermione.

RON CAM: "Oh, the ocean. Plenty of fish. I feel stupid."

They arrived at a private beach where Gilderoy was waiting. "Aloha, Ron and Hermione. Welcome to Mare Beach. Along this shore is a beautiful coral reef full of tropical fish. I hope you both brought your bathing suits." Hermione and Ron looked at each other awkwardly. Neither had brought one. Gilderoy laughed. "I'm joking. We have wet suits for you to change into."

HERMIONE CAM: "Oh good. That would have been embarrassing!"

RON CAM: "Darn! I thought this date was about to get _way_ more interesting!"

They both went into booths to change, and when they came back, Gilderoy was gone. "So, what are we supposed to do?"

"I think we're supposed to swim with the fishes," said Hermione. She pointed her wand at her face and cast the bubble head charm. "Ready?"

"I, uhhh, I'm not the best at swimming," said Ron.

"Like, you can't swim?" Hermione asked.

"I learned when I was a kid. I haven't ever really practiced," said Ron.

"Okay, well, let me see what we're working with. Do you mind?" Hermione asked.

"No, go right on ahead," said Ron. "You know I'm not the biggest fan of animals. I don't know why you keep picking me for these dates."

Hermione winked and giggled as she got into the water.

RON CAM: "It really doesn't bother me if Hermione wants to do something for herself. If she's happy, I'm happy."

Hermione returned to the shore after about fifteen minutes. "You can do this," she said.

"I think you overestimate me," said Ron. "I'm fine, really."

"No, you've gotta see this. Come on," said Hermione. She cast the charm on him, took his hand, and lead him into the water.

The water was very shallow. When they couldn't wade out any further, the reef began. Ron was able to skim the surface and still see all of the fish. Hermione swam slightly deeper. They spent about thirty minutes in the water, although Ron stopped sooner to return to the shallow beach.

When they both had their fill of the tropical fish, they popped their bubbles and made out in the sand, and when that was out of their system, they changed back into their regular clothes and found that a picnic basket from Gilderoy had been dropped off at some point.

"Oh, good," said Ron. "I was kinda worried the date was over after we looked at fish."

"Nope," said Hermione, "now we get to _eat_ the fish."

"Ohhh," said Ron.

"Oh no," said Hermione. "You don't like fish."

"Not particularly, no," said Ron.

"Let me see what's in here," said Hermione. "There's vegetables?"

"Oh, good. I'll eat those. You can have the fish," said Ron.

"You're going to just eat vegetables?" Hermione asked.

"There's bread too," said Ron. "And rum! I'm set!"

"Are you sure? We can get something else. I'll call Akoni."

"Nah," said Ron, taking a pull of rum. "I'm fine."

They ate and talked about the fish and the island. Hermione kept the rose at her side, waiting for the right opportunity to use it.

"I will say," said Ron, "this is a very strange picnic basket. Usually a picnic is sandwiches and stuff." His stomach rumbled.

"Okay, I'm calling Akoni," said Hermione. "This is not dinner. And you're getting drunk from rum. You need more food."

"I'm not drunk," said Ron. "I want to drive the car."

"Oh _gods_ no!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," said Ron. "I'm actually one of the few wizards who have driven a car before."

"Oh yeah?" Hermione asked, putting her phone down for a second.

"So, my dad, as you know, studies muggles. By the way, when you meet him, _if_ you meet him, I am sorry. He's not going to leave you alone about it," said Ron. "So he was studying a car and he put a flying enchantment on it."

"Oh gods," said Hermione. "You didn't drive a car. You _flew_ a car."

"Me and my brothers," said Ron. "Got in huge trouble, needless to say."

"And let me complete the picture," said Hermione. "Were you drunk?"

"NO! I was, like, thirteen," said Ron.

"Could still happen," said Hermione with a shrug. She dialed Akoni. "Hey, so, Ron and I were wondering if you could take us to get...hamburgers?" She looked questioningly at Ron, who nodded. "Hamburgers," she repeated confidently. "Great! Thanks!" She hung up. "He'll be right here."

"You really don't need to do this," Ron repeated. "I think we're supposed to watch the sunset from here or something romantic like that."

"With your drunk stomach rumbling? No," said Hermione. "Besides, these fantasy-type dates are getting boring."

"Really?" asked Ron.

"I find myself rushing through the obligatory activities to just get to talk to you guys," said Hermione. "You know, like normal people date."

"You know, I noticed that at Oktoberfest," said Ron.

"Yeah. Not that I don't want to have fun with you guys, but, I don't know. I have fun just hanging out and talking," said Hermione. "And I learn so much more about you when we're doing normal things. Like going to get a hamburger."

Akoni arrived and honked his horn. "Was he just waiting to take us back?" Ron asked.

"Probably," said Hermione. "Let's go. Oh, here." She picked up the rose. "This is for you."

"Oh, hey!" Ron said. "Thanks, I mean..." He looked around.

"What?" asked Hermione. "What's wrong?"

"Isn't there a rule that you're supposed to _ask_ me?" Ron asked.

"Uhhh...I don't think so," said Hermione. "Oh gods. Is Gilderoy watching us?"

"Gilderoy is _always_ watching us," said Ron. "Oh my gods, I just realized he actually called me Ron today!"

"Nice!" Hermione exclaimed. They started kissing again, and Akoni beeped. "Okay, later," Hermione said. They got back into the car giggling.

Akoni took them to a beachside burger joint, and Ron tried a spam burger. He liked it so much that Hermione also got one.

"This is so much better than fish and vegetables," said Hermione. "I need to learn this recipe."

"You're going to make homemade spam?" asked Ron. "I think the point of spam is that it comes from a can."

"I know, but I mean, this _specific_ burger," said Hermione.

The sun set and a band started to play. Ron and Hermione danced until a crewman said they had to leave because everyone was on overtime and the producers weren't happy.

* * *

An owl tapped on Dean's window carrying a date card. "Hey, buddy," said Dean. "Is that for me?" The owl tapped again. Dean opened the sliding door to let him in and took the card. The owl departed, and Dean opened the card. "Dean. Everything's better down where it's wetter. Hermione."

DEAN CAM: "It feels great to get a second one-on-one! Sounds like we're going to do some swimming or something? I'm down for whatever."

Dean went to Harry and Justin's rooms as a courtesy to let them know he had the third one-on-one.

JUSTIN CAM: "Of course I'd want another one-on-one, but we can't get them every week. I'll just have to put all my energy into the group date and make the best of it."

HARRY CAM: "I'm very bummed I didn't get a second one-on-one. I had my one-on-one a long time ago, and I feel like we're having a hard time moving forward. I have a lot inside me that I think we need to talk about in terms of the future and what that would look like for her should we get married. Being with me would not be the normal life she would get from someone like, say, Ron or Dean. Not only do I have the most dangerous job you can have in the wizarding world, I'm probably the most dangerous person to be. There is a level of danger that comes with being with me, and I'm not at all worried that Hermione couldn't handle it, but she also needs to understand what she would be getting herself into. A lot has changed since we started this process. I probably wouldn't have come on the show if...You-Know-Who had revealed himself earlier in my life."

HERMIONE CAM: "I'm taking Dean on this date for a couple of reasons. I think Dean is starting to fall behind the other guys, and I really don't want him to. Dean has all of the qualities I'm looking for in a potential husband, and I want to move forward, or, if we're not, figure out what is holding us back and determine if we can get through it."

Hermione knocked on Dean's door. They greeted each other with a kiss and a hug, and they walked out of the resort together.

"Where's Akoni?" Dean asked.

"Uhhh," said Hermione, "we're not taking the car today."

"WHAAAAT?!" Dean exclaimed.

"I'm sorry! I didn't realize this was such a big deal to you guys. We have to take a Portkey," said Hermione.

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Because we need to go to another island. We're going to Pearl Harbor," said Hermione.

"Oh, okay," said Dean.

DEAN CAM: "So Pearl Harbor I know is a very important part of muggle history. Vietnam bombed Hawaii there and..." The crewman muttered. "...Oh, it was Japan? But wait...how did Japan start the Vietnam War?..." More muttering. "...World War II? I thought that was Germany? Why was Japan involved?..." More muttering. "I mean, okay, I guess that makes sense. _World_ War. Yeah...So I don't know jack s***."

The Portkey was a lei. Dean and Hermione arrived in a very busy port city, and they were immediately found by a muggle tour guide.

"AKONI!" Hermione cried. "Dean, this is Akoni."

"Aloha, Dean. I am Akoni. I will be your guide of historic Pearl Harbor," said Akoni.

"I am so happy right now," said Dean.

"Okay," said Akoni, confused. "Let's get started."

Akoni cleared up all of Dean's fuzzy details about Pearl Harbor, and then he took them to a gated-off section.

"I have a special treat for both of you," said Akoni. "We are going to go in a submarine."

"IS IT YELLOW?!" Dean asked hopefully.

Akoni looked at him blankly. "No, it is not," said Akoni.

"Oh, okay," said Dean.

"So, I am going to drive the submarine," said Akoni. "We're going to hopefully see some cool fish, and maybe dolphins and sharks, if we're lucky."

"This is much better than the sports car," said Dean. "Thank you, Hermione."

They got into the submarine and started to travel. Akoni's control panel was blocked off so they could enjoy a private dinner and underwater sightseeing.

"This is a really cool date," said Dean. "Thank you, Hermione."

"Thank you, Dean," said Hermione. The rose was on the table.

HERMIONE CAM: "I have not had enough time with Dean today to make a decision on this rose. I just feel like he has a wall up. We're just talking about Pearl Harbor and fish, and I'm missing the intimacy I felt with him before. It's weird."

"So, how are you feeling about where we are as a couple?" Hermione asked.

"I'd like to think we're in a good place," said Dean. "I mean, I feel like we're very compatible."

"I agree," said Hermione.

"Good," said Dean. "I have felt a little more recently that maybe I'm not your favorite guy in the house?"

HERMIONE CAM: "Boom. There it is."

"Wha...what makes you say that?" asked Hermione.

"I mean, we had our one-on-one, and that was great," said Dean.

"Yeah," said Hermione. "That's actually one of my favorite dates."

"Okay! Yes! And we have good times on group dates, at least, I think so."

"We do," said Hermione. "Of course we do. I always have a good time with you."

"But the rose always goes to someone else," said Dean. "I just wish I knew what other guys were doing to get these roses."

HERMIONE CAM: "Again with the roses! I'm kinda over these roses. They cause nothing but trouble."

"I don't want you to think of it that way," said Hermione.

"Well, how am I supposed to think of it?"

"When I give a rose, it usually means that person has gone above and beyond just showing me a good time on the date. Because you all do that. It means we've connected on a deeper level or something. I don't want you to try to get roses, because it shouldn't be about the rose, it should be about us. You need to focus on us, not on roses or the other guys in the house."

"That's really hard to do. You're asking me to go against everything that I'm naturally going to do in this situation."

"Well, I think it's a difference between seeing us as boyfriend and girlfriend having a relationship, and playing a game."

Dean shook his head. "I don't want to play a game with you."

"Good," said Hermione. "But you understand you sound like you are."

"The show's set up that way. I can't help it," said Dean.

Hermione sighed. "This is really frustrating because you're exactly the kind of guy I want to marry."

"Okay," said Dean, waiting for more.

"We're not going to get there if you're just going to say 'okay'..."

HERMIONE CAM: "Every other guy has told me exactly how they're feeling about me except for Dean."

"I don't know what you want me to say! I can't change how I feel about it."

"How do you feel about me?" Hermione asked.

"You are beautiful, and intelligent, and the kind of girl any guy would kill to be with," said Dean.

Hermione sighed.

HERMIONE CAM: "That's not enough any more."

"I can't give you this rose," said Hermione. "If that's all you have to say about this relationship, then I can't give you this rose."

"It's basically the same thing you said about me, so...?"

HERMIONE CAM: "I will never understand how me and Dean fell apart. Maybe the show got to him. Maybe he wasn't ready for this commitment. It sucks, because I can see the kind of man and husband he could be. But I'm not going to be that girl."

* * *

The crewman retrieved Dean's bags. Zach, who was returning from the gym, saw this and gasped. He knocked on everyone's doors to tell them the news.

RON CAM: "Blimey! I did _not_ see that coming."

HARRY CAM: "Maybe it's a good thing I wasn't on that? I mean, everyone thought Dean and Hermione were solid. I guess we just don't know everything that's going on behind the scenes. Maybe he was too confident."

* * *

Akoni took Dean to the airport.

"Yo, Akoni?" Dean asked. "What did I do wrong?"

"She is a beautiful, intelligent girl," said Akoni.

"That she is," said Dean. "And I lost her."

"You are young," said Akoni. "And you are obviously a nice guy. But you and Hermione just didn't have that special something. I do not know what it is."

"Yeah," said Dean. "I think you're right, man. Sucks, though."

"Yes," said Akoni. "It does suck. I see it with the other two. The way they talk to her, hold her hand, the way she reacts. You were a cute couple, but not in love."

"Ohh," said Dean, "so you think she loves Neville and Ron?"

"Yes," said Akoni. "I have not met the other guys yet, but if you asked me right now, she will marry one of them."

"I see," said Dean. "Thanks, man."

DEAN CAM: "I liked Hermione a lot. Definitely had a crush on her. Love, though. That's another thing entirely. And I'm not sure I even really thought about it. That's weird. Akoni's right. I wasn't ready for this. But I think I learned a lot about myself and about what I need out of a relationship. And what I need...is it not to be filmed and not to involve other men."

* * *

The remaining men gathered for breakfast the next morning. Their complimentary resort breakfast was served with a side of date card. Harry picked it up and opened it. "Alright, let's see. Harry, Zach, Justin, and Oliver. Let's dance under the stars. Hermione."

"OHHHH! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!" Zach exclaimed. "We're going to a luau!"

"How do you get that from that?" Harry asked.

"Context, bro! We're in Hawaii!" Zach said.

"He has a point. There's not been a luau yet, and that's gotta be a given on a Hawaiian set, right?" Justin said.

"I guess so," said Harry. "You coming, Oliver?"

"Huh? Of course, why wouldn't I?" Oliver responded.

Harry shrugged. "You acted like you might be thinking about leaving."

"I'm not going to make any decision until after seeing Hermione again," said Oliver.

"So you are thinking about it?" Ron clarified.

"I am questioning many things," said Oliver. "I'll just leave it at that."

HARRY CAM: "I'm worried about what it's going to do to Hermione when she hears about Oliver's conundrum. Like, if it were me in her shoes, the fact that he's considering going after another girl at all, even hypothetically, would be a deal breaker at this point. We are ridiculously close to an engagement. Hometowns are right around the corner. I don't know how Hermione could give him a rose, even if he says he wants to stay."

* * *

Their date was that evening. "Hello, boys," Hermione greeted them.

"Hello," they said. Hermione could pick out each of their individual voices and greeted them all individually.

"Okay, so, we're going to a luau," said Hermione.

"Woohooo!" Zach cried.

"Yes, awesome," said Hermione. "And it's just down the street, so we're actually walking to this date."

OLIVER CAM: "As we're walking to the date, a paranoia came over me. Like, I kept thinking I was seeing Katie everywhere. It was weird."

They were greeted at the luau by native Hawaiians who bestowed leis on them and showed them to their table at the front of the stage. Women danced the hula, and men pounded drums and danced with fire.

The dinner was roast pork, poi, and lomi salmon with beer to drink and haupia for dessert. Then the spotlight was thrown on the group. Gilderoy Lockhart came on stage in traditional Hawaiian dress. "We have a very special treat today!" Gilderoy announced. "We have a very lucky woman and four very lucky men competing for her love. Come on down, Harry Potter, Oliver Wood, Zacharias Smith, and Justin Finch-Fletchley!"

HARRY CAM: "And Hermione is extra lucky today, because she doesn't have to embarrass herself in front of strangers, but gets to sit back and watch!"

The men had no choice but to obey the show. They joined Gilderoy on stage. "Give them a hand, folks! Our men are going to learn a hula routine, then you'll all get to decide who was the best!"

OLIVER CAM: "We're all kinda over these gimmicks on dates. Just leave us alone, Gilderoy, and let us have time with Hermione. That's the reason we're all here."

ZACH CAM: Zach danced across the screen in a grass skirt, a coconut bra, and multiple leis.

HERMIONE CAM: "I'm kind of annoyed that the guys are being taken away from me, but, I'm really excited to see them hula dance."

They actually weren't away for too long, and they returned bare-chested in traditional Polynesian garb. The female hula instructor stood up front and lead the dance.

HERMIONE CAM: "I feel so bad for Oliver, Justin, and Harry because they are so over this, but Zach is just giving it his all. And because Zach is taking it so seriously, and the other three are so done, it makes it _that_ much funnier."

Zach decided about three-quarters through the dance he was going to go off script. He danced off the stage and took Hermione by the hand. She stood up and danced with him, and he lead her up onto the stage.

"Oh, wait, NO!" Hermione cried.

"Oh, yes," said Zach. "This night is about you."

The other guys decided to run with it.

"Yeah, HERMIONE!" Harry exclaimed, clapping. Justin and Oliver followed.

HERMIONE CAM: "Bollocks."

Hermione joined her boyfriends onstage and tried to follow the hula girl. She found it much more difficult than it looked. Zach, however, was a natural, and came up behind her to help her with the moves. The audience oohed and ahhed.

Gilderoy stepped onstage. "Well, what do you think, everyone? Do we have our luau king and queen?"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone shouted.

Gilderoy placed crowns of driftwood and coral on their heads. "Now let's all get up and dance with our lovely bachelorette and bachelors!"

Hermione took Zach's hand and lead him toward the more secluded part of the beach. "Where are we going?" he asked. "The luau..."

"To be alone? To talk? Don't you want that?" Hermione asked.

"Relax, Hermione," he said. "Let's enjoy the luau."

"I dunno. I feel like I've had enough," said Hermione.

Harry intervened. "Want to take a walk, Hermione?"

"Yes, please," said Hermione. "I'll be back, alright, Zach?"

"Uhhh...okay," said Zach.

ZACH CAM: "This is probably the only time I'll ever be here. I want to...you know... _be here_."

Harry and Hermione walked along the beach. "I totally get where you're coming from," he started. "These group dates are getting more and more unbearable."

"I wish I could just enjoy myself like he can, but I can't," said Hermione. "There's too much on my mind."

"I hear you," said Harry. "Hermione, there's been something on my mind for a while now that I think we need to discuss."

"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath.

"I just want to make sure you realize how much my life has changed since...what happened in China," said Harry.

"Oh, right," said Hermione. "No, we've talked about that."

"Yeah, but," he said, "Hermione, I am the most dangerous person to be right now. And if you're with me, you're also in danger. That's the fact. A life with me would be very different than the life you'd have with anyone else here. You'd be sacrificing a lot."

"Like what?" she asked.

"Normalcy," said Harry. "My life is not easy. It wouldn't be easy for you either. I can't give you a normal, happy family life."

"Why not?" asked Hermione. "Do you live under a rock?"

"Well, no, but..."

"I mean, of course I know you don't have much traditional _family,_ but my family would absolutely adore you and accept you as one of their own," said Hermione.

"And by doing so, put themselves in great danger! Do they even know what happened?"

"Yes," said Hermione. "They are even allowed to watch the show. They know everything."

"And what did they say about me?"

"They asked if you were okay and if you were returning," said Hermione. "They were genuinely worried about you. Harry, I've told you once, I've told you many times, that you being you isn't an issue for me. I like _you_. And if you're the one for me, I'm willing to take on whatever it is that comes with that. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else."

"I still feel like you don't get it," said Harry.

"How am I not getting it? Because I'm not pushing you away? Because I'm not going to do that," said Hermione. "Your situation is not scary to me or a turn-off. If anything it's the opposite. I admire you so much for what you've done, as an Auror and as a person. But there is one thing I won't accept."

"What's that?" asked Harry.

"You hiding from the Dark Lord for the rest of your life," said Hermione. "If we're together, we're not hiding. We're going to do everything a normal couple would do, okay?"

"But that's irresponsible!"

"No, it's not," said Hermione. "The Dark Lord _wants_ you to hide. But you're not hiding. You're on a TV show, at a Hawaiian luau, enjoying your life. That's what I want for us."

"But look where that got us!"

"Harry, what the heck brought this on?" Hermione asked, exasperated. "Just a month ago you were leading the charge. What happened?"

Harry sighed. "My feelings for you...have significantly increased since then."

"Oh," said Hermione, blushing.

"I'm taking things much more seriously than I was a month ago," said Harry, "because I'm falling in love with you. And the thought of you getting attacked again because of me is unacceptable."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take," said Hermione.

"But what if I'm not?" asked Harry.

Hermione grabbed him and kissed him. "I refuse to let this beat you," she whispered. "And I'm not letting you go because of this. Don't you dare try to leave, Harry. I won't let you. I'll send Gilderoy and Rita to bring you back."

"Well, how could I ever defeat Gilderoy?" Harry asked playfully.

"Let's go back and dance," said Hermione. "I'm feeling the party now."

"Sure," said Harry. They started to walk back hand-in-hand, and they were intercepted by Oliver.

"Hey," said Oliver, "can I borrow you for a moment?"

"Me or her?" Harry teased.

Oliver played along and grabbed Harry's arm. "See ya in a few, Hermione."

"Oh, stop!" Hermione giggled. "Sure, Oliver."

Harry left them, and they retreated to the beach behind the luau. Hermione smiled, and Oliver caught his breath as the moonlight illuminated her face.

OLIVER CAM: "Hermione and I have never had a difficult conversation. This is going to be a shock for her, and I feel bad for casting this cloud over a fun night, but it has to be done."

"So, Hermione," said Oliver, "remember when I told you about my friend Katie?"

"Oh, yeah," said Hermione. "Why? Is something wrong? Is she okay?"

"I feel so bad about this," said Oliver. "So, Katie came and found me here at the resort."

"Oh?" Hermione asked. "Why? What's wrong?"

Oliver sighed. "I feel sick."

"Oliver, please tell me what is happening?" Hermione asked, getting annoyed.

"I told you that there was no way that Katie would ever come between us," said Oliver.

"Right," said Hermione tentatively. "And I told you I was completely comfortable with you having a female best friend."

"Right," said Oliver. "Well, she told me she was in love with me and has always been."

"WHAT?!" Hermione shrieked. "Oh my gosh. What did you say?"

"I didn't know what to say! I totally froze! I wasn't expecting that at all!"

"Oh my goodness, Oliver! I'm so sorry. That's so hard," Hermione said, hugging him.

"I'm afraid I'm going to lose her forever," said Oliver.

"Yeah," Hermione said, sympathetically. She released him. "But if you're as good friends as you say you are, she'll come around. It'll just take time."

"Yeah, that's what one of the guys said, but, I'm not so sure," said Oliver. "She said she can't handle watching me chase after girls who don't love me as much as she does. It was really intense."

"Wow," said Hermione. Then, she asked the question she was dreading. "Do you...have feelings for her?"

"I've thought about it," said Oliver. "I never thought it would be worth the friendship. But now..."

"Hold on," said Hermione. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm not sure," said Oliver. "But I guess I'd ask you to also consider her when you hand out the roses tonight."

"Also consider another woman who is in love with you whom you may or may not have feelings for?" Hermione asked.

"What I'm saying is...if I'm not going to be _the one_ at the end, don't keep me around. I need to sort out this Katie thing," said Oliver.

"So...I'm confused," said Hermione. "Correct me if I'm wrong. What I'm hearing is you're going to treat Katie like some consolation prize if I don't pick you. Is that correct?"

"Uhhhhhh," Oliver stammered. "No, of course not. Let me rephrase. I don't want to hurt her any longer than I have to."

"She's clearly already hurt, and you don't _have_ to do anything. You're also not guaranteed to end up with _either_ of us. But you might need to make a decision now whether or not you want to be with me," said Hermione.

" _Of course_ I want to be with you!" Oliver exclaimed, flustered. "I wouldn't have come back after the Tom Riddle attack if that wasn't the case!"

"But now you're also thinking about another woman," said Hermione.

"Well, that's hardly my fault! I didn't Floo her out here! She came of her own accord!" Oliver said.

"Okay, okay, I see your point," said Hermione. "Hm, well, I guess I'll keep all that in mind."

"I'm really sorry, but, I felt like I had to tell you," said Oliver. "I've been out of whack all day."

"Right," said Hermione. "Well, let's go back and enjoy the luau!"

* * *

Back at the luau, Zach and Justin were dancing together while Harry watched. Hermione inserted herself between them, and Oliver caught up with Harry.

OLIVER CAM: "I'm really concerned that this Katie thing is going to cost me Hermione. I'm probably going to lose both my best friend and my girlfriend over this." He sighed.

Hermione spoke to both Zach and Justin alone before coming back to hand out the rose. She and the four men gathered around the a table. "Okay, everyone, today was in many ways a very strange and awkward date, but I actually ended up having a lot of fun. Thank you for reminding me that we don't need to be so serious all of the time. I'm giving this rose to someone who I'm really excited about the direction our relationship is going, and that person is Harry. Harry, will you accept this rose?"

"Absolutely," said Harry. "Thank you, Hermione."

Harry and Hermione walked hand-in-hand back to the resort while the other three men followed, fuming. Gilderoy stopped them when they returned.

"Hey, guys," said Gilderoy. "Can I borrow Hermione for a bit?"

"I suppose," said Harry.

Gilderoy pulled Hermione aside, leaving the four wondering. After about a minute, they returned. "Okay, gentlemen, if you'll just wait right here, I'll get Ron and Neville, and we'll be having our rose ceremony."

ZACH CAM: "We're going to have the rose ceremony now?! This show is a roller coaster of emotion, man!"

OLIVER CAM: "I've never been more nervous for a rose ceremony in my life."

"I know this is a shock," said Hermione. "It was a shock to me too. But seeing as I've already spent time with all of you today, and only three of you don't have roses yet, we're just going to get it over with."

Gilderoy returned with Ron and Neville and a plate of roses.

JUSTIN CAM: "And we had to go get Ron and Neville because...? Is Hermione going to take one of the roses back?"

"Thank you, everyone, for being willing to do this now. I honestly had an amazing week with you, so thank you. I'm becoming more confident that my husband is among you. The person I am letting go today is someone that I am just not confident is ready for the kind of commitment that marriage entails," said Hermione. She picked up the first rose. "Justin."

Justin grinned and stepped forward. "Justin, will you accept this rose?" Hermione asked.

"Every time," he said. He took his place beside Ron, Neville, and Harry.

Oliver and Zach shuffled anxiously back and forth, looking from Hermione to the final rose. Hermione picked it up and looked at them both. "Zach," she said.

Zach breathed a sigh of relief, and Oliver hung his head. "Zach will you accept this rose?" she asked.

"Absolutely," said Zach.

"Oliver, can I talk to you?" Hermione asked.

"Uh-huh," he said.

She took his arm and took him away from the other men. "Oliver, I want you to know, this was a really difficult decision for me," she said.

"It seemed like you made it pretty quickly," he said.

"I just felt like...if Katie's coming here was so distressing to you, that you were doubting our relationship," said Hermione. "And none of the other men have doubted us like that."

"Damn it!" Oliver exclaimed. "I can never do anything right!"

"Oliver, no. We had a great time. I enjoyed being with you so much. It just obviously isn't right right now," said Hermione.

Oliver had tears in his eyes. "Alright, Hermione. See you around."

"Yeah," said Hermione, going to hug him again, but he left before her arms reached him.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thank you, everyone, for your kind words of encouragement! I was worried that people were going to forget this story (I definitely didn't, this chapter was just such a monster to write plus school starting up again really ate up my time), but it feels like the more time that passed, the MORE followers and reviews I got. I hope this chapter lives up to the hype. It's hometowns, ya'll! Enjoy.**

* * *

After the rose ceremony, the planning team met to finalize the week ahead. "Interesting," said Rita. "We have five men left. Based on Hermione's projected course, we were planning for one more week before hometowns, but sending Dean home put us down a man."

"We've never had a five-man week before," said her underling. "How do we arrange this? Three dates and a two-on-one?"

"Well, it'll either be Zach or Justin going home," said another.

"We don't know that," said the first. "None of us thought either of them would make it this far. But that Katie incident really screwed things for Oliver."

"I got it!" Rita exclaimed. "We'll start with the two-on-one, which she'll undoubtedly pick Zach and Justin, and then we'll go immediately into hometowns."

"But the men have to arrange that with their families," said the underling. "Will there be enough time?"

"We'll make time!" Rita exclaimed. "I can't sit through an extra week of lovey-dovey! The drama's all done. Time to fast-track to the proposal so we can move on to the next season."

* * *

The men stepped out of the Floo, eagerly awaiting the location reveal. "OHHHHH YEAH!" Zach shouted when he stepped out. "Oh, wait, we're back in London."

"Huh," said Justin. "I guess we're having another quiet week, then. Hey, where are the others?" Zach and Justin looked behind them. Harry, Ron, and Neville had stepped into the Floo as well, but they weren't coming out. "Bloody hell, do you think they're lost?" asked Justin.

"I don't like this," said Zach. "Where's Gilderoy? Gilderoy is always here to greet us."

"On second thought, maybe _we're_ the ones who are lost," said Justin.

Hermione came around the corner in a casual black dress. "Hey, guys," she said.

Zach yelped, then exhaled in relief when he saw her. "Hermione, bloody hell. What's going on?"

"Sit down," she said, gesturing to the white couch pit. The pit could fit about twenty people, and it felt silly sitting down just the three of them. The entire room felt incredibly empty, even with all of the camera men. "So, Zach, Justin, I've brought you here because the producers need us to move immediately into hometowns."

"Oh, all right!" Zach exclaimed. "I can't wait to tell Mum and Dad."

Hermione put her hand on Zach's shoulder. "I can only take one of you."

Justin sighed. "I had a bad feeling about this."

"So, we're having a little two-on-one date today," said Hermione. "At Stonehenge. It should be really cool. And then...I'll have to make a decision."

"And Harry, Ron, and Neville?" asked Justin.

"They've already been informed and are preparing for hometown dates," said Hermione.

"Got it," said Zach. "Okay then." He reached across to shake Justin's hand. "May the best man win."

Justin nodded politely.

JUSTIN CAM: "I don't know how I'm feeling about this. I'm kinda hurt that I wasn't fast-tracked through like the other three. And I have no clue where I stand in relation to Zach. My gut tells me I have the stronger relationship, but Zach has squeaked through so many times already. I really think I could be cut today."

HERMIONE CAM: "I hate that this is how it has to be. I wish I could have full dates with both of them, but on the other hand, that would just be postponing the inevitable. I guess we'll just rip off the band-aid."

* * *

They took a Portkey to Stonehenge. The attraction had been shut down, and a lunch had been set out for them. "Stonehenge," Justin said in awe. "The first wizard cemetery in the British Isles."

"I have ancestors here," said Zach. "Somewhere. At least, that's what my grandma always says, and she can be a little cuckoo."

"No way," said Hermione. "That's awesome, if it's true, you know."

Zach sat down and popped the bottle of champagne. "To my nameless relatives!"

"You know, we probably all have some ancestor here if you think about it," said Justin. "Even if we're muggle born. We had to come from somewhere down the line."

"Kinda makes this feel like this is an inappropriate place to have a date," said Hermione.

"Well, let's be real here," said Zach. "This isn't a date. This is more like a death match."

Hermione and Justin laughed. It was strangely true. "Well, in that case, this is an incredibly appropriate location," said Justin.

They sat down and ate together. "Thank you," Hermione said.

"For what?" asked Justin.

"For being so cool about this," said Hermione. "Two-on-ones are supposed to be so cold and awkward. But this is actually fun."

"It's still awkward for me," said Justin, "but I know what you mean."

"To be fair, the bar for two-on-ones has been set pretty low with you," said Zach.

Justin kicked him under the table, but Hermione laughed again. "I had the worst two-on-one in the history of two-on-ones. But this is kinda the best."

JUSTIN CAM: "How charming! Hermione is having an amazing time deciding which of us to send home!"

"I just figure," said Zach, "if this is the last time we're going to be together, we should make the best of it."

"Cheers to that," said Hermione. "Gods, this is weird. It's depressing and morbid and awesome all at the same time."

"Well, let's keep this party rolling," said Justin. "Hermione, would you like to come with me?"

"Sure," said Hermione. She took his arm, waved tentatively to Zach, and walked with Justin a safe distance from the structure. "So," said Hermione, "I know we've talked about your family before. They're very different from mine."

"Why's that now?" asked Justin.

"Well, you know," said Hermione. "You come from considerably more money than I do."

"That's really nothing to me," said Justin. "You know that."

"I know, but I'm just warning you," said Hermione. "If I go to your hometown, I'm going to be a huge dork."

"Stop it," Justin laughed. "We're no different than anyone else. Really. You don't have to follow any special etiquette or anything."

"But they _do_ have a butler," said Hermione.

"Oh yes," said Justin, "but Sheldon is like one of the family. Don't worry, Hermione. You're going to fit in great. They're going to absolutely love you. Hermione, I feel like we've been drifting apart, and I really don't want that to happen."

"Me neither," said Hermione. "You've been a standout to me for a long time."

"Really?" asked Justin.

"Of course," said Hermione. "You're sweet, and kind, and loyal, and everything I could want in a husband."

"Why do I feel like there's a 'but' coming?" said Justin.

"There isn't," said Hermione. "But…"

"You just said it!"

"Well, I'm sorry. You are right that we've been drifting apart. And I'm going to be 100% honest with you. It's because...the three that are already preparing for hometowns have expressed in no uncertain terms how they feel about me. And I was really hoping to hear similar words from you at the luau, and I didn't," said Hermione. "And I'll be honest. I was hurt."

"Oh, wow," said Justin. "I certainly didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know you didn't," said Hermione. "You had no idea. But it's hard, you know, when you like someone so much and you're not sure if they're feeling the same thing about you."

Justin blushed. "Well, I am sorry if I've not been upfront enough with you. It's very hard for me. My parents got divorced, and it messed with me kinda. I told myself I wouldn't marry anyone unless I knew 100% that it was right. That I wouldn't say those three words unless I knew for sure it was going to be forever. Because I mean it, Hermione. When I get married, it will be forever."

"And that's wonderful," said Hermione. "I love that you're still open to love even after seeing how it can fail. But tell me, Justin. Do you really think I could be _that girl_ for you?"

"Absolutely," he said, drawing her in for a gentle kiss.

* * *

Hermione and Justin returned, and Zach stood up, ready for his turn. Justin sat down and resumed drinking his glass of brut rose, and Zach took Hermione's hand and lead her in the opposite direction.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," Zach said as they strolled along the countryside.

"Zach, Zach, Zach," Hermione repeated. "What am I going to do with you?"

"I was just reflecting," said Zach, "on how amazed I am that I'm still here."

Hermione threw her head back and laughed. "What can I say?" Hermione asked. "I like you."

"Well, I like you too," said Zach. "In fact, I think I might love you."

"Oh, you love me?" Hermione repeated to ensure she had heard correctly.

"I feel like I'm right on the cusp," said Zach, "of falling madly in love with you."

"Oh, wow," said Hermione. "I don't know what to say. I'm flattered."

"So," said Zach awkwardly.

"So," said Hermione.

Zach pulled her in for a kiss.

HERMIONE CAM: "This decision just got exponentially harder. I feel more compatible with Justin, but Zach has expressed in no uncertain terms how he feels. I could see myself going to either of their hometowns. They're both just such good guys. I don't want to break one of their hearts." She started to cry softly. "I just don't know. I really don't." She reached into her bag and pulled out a phone. "I need to use a phone-a-friend on this one."

* * *

Luna was scanning her house for Nargles when Hermione called. "Hermione!" she exclaimed. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

Hermione sniffed. "I need help, Luna. I don't know what to do. I have to pick between two guys right now to take to hometowns, and I don't know who."

"Okay, okay, um, who do you like better?" Luna asked.

"Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't be calling you!" Hermione snapped.

"Right, right," said Luna. "So you feel like you like them both equally."

"I like them _differently_ , but I don't think one is necessarily better than the other," said Hermione. "The first guy is everything I'd ever wanted in a husband. And it's been kinda slow, but a very easy, dare I say satisfying progression of our relationship. I know we could be a great couple, but my concern is that he's not going to get there fast enough."

"Right," said Luna. "Because if you're at hometowns, then engagements are right around the corner!"

"Yes!" said Hermione. "Engagement, singular, Luna. I only want _one_ engagement. He's the only guy who hasn't said he loves me or is falling in love with me."

"That's problematic," said Luna.

"But the second guy," said Hermione, "is completely different. I liked him, but on the surface, I wasn't sure that we were compatible. It's kind of an opposites attract scenario. He has grown on me so much over these weeks, and he has actually helped me through some really stressful times. Today, he said he is falling madly in love with me."

"Hermione! That's so exciting!" exclaimed Luna.

"It is! I'm blushing," said Hermione. "But it makes this decision that much harder."

"Right," said Luna. "Sounds like you were hoping for that kind of declaration from the other guy more."

"I was," said Hermione. "So I feel stuck. I don't think I can wait around for guy #1 any more."

"I mean, I don't want to make your decision for you, but," Luna said. "Remember when I was in love with that punk rock chick?"

"Oh my goodness, yes," said Hermione. "We all knew she was stringing you along, but you just kept holding out for her to reciprocate."

"Exactly. Like I said, I don't want to make your decision for you, but I feel like this situation with guy #1 is similar. You are looking for someone to get engaged to. You don't want to always be wondering if he is as into you as you are him. It really sounds like he's not," said Luna.

"But," said Hermione.

"Do what you want," said Luna. "But guy #2 sounds pretty awesome. Maybe if you get rid of #1, you'll be able to see him better."

"Interesting," said Hermione. "I didn't realize this had become such a problem until now. Okay. Thanks, Luna."

"No problem. See you and your betrothed soon!"

Hermione giggled and hung up. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

"Justin," Hermione said firmly when she returned. "I need to talk to you again."

"Uhhh...okay," said Justin. He raised his eyebrows at Zach, and Zach made a scared face.

ZACH CAM: "Hermione has been gone for a really long time, and her tone doesn't sound good. I felt like our conversation went really well. What the heck did Justin say to her? That guy wouldn't hurt a Pygmy puff. What the heck is happening?" Zach reached down and cracked open a beer. "I feel like the rose is going to wilt before Hermione makes a decision."

When they were out of the way, Hermione took Justin's hands and looked him directly in the eyes. "Justin," she repeated, "I can't give you a rose today if you don't tell me with great certainty what you feel for me."

"Huh? Hermione, I did tell you," said Justin. "Where is this coming from?"

"You said you think I could be the girl for you," said Hermione.

"Correct," said Justin. "I don't see how that's the problem."

"I feel like that's something you say about someone you went on one or two dates with," said Hermione. "Not someone you're potentially going to get engaged to."

Justin stammered. "I...there's still time. You know I need more time."

Hermione sighed. "Look, Justin. I have four guys who are dying for me to meet their families. And then I have you. Someone who I have had a huge crush on throughout this entire process. But I still feel like it's just a crush. I can't move beyond this weird schoolgirl feeling if you don't give me anything more."

"I don't know what else you want me to give you! If you want me to say the L-word, you know I can't just yet! But if you give me the rose, which you _clearly_ want to do, then I'll see if I get there!"

Hermione sighed deeper. "Okay," she said.

"Alright?" Justin asked. Hermione turned abruptly back to Stonehenge. "Hermione?!" Justin called, trailing her.

Hermione plopped down beside Zach and picked up the rose. "I've made my decision," she said.

"Wait for me," Justin said, panting. He sat down.

Hermione glanced at him coldly and picked up the rose. "Zach," she said. "Will you accept this rose?"

"YES!" he cried, throwing his arms around her and giving her a huge kiss.

"Oh, come on!" Justin said. "Is that actually what you want?"

"Bro," said Zach. "I'm sorry. You're a good man. You'll find someone."

"I can't believe this is happening," said Justin.

"Justin, I'm sorry," said Hermione. "What we had just obviously wasn't as strong."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't jump on you every time I see you," said Justin.

"Your loss, man," said Zach. "Hermione deserves to be showered with affection. If you can't see that, then, I'm sorry." He put his arm around her and kissed her on the cheek.

Then Justin actually smiled. He extended his hand to Zach. "Well, it's been nice getting to know you, man."

"You too," said Zach.

Justin nodded to Hermione and waved tentatively before departing.

JUSTIN CAM: "I hope that one day I look at a woman the way Zach looks at Hermione. He's right. She deserves it. I'm not sure that they'll get married, but, they're obviously happy together. I think I have a lot of soul searching to do before I'll be able to have what they have."

* * *

"SIRIUS!" Harry shouted, bursting through the fireplace.

Sirius was lying in his boxers eating Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans and drinking Butterbeer. Harry's abrupt appearance caused him to spill them both. "Merlin's beard, Harry! What's wrong? Are you in any trouble?" He grabbed his wand and stood up at the ready.

"Oh, no, sorry," said Harry.

Sirius dropped his wand. "Well, then, what the bloody hell is this?"

"Hometowns," Harry said. "Hermione Granger. I'm in the final four."

Sirius's jaw dropped. He sat back down. "You've got yourself a girlfriend?" he asked.

Harry grinned. "Yeah," he answered.

"And she wants to..."

"Meet my family," said Harry. He gestured to Sirius and raised his eyebrows.

"Well, then," said Sirius. "I guess we better get the family together."

* * *

HERMIONE CAM: "Today is my hometown date with Harry, and I have no idea what to expect. Harry doesn't have a traditional family. I know I'm going to meet his godfather, who he thinks the absolute world of. I know that I will _not_ be meeting his muggle family, which is fine by me! Otherwise I'm not sure what he has in store for me. I'm excited and nervous."

The pegasus-drawn carriage dropped Hermione off at Godric's Hollow. Harry was eagerly awaiting her.

HARRY CAM: "I have brought very few girls where I'm bringing Hermione today, and I feel completely confident in bringing her into my inner circle. I do not have a traditional family, but I wouldn't trade what I have for the world. I know they're going to love Hermione, and I think she's going to fit right in."

Harry and Hermione embraced warmly and kissed. "Welcome to Godric's Hollow," said Harry.

"It is so cute!" Hermione gushed. "And my goodness, the wizards who have lived here! Who _still_ live here! Which one is...?"

"My house is right over there," said Harry, pointing to one of the more modest houses.

"Right," said Hermione, still looking around.

HERMIONE CAM: "I was looking for Dumbledore's house."

"Would you like to come in?" Harry asked.

"Let's do it," said Hermione.

Harry and Hermione walked arm-in-arm through the village.

HERMIONE CAM: "I haven't set foot in Harry's house, but I love this place. I could definitely see myself living here. What witch wouldn't want to live in Godric's Hollow? It's just perfect!"

They entered Harry's house, and Hermione started to laugh.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

"It's so...it reminds me of the house I grew up in," Hermione said.

"Really?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, it's... _muggley,_ " said Hermione.

Harry laughed. "I get that a lot," he said. "Cheeto?"

"Please!" Hermione exclaimed, reaching into the orange bag. She looked around.

"You're not meeting anyone here," said Harry. "We're going to ****************."

"What's that now?" Hermione asked.

"It's where my godfather lives," said Harry. He looked at the cameraman. "You're going to edit that, right?"

"Yes, sir," said the cameraman.

"Wait, what's going on?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione, I'm taking you to meet the Order of the Phoenix," said Harry. "The location is secret."

"Oh, wow!" Hermione exclaimed. "I expected I'd meet your godfather, but...who, exactly, else am I meeting?"

"Let's see. Remus Lupin, he was also my dad's friend. Minerva McGonagall, Albus Dumbledore..."

Hermione choked on a Cheeto. "ALBUS DUMBLEDORE?!"

"Yeah," said Harry, as if that was the most normal thing in the world.

HERMIONE CAM: "Harry is really overdoing it on this hometown date."

"What's wrong, Hermione? You look pale," said Harry.

"I'm just...a little intimidated, is all," said Hermione.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Harry. "I just wanted to have something resembling a family to introduce you to."

"No, it's fine," said Hermione. "Just very overwhelming. I'm glad I asked in any case."

"It's weird, but, they really are my family," said Harry. "They were the first people that made me feel loved."

Hermione smiled. "I can't wait to meet them."

They sat down on the couch together and kissed some more.

HERMIONE CAM: "Harry is being so vulnerable with me right now. I can see how much this all means to him and how carefully he planned it."

Hermione found a picture on the mantle of what she originally thought was Harry and another girl.

"Oh, who is this?" she asked, half teasing, half actually curious.

"My mum and dad," said Harry.

Hermione gasped and brought the picture closer to her face. "Oh wow! I thought that was _you_! Oh, that is spooky," she said. "You look. EXACTLY. Like your dad!"

"Haha, yeah, I've heard-"

"Oh, except your eyes. You've got-"

"My mum's eyes, yes, I've heard that too."

Hermione giggled. "I'm sorry. But wow. Just wow, Harry. Thank you for bringing me here."

"Before we go to *******************, I want to show you one more thing," said Harry. "Come on."

They left Harry's house and walked to the graveyard. They weren't far from the house when Harry stopped. Hermione caught her breath when she saw where they were. The gravestone in front of them read "IN LOVING MEMORY OF JAMES POTTER * LILY POTTER. THE LAST ENEMY THAT SHALL BE DESTROYED IS DEATH."

"Hey, Mum, Dad," said Harry, "this is Hermione. And I am totally and completely crazy about her. I might even love her."

Hermione clapped her hands over her face to try to stop the tears, but they started flowing. Harry had tears in his eyes too, and he stood up and embraced her.

HARRY CAM: "I knew I had to take Hermione to my parents' grave. I just couldn't call this a 'hometown date' if I didn't introduce her to my parents. I knew it wouldn't be fun, but Hermione is being really great about it."

"Come on," Harry whispered. "Let's go have some fun."

* * *

Ron apparated into the Burrow. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID TO PLEASE USE THE STAIRS?!" Molly Weasley shouted.

"Mum?" Ron said.

The dishes Molly was washing fell to the floor. "RONALD!" she shrieked, stepping over the broken porcelain to embrace him. "Oh, Ronald, I'm so sorry! Oh, you'll find someone, I know-"

"I'm bringing her home," Ron said.

Molly clutched Ron by the shoulders and stared into his eyes. "Say that again?"

"I'm bringing her home," Ron repeated. "Hermione. I got a hometown."

"ARTHUR!" Molly shrieked. "WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE! RONALD IS BRINGING THE BACHELORETTE HOME!"

Arthur Weasley stomped down the creaky steps. "Another one?!"

Molly grabbed her husband and kissed him. "Our boys are studs!"

"Ew, Mum, no," said Ron.

"Now, Astoria is high class! We've gotta get this place cleaned!" Molly declared.

"It's not Astoria! Astoria is in the hospital! It's Hermione!" Ron protested. "Blimey, Mum, haven't you been following the news?"

"Oh, Ron, you know how I love to be surprised!" Molly said.

"She put a censor charm on all knowledge about the show," Arthur explained.

"But wait! She knows about...the incident, right?" Ron asked.

Arthur looked at Molly. "I'm not sure," he said honestly.

"DAD!" Ron cried.

"Don't worry, don't worry, son, we'll get her caught up," said Arthur. "Congratulations, son!"

* * *

Harry and Hermione took a Portkey to Number 12 Grimmauld Place.

"HARRY!" cried the assembly of wizards within. Harry's jaw dropped. Sirius clapped his hand on Harry's back, a Butterbeer in the other.

"Hiya, Harry!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Sirus...why is everybody here?" asked Harry.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked. "You said to assemble the family."

"Yeah, but, _everybody_?" asked Harry. "I thought it'd just be, you know, the greatest hits. Remus, maybe Minerva and Dumbledore, not..."

Mad-Eye Moody had approached Hermione. "I hear you're the brightest witch of your age," said Moody.

"Erm, yes," said Hermione uncomfortably. "Harry?"

"I'm sorry, Hermione," said Harry. He took her hand and walked her to the head of the table. "Everybody, this is Hermione Granger!"

"Hooray!" they shouted, raising their glasses.

Mundungus Fletcher took her hand and placed a goblet of Butterbeer in it. "Oh, thank you," said Hermione.

He winked at Harry. "Very pretty, Harry!"

"Oh, thank you," said Hermione.

"FILTH! SCUM! TRAITORS! DIRTY M**B****S, HOW DARE THEY INVITE THIS HUSSY INTO THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK! MAY THE DARK LORD STRIKE YOU ALL DOWN IN YOUR SLEEP!" shouted Walburga.

"Oh, Merlin's beard, shut her up!" Harry pleaded.

"I'm on it!" said Sirius. "NIGHTY-NIGHT, YOU OLD HAG!" he shouted at the picture before placing a silencing charm on her.

Walburga uttered a mighty "WH*******RE!" before being silenced.

Hermione laughed uncomfortably. "We can't removed the picture," Harry explained.

"I see," said Hermione. "She's intense. So this used to be..."

"The Blacks' house, yeah," said Harry.

"Very sorry about that there, Hermione," said Sirius. "Ladies and gentlemen, where are our manners? Let's get Hermione a seat, shall we?"

"Over here, dear," said Minerva McGonagall, pulling out a chair. "Harry?"

"Oh, yes, of course," said Harry. He shuffled over and held the chair out for Hermione, who sat graciously.

"Let me propose a toast," said Dumbledore, "to Harry and Hermione."

"To Harry and Hermione," the Order repeated.

Arabella Figg took her fork and started clinking it against the glass. "Oh, no, dear," said Minerva, "this isn't a wedding."

"I'll play along," said Hermione. She turned Harry's face towards her and kissed him.

Gasps of "awwwwwwww" and "oooooooooh" echoed throughout the room.

Kreacher entered carrying a platter of food. "May the Dark Lord strike you all down in your sleep," he said as he levitated the rolls and salads onto the table.

"Oh, my," said Hermione. "I wonder where he learned that one from?"

"Yeah, sorry," said Harry.

Sirius sighed. "Keep your mouth shut, Kreacher. So, Hermione, I'll ask the questions on everyone's minds. Why Harry?"

Hermione smiled and took Harry's hand. "I mean, Harry and I have been through a lot together."

"That's an understatement," said Harry.

"But let's not talk about all that," said Hermione. "I guess what drew me to Harry was...his confidence. But also humbleness. Like, he's confident, but he's not an asshole about it. And very knowledgeable about Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Our first one-on-one date was in Diagon Alley," said Harry. "We had quite an experience with a weird fortune teller."

"Oh, my gods, I almost forgot about her," said Hermione.

"How could you forget her? She told me I was going to die, and...oh my gods, _she was almost right_!" Harry said.

Hermione's eyes bulged. "Okay, I'm officially freaked out now."

"A fortune teller being _almost_ right? Fancy that," said Remus with a twinkle in his eye.

"So yeah, we've been through some weird things together," said Hermione. "But I feel like it's all drawn us closer."

"Definitely," said Harry.

* * *

After dinner, Sirius and Remus pulled Harry aside. Hermione continued talking to the Order when Minerva said, "Hermione, dear, why don't we take a little walk as well?"

"Oh, okay," said Hermione, who was really hoping to continue her discussion with Dumbledore on the most influential wizards in history. But Dumbledore volunteered to come along as well.

HERMIONE CAM: "I see what's happening. Sirius and Remus are like Harry's parents, and Minerva and Dumbledore are the grandparents. It's cute."

"I'm sorry, dear," McGonagall began. "I know this must be very overwhelming. I told Sirius it was a bad idea, but he insisted."

"It's fine," said Hermione. "I'm actually having a really good time."

"Good," said McGonagall. "I know it is not very traditional, but it is all Harry has known."

"I understand," said Hermione. "I actually felt like, from talking to him, that I already knew all of you, and seeing you in the flesh is very surreal. Especially, you, Mr. Dumbledore."

"Oh, please, Hermione, call me Albus," said Dumbledore.

Hermione squealed internally. "Albus," she said.

"Well, Hermione, I am going to be frank with you," said McGonagall. "I am very concerned for Harry."

"Oh, right," said Hermione. "He actually almost left because he was worried about the Dark Lord attacking again, and me getting hurt. But I said-"

"Oh, goodness, dear, not that! We can control that," said McGonagall with a wave of her hand. "I mean _you_ , dear. Mr. Potter is obviously quite smitten. But there are, I understand, _three_ other gentlemen?"

McGonagall's sweet grandmother demeanor had shifted in an instant, and she peered at Hermione over her bifocals with an icy stare. Hermione stumbled. "Oh, uhh, yes, three others."

"I see," said McGonagall curtly. "Seems hardly fair to me that you get to date around while the gentlemen only have one option."

"Minerva, please," said Dumbledore. "The show is complicated, yes, but if played right, real love can come of it."

"In nine weeks? I don't buy it," said Minerva.

"When it's right, it's right," Dumbledore retorted. "Miss Granger, I do hope that in this process, you are following your heart, yes?"

"Oh, absolutely," said Hermione. "But, I will say, the heart sometimes can be fickle. So if my mind tells me something isn't right, then I take that into consideration."

"Smart girl," said McGonagall. "If I may ask, are there any other Gryffindors left?"

"Hm?"

"Minerva, stop," said Dumbledore. "Spoilers!"

"I'm not going to watch this nonsense back, Albus," said McGonagall. "I must know what our Harry is up against. It is my institution, after all."

"There's actually been a joke that I favor Gryffindors. I don't do it on purpose. There are two other Gryffindors and a Hufflepuff."

McGonagall smiled. "You have excellent taste, Hermione."

"It's Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom," said Hermione.

"AHHH LA LA LA LA LA," Dumbledore cried, clapping his hands to his ears.

"Really? Now _that_ surprises me. They are very different from Harry," said McGonagall.

"Yes, I know," said Hermione. "I have a tough decision ahead of me, and I'm not looking forward to it."

"Oh, dear, our Harry, as you know, is strong," said Minerva.

"Absolutely," said Hermione.

"But if you'd ask me, I think that of the three, Harry is the most emotionally vulnerable," said McGonagall.

"Really?" Hermione asked.

"Yes," said McGonagall. "Longbottom is strong as a rock within."

"I'm aware, even if he isn't," said Hermione.

"And Ronald has such an outgoing personality, he will bounce back easily. But Harry...he projects confidence, but he has had a rough life. I think that if you broke up with him, he would take it very hard," said McGonagall. "So if you have any doubts about your feelings for him, then best let him go sooner rather than later, understand? Do not take him to the end if you will not choose him."

"Uh-huh," said Hermione. "Unfortunately I'm still in the dark as to who I will choose. But I will keep that in mind. Thank you."

"Hermione, dear," said Dumbledore, taking her hand. "I'd like to propose something slightly different. While Minerva makes some very good points, I hope you will remember, at the end of the day, this is about you."

"Oh," said Hermione, taken aback.

"Albus, what are you saying?" McGonagall asked.

"You must do what you need to do to make the best decision possible for you," said Dumbledore. "Does that sound selfish? Good. It _is_ selfish. In selecting a mate, you cannot cut corners. Leave no stone unturned. Dig deeply and even uncomfortably into who these men are, because that is the only way you will know," said Dumbledore.

"Oh, I get it," said Hermione. "Right, thank you. Selfish, that's kind of a new take."

"I'm not done," said Dumbledore. "This is a selfish process, but the one you ultimately choose, must be the one that you can give yourself selflessly too. If you cannot do that, your marriage will not succeed."

Hermione smiled. "A paradox, but it makes sense. Okay, thank you."

"Okay, I think we've tortured her enough," said Minerva. "Where is Potter?"

Potter was smoking a cigar with Sirius and Remus. Hermione wondered what they had been discussing, because it seemed much less intense than her conversation had been.

"Hey, you're wanted in the other room," said Hermione.

"Okay," said Harry. "I hope they weren't too hard on you."

"They were, but, it was a _good_ hard," said Hermione.

"Okay," said Harry. "Here goes nothing."

Harry left the bedroom, and Sirius patted the bed beside him, while Remus was leaning against the wall. Hermione sat down.

"I'm going to be honest," said Sirius. "This whole thing surprises me a great deal. Not that you would pick him-"

"Well, that's also a little surprising," said Remus.

"I mean, the fact that Harry applied at all!" Sirius exclaimed. "He's so unpracticed with courting girls, and then he decides to go on a show where his skills are literally tested against twenty-five other men? I didn't even realize he was looking for a wife."

"Really? He said he was lonely," said Hermione.

"Look around, Sirius," said Remus. "His best friends are all out there, and they're all old and weird. Of course he was looking for someone. And he hit a goldmine with you, Hermione!"

"Moony, don't creep her out," said Sirius.

"I'm not trying to be creepy! It's a compliment! Hermione, you are the best thing that's happened to Harry. I truly believe that," said Remus.

"Oh, wow, thank you," said Hermione.

"I hope Minerva didn't grill you too hard," said Sirius.

"Well," Hermione started, "I understand where she's coming from. I was pretty skeptical about this show myself in the beginning."

"There's no formula for love," said Remus. "And I hope you find it. With or without Harry."

"But we do sincerely hope with Harry," said Sirius. "I reckon he likes you more than he's let on."

"He's already let on quite a bit," said Hermione.

"Really?" asked Sirius. "Well, good. We'd love to have you back, Hermione."

"I'd love to come back," said Hermione.

"Are you sure?" asked Sirius.

"Really," said Hermione.

She hugged Sirius and Remus, then said goodbye to the rest of the Order before taking the Portkey back to Godric's Hollow. They poofed back into Harry's living room.

"So," Harry said. "What did you think?"

"They're wonderful, Harry," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "I thought I understood Harry, but seeing him here and meeting his 'family' opened my eyes to a whole new side of him. I really had to go there to understand it. Harry is not a simple person, but I love that about him."

"They really like you," said Harry.

The crewman held up a sign that said, "SAY GOODBYE."

Hermione sighed. She didn't want to say goodbye, but she did as she was told. She had another hometown date tomorrow.

* * *

The next day the pegasus-drawn carriage took Hermione to Devonshire. She met Ron by a lighthouse.

"Hermione! Welcome to my home!" Ron cried.

Hermione laughed. "It's cute!"

They hugged and kissed. "So, this is Devonshire," he said.

"Very nice," said Hermione.

"It's alright," said Ron, "if you like coastal beaches. And sheep."

"I do," laughed Hermione.

"Are you hungry?" asked Ron.

"Sure," said Hermione.

"Cool," said Ron. "Let's go to the spot."

Ron took her arm, and they appareated to a coastal town. A white building near them said, "The Wizard Brewing Company."

"Oh," said Hermione. She walked towards the front door, but Ron pulled her away.

"We've got a special entrance," said Ron with a wink.

Ron lead Hermione around the back and into a grove of trees. In the center was a stump with a wizard carved into the top. He tapped the wizard with his wand, and it glowed. The stump sank into the ground and formed the first steps downward into a tunnel. "After you, mi'lady," said Ron.

"Pleasure," said Hermione.

At the end of the tunnel was a lively wizarding tavern with a Celtic woods theme. Two tall, red-haired wizards gave a shout when Ron and Hermione entered.

"LOVERBOY!" they cried simultaneously.

"Oh my," Hermione whispered.

"I'll take it," said Ron. "Their name for Bill was 'Man Whore.' HEY GUYS!"

Fred and George each had a pint of beer in hand and flanked Ron and Hermione on either side. "Gonna introduce us to your lady friend?" asked Fred.

"Of course," said Ron. "Hermione, these are two of my brothers, Fred and George."

"Oh, the twins," said Hermione.

"No, we're not twins," said George.

"Wait until you see them! _I_ can't even tell them apart!" said Fred.

Hermione threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

"Fleur fell for that," said George. "Fred, we're going to have to up our game. This one is way too smart."

"Gosh, you're right," said Fred. "What the heck are you doing with this dunce?" He rapped Ron a little less than lightly on the head.

"So, when Bill brought his women over, they were a little overwhelmed by all of us, so I decided to break it up a bit," said Ron.

"Good thinking," said Hermione, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Ahh, is that all you've got?" asked George.

"Piss off," said Ron, pushing through the two of them to the bar.

FRED CAM: "Bill had already seen three of the women naked by the time hometowns came around."

GEORGE CAM: "I don't think Ron has seen so much as side boob."

FRED CAM: "George and I are the first line of defense here."

GEORGE CAM: "We need to make sure Hermione is good enough for Ron."

FRED CAM: "Now we think that Ron is not good enough for her."

GEORGE CAM: "So we need to make sure that Ron looks as good as possible on this hometown."

FRED CAM: "Or terrible, so that she can move on to bigger and better things."

GEORGE CAM: "There are a few things we need to know before we come to a decision."

They sat down at the bar with Fred and George and a basket of chips. Fred asked, "So, really, what do you like about Ron here?"

"Well," said Hermione, setting down her beer, "Ron was actually one of the guys who made me feel the most comfortable from day one."

"Really?" asked George. "So he wasn't awkward as hell?"

"Oh, he totally was," said Hermione. "But so was I. So it worked out, and I asked him on a first-week one-on-one date."

"Which bloody scared the crap out of me!" Ron quipped. "This one took me to ride a Hippogriff!"

"Well, that sounds wicked," said Fred.

"Wicked SCARY!" Ron squealed.

"Hermione, you're _really_ telling me this is the best you've got?" George asked, motioning towards Ron.

"Okay, he may be afraid of Hippogriffs, but he was _not_ afraid of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," said Hermione. "He lead the charge into my cottage."

Fred and George both put down their drinks and gave Ron a sly look and said, "Oh?"

"You need to stop telling people that," said Ron.

"They're all going to see it," said Hermione.

"So you're telling us Ron is a secret badass?" asked Fred.

"Yep," said Hermione.

"Maybe he could take care of the ghoul in the attic," said George.

"Not a chance," said Ron. "I'm no Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Yeah, hey, didn't he tell Mum he would come over and get rid of it?" asked Fred.

"Psh, that bloke is far too busy sexing up Bill's rejects," said George.

"Yeah, you know, I saw him on a pixie-catching task, and he was really underwhelming," said Hermione. "I'll find you guys someone for the ghoul."

"I kinda don't want to get rid of the ghoul," said Fred. "Adds character to the house."

"Trust me, our house has _plenty_ of character," said Ron.

They finished their drinks and apparated to the Burrow. Hermione smiled broadly when she saw it. She remembered when they'd seen the Burrow and the Weasley family watching Bill's season, and all the girls had agreed they'd love to be a part of this family. After many sounds of scrambling from within, the doors opened. Molly rushed out to greet them.

"Hello! Hello! Hello!" Molly repeated, taking each of her boys in her arms and planting kisses on their cheeks. Then, she embraced Hermione. "Welcome! Oh my goodness, you are beautiful!"

"Thank you," said Hermione politely.

"Well, Ron, what are you waiting for? Show her in, show her in!" Molly exclaimed.

"Well, you were kinda blocking the entrance," Ron muttered, but he took Hermione's hand and lead her inside. The rest of the Weasley family was gathered around a long table that was already set for dinner. They stood up to greet Hermione one-by-one: Arthur, Charlie, Percy and Audrey, Ginny, Angelina, and Bill and Fleur. They sat down for dinner, and Ron and Hermione repeated their meeting story.

"I was so surprised when Ron told us you were coming!" Molly gushed.

"Gee, thanks, Mum. Glad to know you had so much faith in me," said Ron.

"Oh no, dear, that's now what I meant. I just thought, it would be unlikely we'd be blessed twice," said Molly.

"Weasleys are known for having dreadfully bad luck," said Arthur. "But no more, eh?"

"So, Hermione, can you tell me about Harry Potter?" Ginny asked.

"Ginny!" Ron protested. "This is _my_ day. Mine!"

"Well, if she's not using him anymore, why can't I-"

"Uhhh, I think I ought to stop you right there," said Hermione. "I mean, if things don't work out, or, ummm, oh, nevermind!"

Ginny's eyes widened, and the air seemed to drain from the room. "Harry Potter is one of the other guys?" Molly clarified.

"Uh, yeah," said Hermione. "But I don't want to talk about him now! This is Ron's day! I want to know all about Ron's childhood."

"Ohhhh, Hermione, I thought you'd never ask!" Percy exclaimed gleefully.

"Yay! It's family photo time!" Molly squealed.

Ron rolled his eyes so hard, his head fell backward against his chair. "Dammit, Hermione!"

"Sorry, Ron, I had to!" Hermione laughed.

"Sorry, Ron," Bill repeated. The highlight of Bill's hometown dates had definitely been Molly's elaborately embarrassing family picture show.

"Ron?" asked Fleur. "Vhy don't ve go avay and talk avile?"

"Hm?" Ron replied. He looked at Bill, who nodded. Of course, nobody knew what Ron must be going through currently more than Fleur. "Oh, yeah, okay."

Ron and Fleur went out the front door while everyone else gathered around the big screen for family pictures. Twilight was just beginning to set in. Gnomes were stirring in the garden.

"Ron, you are in love," said Fleur.

"Huh?" asked Ron. "Says who?"

"I can tell by ze vay you look at 'er," said Fleur, "and 'ow defensive you got ven 'arry vas mentioned. You are in love, and you vorry you vill lose 'er. I remember zis part of the journey vell. It vas torture for me to know zat Bill vas vith anozer girl."

"Yeah, it is," said Ron.

"I 'ave a couple of words of advice to you," said Fleur. "First, do you still talk to ze ozer guys?"

"Yeah," said Ron. "Harry is my best friend."

"Oh, zat is not good," said Fleur. "You vill not be friends after zis if one or ze ozer of you is chosen."

"I have thought about that," said Ron.

"You must not talk to ze ozers," said Fleur. "You must act as zough zey do not exist."

"So become a hermit and go into denial," said Ron. "Easy enough."

Fleur laughed. "It is more true zan I'd like to admit. But I did my best to cut ties vith ze ozer girls temporarily during zis time, and it served me vell. I vas able to act as zo it vas only me and Bill, and zat 'elped Bill see me as someone 'e could spend ze rest of 'is life vith. And, I can still talk to ze ozer girls now because we were not in a constant state of competition. Zere is not as much bad blood."

"Okay," said Ron.

"I'm not saying it vill definitely vork, but it may 'elp," said Fleur. "Now, 'ave you told 'ermione zat you love 'er?"

"Yes," said Ron. "A couple of weeks ago, actually."

"Oh, vow! Zat is early," said Fleur.

"I know," said Ron. "But I couldn't keep it in. I kept thinking I could be let go, and she wouldn't know, you know?"

"Yes," said Fleur with a smile. "I vas not zo bold. You are smarter than you look, Ron."

"Well, thank you," said Ron.

"I do not know these ozer guys, but, I would venture to say you were the first to say it," said Fleur.

"I wasn't, actually!" Ron said. "The first one freaked her out and got sent home."

"Ah," said Fleur. "So she vas 'appy to 'ear it from you. Very good. I don't vant to get your 'opes up too 'igh, but I zink you 'ave very good chances."

"Did Bill ever say it back to you on the show?" Ron asked.

"Vat, you are saying you did not vatch it?" Fleur teased.

"Refresh my memory," said Ron. "It's starting to really bother me. Like I give and give and don't get anything in return."

"No, Bill did not say it. But looking back, 'e 'ad ozer vays of showing me 'ow 'e felt," said Fleur.

Ron considered. "Well, I never thought we'd get this far. So that's something."

"Yes. Do not lose faiz in 'er. She is 'aving a very 'ard time and is under a lot of pressure," said Fleur.

"Right. I keep reminding myself that. I can't wait to get past this part," said Ron.

"I 'ope you find ze 'appiness I 'ave with Bill," said Fleur.

"Me too," said Ron with a deep breath. "Me too."

Ron and Fleur came back inside as the embarrassing pictures were ending. Bill nodded to Fleur and tapped Hermione lightly on the shoulder. "Want to chat a bit?" Bill asked.

"Sure," said Hermione. They went out the back door and sat on a bench facing the rolling meadows. The sun was nearly set. "It's so beautiful," said Hermione.

"We joke about being a cursed family, but yeah, we had it pretty good," said Bill. "I have yet to meet a family as loyal and generous as this one. You know, Mum still keeps in contact with the other three."

"The other girls?" Hermione clarified.

"Yeah," said Bill.

"Isn't that awkward?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," said Bill. "But that's Mum. She loves everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if she kept in contact with you even if you don't pick Ron."

"That's crazy," said Hermione.

"That's Mum," Bill repeated. "So, how are you holding up?"

"Well," Hermione said, "everything is happening so fast anymore. I hardly have time to think."

"That's good," said Bill. "Thinking will get you into trouble. I'll let you in on a secret about me and Fleur. If I had gone with my brain, I wouldn't have picked her."

"Uh, what?" Hermione said with a cough.

"Did you watch the season?" Bill asked.

"Yes," said Hermione. She blushed, remembering how hard on Fleur she'd been. Now that she knew Fleur, she couldn't believe how catty she'd been about her just because of her hair color and Veela blood. Fleur and Bill were perfect, and Hermione wanted to know how to get that sort of happy ending.

"I was so meticulous about how I picked the girls," said Bill. "I had a notebook in my cottage of pro-con charts on each of them. It was the only way I could make sense of things for a long time."

"Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that?!" Hermione cried. "That would have helped so much!"

"It did, to a point, and you're _way_ past that point," laughed Bill. "I remember on the last two dates. I knew in my heart that it was Fleur, but the show had these dates planned, and I went with it. I took Kate out like the producers wanted me to. I made my pro-con chart. And it told me I should pick Kate."

"Why?" asked Hermione.

"All kinds of silly reasons," said Bill. "I was just making s*** up at that point, honestly. I was honestly sabotaging myself. I was afraid of what I felt because it wasn't on the show's timeline, right? So I thought I had to be wrong. Hermione, I almost picked Kate just because I was afraid of my feelings. Do you see what I'm saying?"

"Maybe?" Hermione asked.

"I made the right decision," said Bill, "but I wish I'd done it sooner. The timeline the show gives you is just a guideline. If you know, you know. Don't waste time, and don't waste anyone else's time. My biggest regret is going on that last date with Kate, because it ultimately hurt her more."

"I see," said Hermione. She thought for a moment. "I don't know if I'll know when I know, though. You know?"

Bill laughed. "I hear you. And I don't really know how to explain it because there aren't really English words to describe the feeling."

"There probably aren't words to describe it in any language," said Hermione. "I guess that's how I'd know then."

"Something like that," said Bill. "Well, how about I get you another Butterbeer before my parents give you the third degree?"

"Oh, I think I'll need that," said Hermione. "Thank you so much."

HERMIONE CAM: "Talking to Bill was extremely helpful, but now I am scared to death to talk to Molly and Arthur. Because if I've learned anything about this family, they're fiercely loyal, and I'm pretty sure if I hurt Ron in any way, Molly is going to tear me apart."

"Hermione, dear!" Molly cried as she put her arms around their guest. "Let's go talk, shall we? Arthur!"

"Yep, yep, yep," said Arthur, pushing through the mass of Weasleys to the kitchen. They went out the back door where Hermione and Bill had just been.

"So, Hermione, let me begin by saying how happy we are to have you here!" Molly said. "I don't want to be rude, but..." She looked at the cameras. "Can we turn these off for a spell?" Molly asked the cameramen. The cameraman gave her a thumbs up and faked turning off the camera. "I'm so happy they chose you over Astoria."

"Ummm...isn't Astoria in the hospital?" Hermione asked nervously, aware the cameras were still rolling. "It's not like I was chosen over her. I was second choice."

"Well, that was a mistake," said Molly. "I know the Greengrasses, and between you and me, they are not our type of people. Don't you agree, Arthur?"

"Ummm...well, they come from money, and we don't, obviously," said Arthur.

"Yes, I just couldn't imagine a Greengrass here. But you!" Molly exclaimed, hugging her again. "You just fit right in, don't you, dear? Wouldn't you agree, Arthur?"

"It's been a pleasure," said Arthur. "So, you're muggle born, did you say?"

"I am," said Hermione.

Arthur leaned in. "And how is that?" Arthur asked.

"It's...normal to me!" Hermione laughed nervously. "I'm not sure what you're asking."

"Oh, Arthur, stop!" Molly scolded. "Hermione isn't here to talk about that. So, dear, how many other homes have you been to?"

"This is my second," said Hermione.

"And how many others...?"

"Two," said Hermione.

"Two. Oh my. Four men," said Molly. "Lucky woman!"

Hermione blushed. "I started with many more than that. It's all happened so fast."

"Our Ron fell for you fast, it seems," said Molly. "That scares me, you know."

"I could imagine," said Hermione. "You know it scares me too. I hate hurting people. Now I'm in a position where I hurt people on a weekly basis."

"It's unique for us, having two children go through this process," said Arthur. "Bill of course was in your position, and now Ron is on the other end. And after talking to Ron, and it's so clear how deeply he feels for you, I have something to ask of you. _We_ have something to ask of you."

"Okay," Hermione said nervously.

"I know it's hard for you," said Arthur, "but it's harder to be Ron. You know, you get to see every angle of it, and he's in the dark. You know how you're feeling, you know what's going on with the other guys, he really doesn't. So I guess, in the interest of his feelings, as much as you can be transparent with him, please do."

"Right, I get that. Yes, I try my best," said Hermione. "I really do care about Ron very much, and I've had such a great time here today."

"Well, you'll just have to come back, then," said Molly.

"Right," said Hermione. "I'd like that."

Molly winked at her. "Okay, dear. The producer is giving us the wrap-it-up."

"Oh, already?" Hermione asked. "They just ruin everything."

Ron walked Hermione back to the pegasus-drawn carriage. "They like you," said Ron.

"And I like them," said Hermione. "They're even better than I imagined them."

Ron held her. "I don't want you to leave."

"I don't really want to leave either," said Hermione. "I could see myself here. I really could."

They kissed passionately before they parted.

* * *

Augusta Longbottom sat drinking her tea, wearing her best dress and her vulture hat. Neville entered through the Floo. "Hello, Gran," said Neville tentatively.

Augusta sipped her tea. "Well?" she asked.

"I'm bringing Hermione home," said Neville.

She set her tea on the coffee table. "So you have proposed?"

"No, not yet."

"Why not?"

"Because she hasn't chosen me yet," said Neville.

"What do you mean, she hasn't chosen you?" asked Augusta.

"Well, there are still three other men left. But I'm in the final four. It's hometowns, Gran. She's coming to meet my family."

"Wait, hold on," said Augusta. "Other men? Why in the name of Merlin should there be other men?"

"Because...that's how...the show...works?"

"Neville, are you gay?"

"WHAT? No! They're Hermione's boyfriends, not mine! _She's_ the Bachelorette. I was one of twenty-five, and now I'm one of four."

"The Bachelorette? You mean the _girl_ is the one doing the choosing?"

"Yes, Gran. I thought you knew."

"I thought you were the Bachelor."

"Goodness, no! I'm _a_ bachelor."

"Well, and that's not likely to change if you date some hussy with twenty-five boyfriends."

"GRAN!" Neville shouted. "Is that really how you feel?"

"A woman choosing. Preposterous. Back in my day, men were men! They didn't submit themselves to such spectacles."

"Well, why should girls always have to? Hermione is the love of my life, and-"

"What was that?"

"I said, Hermione is the love of my life. She's the kindest, most intelligent, strongest person I know, and I haven't proposed to her yet, but I'm very close, and so you better get used to the idea!"

Augusta's eyes widened. "Fine," she said. "Bring her here, and we'll see."

"Only if you promise not to insult her," said Neville.

"I will make no such promise," said Augusta.

"Then I'm not bringing her," said Neville. "See ya, Gran."

Augusta watched her grandson walk back into the Floo. She finished her tea. "He'll be back," she said to herself. "He always comes back."

* * *

HERMIONE CAM: "Today is my hometown date with Neville, which I expect to be completely different from the one I had with Ron, or even with Harry. Neville has one living relative, his Gran, who, I'm easily the most terrified to meet out of anyone. However, Neville is meeting me in London. I'm not sure what he has planned, but I'm as always very excited to spend the day with him."

Hermione and Neville met at the MBBC headquarters. They embraced and kissed before even saying a word to each other.

"I've missed you," said Neville.

"And I've missed you," said Hermione. "So, what's going on? I thought you were from Lancashire."

"I am," said Neville. "And we may go there yet, but, there are certain people in London that I believe you need to meet first."

"Oh," Hermione said in understanding.

HERMIONE CAM: "Of course, I'm so stupid. He's taking me to meet his parents first. Oh my, I wasn't expecting this right off the bat. This is going to be heavy."

"Are you okay?" asked Neville.

"Of course," said Hermione. "I want to meet them. I'm surprised we're going now, but I'm honored you would take me."

"Good," said Neville. "First, though, I thought we should do some shopping."

"Oh, excellent," said Hermione. "Let's do it!"

They left the MBBC and headed to a florist and gift shop where they selected some flowers for Neville's parents. Then, they headed to bakery for sandwiches and cookies.

"Can we bring sweets to St. Mungo's too?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, yeah," said Neville.

"Well, what are their favorites? Let's get a box. And one for your Gran too," said Hermione.

"Uhh, yeah, about Gran," said Neville. "You know how I told you that she can be very harsh?"

"Oh, yes," said Hermione. "That's why I thought some sweets would start us off right."

"Well, uhhh," said Neville, "you don't realize it, but you've already not started off right."

"What?"

"It's my fault, really. I guess I wasn't clear when I told her where I was going. You see, she thought I was the Bachelor."

Hermione laughed. "Oh, that's funny! So she thought you were bringing home the final two."

"Yeah, well, you see, she's very old fashioned. She doesn't quite approve of a Bachelorette."

"Why not?"

"She's thinks it's emasculating to me."

"Oh, what rubbish!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well, she already thinks I'm terribly soft, and then I told her there were four men left, and she said some very unkind things that I won't repeat here. I told her that if she wouldn't change her attitude, I wasn't bringing you at all," said Neville.

"Oh," Hermione pouted. "But she raised you. How can I not meet her?"

"Look, she's very proud, and she feels I've tarnished the family name by participating on this show," said Neville. "Let's just give her some time. She'll come around eventually, if we do get married."

"You think she wouldn't even come to a wedding?"

"Gran can hold a grudge. She doesn't talk to anyone she used to be friends with on account of all sorts of things," said Neville. "She wouldn't be so stubborn with me though. I don't think."

"Oh, that's awful," said Hermione. "This isn't a proper hometown at all."

"I'm sorry," said Neville. "I know it's not fun, but it is what it is."

"You're right, you're right," said Hermione. "I was just so looking forward to meeting her."

"You're crazy," Neville teased.

* * *

They arrived at St. Mungo's. Neville carried the flowers, and Hermione the box of sweets. The witch at the front desk recognized Neville.

"Hello, dear," she said. "Oh, what a lovely bouquet! Those will certainly brighten Alice's day. Here are your badges." She handed a pack for Neville, Hermione, and the couple of cameramen who would be allowed in. "Your Gran is already up there. Have a lovely visit."

"Um, I'm sorry," said Neville. "I must have heard wrong. Did you just say my Gran is here?"

"Yes, that's right," said the witch.

"Wha-but-why's she here?"

The witch was surprised at Neville's reaction. "Well, I mean, they _are_ her children..."

"I know, but...oh! It's complicated," said Neville.

Hermione took his arm. "What do you want to do?"

"Well, I guess you're meeting Gran," said Neville. "Brace yourself. I don't have a clue what we're about to walk into."

Hermione took a deep breath. "Here goes nothing."

"Indeed," said Neville.

They proceeded to the lift and went up to the Janus Thickey Ward for Long-Term Residents. Neville was granted access to the locked door, and he beckoned the others to follow.

There was an eerie atmosphere in the ward that couldn't be ignored, despite the fact that it was decorated in bright colors with plenty of friendly pictures and flowery decor. "Here we are," said Neville, stopping outside a blue door labeled "LONGBOTTOM." "Look, why don't you wait out here. I want to have a few words with my Gran first," said Neville.

And as soon as he finished the sentence, the door swung open, and a stern old lady in a green dress and a vulture hat appeared. "Yes, Neville?" she asked. "What is it you wish to say?"

Neville's eyes widened, and the color drained from his face. "Gran," he said, his voice cracking like a boy on the brink of puberty. "Why are you here today?"

"I am visiting my son," said Gran. "Who's this lot you have trailing behind you?"

"Um, Gran, this is Hermione, and these are...cameramen," said Neville.

Augusta's eyes widened. "You brought them here?" she asked.

"Yes, Gran," said Neville. "It's hometown dates. Hermione is meeting everyone's parents. I had to bring her here."

To Neville's surprise, Augusta nodded in approval. "Well, come on in, then," she said.

Neville and Hermione looked at each other and shrugged, then followed her inside. The room was modestly decorated with family photos. Hermione did a double take when she thought she saw Harry in one of them, but of course it was James in a picture of the Order of the Phoenix.

Frank and Alice didn't have a traditional hospital bed, but a double bed like one would find in a house. It had a Gryffindor crest blanket, and Hermione smiled.

"Hi," Hermione said awkwardly. Frank and Alice looked at her blankly, and she looked to Neville and Augusta for help.

Augusta prodded Neville in the back with her wand, and he sat down at the foot of their bed. "Mum, Dad, this is Hermione Granger. She's my girlfriend, and I love her."

They stared at Hermione and at the cameras, slack-jawed. "Don't mind this riff-raff, Frank and Alice, dear," said Augusta.

AUGUSTA CAM: "My son and daughter-in-law are heroes. They are stronger than any other witch and wizard alive, I can tell you that."

Neville handed the flowers to Gran, and she replaced the decaying bouquet in the vase. "So, Hermione is muggle-born," said Neville. "I haven't met her parents yet. Hopefully soon, right, Hermione?"

"Right," said Hermione, feeling very awkward. She hadn't realized Neville's parents wouldn't speak.

"So, I'm not sure what Gran has told you already," said Neville.

"I informed them about the show, yes," said Augusta.

"So yeah. Hermione and I might be getting engaged soon," said Neville. "She still has to choose me, though. I'm one of four left. She started with twenty-five, and now there are four, and I'm one of them! And that blows my mind really, because some of the other guys she had were crazy, like, Viktor Krum, come on!" Frank seemed to recognize the name "Viktor Krum." He cackled. It was a strange laugh, but he was smiling. "Right," Neville laughed. "Hermione chose me over Viktor Krum."

Hermione sighed. "That was _so_ long ago. I thought we were over Krum."

"I think I speak for most wizards when I say there will never be any getting over Viktor Krum," said Neville.

Hermione felt a tug at her robe. Alice was handing something shiny to Hermione. Hermione took it. It was a candy wrapper.

"Oh," Neville gasped.

"Umm," said Hermione. "Thanks?"

Augusta patted Hermione on the shoulder. "She gives those to everyone, dear."

"No, she doesn't," said Neville. "Only people she likes. Mum likes you, Hermione."

"Oh," Hermione said, smiling. "Wow. Thank you, Alice. Would you like a cookie?"

Alice cocked her head like an animal hearing a strange noise. Neville took the box of sweets, opened it, and set it between his parents. Their eyes lit up, and they dug in.

The day continued as Neville and Hermione told more of their story. Hermione got the feeling Frank and Alice understood more than they could communicate. At the end of their time, Augusta invited Neville and Hermione back to her home in Lancashire.

"Oh, of course we'll come," said Hermione.

NEVILLE CAM: "Gran is confusing the hell out of me. First, she's calling Hermione very unkind things. Then, she's inviting us to her house. I'm not sure what's going through her head. I'm scared. I love her, but, she's scary."

* * *

They emerged through the Floo into the most stereotypical little old lady home Hermione could imagine. It was accented with gold and crimson.

"So were all the Longbottoms Gryffindors?" Hermione asked.

"We're a legacy at Gryffindor, for sure," said Augusta. " _This_ one worried me, though. I was sure the letter would come from Hufflepuff, if it even came at all." Neville rolled his eyes so hard, Hermione thought they were going to drop out of the back of his head.

"Oh," Hermione said, catching the implications of the statement.

"Gran, did you bring us here to humiliate me, or-"

"Humiliate you? You do a good enough job of that yourself, dear. No, I'm giving you my blessing."

Hermione and Neville looked at each other. "Oh," they said together.

"I did a little snooping around, when you told me you had a 'hometown' with her, and I deliberately planned my visit to Mungo's at the same time."

"Of course," said Neville. "A test."

"A test," agreed Augusta. "And you passed with flying colors!"

"Oh, yay," said Hermione. The thrill of being told she passed a test had never left her.

"You have carried yourself with grace, and poise, and, most importantly, treated my son and daughter-in-law with the respect they deserve. You are worthy of the name Longbottom, should you choose it."

HERMIONE CAM: "I knew meeting with Gran would be more formal than the other hometowns, but I feel like I'm being knighted right now. It's a good feeling, but it's weird."

"So," Augusta said, "tell me about the competition."

"Oh, no, Gran, that's not appropriate," said Hermione.

"Oh, come on," said Augusta. "What are their houses?"

"Gryffindor and Hufflepuff."

Augusta scoffed. "Nix the Hufflepuff."

"I'm not...no! I'm not talking about this," said Hermione.

"Oh, you're no fun," said Augusta. "But smart. So tell me about your journey from mugglehood to witchdom."

Hermione suppressed a laugh at the word choice. "I can honestly say I had no idea I was a witch until I got my Ravenclaw acceptance letter at eleven. Until then I kept looking for scientific explanations for the spontaneous magic."

"Spontaneous magic, eh?" Augusta asked.

"I could turn lights on and off if I wanted," said Hermione. "I could open a book that was out of reach. Simple stuff."

"Neville never did _any_ of that! Oh, dear, if you had been in my house, you'd already be the greatest witch in history. I'd have started training you immediately! Oh, I'm sorry. Please don't take that the wrong way. I don't mean to say anything ill of your muggle parents."

"No, no," said Hermione. "My parents were great. As soon as we found out, they bought me all the books I wanted so I could catch up. The other Ravenclaws didn't have a clue I was muggle born."

"I would love to meet your parents," said Augusta.

"I actually think you'd get along," said Hermione.

"What," Neville accidently said out loud.

Hermione and Augusta chatted until sundown while Neville mostly observed. After they polished off some brandy, the producers indicated that it was time to depart.

"Oh, fooey," said Augusta.

"Yeah, fooey!" Hermione echoed.

"You better bring her back, Neville," said Augusta.

"Yeah," he said. "No pressure!"

A pegasus-drawn carriage was waiting for Hermione outside. The couple stepped outside to say goodbye.

"Well, that was not what I was expecting," said Hermione. "I had the best time today."

"I honestly couldn't have planned it better myself," said Neville. "And I did plan it. But it went better than planned. Way better."

Hermione sensed he would just keep on talking like that, so she stopped him with her lips.

* * *

"HERMIONE'S COMING!" Mrs. Smith shouted to her house elves. "This place needs to be SPOTLESS!"

Zach nearly choked on his Butterbeer. "Mum, I told you to put the elves away! Hermione doesn't like house elves! I mean, she _does_ like them, but not when they're being...house elves..."

"Hush, Zacharias," said Mrs. Smith. "We'll take care of things for you, sweetie, just like we always do."

"But you're not listening! Hermione is different!" Zach exclaimed.

And indeed, nobody in the Smith house was listening.

* * *

Hermione met Zach at Hufflepuff School of Wizardry.

"Hey cutie," said Zach.

Hermione made a disgusted face at the sentiment, but then she giggled and kissed him. "So, your family lives here?" she teased.

"We might as well," said Zach. "But no. This place is just a huge part of us, and I wanted to share it with you."

"Awesome," said Hermione. "I love schools."

To muggles, Hufflepuff was nothing but a forest outside of London. But wizards could cross inside to the complicated network of tree houses that was Hufflepuff. He showed her the library, stored within the largest tree, and then to his old dormitory that he used to share with Justin.

"Oh, wow," said Hermione. "I didn't realize you and Justin were so close before all of this."

"We weren't," said Zach. "And, to be honest, we really aren't. I mean, I don't dislike the guy, but we're not best mates like Harry and Ron or Seamus and Dean."

"Oh, I see. Tell me about your friends. You never say much about them," said Hermione.

"Oh, well, I have friends from work that I go out with sometimes," said Zach. "And I hung around with the Quidditch team at school. I don't really keep in touch with anyone from school though."

"Oh," said Hermione. "Well, where is the Quidditch field hiding?"

"It's really cool! It's in a clearing behind all of the classroom trees," said Zach, his face lighting up. "Say, Hermione, how about a little one-on-one?"

"One-on-one Quidditch? How does that work?"

"Well, there's no bludgers," said Zach.

"Oh, that's good," said Hermione with a laugh.

"But there is a snitch," said Zach. "And the quaffle, of course. We use two hoops, and only half of the standard field."

"Oh, so it's just a race to get the snitch," said Hermione.

"What? No, you use a quaffle," said Zach.

"Yeah, I never understood that," said Hermione. "The snitch is worth 100 points. Nine times out of ten the team that catches the snitch wins. The quaffle is just a distraction because watching two guys fly around looking for a snitch would be boring."

Zach's eyes bulged as if she'd just used the M-word. "You...you can't say that!"

Hermione blushed. "I'm sorry. Cedric hates my Quidditch rant too. I'll play with you."

"Who's Cedric?"

"Cedric...Diggory? Hey, you went to school together! He married my friend Cho."

"Oh, HA! Cedric, yeah, I became Quidditch captain after him. Saved the team, really."

"Oh, okay," said Hermione. "I'm beginning to see why you didn't have many friends from school."

"What's that?"

"You've been very negative about most things we've talked about," said Hermione. "It's not like you. The Zach I know is fun and outgoing. What's up?"

"Oh, gah! Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just, this place, and my family...they're super intense. We're loosely related to Helga Hufflepuff, and they take that _very_ seriously. They just want the best for this place, but often times it comes off as, well, you know, negative."

"Right, I see," said Hermione. "Alright, so if we go through with this Quidditch thing, I must warn you, I haven't been on a broom by myself since flying class in school."

"Really? Not even for fun with your friends?" he asked.

"I've told you. What I did for fun was read and study," said Hermione.

"Well, we've definitely gotta fix that! C'mon," said Zach.

HERMIONE CAM: "Going from those first three dates to this one is kinda jarring. It's not that I didn't know Zach was different from the other three, but I've never really processed the extent of it. I'm excited to meet his parents and see if I can fit into his family."

* * *

"SURPRISE!"

Three blonde-haired wizards were already on the Quidditch field, and Hermione instantly knew they were Zach's family. The family resemblance was uncanny. Even the mom and dad looked like they could be siblings.

"What the f***," said Zach.

"Oh, come on, Zach," said the girl whom Hermione deduced was his younger sister Sarah, "you couldn't think we'd pass up an opportunity to meet your new woman on the field! THINK FAST, HERMIONE!" She lobbed a quaffle at Hermione's face, and Zach caught it.

"Bloody hell, you guys," said Zach. "Ever think maybe I wanted to have some one-on-one time?"

"Oh, you'll have plenty of that in the fantasy suite," said Mrs. Smith. "This is hometowns! And you, my dear, are on home turf."

"Ummm, hi," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "Overbearing. Check."

"Well, are we gonna play Quidditch or not?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Wait, hold on, guys," said Zach. "Hermione doesn't play. This was supposed to be just a nice one-on-one."

The Smiths stared at Hermione like she was a freak.

"I don't understand," said Sarah.

"Hi, I'm Hermione, and I like books," said Hermione with a nervous giggle.

"I still don't understand," said Sarah, "but I didn't come all of this way to _not_ play Quidditch. So Zach, you're going down one way or another today!"

"We'll do our classic two-on-two," said Mr. Smith. "Watch and learn, Hermione."

"Umm, okay," said Hermione.

HERMIONE CAM: "First impression? Not impressed."

Zach put his arm around her. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's a tradition."

"Sure, sure, go ahead," said Hermione. "I've watched Quidditch before. No biggie."

HERMIONE CAM: "It would have been really great if Zach could have taken a stand against his family. But I get it. I hope we can bond some more after this game."

* * *

It actually did end up being fun for Hermione, as Sarah and Mrs. Smith absolutely decimated their male counterparts.

"We'll get you on our level, Hermione, don't worry," said Mrs. Smith. "Now, how about some dinner at our place? The house elves have been working tirelessly to make sure everything is absolutely perfect for you!"

"Mom, I _told_ you-" Zach started to protest, but Mrs. Smith kept pulling Hermione away.

"We are just so happy to meet you," said Mrs. Smith. "We weren't sure what you liked, so we just made everything. Well, the _elves_ made everything, you know..."

"I don't believe in house elf enslavement," said Hermione.

"What's that, dear?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Oh no," said Zach.

"I said I don't believe in house elf enslavement," said Hermione. "It's slavery."

Mrs. Smith looked from Hermione to Zach incredulously. "Zachy, why didn't you mention this?"

"I DID!" Zach exclaimed.

"Oh, I thought you were joking," said Mrs. Smith.

"Why would I joke about that?" Zach asked.

"Well, I mean, no offense, but it's kind of ridiculous," said Mrs. Smith.

"The rights of magical non-humans are not ridiculous," said Hermione. "Right, Zach?"

"Ummm," said Zach. "Let's just eat, and not discuss politics please."

"Right," agreed Mr. Smith.

* * *

They went back to the school and used a Floo to the Smith household.

"Oh my gods," said Hermione. "Zach, you didn't tell me your family was loaded!"

"I'm sorry," said Zach. "I mean, _my_ house doesn't look like this."

"Oh, you don't want to see Zachy's house," said Mrs. Smith. "I keep saying he should move back in here where someone can take care of him, you know? But that'll be your job soon, right?" Mrs. Smith laughed, and Hermione forcefully laughed.

ZACH CAM: "My mum is ruining my life every time she speaks."

The living room was decorated with portraits of family members going back to Helga Hufflepuff, although Hermione noticed there was a suspicious break between Zach's great-great grandmother and Helga. It was a very Victorian style house, but it had plenty of jarring modern touches, like a couch pit and a giant flat-screen television. They had a gorgeous old dining table and sleek, modern chairs. Zach pulled out Hermione's chair, and he sat on her right. Sarah sat on her left, and Mrs. Smith sat on the other side of Zach. Mr. Smith sat beside his wife.

"So, Zach tells us you work for the Ministry," said Mr. Smith.

"I oversee Aurors," said Hermione.

"Oh, wow! That sounds dangerous," said Mrs. Smith.

"It's not," said Hermione. "It's all paperwork. I'd like to go back to doing something more hands-on. I used to work with magical creatures. I liked that."

As if on cue, a parade of house elves came out with a smorgasbord of every food you could imagine. They levitated the plates onto the table. Then, a female elf said, "Umm, Master Smith, there isn't enough space for all we've prepared?"

"Ah, yes, I see," said Mr. Smith, "we barely have space for our own plates. Haha! We were so nervous about you coming here, Hermione, we didn't think about the practicality."

"Oh, this is more than enough food," said Hermione. "Why don't we just let the house elves have the rest?"

"That's a great idea," said Zach.

"Oh, no! We'll just freeze it for leftovers," said Mrs. Smith. "Wouldn't you like to take some food home, Zachy?"

"Oh, yes, please!" Zach exclaimed.

"Box up the rest for Zachy," Mrs. Smith ordered.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Is everything okay, Hermione?" Sarah asked.

"Uhh, yeah," said Hermione. "This is just not what I'm used to."

"Right, right," said Mrs. Smith. "We're so sorry to have overwhelmed you. We just got so excited to meet you, dear! So tell me about you two." She gestured with her fork between Zach and Hermione. "Zach won't tell me anything. What brought you here?"

"Oh, goodness. Well, to be honest, Zach really flew under my radar at first. I mean, _really_ flew under the radar. I actually confused him with another guy at one point," said Hermione.

"Oh, gee, thanks," said Zach. "Who was it?"

"I don't even remember his name. Another Hufflepuff. Anyways, Zach really isn't the kind of guy I ever pictured myself with, but the more I got to know him, I mean, there's a lot beneath the surface. And he's always been there for me and always showed me he cared. So, that's why we're here," said Hermione.

"Awww, that's so nice!" Mrs. Smith gushed.

"Wait, wait, wait, hold on," said Zach. "There were not a lot of Hufflepuffs. Me, Justin, and...Ernie Macmillan?"

"Oh, ew, that nerd," said Sarah.

"Yeah, Ernie! Such a nice, quiet guy. But there was no spark," said Hermione.

"You sent Ernie home week two!" Zach cried. "Wait, wait, hold on, HOLD ON...are you saying...you were going to SEND ME HOME WEEK TWO?!"

Sarah turned to the camera man and said, "Ohhhhhhhh snap!"

Hermione turned red. "No, no, it wasn't...I knew who you were by then...obviously...I mean, you're here now, right?"

"I mean, I knew you were going to send me home on our first one-on-one," said Zach. "I talked you out of that one. It would have been a big mistake, obviously."

"Oh, yes, I was just a weird emotional wreck after You-Know-Who attacked," said Hermione. "I would have let all sorts of people go. Zach was so supportive of me, really, during that time."

"Well, yes, of course," said Mr. Smith. "We were very proud of him for that."

"I got the Chinese Aurors," Sarah mocked. "Derp derp derp."

"So sad that your special time got turned into a spectacle for Neo-Death-Eaters," said Mrs. Smith. "And now there's all of this panic over nothing."

"Panic over nothing?" Hermione asked. "Harry Potter almost died, at my Imperious hand..."

"Ehh," said Mrs. Smith. "Not to make light of it, but I never understood what the big deal over that boy was."

"He tried to use Expelliarmus against Tom," said Zach. "Is that a normal thing for Aurors?"

"Ummm, it's unconventional," said Hermione. "But this is not really a comfortable topic for me. Let's not discuss that day, or my other boyfriends, umm...So, Zach tells me you guys are very involved with Hufflepuff Academy."

"Oh, yes, we are related to Helga Hufflepuff herself. Of course we are involved," said Mr. Smith.

"So what do you do there?" asked Hermione.

"I'm sorry?" asked Mr. Smith.

"How are you involved? Do you teach?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, GOODNESS no! We donate money," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've always thought teaching on the side might be fun," said Hermione. "Money is good too, though."

"We are investors," said Mr. Smith. "Money goes out, the business owners do the work, money comes back to us. I could teach you how it's done. Smart investing, and you could ditch that dreary Ministry job."

"You could even teach, as a hobby," said Mrs. Smith. "And you and I can go shopping anytime, for anything! You're lucky you found Zachy. Isn't marrying rich every girl's dream?"

"Honestly, I've not given it much thought," said Hermione. "Zach didn't even tell me how much money was in your family. It isn't part of the equation."

"Oh, well it should be!" said Mrs. Smith. "Zach, why wouldn't you tell her?"

"I did," said Zach, "but I guess she thought I was Ernie Macmillan."

* * *

Dinner ended, and Hermione took Zach aside. They stepped out onto the back porch which overlooked a pond.

"This hometown has been strange," she confessed. "I feel like we're taking steps backwards instead of forwards."

"Me too," said Zach. "I wish we'd just had another one-on-one ourselves. My family is mucking up everything."

"I don't want to blame them, but, I think you may be right. We just weren't ready for this step," said Hermione. "We didn't know each other as well as we thought."

"Clearly," said Zach.

"Oh, stop," said Hermione. "Is this about Ernie still?"

"It's a little hard to hear...over DINNER WITH MY FAMILY...that I only stuck around week two because of a mistake. And then you just kinda forgot about me while a bunch of other guys screwed up-"

"STOP," said Hermione. "That is NOT what happened! Yes, you _did_ almost go home week two. I probably should have told you that before, but I was embarrassed. I didn't want you to react, well, the way you are now..."

"HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO REACT?! I'm bloody FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, and then I hear you couldn't even distinguish me from another guy!"

"I'M SORRY! But that's in the past, and you're still here! Why can't you accept that I actually like you now?! That there's a reason you're here!"

Mrs. Smith knocked on the door. They sighed. Zach cracked it open. "Not now, Mum, we're having a bit of a-"

"Yes, we know, we can hear you," said Mrs. Smith. "I made Old Merlins. Have one, each of you, please." She pushed a drink into Zach's hand, and handed the other to Hermione as she wiggled onto the porch with them. "Sit down, you two. I can't bear to leave you guys like this." They did as they were told. She took a long sip of her Old Merlin and said, "This is not a conventional pairing." Zach and Hermione giggled nervously. "Hermione, I want to apologize. We were so used to Zachy dating a certain type of girl, and when we he told us you were different, we didn't bother to learn how different. We haven't really bothered to get to know you, and we apologize."

"Oh, well, thank you," said Hermione.

"Hermione, what do you like about Zach?"

"Um," she said, "well, I like how much effort he has put into this process. He never gave up on it and always spoke his mind. He wouldn't let me leave him without showing me something new and great about him. I felt like he'd have my back in anything."

"That's nice to hear, isn't it, Zachy?" Mrs. Smith asked. "And what do you like about Hermione?"

"She's gorgeous," said Zach. "And she's completely out of my league intellect-wise. And like...I always date girls who are _just like me._ And Hermione and I have very few things in common. But that's kinda awesome, because I learn from her, and she actually takes an interest in things I like, even when I know she doesn't actually care."

"I do care!" said Hermione. "I'm always up for learning new things!"

"And that's so great for me, because I _hate_ learning new things, but you force me to!"

"If I may interject," said Mrs. Smith, "there really is something you guys both fundamentally have in common."

"We love each other?" Zach asked hopefully.

"Well, hopefully that too, but," said Mrs. Smith, "you both have a tendency to get hung up on negative details."

Zach and Hermione looked at each other. Then they laughed.

"OH my gosh, I _do_ love proving people wrong!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Naturally, it's the greatest feeling," said Zach.

"And throughout this process, finding a reason to get rid of someone, makes my job _so much easier!"_ Hermione groaned. "Gods, that is awful. We're awful."

"To being awful together," Zach said, holding his glass up for a toast.

* * *

The family spent the remainder of the night playing wizarding board games, many of which Hermione had never seen before. When it was time to go, Zach walked Hermione out to her pegasus-drawn carriage.

"Well," he said, "it seems we survived another date together."

"Yes," laughed Hermione. "It is never a dull moment with you, Zach."

He grabbed her and dipped her while kissing her. "I love you, Hermione Granger."

"OOOOOOHHHHH...!" Sarah said.

"What? What are you doing here? Piss off!" Zach exclaimed.

"I just wanted to say goodbye to my big brother and...future big sister?" she asked.

Hermione hugged Sarah. "I think I might like that," she whispered.

* * *

Gilderoy was waiting for Hermione back at the London bachelor pad. "Well, Miss Granger. How were your hometown dates?"

"They were wonderful," she said. "They were each so different, but so lovely in their own way. Gilderoy...I don't have the slightest clue what to do next."

"I see," said Gilderoy. "Well, the men won't be here for the rose ceremony until tomorrow. Do you think you can reach a decision by then?"

Hermione nodded, tears already filling her eyes for the thought of what she must do next.


	11. Chapter 11

"FREAKING CLIFFHANGERS!" Cho screeched.

Luna was already at the magic board. "Okay, so, Neville's Gran, yasssss?!"

"Yassssss!" agreed Cho.

"And The Order of the Phoenix? Can I get a 'yassssss'?" Luna asked.

"YASSSSSSSS!" she cried.

"Um, what?" Cedric asked.

"We've been over this. 'Yas' is good," said Cho, patting her husband on the hand.

"Okay. _Yas_ ," agreed Cedric.

"And...AND! Bill and Fleur look so happy!" Cho squealed.

"YASSSSSS!" Luna echoed.

"I've got something to add," said Cedric.

The girls hushed. Cedric had very few opinions on the show. "Okay?" Cho asked.

"Look, I usually don't watch this junk, but, whoever she picks is going to end up being my bro, or at least, someone I'm forced to tolerate a lot," said Cedric. "So, the Viktor dream died, but I've been saying, Harry seems really chill."

"Yes, Cedric, we all know you're Team Harry," said Cho.

"Well, I've changed my mind," said Cedric.

"Oh?" said Luna. "What's wrong with Harry?"

"Absolutely nothing," said Cedric. "I'm just expanding my future bro wish list to include ABZ."

"ABZ?" they repeated.

"What's ABZ?" asked Cho.

Cedric cleared his throat. "Anyone. But. Zach."

* * *

Hermione sat in her cottage staring at the four portraits of her remaining suitors. She sighed. She knew what she had to do, but it felt so unfair. What would she even say to him? He'd done nothing wrong. In another world, they'd carry on as boyfriend and girlfriend for who knows how long, and maybe they would have married. But then she looked at the other three guys. Wow. How did she come to be so blessed?

Gilderoy knocked on her door. "Hermione?" he whispered. "It's time."

Hermione nodded. She had selected a shiny black dress for the occasion, which felt appropriate for what she was about to do. She followed Gilderoy to the rose ceremony room, where Zach, Harry, Ron, and Harry were assembled.

Tears started to fill her eyes. Gilderoy put his arm around her. "Do you need a moment?" he asked.

GILDEROY CAM: "Damn, Hermione, you've gotta do this two more times! You can't be breaking down now!"

Hermione walked back out of the room, and Gilderoy sighed. The men looked at each other awkwardly.

HARRY CAM: "Hermione is obviously upset about letting one of us go. The question is, who?"

RON CAM: "It's scary to think she might be thinking about me."

NEVILLE CAM: "She has deep feelings about each of us, even someone she's going to let go."

Hermione came back in after only a minute. "I'm sorry. I had no idea this would be so hard. I had no idea I'd feel this strongly about each of you, and, the person I'm letting go, well, I just want everyone to know how much I do care about this person and how much I appreciated their family. So..." She took a deep breath and picked up a rose. "Harry." Harry breathed in relief and stepped forward. "Harry, will you accept this rose?"

"Yes," said Harry.

Hermione kissed his cheek as she pinned the rose to his suit. He walked back to the line with a goofy grin, then quickly dropped it when he saw the still terrified faces of the other three.

She picked up the next rose. "Ron," she said.

Ron's feet started moving forward before he processed what the moment meant. He said "yes" and received his kiss, same as Harry.

RON CAM: "Final three! I can't believe it. This is an incredible feeling."

Hermione picked up the final rose, and Gilderoy apparated in. "Gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight," he said before apparating out. Hermione laughed nervously. Nobody ever really got used to that.

"Neville," she said.

"No," Zach whispered.

* * *

"YASSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Cedric shouted.

"Awwww," Luna said.

"Don't 'aww' him. You'd _hate_ him in real life, I promise," said Cedric.

"Shut up, Cedric," said Cho. "You just hate that he called you out on TV."

"Yeah, look, he's crying," said Luna.

"Poor thing. He really loved her," said Cho.

"He did," said Luna.

* * *

"But I am falling in love," said Hermione. "And it's not with you. I'm sorry. I know that's hard to hear, but, I don't want to lie to you either."

"If only we had more time!" Zach pleaded.

"We've had time, Zach," said Hermione. "And I like you. But I don't love you."

"This is about my family," said Zach. "They f****** it all up. You've gotta get to know me outside of them, Hermione!"

"I do, Zach! What do you think we've been doing for the past nine weeks?" Hermione asked. "Zach, this was not an easy decision for me! I hate that I have to let you go. We were good together. Just...not as good as I am with the others. So that's why I have to let you go. I can't change it, Zach. I'm sorry. I can't change how I feel."

"Yeah, well, neither can I," said Zach. He got into the pegasus-drawn carriage. Hermione watched as he flew out of her life, sighed, and wiped away tears. She got up and went back to the ceremony room.

The final three were talking awkwardly to Gilderoy. They all paused and looked at her when she entered.

"How is everything?" Gilderoy asked.

"As expected," said Hermione. "But he'll be fine. He'll find someone."

Everyone nodded.

"Well, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "This is your final three. How do you feel?"

She looked at Harry, Ron, and Neville. "Wonderful," said Hermione.

"So we're going to be sending the three of you to completely different locations," said Gilderoy, "and Hermione will come have dates with each of you. This journey is almost over, and an engagement is right around the corner. This is the time when you really will find out if you are compatible in _all_ aspects. So, gentlemen, take your things and step into the Floo. It's programmed to take you to your new digs. Hermione, we'll discuss logistics, and then you'll be off to your first destination as well."

"Thank you," said Hermione. She watched as each man rolled their luggage into the fireplace and disappeared. She couldn't wait to see where each of them ended up.

* * *

Neville stepped out of the Floo. He saw a quaint brown room furnished with some Asian influence. He walked through to the front entrance, where a screened-in area overlooked a pristine beach.

He walked outside and sampled some of the plant life. He was in the Far East, he decided. A Pacific Island for sure, but judging from the decor of the bungalow, probably southern Japan, Taiwan, or the Philippines.

"Hello?" came the sweet voice of Hermione. He thought he might be dreaming, but when he saw all of the cameramen, he realized his date was beginning.

"Goodness, they don't mess around, do they?" he said. "I haven't even unpacked yet. Nor am I positive where I am."

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Let's get you unpacked," said Hermione. "And you're in the Philippines. Palawan Island, to be exact."

"Oh, wonderful," said Neville. "I've always wanted to come here. They have some very exotic plant life. Oh, but you don't want to talk about that anymore. I've probably bored you to tears enough already."

"Stop, I love your plant rants," laughed Hermione. "But let's check out your bungalow. It looked so cute when I walked through it. I was hoping it was mine, but they said they took my stuff to the hotel."

"Oh, you don't get a bungalow?" asked Neville.

"Well, you're staying here much longer than me," said Hermione. "Plus, the hotel is just backup."

"Huh?" asked Neville.

Hermione stared at him awkwardly. "You've watched this show before, right?"

"Gran watches it. I catch bits and pieces," he said.

"Oh. Then maybe you don't know. Ha! You're going to love it!" She kissed him, giggled, then walked back to the bungalow.

NEVILLE CAM: "Wha...what was that?"

HERMIONE CAM: "Fantasy suite. He doesn't know about the fantasy suite. This is excellent. I can't wait to see his face when the card arrives!"

* * *

Hermione sat on Neville's bed while he unpacked, and he couldn't stop thinking about how good she looked there in her flowered sundress and hair frizzing out from the humidity.

"So," said Hermione, "want to know what's on our agenda today?"

"Absolutely," said Neville. He levitated his last pair of pants into the drawer and joined her on the bed. "What does the Almighty MBBC have on our itinerary?"

"We're going on a boat tour," said Hermione. "Then we're going to visit an underwater cavern. Dinner at my resort, and then...whatever."

"Whatever? Unstructured time?" Neville said happily. "That's a first! Thanks, MBBC!" Hermione chortled. "What?" Neville asked. "You're being weird. There's something you're not telling me."

"I told you everything they told me, I swear!" Hermione said slyly. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

HERMIONE CAM: "It's not a lie. They did not tell me anything specific about the fantasy suite."

Hermione and Neville were making out when the boat arrived to take them on their tour. The captain dropped them off at a small island with stunning cliffs.

"This is the life," Neville said, sipping his Parseltongue.

The crew set up beach blankets and umbrellas so they could relax a bit with their drinks. The crew wanted to refill them, but Neville was already pretty tipsy.

"Sweetie, you can't get wasted, we have a long swim ahead of us," said Hermione.

"What's that?" Neville asked. "I don't wanna swim."

"We have to swim through a 40 meter tunnel!"

"WHAT?! No. NO, MBBC! I can't swim that much!"

Hermione threw her head back and laughed. "Hey, hey, Neville."

"I'm getting sick of their sh*t. I just wanna relax with you," said Neville.

"Neville, honey, I'm messing with you. We're taking a Portkey," said Hermione.

"Oh," said Neville. "You...YOU!"

"Yes?" asked Hermione.

He kissed her.

* * *

They changed into their swimsuits and took the Portkey, a piece of driftwood, to the underwater cavern. They were alone in the cavern, but they could see MBBC had prepped the area with cameras. It was odd for them, though, to not have actual camera men around.

They looked at each other. Fish were brushing up against their feet. "So," said Hermione.

"This is awesome," said Neville. "I wonder what sort of charm they used to block out muggle divers."

"Maybe they're all swimming in circles somewhere in the tunnel," said Hermione.

"Man! Isn't magic great? How does the muggle version of this show pull this stuff off?"

"With money," said Hermione.

"But they have to fly everywhere in those murder cylinders!"

Hermione chortled. "Murder cylinders! Gods, Neville! You are so painfully _wizard_ sometimes. To be honest, I much prefer planes to Portkeys. Planes don't require the magical de- and re-construction of my body."

"But," said Neville, "you don't have to be crammed into a murder cylinder with tons of other people."

"Wizards sure have perfected the art of being alone," said Hermione.

"It's great," said Neville.

"So," said Hermione, "you probably wouldn't want to move into my London apartment."

"Haha," said Neville. "I was hoping you'd want to move into my place."

"In the middle of nowhere, away from my job," said Hermione.

"We're wizards. Distance clearly doesn't matter. Besides, I have an actual house. That's better than an apartment," said Neville.

"True," said Hermione.

"But," said Neville, "it'd be nice to find our own place together. One that's ours, you know?"

"And we can have little hideaways all over the world," said Hermione.

"Yes!" Neville exclaimed. "If we save up enough money."

"An Auror and a botanist," said Hermione. "Not exactly big money-makers."

"No," said Neville. "I've thought about teaching on the side."

"Oh my gosh, me too!"

"That still doesn't pay a lot, though!" Neville laughed.

"Well," said Hermione, "maybe the middle of nowhere with you would be okay then."

They kissed until a crewman apparated into the cavern with them to let them know it was time for dinner. They took a new Portkey to another lagoon, but this one was was full of little bungalows.

Their dinner was served on another boat that floated in the center of the lagoon. The stars shone brightly overhead, and Neville and Hermione tried to identify the constellations.

"What's this?" Neville asked, picking up an envelope.

Hermione smiled. "I dunno. Why don't you open it?"

Neville obliged. "Dear Hermione and Neville, I hope you are enjoying your day in El Nido, Palawan Island. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Gilderoy." He took out the room key and looked at Hermione. He cleared his throat. "Fantasy suite?"

"It's just a big hotel room with a king bed in it," said Hermione. "That we stay together in. If you want."

"Oh," said Neville. "Oh, I want. I want very much. Do you?"

"Of course I do, silly!" Hermione laughed.

Neville coughed nervously. "Umm, okay then. Great." He looked around, but there was no one on the boat. "So, how do we...?"

As if on cue, the boat started to move towards the shore on its own. Neville and Hermione's eyes lit up in wonder. It was like witnessing magic for the first time.

The boat docked around the corner in the remotest part of the resort. There was a private bungalow about halfway up a cliff with a steep staircase leading up to it.

"Blimey, that's quite a climb," said Neville.

"It'll be worth it," said Hermione. "Come on!"

They climbed up together. The waves were crashing against the cliffs on either side of them, and birds were nesting among the rocks. They arrived at their room, and Neville swiped the key.

"Bloody hell!" he exclaimed when they entered. The bed was in the center of the room strewn with jasmine petals. Hermione rushed to the hot tub that was overlooking the ocean. The place was decorated with orchids and candles. There was also a kitchenette with appetizers and, of course, wine.

Hermione found her bag and went into the bathroom to change into her swimsuit.

NEVILLE CAM: "I'm at a loss for words. I'm with the most beautiful woman in the most beautiful place. What did I do to deserve this?"

They entered the hot tub. Neville brought the wine. "I'm not complaining," he said. "But, I was just thinking about how these dates are all basically the same. Drink while sitting by water, drink while sitting _in_ water..." He took a pull of the wine. "Bloody hell, that's good!"

"Pass it, you lush," Hermione teased.

He got in the hot tub next to her and handed her the bottle. "Wow. This is so surreal," he said, looking out at the view.

She touched his leg under the water and laughed. "Do you remember night one?" she asked.

"Night one," Neville mused. "Oh, gods. Night one. I was a mess night one!"

"We might not have even talked," said Hermione.

"Yeah," said Neville. "I'm sorry. I don't know who that guy was. He was a bloody idiot."

"It's just crazy when I think about how different this experience would have been without you in it," said Hermione.

"I'm still afraid," said Neville, "that you're going to wake up and decide I'm not good enough for you."

"Oh, no," said Hermione. "I mean. There are two other guys in the picture still. But if it's not you at the end, that would never be the reason. You're more than enough for me."

They put the wine aside and kissed, and for the remainder of the night, Hermione forgot the other two.

* * *

The screen went to black, and a commercial for Madam Malkin's played.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play our favorite fantasy suite game...," Cho started.

"DID. THEY. FUCK?!" Luna shouted, pumping her fist.

"Fuck yeah they fucked!" Cedric exclaimed. "What kind of a fucking question is that? It's the whole point of the fantasy suite."

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," said Cho. "Remember who we're dealing with her. Hermione is not the sleep-around type."

"No," said Luna, "but she's so into him. I don't think she'll be able to resist. If I were her, I'd sleep with all of them. It's important."

"I think he's such a gentlemen though that he will take a backseat, and maybe he doesn't feel comfortable going there with her with there being two other guys in the picture," said Cho.

"Shame," said Luna. "I would so hit that."

"Careful, sweetie, that could be Hermione's hubby you're talking about," said Hermione.

"Either way, she's hitting that," said Cedric. "Next!"

* * *

Ron stepped out of the Floo into a modern hotel room. He looked around. "Bloody hell," he said, walking over to his window. There were waterfalls all over the landscape. "Where am I?" he asked, not believing this place could exist without magic. He picked up a pamphlet on the coffee table, and it appeared to him to be in Spanish. "Spain?" he asked himself. "Welp, guess I'll go find a taco bar!"

HERMIONE CAM: "So my date with Neville was incredible, and I can't believe I get to go on two more with two more great guys! I'm going to meet Ron next in Iguazu Falls, Brazil."

RON CAM: "Today's the day! I am so excited and nervous for this date. I hope I get the fantasy suite card. But it also kinda weirds me out. I mean, Bill slept with all three girls in the fantasy suite. So it's like...I want to, obviously. But as a man, it is strange to think she might have already been with my best mates. It almost makes me wish she'd kept some of the awful blokes around! I wouldn't have minded stealing Draco's girl as much."

Ron and Hermione met at the resort. Hermione ran into his arms, and they kissed.

"Welcome to Spain!" Ron said.

Hermione looked at him blankly, then threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, Merlin, you think you're in Spain!"

"Am I not? Everyone speaks Spanish," said Ron.

"Gods, stop," said Hermione. "You're in Brazil."

"Brazil! Oh, that's...is that very different?"

"Well, first of all, that's Portuguese, not Spanish," said Hermione.

"Ah," said Ron. "Not very many tacos either."

"No," said Hermione. "But speaking of food, we are going to get some lunch before our hike."

"A hike? Through there?" Ron asked, pointing at the waterfalls.

"Of course, where else?" asked Hermione.

"You know," said Ron, "I think they definitely put some kind of charm on me, because I definitely tried to go there before, but then whenever I'd try to go, I'd like, get distracted or forget something."

"Yeah, they want us to experience it together," said Hermione.

"Sounds great," said Ron. "Let's go!"

Hermione and Ron picked up a picnic lunch that had been prepared for them, then they headed towards the falls. Ron did a little victory dance when he realized that he passed the threshold he'd been magically forbidden to cross.

"So, do they have a predetermined spot for us to eat, or can we just help ourselves?" Ron asked.

"I'm not sure, but, we have a very long hike. I don't think you want to eat it all now," said Hermione.

"Not all of it. Just a little bit," said Ron. He opened the basket and pulled out a skewer of barbequed meat. He chomped down on the first two pieces and said with a partially fully mouth, "You know, I thought we might be in a completely magical realm when I first got here."

"Right?" Hermione said. "It's crazy how much magic is in the natural world. Besides meeting you guys, the best part about this experience has been being able to just _see_ everything." Ron took Hermione's hand, and she pulled it away. "Sorry," she said. "You have meat juice on your palms."

"I do?" he asked. He looked, licked a few dribbles, then outstretched his hand again. Seeing her sour face, he found a napkin in the basket and wiped it off before offering his hand again. She accepted happily.

"So my Mum keeps sending me owls about you," said Ron. "One a day since we left."

"You're kidding," said Hermione. "That's so sweet. And obsessive."

"'Obsessive' is the word," said Ron. "I sure hope they cut out that meat juice debacle, or I won't hear the end of it."

"Ha! Well, you know there's no chance of that," said Hermione.

"Yeah, hehe, well, they love you, Hermione. It's a huge family, and there's no shortage of love to go around, no matter how many people enter it," he said. "I don't know if Bill told you, but Mum still talks to Kate."

"Yeah, he did mention that," said Hermione. "So you're saying no matter what, a barrage of mail is coming my way."

"Most likely, yeah," said Ron.

"It's funny," said Hermione. "Having seen your family on TV before, I was excited to meet them but also the most nervous, because I knew how intense they were, and I just don't want to upset them!"

"Then don't," said Ron, turning abruptly and kissing her.

* * *

They arrived at the end of a trail that overlooked a horseshoe of waterfalls. Multiple rainbows were shining through the mists, and the water in the air gave each of their skins and shiny glow and glistened in their hair. Their clothes began to cling to their bodies. They stared into each other's eyes, and their stomachs grumbled. Slowly, they erupted into a fit of giggles.

"I think it's time we found a place to eat," said Hermione.

"Yes," said Ron, "but I sure am loving this view."

"Me too," said Hermione. Neither of them were looking at the waterfalls.

They didn't find a dry spot to eat until they got back to the resort, with their feet and legs aching as much as their stomachs for food. They sat down together and ate in a parking lot.

A woman from the resort approached them. "Are you Weasley, Ron, and Granger, Hermione?" she asked.

With full mouths, they both said, "Yes."

"Oh, why are you eating out here? You can eat in your rooms, or in the bar, or the lobby..."

"Uhhh," they said in unison. They had been too tired to walk back into the resort.

"Well, finish up! It is time for your couple's massage!" she said.

"Ooooh!" they exclaimed together, and then, in another fit of giggles, high-fived each other. They ate the rest of the basket in a hurry and headed inside.

"You know," said Ron, "we really ought to thank Gilderoy for arranging all of this."

"Gilderoy? No, Gilderoy doesn't do this. This is Skeeter," said Hermione.

"True," said Ron. "We ought to thank Skeeter."

"Did your Mum suggest that one?" Hermione asked.

Ron sighed. "Yeah."

* * *

They found the spa and were ushered into separate changing rooms. They each received a robe and joined a male and a female masseuse in a room filled with incense and trickling water.

"Are the mini waterfalls really necessary?" asked Ron. "It's just sad, really, next to the big ones out there."

"Let the sound of the water soothe you," said the man, pushing Ron down onto a cot.

"Ow!" Ron protested. "It's just making me need to pee, if anything."

The man looked at Hermione and raised his eyebrow. "You can't be serious about this one," he said. "Beautiful woman like you."

"Victor, stop flirting with the clients," said the woman who had already begun digging into Hermione's shoulders.

Hermione reached out her hand across the gap between the cots, and Ron took it. "I am serious about him. He's one of the best men I've ever dated," she said.

"Then you better keep him," said the woman. "Heaven knows there aren't many girls who can say that sentence with a smile on their face."

"Perhaps I shall," said Hermione.

"Torture dating this one," Ron muttered to Victor playfully.

"Ahhh, well, all the best women are," said Victor with a wink.

* * *

After the massage, Hermione leaned against Ron's shoulder. "Oh, I am ready for a nap," said Hermione muttered.

"I'm feeling lucky," said Ron.

"Oh, you should," Hermione said, then blushed when she remembered cameras were still on her.

"Let's gamble," said Ron.

"Huh?" asked Hermione.

"There's a big casino in here," said Ron. "Let's gamble."

"You...want to...but...we don't have muggle money!" she protested.

"Oh, right," said Ron. He turned to the cameramen. "Say, that's gotta come with the package, right?"

The cameramen shook their heads, but then a grey-haired, dark-skinned old man in what looked like indigenous dress tapped Ron on the shoulder. "Did you say 'muggle'?" he asked in a strong accent.

"Oh...erm...it's British slang for...," Ron started.

"Relax, I know what it means. C'mon, I've got what you're looking for," said the man.

Ron and Hermione stared wide-eyed at the cameramen, who shrugged.

HERMIONE: "Well, this is new. We seem to have met a wizard, or at least, someone associated with the community, that wasn't scripted into the show."

They followed the old wizard into the elevator, and he produced a wand from his robe. He tapped four different buttons with his wand, and they each glowed a different color: green, yellow, dark blue, and white. The elevator lurched upwards. It stopped at floor 13.5.

"It's a magic floor!" Ron squealed. "Hermione, they have a magic floor!"

"This is so exciting!" she agreed. She turned to the cameramen. "Did you guys know about this?"

The cameramen shrugged again. Hermione and Ron entered the wizard casino. It wasn't a large room, but there were a few tabletop card games, a few dice games, and then Ron gasped.

"Hermione, LOOK!" he cried.

Hermione looked. In the corner was a group of wizards playing wizard's chess. The gray-haired man leaned into Ron. "You play chess?" he asked.

"Oh, I play chess," Ron said.

"Well then," said the man. "I challenge you."

HERMIONE CAM: "Wouldn't it be nice if I got to report that Ron made hundreds of galleons at wizard chess here?"

RON CAM: "That would be nice to report...but...listen. The Brazilians, they just have a different playing style than me."

HERMIONE CAM: "He lost about a hundred galleons."

RON CAM: "That old guy. Was a freaking mastermind."

HERMIONE CAM: "Ron got hustled."

The old man, whose name was Abelardo, felt bad for Ron and Hermione, so he sat down with them at the bar in the wizard's casino and ordered them champagne and lobster dinners.

"So, tell me about you two," he said. "What's this? Who are these people following you?"

"Oh, we're on a reality TV show," said Hermione.

"We're dating on TV, and she has two other boyfriends," said Ron.

Abelardo gasped and pointed at Hermione. "You are the Bachelorette!"

"Well, we're not supposed to talk about it, but...," said Hermione.

"Oh oh oh, okay, do not tell me," said Abelardo with a wink. "Ohhhh, this is exciting! I should have known, from the cameras here, haha! So, it is getting pretty serious, yeah?"

"Oh yeah," said Hermione. "I mean, I can't tell you how far along we are, but, I could really see myself with Ron."

"Oh, that is so great!" said Abelardo. "I can see it, the way you two are together, you are just in sync, you know? And I see the respect between you. That is rare. You would have a long, happy marriage."

Ron and Hermione took each others' hands and looked warmly into each others' eyes. Then, the bartender interrupted them.

"Are you Hermione and Ron?" the young man asked.

"Yeah," said Ron.

"I'm supposed to give this to you," he said. Ron accepted the envelope, which was marked with a red rose.

"Oh, I wonder what this is?" Ron asked Hermione slyly. He started opening it, then they turned to Abelardo. "Umm. Hey man, it's been wicked, but..."

"Oh, right right right. Sorry. I'll leave you two alone. Have a good night," said Abelardo. He hugged them both before departing.

"Alright," said Ron. He finished opening the envelope and pulled out the card inside. "Ron and Hermione. I hope you are enjoying your time in beautiful Iguaza Falls. If you would like to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Gilderoy." He raised his eyebrows at Hermione. "So...?"

"So?" Hermione echoed. "Do you want-"

"Yes!" Ron exclaimed, grabbing her face and kissing her.

The bartender saw this and said, "Yo, lovebirds, take it back to your room."

"Shall we?" Ron asked.

"We shall," said Hermione with a blush.

* * *

Their fantasy suite was on the top floor of the hotel. It was a massive suite with a hot tub. There was a plate of desserts set out for them with some wine. One of the walls was entirely made up of glass to offer a stunning view of the falls, and they had a large deck overlooking the resort.

Ron and Hermione spent very little time with any of this before tumbling into the bed, but they appreciated it nonetheless.

* * *

Luna, Cho, and Cedric all exchanged knowing glances before saying in one voice, "Yes!"

* * *

Harry stepped out of the Floo into a quaint apartment. A warm ocean breeze drifted inside the open window, with the faint sounds of villagers below. Harry stepped through the french doors that that lead to a porch that overlooked a street lined with colorful buildings and a beach. The sun was sparkling on the waves. Harry wasn't sure where he was, but he was happy to be there. He unloaded his things and climbed into the bed.

* * *

When Hermione arrived at Italy's Amalfi Coast to meet Harry, he and Hedwig were sitting on the beach with a pizza. "Hermione!" he exclaimed. "Ciao!"

"Ciao, Harry!" Hermione returned with a giggle. They kissed and embraced. "So, I'm guessing you've figured out where you are?"

"Definitely Australia," he said.

"Very funny," said Hermione. "Wait, you _are_ joking, rii-"

"Yes, Hermione, I know I'm in Italy!" Harry said. Then, he couldn't help himself and hugged her again. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," she said.

"Pizza?" he asked.

"Umm," she said. Hedwig was picking the toppings off Harry's pie and throwing them onto the sand.

"Oh, bloody hell, Hedwig!" Harry groaned, picking up the bird and putting him back into his cage. Hedwig's white face had been stained with tomato sauce, making him look less like a friendly pet and more like a wild bird of prey fresh from the hunt.

"It's fine," said Hermione. "Let's get another, and I'll give you the itinerary."

"Sounds good," said Harry.

He picked up Hedwig's cage and lead Hermione to the little restaurant where he'd bought the pizza. When they walked into the joint, the man behind the counter said, "HARRY! Back again so soon?"

"Yeah, Hedwig got to it," said Harry.

"Ahhh, naughty bird! Say, who are all these guys with cameras? Wait a minute...IS THIS THE GIRL?!"

"Yeah! Lorenzo, meet Hermione. Hermione, Lorenzo. He makes pizza," said Harry.

"Oh, nice to meet you. I take it Harry's been in here a lot," said Hermione.

"Every day since he got here," said Lorenzo. "We've had some good talks. He has the best things to say about you, Hermione. Harry, I must say, you did not exaggerate her beauty."

"Oh, thank you," said Hermione.

"Hermione, what's your favorite pizza? I'll make it," said Lorenzo. "On the house."

"Do you have sweetcorn?" Hermione asked.

"Sweetcorn?! Oh no, you are just like this one," said Lorenzo. "No, no sweetcorn. And don't you dare ask me for pineapple either."

"Ugh, fine," said Hermione. "Mushroom, onion, and pepperoni."

"Now that's a pizza," said Lorenzo. "One Hermione, coming right up."

Lorenzo retreated to the kitchen. Hermione turned to Harry and laughed, and they found a seat in the restaurant.

"You really are enjoying yourself," said Hermione.

"This is a great place," said Harry. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Well, I have MBBC's itinerary for us right here, but now I kinda want to know what you think we should do," said Hermione. "Since you're man of the town now."

"Oh, after this, we should get gelato," said Harry. "And then we should go to this pasta place for dinner later."

"So basically, you've been eating," said Hermione.

"Of course," said Harry. "It's Italy." As if on cue, Lorenzo reappeared with a basket of breadsticks and marinara sauce for them. "Gratzi, Lorenzo."

"Yes, gratzi," said Hermione, almost in disbelief. "Well, there's more than food in Italy. We're going to visit an old Roman village."

"Cool," Harry said.

"Then we're going to a limoncello distillery," said Hermione.

"A what?"

"A limoncello distillery. Limoncello is liquor," said Hermione.

"Oh, okay! I'm down," said Harry with a grin.

"And then my itinerary just says, 'paper,'" said Hermione with a laugh. "So I dunno. We're going to look at paper."

"Cool," said Harry absentmindedly, taking a giant bite out of a breadstick.

"This is such a beautiful place!" Hermione said. "It's like a postcard. Oh, I'd love to live in a quaint little place like this."

The pizza arrived, and they dug in.

"I could totally get behind living by this pizza joint," said Harry. "Actually, I think I'm going to see if we can get a Floo hook up here."

Hermione laughed incredulously. "There's no fireplace!"

"Sure there is," said Harry. "The wood-fired oven. That counts as a fireplace, right?"

"Yeah...but...how are you going to explain to Lorenzo why you keep popping into the kitchen all the time?"

"Ahh, yeah, I guess you're right," said Harry.

"You know," said Hermione, "this show has gotten Floos set up in some very unlikely places."

Harry nearly spat out his water. "Oh my gosh, I never even thought of that! Like...this is a beach town! Why is there a fireplace in my room?"

"Exactly! And then do they just leave it there?"

"Maybe there's some sort of perception spell on it so that muggles don't notice it," said Harry. "I could probably figure it out."

"You're probably right. Seeing as we didn't think about it until now," said Hermione.

They ate another piece of pizza each in almost silence. Then, Harry said, "Okay, this is really bugging me now."

"The Floo?! Me too!"

"Let's go investigate," he said.

"Yaaaassss!"

Harry called for a box for his pizza, then said, "What did you just say?"

"I said...yes."

"Oh," said Harry. "Sorry. It kinda sounded weird."

"It's...something my friends and I say."

"Oh, alright. So Floo."

"Floo," agreed Hermione.

* * *

Harry and Hermione entered Harry's room.

"Oh my gosh, it's so cute!" Hermione gushed.

"Uhh...yeah," said Harry. "So, what's on the itinerary then?"

Hermione sat down at the table next to the window, opened the pizza box, and took out another slice. "Let me see. We're supposed to go the Roman village first." She turned to the crew. "How are we getting there?"

"Oh, a bus is coming to get you," said the crewman.

"Oh," said Hermione. "They could have come to the pizza place."

"Yeah, why did we rush here?" asked Harry.

Hermione looked at Harry, then around the room. "I don't remember. But it is a cute room. Especially the fireplace."

Harry stared at the fireplace. "Yeah," he said.

* * *

They made out until the bus arrived. The obligatory tourist bus arrived and took them to the village. Harry and Hermione were the last to exit, and they were the only ones at the village, because magic.

"This is awesome," said Hermione. She look Harry's hand, and they walked through the columns. Then, a centaur greeted them.

"Oh, hello," said Harry. Harry and Hermione tensed up, as centaurs were not known to be friendly to humans.

"It's fine," said the centaur. "Hello. My name is Firenze, and I am a friend to humans."

"Oh, well, we, humans, appreciate it," said Harry.

"I heard you two had a weird encounter with a psychic on your first date," said Firenze.

"We did!" Hermione laughed. "That was a memorable date, wasn't it?"

"Oh my gods, yes," said Harry, "but surprisingly good despite being told I was going to die."

"Which nearly happened," said Hermione.

"Yeah, so spooky," said Harry.

"How would you like to have a second reading?" asked Firenze.

"What now?" asked Harry.

He handed Harry a cup of wine. "Drink this," said Firenze.

Harry looked at Hermione, who shrugged. Harry took a giant swallow, and then immediately spat it out. "Ugh, I'm sorry. That's disgusting."

"HAHA!" Firenze laughed heartily. "That's okay, I just need the dregs. You can spill it out...slowly though, don't lose any."

Harry slowly spilled out the wine, feeling very awkward for dumping dark red wine on the floor of the a ruin. Firenze took the cup from his hand before Harry lost the dregs, and then he examined them. "Hmm," said Firenze.

"It's the Grim, isn't it?" asked Harry with a nervous chuckle.

"No," said Firenze. "I see palm trees."

"Well, those are everywhere around here," said Harry.

"No, in the wine," said Firenze. "It's a sign of imminent happiness and marriage."

Harry and Hermione raised their eyebrows at each other.

HERMIONE CAM: "Of course we know that that's the end goal here, but to hear it out loud like that was jarring. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was exciting, but scary."

HARRY CAM: "He's getting paid to say that, right? It's gotta be the Grim. It's _always_ the Grim."

"But," Firenze said, "it is fuzzy. This means that fate is yet to determine the person you will marry."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other again, this time in confusion. "You must be reading Hermione's fortune," said Harry.

"No," said Firenze. "This is you."

"Huh," said Harry.

"Please, enjoy the rest of your stay. When you are ready, take this Portkey to go to your next stop." Firenze gestured to an urn laying on the ground. "Ciao."

Firenze walked out of the building and into a forest. Hermione took Harry's hand. "Well," she said. "It couldn't be normal with us, could it?"

He smiled. "Still sure you're up for this insanity forever?"

Hermione smiled and picked up the urn. They were instantly pulled out of the Roman village to a lemon orchard. Hermione sniffed the air. "Oh, wow. It smells like home."

"It smells like muggle cleaning products," said Harry.

"Exactly," said Hermione.

On the top of a hill, there was a collection of tan buildings with red roofs. Harry and Hermione made their way and found some locals sipping yellow drinks in a courtyard. A woman greeted them. "Harry and Hermione?" she pronounced.

"Yes," said Hermione.

"We've been expecting you! Please, come in," she said, opening the door for them.

She took them on a tour of the distillery, and then they were given a light meal and free drinks.

"Hey, Hermione?" Harry asked. "Something's been bothering me."

"Okay?" Hermione asked tentatively.

"The f******* fireplace," he said.

She slammed down her drink. "THE F******* FIREPLACE!"

"How did that even happen?!" he cried.

"I don't know! My gods, their charms department is on point!" Hermione exclaimed. The locals shot them strange looks, and Hermione lowered her voice. "I have honestly never felt so stupid in my entire life."

"Right? F***** Tom Riddle wasn't even this good," Harry said.

"You know what else is good? This limoncello," said Hermione.

"It's not something I'd drink on a regular basis, but it's good," agreed Harry. "It's really cool that they make it right here, too. So, what's next on our itinerary?"

"Paper," said Hermione. "I still don't get it. Just waiting for instructions from our overlords."

"Excuse me," said a local, an older, balding man. "Did you say you are going to the Paper Museum?"

"Ummm...maybe?" Hermione answered.

"You should go," he said. "I know, it doesn't sound exciting, but, it is our history."

"Okay, can you explain that a little more?" asked Hermione.

"They say that paper was invented in China," said the man. "Bah! What do they know? It was first made right here in Amalfi."

"Oh, that's wicked!" Hermione said to the man. "Thank you." She turned back to Harry and whispered, "It was China."

"Well," said Harry, "I think I might need a little more of this before we go to a paper museum." He shook his empty glass. "Gonna be a wild time."

"Only the best dates the MBBC has to offer for us," said Hermione, following Harry back to the bar.

"You know, we could _skip_ the paper museum and go investigate that fireplace," Harry suggested.

"Don't tempt me," Hermione said with a wink.

* * *

After procuring their next drink, a bus arrived at the distillery. Their tour guide called for them, and they took their limoncello onto the private bus. They enjoyed the scenery on their way to the next destination, the Amalfi Paper Museum.

It was a relatively small building, nothing like the huge ones Hermione's parents had taken her to in London as a child. They entered and were able to walk around undisturbed for a while. Harry was not amused, but Hermione's inner nerd started to emerge. She imagined everything that had been written on the paper that came from those machines. Finally, they came to a workshop at the end of the museum.

"Harry and Hermione!" a man greeted them. "I hope you have enjoyed your time in the museum?"

"Oh, yes!" Hermione exclaimed sincerely. Harry mumbled a "yes" as well.

"How would you like to make your own paper today?" the man asked.

"Wicked," said Hermione, again with no sarcasm. Harry simply nodded.

The man lead them through the process of making paper. First, they soaked cotton, linen, and hemp in a large sink. Then, they rolled the mixture through a giant wheel that flattened it. They were allowed to dye it any color they wanted. Hermione chose a pale pink, and Harry a Gryffindor gold. They pressed out the water and laid the paper to dry.

"I'll admit," said Harry, "I was less than enthused by this activity when I first heard about it, but, that was kinda relaxing. It's nice to do something by hand for a change."

"I agree," said Hermione, taking his hand warmly.

The man said, "You two are sweet. I'd like to give you a present."

"Oh, you don't have to," said Hermione, blushing.

"He probably does," Harry muttered.

"Here," said the man, handing them each a white sheet of paper, "write. To each other. I will seal away your letters, and you can read them tomorrow morning."

"Oh! Oh, okay," said Hermione, accepting.

"Uhhh, sure!" Harry said.

HARRY CAM: "Merlin! Can the pressure on this date get any greater? I might as well be writing my wedding vows! Erm...I mean, head start, I guess!"

They went to separate rooms to contemplate. When finished, the crew took them to dinner on the beach.

"What did you write?" Harry asked her over a plate of seafood pasta.

"I'm not telling!" Hermione gasped. "That's no fun."

"I was nervous as hell, I'll admit," said Harry.

"Really? Why?" asked Hermione.

"Because if I write something stupid, that's how you're going to remember me before the rose ceremony!" he exclaimed.

Her stomach gave a lurch when he said "rose ceremony." Once again, another round of dates was leaving her more as opposed to less conflicted. A crewmember approached their table with an envelope.

"Oh, good," said Harry in relief. "Let's get it over with now."

"Get it over with? Geez, Mr. Romance over here," said Hermione. She handed him the envelope.

"Me first, alright," said Harry. He opened it. "Oh, this isn't our letters. This is from Gilderoy. Harry and Hermione," Harry read, "I hope that you are enjoying your stay on beautiful Amalfi Coast in Greece." He stopped. "Wait, _Greece?!_ "

"NO!" Hermione burst. "It does NOT say Greece!"

He flashed her the card. "Greece."

She looked at it and screamed. "Gilderoy really is an idiot, isn't he?!"

"Either that or we're in the wrong place," said Harry. He continued. "Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite." He raised his eyebrows at her. "Well then..."

"Do you want to?"

He sighed. "I had another idea," he said.

"Wha...umm...okay?"

"One word," he said. "Fireplace."

Hermione slammed down her fork. She took his hand, and they apparated to Harry's room.

"Wait...THIS IS THE FANTASY SUITE?!" Hermione shouted when they arrived.

"Haha, no way! I'm staying in the fantasy suite! Wait...NO! That doesn't make sense!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, there's never a Floo in the...OH MY GODS!"

Harry gasped and whipped out his wand at the fireplace. "AHAHA! WE'VE GOT YOU NOW!"

Hermione screamed, thinking Harry might be undergoing a bout of PTSD instead of about to begin a magical investigation. But, he didn't attack the fireplace, and instead began a series of magical de-enchantments. Hermione joined. It was a puzzle, but together, they cracked it. When they were done, they laid on the floor, exhausted.

"That. Was. Awesome!" Hermione exclaimed.

"That was damn good, wasn't it?" Harry said. "You were bloody brilliant."

"So were you," said Hermione. She paused. "Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you going to get home now that we've deprogrammed the Floo?"

He paused. "Bollocks."

"That was kinda dumb now that I think about it."

"Yeah, but...we won."

"Totally won."

"Want to go to the fantasy suite now?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

The fantasy suite was more of a fantasy cottage on the top of a hill. It had the standard fantasy suite amenities: a kitchenette with champagne and desserts waiting, the king bed, the hot tub. It was full of Italian art that looked suspiciously real to Hermione.

* * *

After they departed in the morning, Harry and Hermione received their letters. Hermione sat reading Harry's surprisingly heartwarming paragraph in the pegasus-drawn carriage next to Gilderoy. She had tears in her eyes.

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _I have not been a very lucky man. I have always longed for something normal, something real, something right in my life, and I believe that I have found it in you. I hope that you feel the same way too. I love you, Hermione. I know I'm not the most romantic guy, or the best looking, but I do love you. I hope that counts for something. I would be more than honored to spend the rest of my life with you._

 _Harry_

"So," Gilderoy said, breaking her thoughts, "you know you _have_ to make a decision. We can't cliffhanger this one. It's The Men Tell All next week, and then, well..."

Hermione sighed. "Right," she said. "Gilderoy, if you had asked me at the start of this who the final two were going to be...this is definitely not what I would have thought. I had a couple of very strong initial connections, and...this connection grew very strong very fast...but...after spending another whole day with all three of these men...oh, Gilderoy! I can't do this!"

"You _have_ to!" Gilderoy sighed. "I mean, I get that it's hard, but, you know, follow your heart."

"Gilderoy, where are they? The men, I mean. Are they all in London?"

"Yes," he said. "Waiting for you."

"I can't do this break-up at the rose ceremony. Gilderoy, this person deserves so much better than that," said Hermione.

"Ohhhh, I see what you're saying," said Gilderoy. This hadn't been the first time the Bachelor and Bachelorette had decided on a "dignified break-up" over the traditional rose ceremony. He personally thought that the rose ceremony was cleaner and easier, but, he understood the impulse. With how close Hermione had gotten to her final three, it surely made sense. "Okay, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "Who do you need?"

* * *

Ron lay in his hotel room wearing only his boxers staring mindlessly at the telly when an unexpected knock startled him. He quickly threw on pants and went to the door. Hermione was there in plain clothes and looking glum, but still breathtaking in his eyes.

"Hey," he said soothingly, taking her in his arms. "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk," she said.

"Okay," he said shakily. They sat down on the foot of the nearest bed.

"Ron," Hermione started, then sighed. He took her hand. "Ron," she started again. "You have been nothing but wonderful throughout this whole thing."

"Yeah?" he said. His voice cracked. His head was spinning. He had an idea what was happening, but he didn't want to believe it.

"Ron, I need you to know, that I truly was falling in love with you," said Hermione.

Ron shook his head. "Then why..." he started. Tears started to fall from his eyes despite his best efforts. "No, Hermione, you're mixed up. This can't be right."

"I took as much time as I could to think about it, Ron. This is what my heart and my head both tell me is right," said Hermione. "There was of course a large part of me that didn't want to believe it. I wanted it to be you, for so long, I really did."

"THEN WHY?!" Ron burst. He threw her hand away and sprang off the bed. "If you want it to be me, why not just let it be me?"

"Because I can't, Ron! There are other feelings involved. Feelings that have grown so strong I can't deny them," said Hermione. "And although everything was right between us, there are just things that are...more right."

Ron sighed and crouched down on the floor. Hermione bent down to console him, and Ron swatted her away. "Leave me," he said.

"I'm not leaving you like this!" she protested.

"Do you love him? Or both of them, whatever?"

"Yes," said Hermione. "I am in love."

He gritted his teeth and groaned, throwing his head back against the bed. Without looking at her, he said, "Fine."

"Fine? That's all you have to say?"

"What the bloody hell else do you want me to say, Hermione?"

"Fine. Okay then." She went to the door, and turned back to say something else. No, she thought. Let him be for now. He'll come around, and maybe, just maybe, Molly Weasley won't murder me.

* * *

Neville and Harry sat on the giant couch at the Bachelor mansion. "Where's Ron?" Neville asked.

"He didn't respond to my text," said Harry. "So I don't know. I hope everything's okay."

Gilderoy and Hermione entered. Harry and Neville stood up. Hermione beamed at them.

"Gentlemen," said Gilderoy. "Hermione," he said, nodding to her. "I'll leave you to it." Gilderoy left.

Harry's and Neville's confused eyes followed him out of the room, then turned their attention back to Hermione. She was smiling warmly. "Harry, Neville," she said.

"Hermione," they said together, then snickered. No matter how their numbers dwindled, the suitors always responded the same way.

"I sent Ron home this morning," she said.

"Oh, shit," said Harry.

"So, Neville, Harry," Hermione said. She picked up the rose tray from the coffee table. "Will you accept these roses, and come to meet my parents?"

"YES!" they cried.

It was an awkward portrait: Harry on one side, Neville on the other, each bearing a rose on his lapel. They both kissed her, and then stared over her head at each other. In one week, one of them would be proposing to her. Each had good reason to be confident. And Hermione between them, had surely fallen in love with one, but was also falling fast for the other. If this experience had taught her anything, it's that a whole lot could happen in only one week.

* * *

 **A/N: Guys...GUYS...I changed the ending to this chapter about three times. I'm still unsure about it, ugh! The struggle is REAL! I resorted to writing a letter not only to Harry but to Ron and Neville to compare her feelings. I'll try to work the two letters into the last chapter. I'm excited to take a break from the feels and write "The Men Tell All" for you. See you next time on MBBC's The Bachelorette!**


	12. Chapter 12: The Men Tell All

**A/N: Happy Thanksgiving! :)**

* * *

Cho, Cedric, and Luna stood in line to enter the MBBC live studio. Bachelor fanatics stood around them, many dressed in devotion to their favorite contestant. There were some wearing fake glasses and lightning scars on their foreheads. There was a TEAM NEVILLE group, and a much larger MARRY ME RON group. There were too many Viktor fangirls-and fanboys-and too many SNAPE'S ARMY shirts to count (and the more direct FUCK YOU-KNOW-WHO). Then there were the outliers, the FUTURE MRS. SMITHs and FUTURE MRS. FINCH-FLETCHLEYs. There was a male fan bearing a shirt that Luna adored with Dean and Seamus's pictures together in a heart. Most of these people wouldn't even get into the studio. Cho, Cedric, and Luna, however, had a golden ticket.

"Oh my gosh," Cho whispered. "Is that the Weasleys?"

Luna gasped. "Yes! That's Molly and Arthur." A mass of Ron fangirls had crowded around them and were taking selfies with them.

"Ahh, yes, and your name was?" Molly was asking them. They giggled and listed their names. "Okay, and your ages?...That's not _too_ young, do you think, Arthur?"

"Too young for what?" Arthur asked. "Oh, no, Molly!"

"Yes, I'll give Ron your numbers," said Molly. The fangirls screeched. Arthur pressed his hands to his ears in misery.

"Hm," said Luna. "Should I throw my hat in that ring?"

Cho smacked her. "Too far," she said. "You can have anyone from the bottom ten."

Luna considered, then shrugged.

The doors to the studio opened, and those with tickets were ushered inside. Luna, Cho, and Cedric were seated in a front row on the left. The chairs were all assembled.

"Do you think Draco or Blaise will show their faces?" Cho asked.

"Umm, no," said Luna. "Pretty sure they'd be mysteriously killed backstage. I do hope Severus shows, though."

"What about that muggle bloke?" asked Cedric.

"Oh, yeah," said Cho. "Was his memory wiped?" Luna nodded. "Then he couldn't," Cho said.

"That's a shame," said Cedric. "He'd have shook things up a bit. This group likes each other far too much for a reality show."

"That is true," laughed Cho. "This is going to be a really tame Men Tell All."

The lights flickered. Gilderoy stepped onto the stage, and the audience shrieked in excitement.

"Hello Bachelor Nation!" he cried. The screams were deafening. He was in his best white suit, and his teeth had been whitened to match. "Okay, I-"

"I LOVE YOU GILDEROY!"

"Hi, Molly!" Gilderoy said with a wave.

"WOOO!"

Laughs and cheers. Gilderoy held up his hands to quiet them down. "Okay, so, we're going to line up the boys now." Cheering at this. He held up his hands again. "When we announce each bachelor, I want you to cheer as if you're seeing them for the first time, even though it will _not_ be the first time. Understand? You must act surprised."

They clapped and nodded to indicate their understanding, and Gilderoy flashed them a bigger smile. "Great. I'll go get them now."

* * *

"Gentlemen," said Marcus Flint, "the pool is now open."

"Five on Harry Potter," said Dean Thomas, slamming the galleons onto Marcus's open ledger.

"I've got another two on Harry," said Lee Jordan.

"Honestly, I'm surprised Harry is there over me," said Zach. "I'll take three on Neville."

"Fool, it's Harry Potter," said Lee. "Shut your mouth."

"Actually, I have five on Neville," said Colin.

"Oh, _Colin_ 's got Neville?" asked Seamus. "Then five on Neville for me too! Oliver, where you at?"

"Gah, I don't know!" Oliver exclaimed. "They're both so deserving."

"Shut up," Lee said. "Put that money on Harry."

"Yeah, alright, two on Harry," said Oliver. "Who else is here?" He looked around. "Cormac! Who you got?"

"Huh?" Cormac asked.

"In the pool?" asked Oliver.

"There's a pool here?" Cormac asked.

"Yeah, Marcus's pool!"

"Marcus _brought_ his pool!? Sweet, I brought my speedo!"

"Oh, no," said Oliver. "That's not...aaaaaaaaand he's naked."

A crewmember entered their room. "Alright, guys, time to line up." He looked at Cormac. "And for Merlin's sake, man, put on some clothes!"

"BUT IT'S CORMAC TIME!" Lee cried. The men laughed and clapped. The crewmember rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "Line up in order of when you left the show, alright?"

"Uh-huh," said Ernie Macmillian. "Zach, that means you first."

"Very funny," said Zach. "And who are you?"

Ernie pointed to his shirt. He wore a name tag that said "HELLO, MY NAME IS NOT ZACHARIAS SMITH."

"Ohhhh shit," said Dean. "Drama ahead, boys!"

"Save it for the cameras," said Justin. He ushered Zach to the back of the line with him. Ernie glared at them from the front.

* * *

"Alright, Bachelor Nation, here they are! Your bachelors...ERNIE MACMILLIAN! CORMAC MCLAGGEN! VIKTOR KRUM!" Pause for excessive cheering. "SEAMUS FINNEGAN! MARCUS FLINT! SEVERUS SNAPE!" At this, all of the men around Severus threw their arms around him while the audience leaped to their feet. Severus's face remained stoic. What the bloody hell was actually happening? He pushed the boys off himself and shivered. Damn Dumbledore for making him do this episode. "COLIN CREEVY! LEE JORDAN! DEAN THOMAS! OLIVER WOOD!" There were a few "boos" at Oliver Wood, to which Oliver looked at the guys around him in shock. "JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLY! And ZACHARIAS SMITH!" The audience cheered until they were ordered to quiet down. "AAAND!" Gilderoy interjected, "Ron Weasley _is also_ here!" The cheers started up again at this announcement, with even more passion. "BUT," Gilderoy continued, "he will not be joining us until a little later. And of course, our bachelorette, HERMIONE GRANGER!" The audience sprang back to their feet at this announcement. Luna and Cho exchanged proud looks. This was all their doing.

"Okay, Bachelor Nation, we've already had quite the season, haven't we? I know we say this a lot, but this _truly_ was, the most dramatic season in bachelor history. And I sincerely hope that we _never_ top this one, folks. Wow. So, how about we just get this out of the way now? Severus, will you please join me in the hot seat?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yeah, Professor!" the boys cried in agreement. Severus was still in shock at his reception by this group. Never in his life had he been so welcomed. Usually the best he could hope for was indifference. He sat beside Gilderoy.

"Professor Snape," said Gilderoy. "I think you were easily the most controversial figure on the show night one."

"Was I?" Severus asked. "How? I barely did anything. I talked to Hermione, I got my rose, and I left everyone else alone."

"Oh, ho ho!" Gilderoy said. "Cue the clips."

The audience turned their attention to the big screen on the right end of the stage. Cormac's face appeared, saying, "Da f*** is this old guy doing here? Move along, grandpa! Hermione is _my_ woman!"

The audience laughed and _ooooooh_ ed in sympathy. Cormac turned red. "I see," said Severus. "Pray tell me, Cormac, what does a 'magical model' do?

""I...I get my picture taken for advertisements and such," said Cormac.

"I see," said Severus. "And what's _magical_ about that?"

"I model wands," said Cormac. "Robes. Brooms."

"Yes, but what _magic_ do you do?" Severus pressed. The audience was giggling.

Lee Jordan raised his hand. "Uhh, Professor?"

"Yes, Lee," said Severus.

"His _face_ is the magic, sir," said Lee. "Obviously."

"Obviously," Severus echoed. Was that a smile that briefly cracked his face?

Gilderoy laughed, and then said, "Yes, Lee, as I recall, you had something to say about the Professor too!"

 _LEE CAM: There's something wrong with that bloke. He's like wicked creepy. He just be staring at us like..." He shivered. "I dunno. This is weird, man. What is he doing here? What is his game?"_

The men were dying of laughter. Lee and Severus locked eyes. Lee stammered. "Umm, obviously, sir," Lee began, "I did not know you that well and was judging you by your age and your looks. This man is a hero, and I apologize for my childish words. But, if I'm being honest, you do still scare me quite a lot, sir."

"Thank you, Lee," said Severus. "I accept your apology." The audience clapped and cheered appropriately.

"But," said Gilderoy, "there have been rumors since the _incident_ that the Order of the Phoenix planted you on the show specifically to protect Harry Potter. What can you say to that, Severus?"

Severus scoffed. "It is not true. The Order is of course always looking out for Mr. Potter, but, I came on the show of my own accord for one simple reason. I was lonely."

"Awwwwww," said the audience.

"You know, I am not the best looking man. I spent most of my life pining for a woman who would never return my feelings. I knew it was late for me, but, I really did want to put myself out there," said Severus. "Now, when I applied, I didn't think for a second you would actually choose me, but, I am glad you did."

"Hermione _did_ have some early feelings for you. You got one of the first one-on-ones, and had quite a nice relationship in the beginning. What changed?" said Gilderoy.

"The world changed," said Severus. "The Order is much busier now. And I did realize...she wasn't going to pick me, in the end. I could see, the way she interacted with the boys, and the way she interacted with me. It wasn't right, in the end. But she and the young men here now inspired me to devote myself even more deeply to the cause of fighting dark magic." Applause.

"But, don't you wonder what would have happened if you'd have stayed?" asked Gilderoy.

"Sure I do," said Severus. "But, my love life has experienced a significant boost since I've been on the show."

"Oooooh!" said the audience.

"Care to elaborate?" Gilderoy pressed.

"No," Severus said. "Can I please go back to my seat now?"

"Ahhhh, fine," said Gilderoy. "Severus Snape, everyone!"

"WOOOOOOOO!" the audience cheered. Several of the men in the chairs opened their jackets again, exposing their SNAPE'S ARMY shirts.

"Alright," said Gilderoy. "It's time for a commercial break. When we come back, we'll talk about how Hermione was able to cast such a powerful spell over Bachelor Nation, and...was Zacharias Smith _really_ destined to go home week two? Stay tuned!"

* * *

During the commercial breaks, the audience was allowed to ask questions of the men. The first round had culminated in a slide show of "The Best of Cormac McLaggen."

"I need to ask Viktor something," Cedric said.

"Okay," said Cho. "What are you going to ask him?"

"I don't know," said Cedric, staring at the stage blankly. "But as Hermione isn't going to be marrying him, this will be my only chance to say something."

The lights flickered to indicate it was time to begin again. The audience hushed, and Cormac's pictures left the screen. Gilderoy welcomed the viewers back to the show.

"Hermione Granger surely captured the hearts of millions, as well every bachelor we see before us. Tell me, bachelors, what is it about Hermione?" asked Gilderoy.

"When you see Hermione," said Colin, "it's like every other girl in the universe doesn't exist."

"Yeah, I definitely had a similar experience," said Seamus. "She is everything you want in a witch."

"She is smart," said Justin, "she is classy, and she is, of course, beautiful."

"Even when she sent you home, she really made you feel like she was sorry," said Marcus. "She did a good job at making us all feel like we mattered."

Ernie Macmillian scoffed.

"Speaking of sending people home," said Gilderoy, "one controversy this season has been the sheer number of you that Hermione sent home apart from rose ceremonies. Raise your hand if you were sent home on a one-on-one date." Viktor, Seamus, Colin, and Dean raised their hands. "So, let me ask you this, guys," said Gilderoy. "Do you feel like you were sent home prematurely or unfairly?"

"Heck no," said Colin. "I screwed up." Everyone laughed. Lee patted him on the back reassuringly.

"For those of you who need a refresher, Colin is of course referring to when he told Hermione 'I love you,' on their one-on-one," said Gilderoy.

"That's tricky though!" Dean exclaimed. "Because _I_ feel like _I_ was sent home for _not_ saying 'I love you!'"

"This show is a tricky dance," said Justin. "You have to fall for the girl, which I think, none of us had a real problem with in the beginning. But then every relationship gets on a different track. And if Hermione isn't falling for you at the same rate you're falling for her, it kinda all fell apart. At least that's what I felt like was happening towards the end. The two guys who are left were always on the same page as her," said Justin.

"That's very well said," said Gilderoy.

"I want to say," said Dean, "I learned so much about myself from this. I had such a great first one-on-one with Hermione that I got cocky and thought I could just skate through to the end. It doesn't work like that, man. Nothing in life works like that."

"Dean, you sound like you're talking about winning a race or something," said Oliver.

"I don't care what anyone says, this is as much a competition show as it is a dating show," said Dean. "And some people knew how to play the game very well."

"And _I_ was not one of them," said Colin.

"Yeah, if Colin had kept his big mouth shut, maybe he'd have stuck around. Who knows?" said Dean.

"Although," said Oliver, "yes, you're right. It is a game. But I don't think anyone can legitimately argue that Harry and Neville are still there because they simply played a good game."

"Oh, absolutely not," agreed Dean.

"Okay, this is great," said Gilderoy. "Let's hear from Viktor. He was the first to leave on a date. What'd you think of Hermione's letting you go?"

Everyone hushed when Viktor spoke. "I think," said Viktor, "that if you are not feeling a connection with someone when you are on a one-on-one date, it is only right to send them home. For me especially, with being a professional athlete, I had asked her on an earlier date to send me home if she had doubts."

"Oh, I don't think many of us knew that," said Gilderoy.

"A conversation that ended up on the cutting room floor," said Viktor. "Yes. Hermione did the right thing, although of course it made me sad."

"Seamus?" Gilderoy asked.

"I don't know," said Seamus. "I mean, Colin's talking about how he screwed up, but, I made a right fool of myself on my date too. If I hadn't teleported the Blarney Stone, maybe me and Hermione would have had more quality time, and maybe she would have felt differently about me. I just kept thinking about that, you know?"

"If only we had time turners," said Gilderoy.

"Exactly!" Seamus exclaimed.

"Okay, well, we're going to take another break. When we come back: good guy, or con artist? Zacharias Smith joins us in the hot seat! Stay tuned!"

* * *

Gilderoy invited Molly and Arthur Weasley on stage to answer questions, and the white-suited host went offstage to have some liquor. Zach turned to Justin.

"Con artist? Is that what they're calling me?" Zach asked. "Why? What'd I do?"

Justin shrugged his shoulders politely. "A lot of people don't like you, Zach."

"Wha?" he huffed. "What'd I do?"

"People thought you shouldn't have been in the top four, is all," said Justin.

"Well, that's not their decision," said Zach. He turned around and looked at Ernie. "This is about Ernie, isn't it?"

"Maybe," said Justin.

"Idiot," scoffed Zach. "He's just butthurt from being sent home week two."

"Well," said Justin. "The fact that Hermione didn't immediately correct her mistake, kind of implies that she wasn't planning on keeping _either_ of you around. People think you might have...weaseled your way through."

"Hermione had many opportunities to send me home," said Zach. "She sent home lots of guys, and she didn't me. Why doesn't anyone see that we actually had something?"

The lights flickered. The audience cheered for Arthur and Molly, then cheered for the beginning of the next segment.

"Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!" Gilderoy began. "Every season of _The Bachelor_ and _Bachelorette_ has some controversial contestants. While the worst of this season's are not here today, we do have one Zacharias Smith. Now Zach flew under the radar in the beginning, _so_ under the radar that Hermione nearly sent him home week two."

"She did," whispered Ernie. "She _did_ send him home, but she said _my_ name!"

"So how did Zach make it all the way to hometowns? Let's find out. Zacharias Smith, everyone!" There were polite claps, and some enthusiastic cheers, from the audience. Zach sat beside Gilderoy. "So, Zach," said Gilderoy. "How did you feel when you learned that you were going to go home week two?"

"I think that's a very unfair question," Zach started.

He was unable to finish, because Ernie stood up. "Don't talk to me about unfair! Because she got our names wrong, _you_ got to spend more time with her! She got to know _you_ better, and she took _you_ all the way to hometowns! That should have been _me!_ "

"Do you _hear_ how stupid that sounds? If she cared _that much_ about keeping you, then why didn't she correct it? She made a conscious decision to keep me and let you go that day, however it happened," said Zach.

"To be fair," interjected Gilderoy, "it _is_ surprising that you stuck around as long as you did given that at this point she didn't know you well enough to get your name right."

"Well," said Justin, "it's like Ernie said. She got to know Zach better as the weeks progressed. Maybe Ernie _would_ have stayed longer than another week."

"It did seem at some points that Hermione had her mind made up before we even did anything," agreed Oliver.

"But then new information would change her mind," said Zach.

"You were quite the master at that," said Gilderoy. "I think this is where the controversy comes in. It seems every time you were on the chopping block, something would happen to cause her to let someone else go. The incident with Oliver, for example."

"Did I get a lucky break? Sure," admitted Zach. "Ernie, I am sorry about the way this went down. I would much rather have been chosen on my merits than because of a screw up with names. Still," he said, "Hermione and I really did bond. Just because most of the early footage of me was edited out, doesn't mean I wasn't there. We had conversations. We had moments."

"Ultimately, the show lets you see what they want you to see," said Justin. "I was on the two-on-one with Zach. I can vouch for his and Hermione's connection."

"She _wanted_ to pick _you_ , though!" Lee groaned. "Man, listen to this! Zach's got Justin duped too. Did you _watch_ that episode? Hermione was _devastated_ that she wasn't giving you the rose! And she didn't give you the rose because Zach was the one showering her with affection. On his one-on-one, she was going to let him go, and then he wouldn't leave. He showered her with affection until she gave in. That's his game, man! This is a man who knew how to play the game. He hangs out in the background, he's harmless, she forgets about him, she sends others home. He skated all the way to hometowns like that. It's stupid."

Some audience members cheered. Zach seethed. Before Gilderoy could speak, Severus spoke up. "This whole argument is stupid," he said. "What does it matter why or how someone got to whatever spot in the line of Hermione's exes? Zach isn't going to marry her any more than Ernie is going to marry her. End of story. End of _all_ of our stories."

They sat in silence. Gilderoy cleared his throat. "Aaand it's time for a commercial break! When we come back, we'll talk about this season's best bromances, and we'll talk to Oliver Wood about his bizarre exit from the show."

Gilderoy opened the floor to new questions from the audience. Cedric shot his hand into the air.

"Yes," said Gilderoy, pointing at him. "The handsome man in the front row."

"My question is for Viktor Krum," said Cedric. "Hi. I'm Cedric, I'm Hermione's friend, actually. Captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team my last two years there. Ummm. I dunno, I just wanted to talk to you, man. You're a legend. I was so bummed when Hermione sent you home, because whoever she marries, I'm gonna be around a lot, and...how's Bulgaria looking this year?"

Cho dropped her head into her hands. "He can ask him anything, and he picks the most basic question possible!" she whispered.

Luna was recording the exchange on her phone. "Look at him fanboy. So cute," said Luna.

"Thank you very much for your kind words, sir. I too am sad Hermione sent me home, haha! We would have been good friends, I'm sure," said Viktor. "Bulgaria is going all the way this year."

Everyone cheered politely, and Cedric nodded his head as if Viktor had just said the most profound statement about Quidditch possible. "Thank you very much, sir!" he said, and then sat down. Cedric was in a daze of happiness.

The lights flickered. Gilderoy flashed his smile to the camera and said, "Welcome back, Bachelor Nation, to the Men Tell All. Next week, we will finally learn which man Hermione will choose to be her husband. Harry Potter?" He paused for the cheers. "Or Neville Longbottom?" Equal cheers. "One thing that has set this season apart from others, I think, and I think our studio audience will agree, is that despite the adversity, or perhaps because of it, the friendships formed in this group are stronger than we've ever seen before. Let's take a look at some of our favorite bromances of the season."

The lights dimmed, and everyone directed their attention to the screen.

 _Harry and Ron were in the hot tub together._

" _Harry," said Ron, "will you at this thing on my foot?"_

 _Ron took his foot out of the water and put it in front of Harry's face. Harry took Ron's foot. "What am I looking for?" Harry asked._

" _See that hard brown thing?" Ron asked._

" _Oh, yeah," said Harry. Harry touched it. "Looks just like a normal wart to me. Does it hurt?"_

" _A little," said Ron. "Do you think it's serious?"_

" _I'd have Severus look at it," said Harry. Harry still had Ron's foot in his hand. He rubbed the wart._

" _That feels good," said Ron._

" _Yeah?" said Harry. He kept rubbing Ron's foot._

 _The camera zoomed into Ron's face. Ron's eyes rolled back in pleasure. "Yeah, just like that," said Ron._

" _You owe me for this," said Harry._

The men on stage were gagging. The audience was squealing in delight and disgust. The scene changed to Oliver and Lee.

 _Oliver and Lee were cooking pasta together._

" _Is this done?" Lee asked, holding up a spaghetti noodle._

" _Let me see," said Oliver. Lee dangled it in front of Oliver, and Oliver opened his mouth for it. He took a bite. "Nope, not yet," said Oliver. "Give me another one in like, three minutes."_

On stage, Lee and Oliver smiled at each other. Lee blew Oliver a kiss. The scene changed again to Cormac in his room.

 _Cormac was shirtless and was applying gel to his hair. He stared into the mirror, saying, "You one sexy motherf*****. Ohhhhh yeah." He spun around and pointed fake guns at himself, then made a kissy face at himself. "It's Cormac time."_

On stage, Cormac nodded his head as if this was completely normal behavior. The scene changed again, this time to Dean and Seamus. The audience roared in approval.

 _Dean and Seamus were in the same bed, under the same blankets, a bowl of popcorn between them._

"Oh gods, noooooo!" Seamus cried on stage. Dean buried his head in his hands in embarrassment.

 _It was obviously a scary movie they were watching. Dean and Seamus jumped at the same time and threw their arms around each other._

The audience screamed with laughter. The scene changed, still Dean and Seamus.

 _They were in the same bed, the popcorn bowl overturned between them and they'd fallen asleep together. Seamus's head was on Dean's shoulder._

"Oh my," said Gilderoy. "Dudes! What?"

"That was _not_ normal!" Dean exclaimed. His skin was dark red. "Oh my gods, I hate you guys."

"It was one of those off nights, you know," said Seamus. "We did _not_ fall sleep together on a regular basis."

"You just, you know, you can't watch a scary movie alone," said Dean. "You just can't."

"Can I just point out the wording you just used? 'On a regular basis.' Implying this has happened more than once," said Gilderoy.

Seamus sighed. "Only twice."

"I was really bloody drunk the first time," said Dean.

Gilderoy stared at them. "That is not making your case any better." The audience laughed, and Gilderoy decided to leave them alone. "Okay, in all seriousness, watching these friendships form has been one of the best parts of this season. So thank you all. It's really nice to see that men who are all dating the same woman can still get along so well. But let's turn our attention once again to a controversial man on the stage. Oliver Wood was an early favorite on the show, but in Hawaii, a surprise visitor changed the course of his journey. Oliver, please join me in the hot seat." There were polite claps for Oliver, but the atmosphere was tense. There were many who did not approve of Oliver's treatment of both Hermione and Katie. "Oliver," said Gilderoy, when he sat down, "can you tell me in your own words what happened."

"Okay," said Oliver, after a deep breath. "So, like I explained to the guys, and to Hermione, Katie was one of my best friends all throughout school. And, you know how it is when you're friendzoned with someone."

"No, I can't say I do," said Gilderoy smugly. Some in the audience giggled.

"Well, okay, so, Katie was my teammate on the Gryffindor team. I was her captain. It wasn't really accepted for team members to date, especially the captain, so I just never thought of her that way. I had no idea she thought of _me_ that way. And I told Hermione about her early on, because my being best mates with a girl had been a problem before in my past relationships."

"Oh, I bet is was," said Gilderoy.

"Yeah, so I explained who she was to Hermione, Hermione was cool with it, and we had a really good time on the show together."

"Hermione had real feelings for you," said Gilderoy. "So, what happened when Katie came to Hawaii?"

"Well, she's in tears. Like I've never seen her like that, in my life, so I'm really concerned. When she told me that she was in love with me, it was like my whole world flipped upside down."

"I'd like to, if you don't mind, show a clip from that episode. Katie had some really strong words," said Gilderoy. "Let's watch."

 _"Oliver," Katie said, "I'm in love with you."_

 _Oliver stared at her blankly. "What?"_

 _"Have you really never thought about it?" she asked._

 _"No," he answered. "I mean...the idea might have crossed my mind, but it was just that, an idea. I never seriously considered...are you sure?"_

 _"I am," she said. "And I couldn't let you continue down this path without telling you."_

 _"What do you think...what do you expect to happen now?" Oliver asked._

 _"I don't know," said Katie. "When you came on this show, I didn't expect you to be gone so long. You're really far along now."_

 _"Yeah," he said, getting annoyed. "Pretty far along."_

 _"Do you love her?" she asked._

 _"I...I'm falling for her," said Oliver. "And I think she is me."_

 _Katie sighed. "You always do this."_

 _"Do what?"_

 _"Chase after girls who end up hurting you. And the whole time I've been here. Do you know how hard it is for me to watch you do this over and over? And now you're doing it on television!" She started crying._

The audience was silent when the clip ended. Gilderoy said, "How did you feel about her assessment of you?"

"I mean," said Oliver, "she's not wrong. My dating history has been a trainwreck. And it hurt me doubly to hear that she'd been pining after me all those years."

"Why do you think she hadn't told you until now?" asked Gilderoy.

"Well, quite honestly, I never really gave her space to. It was just like she said. I was _always_ chasing after someone else. I wish she would have said something _before_ I went on the show."

"Would things have been different?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yeah, honestly. I wouldn't have put her through that. It would have saved a lot of time and heartache," said Oliver.

"Okay, so, I know the question on everyone's mind," said Gilderoy, "where are you guys now? Are you still friends? More?"

"More," said Oliver.

The audience gasped. "So, how _much_ more?" Gilderoy pressed.

"We're not...we're _dating._ And it's going well, I'd say," said Oliver.

"So she's your girlfriend?" Gilderoy pressed further.

"Yes," said Oliver.

The audience clapped, but not everyone was convinced.

"Well, that's good to hear," said Gilderoy. "Better late than never."

"Yeah, exactly. I wish circumstances would have been different, but I'm glad we got there," said Oliver.

"When Hermione sent you home, she said, 'What I'm hearing is you're going to treat Katie as some sort of consolation prize if I don't pick you.' Harsh words. Is there any truth to that?"

Oliver sighed. "You know, I've dealt with this question a lot. It was the least ideal way for our relationship to begin. I wish Katie would have told me before I went on the show, then I wouldn't have had to involve Hermione at all. Look, for everyone who doubts me, I get it. I was a total moron about the whole thing. You are absolutely right about that. I mean, watching it back, I would have sent me home too. I feel extremely blessed that Katie still accepts me with all of my flaws. I feel like our relationship is our own business, and I would appreciate if people would keep their opinions to themselves on the matter. It is between me and Katie. Period."

This statement elicited more applause. Gilderoy nodded his head. "Well, Oliver, I think that'll do. When we come back, we'll be joined by the wizarding world's new favorite redhead, Ron Weasley!" The audience burst into cheers at this. "And Hermione Granger herself will come to confront her exes for the first time. Stay tuned!"

Gilderoy turned once more for questions from the audience. He called on a dark-haired witch wearing a MARRY ME RON shirt. "I have a question for Hermione's friends," she said.

"Hermione's friends? Oh, right, right behind me," said Gilderoy. "Do you guys mind?"

Cedric elbowed Cho, who was chatting to Luna about something completely different. "They want to talk to us," he whispered.

"Us?" Cho asked. "Oh, sure." A crewmember handed Cho a microphone. "What do you want to know?"

"Who do you hope Hermione marries? Or, are you disappointed in her current choices at all?"

"Oh, wow!" said Cho. "Well, I won't lie, I thought Hermione made some dumb choices in the early part of the season, but I do not have anything bad to say about Harry and Neville. I guess I'd say that Harry more closely matches who I would think she'd go with. But she seems really attached to Neville too, and they are very cute together."

"So you really don't know who she's with?"

"No," said Cho. "Hermione has been _impossible_ to get any information out of. We don't even watch the show together because she's afraid she'll give something away."

The audience gasped and laughed at this. Another woman raised her hand, and Gilderoy called on her. The woman had blonde hair and was wearing a stylish white dress. "Who is your question for?" asked Gilderoy.

"Hermione's friends," said the woman. "What's the most surprising thing Hermione's done this season?"

Cho looked at Luna for help. Luna stood up and took the mic. "The most surprising thing she's done is the _whole_ thing. Hermione was always cynical about love and people on this show. It so refreshing to see her embrace the process."

Hands shot up all over the studio. "Okay, umm, Hermione's friends will take more questions after the next segment," said Gilderoy. The lights flickered, and everyone got back into their TV-perfect poses. "Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Last week we witnessed the heartbreaking goodbye between Hermione and Ron. Ron fell for Hermione early, and Hermione once described Ron as 'the guy she became friends with the fastest,' but just when we thought he had left the friendzone for good, she decided to send him home. Let's find out what went wrong with this relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Weasley!"

The audience sprang to their feet when Ron walked on. The men all followed suit. Gilderoy shook his hand warmly, and Ron waved awkwardly to the guys and to the audience. He sat down.

"Ron, Ron, Ron," said Gilderoy. "You were a favorite on the show from the very beginning. Including with Hermione. Let's just talk right now about the early dates. You had one of the first one-on-ones! Tell us all what that was like."

"Well," said Ron, "it was sort of a weird date because of the half-giant and the dead possums and the little shack in the Forbidden Forest. Also, did I mention the extremely deadly animal we were with?"

Everyone laughed. "Okay, but, how were you feeling about Hermione?" asked Gilderoy.

"Oh, Hermione was great," said Ron. "Really great! _Too_ great."

"Do you think that Hermione eventually decided you weren't good enough for her?" asked Gilderoy.

Ron's demeanor shifted. The audience _awwww_ ed.

"Dude," said Dean Thomas, "if that's the reason, then she's not good enough for you, or Harry or Neville. Gilderoy, what kind of a question was that?"

The audience cheered. Gilderoy turned red. "Rita wrote that question," said Gilderoy.

"Well, it definitely crossed my mind multiple times," said Ron. "There were times when I still could not believe Hermione would be into me. Maybe that was part of my problem, you know?"

"Yet, you were one of the first people to say 'I love you' to her," said Gilderoy.

"Well of course," said Ron. "How could I not? I loved her very much. I would have loved to spend forever with her."

The audience _awwwwww_ ed again.

"Well, you know she's here tonight. I assume you haven't seen her since the break up?"

"Hehe, no," said Ron.

"How _have_ you been since the end?"

"Well," said Ron, "I'm not too much of a man to admit that I cried a lot. But honesty. I am coming to terms with it. I see the relationship she's formed with my mates, and, I know she's happy with whichever one she's with, so, I am coming to terms with it."

"Okay, that begs another question. How are you and Harry?" Gilderoy asked. The audience and men laughed appropriately.

"That is the big question, isn't it?" Ron asked. "You know, Harry and I, we are going to be okay. I did eventually return his text." More laughter here. "I don't know if he's engaged to the woman of my dreams, so, we're not talking a whole lot. But whatever happens, I will always count him as one of my best mates."

Another big "awwww" here.

"Well, Ron, you are a great man. Are you ready to face Hermione?" Gilderoy asked. Ron gulped and nodded. "Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, Hermione Granger!" Gilderoy announced. The audience got to their feet again when Hermione stepped onto the stage. She was wearing a shiny red dress. The guys clapped as well, some of them with pain in their eyes at how good she looked.

Hermione gave a special wave to her friends before sitting down on the other side of Gilderoy. "Hi, Gilderoy! Hi, Ron," she said. "Everyone," she added, to the men assembled on the stage.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "How are you?"

"I'm great, Gilderoy," said Hermione.

"Are you ready for this to be over?"

"Oh, gods, yes!" Hermione exclaimed. "I just hate having to keep secrets from everyone."

"So, I take it you're happy?" asked Gilderoy.

"Yes," she said, with a big smile. "Very happy."

The audience cheered at this. Hermione smiled to them. "Well, Hermione, I can't wait to talk to you about how happy you are on After the Final Rose. However, today we're here to talk about some very unhappy people." Gilderoy gestured to the group assembled.

Hermione turned red and covered her face. "Do you _have_ to say it like that?"

"Well, hehe, that was also a Rita Skeeter line," said Gilderoy. "Umm, so, we've been talking to Ron here. A very popular man, by the way. And I think we're all wondering what was going through your head when you sent him home."

The audience clapped in approval of the question.

"Okay," said Hermione. She took a deep breath and collected her thoughts. "Let me start with saying how insane this situation is. As far back as Dean, I was thinking, in a normal situation, I could have long-term relationships with each of these men."

"Wow," said Gilderoy. "That is a lot of relationships that you felt strongly about."

"Yeah, all happening at the same time! And for someone who didn't do a whole lot of dating before this, it is quite a shock. But what really started to happen, Gilderoy, was the timing was off. And I want to say, specifically to Justin and Dean, how much that killed me. When the end goal of the show is an engagement, and you have men professing very strong feelings for you, and equally good men saying they need more time, well, decisions had to be made. In real life that just doesn't happen. You can take your time."

"So, Hermione, this all begs the question, do you believe in this process?" asked Gilderoy.

"Hehe," said Hermione, turning red again. "Honestly...?" The audience laughed, some gasped. "It worked for me. It worked almost too well. At the end I was so torn. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in my position can truly understand."

"Hermione, I will say, you have had an especially hard time. All of these men were almost instantly smitten with you. You had more men professing love at earlier stages than ever before," said Gilderoy. "And then you say you haven't had many relationships before. How did that feel?"

"Overwhelming," said Hermione. "At the risk of sounding a little slutty, I was like a kid in the candy store."

The audience erupted in laughter.

Gilderoy patted her arm. "So," he said, "when you got to the fantasy suite dates..." Someone whistled in the audience, and Gilderoy shot them a glare. Hermione's face matched her dress. "Each of these men you had strong feelings for, and each one had said the three magic words."

"Exactly," said Hermione. "But in some ways that was a good thing. I had to make my decision based on the relationship itself, not just based on things like what step of the way I thought we were at. We were all in the right place."

"So why not Ron?" asked Gilderoy.

Hermione collected her thoughts again. "It's exactly like I told him. There was so much that was right about our relationship. I really can't list any negatives. There was just, so much more that was right about the other two. That's it."

"Can I ask what some of those things are?" asked Gilderoy.

"It's just...I felt myself falling harder for the other two," said Hermione.

"This was painful for you, wasn't it?" Gilderoy asked.

"Of course it was!" Hermione exclaimed. "Ron," she said. Ron looked up at her. "You did nothing wrong. I hope you're not thinking that. It just...like I said before, I could have had great long-term relationships with most of the last batch of men. But I didn't see forever there."

Ron nodded. "It's okay," he said. "I wouldn't want a pity marriage."

Hermione shook her head. "That's not what it would have been. I cared about you. I still do. I just wasn't in love with you."

The camera panned over the solemn faces in the audience.

Ron nodded. "It's okay," he repeated.

"Well," said Gilderoy, "I hate to do this, but we need to take a break. Ron, I'll let you go take a seat with the men on stage. Hermione, you can stay right where you are. When we come back, some exciting announcements, and a chance at redemption for our rejected bachelors? Also, we've got BLOOPERS!" The audience screamed in appreciation. "Stay tuned!"

* * *

Hermione took Cho, Luna, and Cedric backstage during the break. They poured drinks and clinked their glasses to Hermione and her betrothed.

"This is insane," said Cho. "Like, I knew you and your exes were popular, but DAMN GIRL!"

"I am so happy to be off that stage," said Hermione. "Poor Ron. He's getting _swamped_ with questions."

"So we saw Molly collecting phone numbers for him before the show started," said Luna.

Hermione chortled. "That's so like her. Oh, they were fun. I wish you could meet them."

"Not as much fun as Gran, though, right, Hermione?" Luna prodded.

Hermione glared at her and shook her head. "No," said Hermione. "I see what you're doing, and no, you're not getting anything from me on that topic."

"Let me see the ring," said Cho. Hermione held out her hand. It was a large diamond, with a smaller one on either side. "Oh my gosh," Cho gushed. "Look at this thing."

"Now the question is, which man would pick this one?" asked Luna. "Cedric, what do you think?"

Cedric raised his eyebrow. "Why do you think I'd know that?" he asked.

"Because you're a man. Is this more a Harry pick or Neville pick?"

Cedric shrugged. "I don't have the foggiest idea how to answer that."

"A desperate move from a desperate woman," said Hermione, shaking her head.

"Okay, real talk," said Luna. "Which of your exes would you fix me up with?"

"Oh, no, Luna!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Not even one of the early ones?" Luna pressed. "That wouldn't be that weird, would it?"

"Ummm," said Hermione, considering. "Seamus, maybe? My first thought was Severus, but..."

"Oh, I'm _not_ above that," said Luna.

"I didn't think so," laughed Hermione. "Oh, goodness. I can't wait to introduce you guys to my fiance!"

"Thanks for not picking Zach, by the way," said Cedric.

"He's not..." Hermione started, then, "yeah, I couldn't see that working."

A crewmember came to retrieve Hermione, and they had to return to their places for the final segment.

* * *

"Hello, Bachelor Nation!" Gilderoy started. "It has been a wild season of _The Bachelorette_ with some of our most beloved contestants ever, leaving many of us asking, what will they do next? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I might just have the answer. Take a look at the screen." The lights dimmed, and a beach appeared on screen. Gilderoy spoke over the slide show. "Welcome to Paradise," said Gilderoy. "A tiny Caribbean island off the coast of Mexico. This is Paradise Castle." The beach scenes changed to a wooden structure that looked like an elaborate muggle playground, a castle-shaped structure built into the dunes. They showed a bar, hammocks, and hot tubs. The audience oohed and ahhhed. "This, oh rejected bachelors, is where your love story could begin again. Why should your journey be over just because _one_ bachelorette doesn't give you a rose, when there are _many_ eligible bachelorettes in our extended family? Bachelorettes like...Hannah Abbott!" A blonde witch appeared on the screen. "You might remember Hannah from Bill's season. She didn't win his heart, but could she win yours? Or maybe you've dreamt of the Patil twins? They're signed on as well! A nearly equal balance of men and women, alone on an island, all hoping for a second chance at love! There will be dates, heartbreaks, and all the fiery romance you've come to love from the traditional show. This is... _Bachelor in Paradise!_ "

The slideshow ended. The men and the audience were clearly intrigued. Gilderoy spoke more candidly. "So, men, I'd like to invite each of you to join us in Paradise Castle for a second chance at love. What do you say?"

Ernie Macmillian stood up. "Sign me up!" he exclaimed. "If anyone here needs this, it's me!"

Hermione lead the audience in cheering.

"I have more questions," said Colin. "How _exactly_ does it work?"

"Right," said Gilderoy. "So, we start with about six guys and seven girls. Or is it seven guys and six girls? Either way, there's one more or one less of either gender. You get some date cards, you get to know each other, you start forming relationships. At the rose ceremony, the group with the lesser number gets to decide who they want to keep around for another week. We'll invite in a few more hopefuls, and the process begins again."

"Ah, I see," said Dean. "So, it's still a game."

"Yes, it is still a game," said Gilderoy. "But, in Paradise, there is no pressure to get engaged. You just get to know someone, and maybe, if you're lucky, your relationship can continue after paradise."

"I'll do it," said Cormac McLaggen.

"Great!" exclaimed Gilderoy. "Viktor Krum, what do you think?"

Viktor shook his head. "I am too busy with my team. Maybe next time."

"I'll hold you to that," said Gilderoy. "Okay, Seamus?"

"Oh, I don't know, seems like that many more opportunities to royally screw up," said Seamus.

Dean turned around. "I'm going!" he declared.

Seamus stared at him. "Alright, let's do this!" he shouted. Dean and Seamus high-fived.

The audience roared in applause.

"Marcus Flint?" Gilderoy asked.

Marcus paused. "My money is on...YES!"

"Severus, I think I already know your answer?"

"Yes, I have no problem finding women willing to date me," said Severus. "I will pass."

"Colin Creevy?"

"Oh, gee," said Colin. "I don't know if I can put myself through this again. But, I've had tremendous luck betting on the underdog. So I also say yes!"

"Lee Jordan?"

"Oh, you _know_ I'm down!"

"Justin?"

"Opening up was a big problem on the show for me," said Justin. "But perhaps, I can get there with someone else. Yes, I'll go."

"Zach?"

"Sounds like a good time. I'm in!"

"That's most of your exes, Hermione," Gilderoy said. "How does this make you feel?"

"Just fantastic!" Hermione exclaimed. "I love that they're all willing to put themselves out there again. But, you didn't ask Ron."

Ron shook his head. "I would need some more time to think about it," said Ron. "It has been quite a healing process for me. But, let me get back to you on that."

"Oh, he'll go!" Molly shouted from the audience.

"I think your mum has some very strong opinions, Ron," said Gilderoy.

"I would like to echo what Molly just said," said Hermione. "Ron, nobody deserves a happy ending more than you. Please give yourself another chance!"

Ron was dumbfounded. "I...I don't think I can argue with that, Gilderoy."

"So you'll join us?" Gilderoy pressed.

Ron looked around at his friends, on stage, and his supporters in the audience. "Oh, hell," said Ron. "Let's do the bloody thing."

"Hooray!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "Now, we also are still looking for more bachelorettes to date our many eligible bachelors. To apply or to nominate someone, go to the address on your screen."

Luna gasped and nearly leaped out of her chair. "PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!"

"Haha, yes, like I said, go to the MBBC website-"

"Oh, I _must_ insist," said Hermione. "Guys, this is my best friend Luna. She is fun, and caring, and, a little unconventional, but...Gilderoy. You've gotta put her on."

"You're not weirded out at all by the prospect of her dating your exes?" Gilderoy asked.

"I've had some time to think about it. A whole five minutes, I'd say. And I've decided...I want nothing more," said Hermione. "Luna, please date my exes."

"Well then," said Gilderoy. "Okay! Luna, welcome to the bachelor family!"

"WOOOOOOOO! THANK YOU, HERMIONE!"

Hermione blew her a kiss.

"Well, I can't think of a better way to end this show than that. Oh wait, yes I can. Ladies and gentlemen, bloopers!"

The audience cheered as the lights went dark, and the all stared in anticipation at the screen.

 _The bachelors stepped out of the Floo into their new digs in a new location. Gilderoy Lockhart greeted them, for the first time forgoing his white suit in favor of white traditional Chinese men's robe. "Ni hao, bachelors!" Gilderoy exclaimed._

 _ZACH CAM: "Did he just say 'ni ho'? I don't think that's a very nice thing to say about Hermione."_

* * *

 _Gilderoy stood in front of the bachelors, their faces tense with anticipation. "I have a date card!" he announced. He fiddled through his jacket. "I_ had _a date card. Where's the date card? Accio date card!" Every date card that had been previously handed out came flying down the stairs to Gilderoy. "Oh, bloody hell!"_

* * *

 _Draco and Blaise sat in front of the TV. Ron walked by with a plate of food, and Blaise tripped him. Ron spilled all his coffee and eggs over Draco._

" _YOU MORON!" Draco shouted._

" _Oh, gee, I'm sorry," said Ron._

" _No, not you," said Draco. He punched Blaise. "Why would you do that?"_

" _I thought it'd be funny," said Blaise. "I didn't know it'd all land on you."_

 _RON CAM: "I might have done that on purpose."_

* * *

 _Lee and Hermione sat eating Chinese food. "Umm, can I get a regular fork?" Hermione asked the waiter._

" _Oh, no! You can't use chopsticks?" Lee asked._

" _I guess I've never tried," said Hermione._

" _Let me show you," said Lee. He helped Hermione hold the chopsticks. "Okay, and then you push them together like this..." He demonstrated._

 _Hermione mimicked him and decided to give it a try. She picked up a piece of chicken. It flew out of her sticks onto the floor. "Oops," she said._

" _That's alright, try again," said Lee. "More like this..." He demonstrated._

 _She tried again. Another piece of chicken fell on the floor. "Maybe a vegetable." Floor. "Okay, I'm hungry. Screw this."_

* * *

 _Dean and Hermione sat on the beach. "Oh, look at that shell!" Dean exclaimed. He got up and went to the water where a blob of yellow and black had washed ashore. "Cool!" he said. He picked it up, and it writhed in his hand. "HOLY ***** IT'S A SNAKE!" he shouted, throwing it back into the water. He shrieked as he ran back to Hermione. "Holy **** I almost died, babe."_

* * *

 _Colin and Hermione sat alone in the mansion._

" _I had such a good time today, and I feel so comfortable with you," said Colin. "I was wondering...can I kiss you?"_

 _Hermione smiled. "Sure, Colin. Of course you can!" They leaned in for a kiss, and Colin held his camera in one hand. When their lips met, he snapped a picture. The sound of the camera startled Hermione, and she jumped. "What was...oh my goodness, Colin!"_

" _One day we can look back on this and laugh!" Colin exclaimed._

* * *

The bloopers ended, and Gilderoy stood up to address the audience. "I'd like to thank our studio audience, Hermione, and all of our bachelors for joining us today! Next week...oh, please let me say it!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fine, Gilderoy."

"Next week…the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION to this season of THE BACHELORETTE!"


	13. Chapter 13: Finale

**A/N: Alright everyone, I think I've got it. I wrote both this last episode and an After the Final Rose epilogue, and I'm dropping them at the same time because I feel like it's the only way! I know I'm not going to satisfy everyone, but what can you do. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I've enjoyed writing!**

* * *

Hermione arrived at her parents' house in a suburb of London. Mrs. Granger opened the door and rushed out to greet her before Hermione could get onto the front porch.

"HERMIONE!" her mom cried, then kissed her on both cheeks. "Oh, my dear, you get lovelier each time I see you!"

"Thanks, Mum!" Hermione said, embracing her warmly. "I take it Dad is dusting the house for the 5th time?"

"Oh yes," said Mrs. Granger. "You know how he is, and it's been worse with him knowing there will be cameras! So, come in, and tell us all about these two gentlemen!"

Hermione nodded, picked up Crookshanks' pet carrier, and entered her childhood home. Mr. Granger was skimming the corners where the walls and ceiling met with an extendable duster.

"Hello, dear!" Mr. Granger exclaimed, then sneezed. "Oh, Crookshanks is here!"

Hermione reached into her bag and pulled out a potion. "Here, Dad, for the allergy."

Mr. Granger swallowed the potion happily. "Where are the cameras? Where's the first bloke? Oh no, honey, did something happen?"

"No, Dad!" Hermione laughed. "No cameras right now. Just us."

"Hermione is going to prepare us for what's to come...tomorrow, right?" Mrs. Granger asked.

"Yes," said Hermione, sitting down on the lumpy old couch. The house was filled with pictures of Hermione from various stages of her life, framed certificates from muggle Elementary school and Ravenclaw, even a copy of her Auror license. Hermione suddenly became very nervous. She was their only child. They accepted no less than the best for their little girl. Hermione was pretty sure Harry and Neville were no less than the best, but what would her parents say?

Mrs. Granger bade her husband stop cleaning and poured them all some coffee. Crookshanks took his place on Hermione's lap. "So tomorrow you're meeting Harry," Hermione began.

"Harry, why does that name sound familiar?" asked Mrs. Granger.

"Oh, it's a very common name," said Mr. Granger.

Hermione laughed uncomfortably. "Remember when we had to take a month off the show because of a dark wizard attack? Harry was the one who was attacked."

"OH!" Mrs. and Mr. Granger said together.

"That's a good match, isn't it? An Auror and and Auror," said Mrs. Granger. "Who's the other bloke?"

"His name is Neville Longbottom," said Hermione.

"Longbottom," said Mr. Granger with a grin. "Now _that's_ a name."

"They're a very old and respected wizarding family," said Hermione. "And Neville is a botanist."

"A botanist?" they asked in surprise.

"A magic botanist. There are magic plants, you know," said Hermione.

"Huh," said Mr. Granger. "Well, that sounds much safer."

"Not always," said Hermione. "Magic plants can be very deadly. So yeah. That's my final two."

"So, honey," said Mrs. Granger, "how are you feeling about all of this?"

"I feel very good, actually," said Hermione. "Both of them have said that they love me."

Their eyes bulged out in awe. "Well, that's very good," said Mr. Granger.

"And how do you feel?" asked Mrs. Granger.

"If I'm being honest," said Hermione. "I feel like I could be happy with either of them. We've been on fantastic dates, and they both seem to get me."

"Well, that's good," said Mr. Granger, nodding his head in approval.

"Are you in love, sweetie?" asked Mrs. Granger.

Hermione took a deep breath. "Yes," she said. "I am in love."

* * *

Since the Grangers lived in a more highly populated muggle neighborhood, Harry had to take the Knight Bus to their house. He brought with him a crudely-wrapped gift in gold paper with a crimson bow.

Hermione opened the door to him. "Hello, Harry!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him.

"Hello," he said, kissing her. "So, how are things in there?"

"Well, my dad has been cleaning obsessively since he heard you were coming, so, normal," said Hermione. "Come on in! They're dying to meet you."

She lead Harry inside. Mr. and Mrs. Granger were standing side by side in the foyer with big plastic smiles. "Hello!" they said together.

"Hello," said Harry. "I'm Harry Potter. I brought you a gift."

"Ohhh, lovely!" Mrs. Granger said, accepting it. "Come on in, Harry. Hermione told us how much you liked pizza, so, we ordered in our favorites."

Harry's smile doubled in size. "Oh, all right! Thank you!"

They sat down at the dinner table where two large pizzas were sitting on pedestals, surrounded by breadsticks and dipping sauces. There was also a bowl of salad.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger placed the gift between them on the table. "Hmm, this is an odd shape," said Mr. Granger. They removed the wrapping paper. "Ohhhh! It's a...?"

"Sneakoscope," said Harry. "Do you already have one? I thought Hermione might have given you one already. But this is the latest model! This is the kind the Order uses."

"No, I can't say I know what this is," said Mr. Granger.

Harry looked at Hermione in relief. "So, it's a device that alerts you to dark magic. Or dark anything, really. Like, if someone is trying to break in, or, if that telephone call is a scam artist."

Mr. Granger laughed. "Oh, that is delightful! It's a magic security system."

"Well, it won't actually protect you from anything, it just lets you know that something is wrong," said Harry. "So you call the muggle police or something."

The phone rang, and the Sneakoscope started to spin and flash. Mr. Granger clapped. "Don't get that phone, honey!" he laughed.

"To be clear, Harry, I _do_ have protective spells all over this neighborhood," said Hermione.

"I figured, but, you know, if we're going to be together...," Harry whispered.

"What? Oh," said Hermione. "Right."

"What?" Mrs. Granger asked. "If we're going to be together, what?"

"Oh, let's not discuss this now," said Hermione.

"No, let's get it out of the way," said Harry. "Mr. and Mrs. Granger, I love your daughter."

"Awww," they said together.

"Hermione has already accepted that being with me is dangerous," said Harry.

"Yes, of course," said Mrs. Granger. "She has explained the situation to us too."

"I figured," said Harry, "but I just want to reiterate. Being me is dangerous. Being with me is dangerous. Knowing me is dangerous. If Hermione and I marry, then you two might also be targeted."

Mr. and Mrs. Granger looked at each other. "Oh," said Mr. Granger. "I...we didn't really think about that."

"No, most people don't," said Harry. "But it _is_ something you need to think about."

"Hermione, why didn't you mention this before?" asked Mrs. Granger.

"Because," said Hermione, "at the time, there were so many guys left, that I didn't know we'd get here."

They all sat in silence for a while. Mr. Granger said, "Well, the pizza is getting cold!"

"Oh, of course, let's eat, and...let's get to know Harry better! So, Harry, you are a wizard?" Mrs. Granger asked.

Hermione dropped her head into her hands.

Harry laughed. "Yes, but I didn't know I was a wizard until I turned 11. The Order decided to place me with my muggle relatives until the fuss died down after You-Know-Who disappeared. The fuss never really did die down, unfortunately...and then I got my Gryffindor acceptance letter."

"Gryffindor," said Mr. Granger. "That's the one where all the brave kids go, right?"

"Yeah, more or less," said Harry. "That's simplifying things, of course. The Headmasters actually all get together and bargain for us. It's weird."

"I always thought Hermione could have been a Gryffindor too," said Mrs. Granger. "Ravenclaw was of course an obvious choice."

"Yeah, exactly," said Harry. "Hermione is very brave and adventurous. Ravenclaw just snatches up the top IQ's regardless of anything else."

"Which makes no sense, now that I've gotten to know you guys so well," said Hermione. "You are _wicked_ smart, Harry."

Harry blushed. "I'm quite different from when I was 11," said Harry, "and I'm really only smart in a few things. You're smart in...everything."

"But that's a problem too! When you know about everything, it's really hard to figure out what you're supposed to do!"

"Oh, what a _terrible problem_!" Harry teased.

"And I'm not smart in everything. I still don't know jack about sports," said Hermione.

Harry chortled. "Oh, goodness, that's right! Ravenclaw Quidditch team was always awful."

"Some years we didn't even have one," said Hermione. "I don't think. I don't really know. Cho dragged me to the games sometimes, but I never really paid attention."

"Quidditch. Now _there's_ a sport!" Mr. Granger exclaimed.

Harry reached for a breadstick and alfredo sauce. "You like Quidditch, Mr. Granger?"

"I _love_ Quidditch! When I get the opportunity to watch, you know, which isn't much. You know who I love? That Bulgarian seeker. What's his name? Crumbly?"

"Viktor Krum," Hermione groaned.

"He is amazing," said Harry. "Well, I was seeker for the Gryffindor team."

"Were you now? Well, how about that?" Mr. Granger beamed and turned to Mrs. Granger. "We could have a seeker in the family." Mrs. Granger patted her husband on the hand.

"If Hermione picks me, Mr. Granger, I promise to take you to a game."

"Are you bribing my dad?!" Hermione said with a half-full mouth.

"No, I'm just being nice!" said Harry. "If being nice makes him like me more, that's just a perk."

Mrs. Granger laughed. "Oh, I see how you guys get on! Hermione always needed someone who could challenge her. That's been her problem with men. So hard to find someone who could keep up with her."

"Well, that and she's been a bit of a hard egg to crack," said Mr. Granger. "I am _so_ curious to see how she got on with all of these men."

"Ew, Dad, stop," said Hermione.

"So, Harry, I'm guessing you had a lot of girlfriends in school," said Mrs. Granger.

Hermione gave her mum a strange look. Harry took it in stride. "No," he said. "I was pretty awkward around girls all through school."

"Oh, so you haven't dated much," said Mrs. Granger.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," said Harry. "Just not much long-term."

"Sounds like Hermione," said Mr. Granger. "You two have a _lot_ in common."

"And what makes you want to get married?" asked Mrs. Granger.

"Honestly," said Harry, "I'm rather bored and lonely. I get home from work, and, it's just my owl there waiting for me. It would be nice to have more to live for, you know?"

Mrs. Granger smiled and nodded.

* * *

After dinner, Mr. Granger took Harry aside, and Mrs. Granger took her daughter aside.

Mrs. Granger and Hermione sat in Hermione's childhood bedroom. Her bookshelf was still there, though it had more knick-knacks on it than books now. What used to be pictures of famous witches and wizards were now pictures of English landscapes.

"Well, Hermione, I definitely see why you're attracted to Harry," said Mrs. Granger. "He's quite charming. Smart, friendly, and I can tell he cares about you a _great_ deal. And you seem to compliment each other very much. You're different enough and similar enough. I could see you being very happy together. But..." Hermione gulped. "But there is that little matter of his...what should I call it?"

"The fact that he's enemy number one to dark wizards?" Hermione asked.

"I know you're an Auror, and he's an Auror, but there's a big difference between doing something at work and doing it in your spare time."

Hermione couldn't help but to giggle slightly. "You act like Harry and I are going to go hunting Death Eaters every night for fun."

"And you're smiling right now because you _do_ think that would be fun," said Mrs. Granger.

"Damn," Hermione whispered under her breath. Then, out loud, "You're right. Harry and I spent half of our last one-on-one deprogramming the Floo."

Mrs. Granger laughed softly and dropped her head into her hands. "Oh, dear lord, what would we do with you two?"

"Okay, so, I guess that's a legit concern," said Hermione. "But you _do_ admit we'd be happy together."

"Yes, and I would be worried sick about you all the time! I mean, Harry is painfully aware of it. He gave us that Sneakoscope because he is worried, and I guess I'm glad he's worried, because it shows he cares, but wow. It would be a burden."

"I know," said Hermione. "He asked me multiple times if I wanted him to leave. But I didn't, of course. He's..." Hermione started to tear up. "It's just not fair, you know? He deserves a normal life. I'd like to give that to him."

Mrs. Granger embraced her daughter. "I don't think you can, sweetie. But, I think he does very well, all things considered. This is not what worries me most about him. I know you can handle the dark wizard stuff. It's..."

"Wait," said Hermione, wiping her tears away. "How is that _not_ the biggest concern?"

"You both are obviously great wizards. You'll take whatever comes at you. What concerns _me_ as a human is that he might not be ready for marriage."

"What?! What does that even _mean_?"

"Frankly, I'm not sure _either_ of you are ready," said Mrs. Granger. "Neither of you have much relationship practice."

"Ummm, I just dated 25 guys at once," said Hermione.

"Okay, yes, but, you know the show is a very ideal situation," said Mrs. Granger. "You and your guys haven't been through much adversity together."

"Uhhh...we got attacked..."

"No, not _that_ kind of adversity," said Mrs. Granger. "I know you can handle _that._ I mean normal stuff, like, finances, and, cooking dinner."

"Money and dinner," said Hermione. "This is what you think is going to do us in."

"That's the kind of stuff that does most couples in, I'm afraid," said Mrs. Granger. "I'm not saying I'm against the boy. He's lovely. Just promise me that if you get engaged, it'll be a long engagement."

"Of course," said Hermione.

* * *

Harry and Mr. Granger sat on the porch with Old Fashioneds.

"We call these Old Merlins in the wizard world," said Harry.

Mr. Granger threw his head back and laughed. "I love wizards!" he said. "So, Harry, you think you can marry Hermione?"

"Uh," said Harry. "I mean, if she picks me, then yeah, I hope I can. I actually wanted to ask you that very question. If Hermione decides I'm the one, then, do I have your blessing to marry her?"

Mr. Granger took a long sip of his Old Fashioned. "I might have to think about that for a bit."

"Oh," said Harry, taking an even bigger sip of his Old Merlin.

"Ahhhh, I'm just messing with you, boy. Of course you can!" Mr. Granger said.

Harry choked on his drink. "That's diabolical!" said Harry.

"Too mean?"

"Yeah!"

"So I probably _shouldn't_ do it to the other guy?"

Harry grinned. "Oh, no, you _gotta_ do it to the other guy! Then tell me how it went later, haha!"

"Oh, boy, you are confident! But let's talk about marriage. Mrs. Granger and I have been married for thirty-three years," Mr. Granger said.

"Wow," said Harry, because of course no matter what number someone throws out there, you have to act surprised.

"And I'll tell you what, Harry," said Mr. Granger, "women are not owls."

Harry tried really hard not to laugh at the statement. "No," he said, "I suppose not."

"A wife is not a thing that you put in your home because you think it's cute," said Mr. Granger. "She truly becomes the other half of you. When she hurts, you hurt. When she celebrates, you celebrate. And there will be times when you disagree. Have you ever disagreed with Hermione?"

"No," Harry said.

Mr. Granger laughed darkly. "Oh, boy, you don't know what you're in for," he said.

"I imagine that would be unsettling," said Harry.

"You have no idea," said Mr. Granger. "Hell hath no fury." He took a long sip and finished his drink. "Well, I wonder if the girls are done talking."

"Probably not," said Harry.

"Haaa!" Mr. Granger said, pointing to Harry. "Nice one!"

* * *

They played Bananagrams to the end of the the night. Harry learned where Hermione got her superior vocabulary from, and felt very stupid, but had a great time nonetheless. When it was time to go, they all gathered in the foyer.

"Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Granger, for a lovely night," Harry said in his most mature manner possible.

"And thank you, Harry!" Mrs. Granger said warmly. She hugged him, and Mr. Granger shook his hand.

Hermione lead Harry outside where the Knight Bus was waiting. "Well, that went very well," said Harry.

"Good," said Hermione. "I'm glad you think so."

"Wait... _think so_? Am I wrong? Am I missing something?" asked Harry.

"No," said Hermione. "It did go well. They really like you."

"Good," said Harry. "Well, I can't wait until our next date. And hopefully..." Hermione didn't say anything, but she kissed him passionately. "I love you," he said before departing.

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Granger laid down to sleep. "That went really well today," she said. "I like Harry."

"Oh yeah," said Mr. Granger. "He's a great kid. Makes me wonder who this other kid is. Sounds like Hermione is having a really tough time deciding."

"Yeah," said Mrs. Granger, "and she doesn't have long to make up her mind. But I was thinking. Let's spice things up a bit for this next one."

"Spice things up? Like how? Are we having tacos?" Mr. Granger asked.

"No, I was just thinking, is Bananagrams the best we have?"

"But we _love_ Bananagrams!"

"I know! But let's make it a little more...TV worthy."

* * *

The Knight Bus brought Neville to the Grangers' doorstep. Hermione rushed outside to meet him. They hugged and kissed. Neville balanced a potted plant in one hand.

"Are you ready to meet my parents?" Hermione asked.

"Sure," said Neville. "No pressure."

"Okay," she said, and she lead him inside.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger were standing in the same position they had been when Harry arrived. "Hello!" they said together.

"Hello!" repeated Neville. "I brought you a plant!"

"Oh, it's lovely!" Mrs. Granger said, accepting it. "Welcome, welcome!"

"It's dittany," said Neville. "It cures wounds. Mild ones. Not like, if you break your arm or sever a limb or something..."

Mr. Granger laughed. "Well, thank you, m'boy! Are you hungry?"

Neville was too nervous to be hungry, but he knew the proper response was "yeah," so he went with that.

"We made a roast," said Mrs. Granger. "And baked beans, and baked potatoes. And I have a bread pudding in the oven."

"Sounds delicious, thank you," said Neville.

They moved into the kitchen and sat around the table. Crookshanks rubbed his face against Neville's legs.

"Oh, look at that!" Mr. Granger commented. "Crookshanks went right to him!"

"That's odd," said Mrs. Granger. "He pretends I don't exist."

"Cats take to me for some odd reason," said Neville. "My Gran kept a cat for a while. Outdoors, 'where animals belong,' she often said. Every time I went outside, the thing followed me."

"Aw, that's sweet," said Hermione.

"Except I'm terribly allergic," said Neville.

"Oh, me too!" said Mr. Granger. "Does Hermione make that potion for you, too?"

"Well, I haven't been around Crookshanks long enough yet for it to be an issue. But I have actually been looking into some remedies, besides the potion. Not sure I want to spend the rest of my life taking potions. There's actually a charm I've looked into," said Neville.

"Oh? A charm that makes you not allergic to things? Amazing!" Mr. Granger exclaimed.

"Well, it actually doesn't work on _me_. I'd be charming the cat," said Neville.

"Ummm...no! You are _not_ waving a wand at Crookshanks!" Hermione declared, picking Crookshanks up.

"Well, I wouldn't do it on Crookshanks _first_ ," said Neville.

"That doesn't make it better!"

"Not even a little?"

Mrs. Granger laughed nervously. "Well, that's definitely something you two would need to discuss _later._ Neville, Hermione tells us you are a magical botanist."

"Yes," said Neville. "I know it's kind of odd, and doesn't sound very exciting, but I love plants. There's just so much they can do."

"Now, I hear there are some _dangerous_ ones," said Mr. Granger. "What exactly makes a plant dangerous?"

"Well, don't get me started!" Neville said happily.

"No, really, this could be a _long_ conversation," said Hermione.

"The Bouncing Bulb can grow to as large as a doorway," said Neville, "and will attack if it feels threatened."

"Attack?" asked Mr. Granger.

"I've seen a particularly large one knock a bloke out," said Neville. "But you can usually see those coming. It's the Devil's Snare you've gotta watch out for. It's a vine that will wrap around you until you're suffocated."

"Goodness me! Where do these things grow?" asked Mr. Granger.

"Scotland, believe it or not," said Neville. "But don't worry. Muggles won't stumble upon it. We spend all our time keeping it from you."

"Really?" asked Mr. Granger. "That is fascinating! And sounds terribly more exciting than being a...muggle botanist."

"We're unsung heroes," Neville agreed.

"It never ceases to amaze me how much effort goes into hiding the wizarding world," said Mrs. Granger.

"It's mostly not too hard," said Neville. "Most things are out in plain sight, you just don't notice them because of enchantments and such."

"Hermione said the same thing! But she'll never actually show me something," said Mr. Granger.

"Because she can't. It's the rule," said Neville.

"So, this is fascinating, but I want to hear about the two of you," said Mrs. Granger. "What'd you decide to go on this show for?"

"Well, it's a long story, actually. My Gran has been bugging me for a long time that I needed to find someone. I'm sure it will come as a shock to you, but I really don't get out much apart from my botany expeditions." Neville paused here, but they didn't get the joke. He moved on, "And that's always with the same people. Most of them older than me. So, Gran watches the Bachelor, and she sent my name in. She wanted me to be The Bachelor. She was kinda unhappy when she found out I wasn't _the_ Bachelor, but merely _a_ bachelor. But then she met Hermione, and she fell in love with her like I did."

"Aww," said Mrs. Granger. The kitchen timer dinged, indicating the bread pudding was done.

"Oh, and we haven't even started eating dinner yet!" said Mr. Granger.

Neville picked up a roll. "Pass the butter?"

They laughed and ate together, then decided to take a break before dessert. Hermione and Mrs. Granger promptly went upstairs following dinner for their mother-daughter chat.

"Well, Hermione, I am torn," Mrs. Granger started.

" _You're_ torn?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Okay, okay," said Mrs. Granger. "Oh, boy, well, they are _different._ "

"Yes," Hermione agreed.

"And I will say, if I were going to match you with someone _before_ all of this, I probably would have picked someone like Harry," said Mrs. Granger.

"Okay," said Hermione.

"But Neville is just...you know, he reminds me of your father," said Mrs. Granger.

"Ewww!" Hermione gasped. "What? No. Why would you say that?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," said Mrs. Granger. "Okay, so, point is, I understand the draw of Neville. He's very smart, very polite, soft-spoken...but he has a cheeky side too, doesn't he?"

"That's my favorite," said Hermione.

"I know," said Mrs. Granger. "Oh, I am _so_ glad you didn't bring an obvious villain home. I was _so_ worried you were going to bring some cocky arsehole through the door."

"Mum!"

"What? You've always had an attraction to very outwardly confident men," said Mrs. Granger. Then she paused. "People...they _like_ Harry, right? He got along with the other guys?"

"Yes!" Hermione gasped. "I only...gave roses to guys like that the first half of the show." She felt her face turning red. Her mum knew her way too well. "All of the guys were really good friends at the end."

"That's sweet!" said Mrs. Granger. "Okay, so, I'm not going to make your decision for you. I can't. I am happy to welcome either of them as my son."

"So nothing worries you about Neville?"

"Besides the fact that he might bring home a plant that can kill you, not so much," said Mrs. Granger. "I guess out of the two of them, Neville seems more mature. You know, Harry is fun. I think Neville would be a very safe choice."

"This is a really good 'pick Harry' pitch," said Hermione.

Mrs. Granger ignored the comment. "All I'm saying is Neville seems ready for marriage. Harry would have to grow into it. Whoever you choose, just please have a long engagement."

"Well, of course," said Hermione. "There's going to be a lot of adjusting to do. I mean, we can't even be out in public together until after the whole thing airs."

"That'll be tough," said Mrs. Granger.

"I mean, we'll still see each other," said Hermione. "Magic, you know."

"Right, but it's not the same. You can't really bring him fully into your life until this whole thing is done," said Mrs. Granger. "What about Luna and Cho?"

"They want to be surprised," said Hermione. "We talked about it."

"So you don't even know how he's going to fit in with your friends," said Mrs. Granger. "That's huge. That can kill a relationship."

"Yeah, but...I know them. I can't imagine either of them not fitting in," said Hermione.

"True," said Mrs. Granger. "They're all very agreeable people. Harry reminds me a lot of Cedric."

Hermione smiled. "He does, a little, doesn't he?"

"But Neville reminds me of Luna," Mrs. Granger laughed.

"Neville's not _that_ weird," said Hermione, "but I see what you're saying."

"It's great how you all get along," said Mrs. Granger. "It's gonna be great. Whoever you pick, it's gonna be great."

"Thanks, Mum," said Hermione sarcastically. "You've been a lot of help."

"Well, it's not my job to tell you who to marry! I really am proud of you for choosing such great men," said Mrs. Granger. "Like I said, I had concerns, but, you've done well."

* * *

Mr. Granger brought two beers out onto the porch with Neville. They sat down and drank.

"So, you want to marry my daughter, eh?" Mr. Granger asked. Neville gulped and braced himself for the scary father speech, but it never came. Mr. Granger saw his face and laughed. "What part scares you more, the marriage or Hermione?"

"Oh, neither," said Neville. Then he thought again. "Well, I mean, I imagine Hermione could be intense when she's angry."

"That's true," said Mr. Granger. "But she doesn't want you to just back down, you know. She needs a man that will challenge her. That's always been the problem. Lots of 'yes men' wrapped around her finger. But she gets bored with that."

"I could see that," said Neville. "You know, I got scared to death during one of the group dates. She couldn't decide which of us to give the group date rose to, so she asked us all to give her a reason why. Can you guess what I said?"

"You said...I'll grow you a dozen magic roses if you pick me," said Mr. Granger.

"Oh, blimey," said Neville with a laugh. "That's actually really good."

"What'd you say, then?" Mr. Granger asked.

"I told her I didn't want it if the only reason she did was because I somehow convinced her through a series of questions," said Neville.

Mr. Granger plopped the beer down on the end table and gasped. "What?...you've got _balls_ , sir! Did you get the rose?"

Neville turned red. "No. Of course not! It was an awful thing to say!"

"But you're still here," said Mr. Granger. "And I'm glad, Neville, you're a really great guy. I'd be proud to have you as my son."

"Really?" asked Neville. "Are you giving me your blessing before I even asked for it?"

"Oh, right," said Mr. Granger. "I'm sorry. Proceed."

"Uhhh," said Neville. "Mr. Granger? Do I have your blessing to marry your daughter?"

"Hmmm," said Mr. Granger. "That's a very interesting question, sir. I'm going to have to think about it."

"I wouldn't blame you, honestly," said Neville. "I mean, Hermione doesn't even know who she wants yet."

Mr. Granger could see Neville was worried. "You really care about her, don't you?" asked Mr. Granger.

"Of course," said Neville. "How couldn't I? You know, she is a very strong woman, but, she has that vulnerable side too, and it's very sweet."

"It is," said Mr. Granger.

* * *

The women knocked on the door and cracked it open. "Dessert and games in the living room?" asked Mrs. Granger.

"Wouldn't miss it!" said Mr. Granger. "Let's go!"

Mr. and Mrs. Granger giggled and rushed inside. Hermione looked at Neville. "Okay, something is up. They are _way_ too happy," said Hermione.

"Maybe they just really really like me?" Neville asked hopefully.

They walked into the living room, and Mr. and Mrs. Granger popped crackers. "WELCOME TO THE NEARLY NEWLYWED GAME!"

"What," said Neville.

"The Newlywed Game," Mr. Granger explained, "is this great muggle game show were married couples have to answer questions about each other. You guys aren't married, of course, which is why this is the _Nearly_ Newlywed Game."

"Mum, Dad," said Hermione, "why aren't we just playing Bananagrams like last time?"

"Oh, we thought this would be more fun," said Mrs. Granger. "And more interesting for the cameras." She waved to the cameramen.

"What, are you scared?" Neville asked.

"No, of course not. Do your worst, Mum and Dad," said Hermione. She and Neville took a seat on the couch. Mr. Granger handed each one a dry erase board.

"Alright, it's pretty simple," said Mrs. Granger.

"Hold on," said Neville, staring at the board and the writing utensil in his hand. "What is this?"

Hermione chortled. "You write with it, Neville."

"It smells terrible," said Neville, holding the marker up to his nose. "What the heck is this?"

"Cheap chemical ink," said Hermione.

"You're kidding," said Mr. Granger. "Wizards don't use dry erase markers? What do you use?"

"Parchment and quill," said Neville. "And magic."

"Anyways," said Mrs. Granger. "We're going to ask you questions about each other, and you both write an answer on the whiteboard."

"It's called a whiteboard?" Neville interjected. "That's not very original. What if I want one in another color?" Hermione patted him on the hand.

"And then we'll see who knows more about the other one!" Mr. Granger finished. "Fun, right?"

"Alright, let's go," said Hermione.

"First question is for you, dear," said Mrs. Granger. She was reading off index cards. "What is Neville's biggest pet peeve?"

Hermione and Neville looked at each other, and each one started writing. When they were done, Mrs. Granger said, "Okay, Hermione?"

She flipped over her board. "I said, 'Being Underestimated,'" Hermione said.

Neville laughed. "That's _your_ pet peeve about me. Mine is..." He flipped over the board. "I just said 'Slytherin.'"

Hermione chortled. "Just 'Slytherin'?"

"Yeah," said Neville.

"How is that even a pet peeve? It's just an entity," said Hermione.

"I don't like it," said Neville.

"Alright," said Hermione. "Your turn."

"Alright, Neville," said Mrs. Granger, flipping the next card. "When it comes to shoes, does Hermione prefer heels, sneakers, or sandals?"

Neville nodded and then wrote. Hermione wrote too, and then Neville flipped his board.

"Sneakers," he said.

"That's right!" Hermione shouted, flipping her board.

"And that's one for Neville," said Mr. Granger. "You better get this next one, Hermione!"

"Okay, Hermione," said Mrs. Granger, "What is Neville saving up for?"

"Hmmm," said Hermione. "Okay, I think it might be this." She wrote something on the board and looked at Neville. Neville too was in deep thought, and then wrote. Hermione flipped her board. "I put…'travel'?"

"Yeah!" Neville exclaimed. He flipped his board. "But to be fair, I really didn't think of it until going on this show. I want to see way more. I have really nothing saved up for that, but, you know, we'll do it."

"Yeah, I agree," said Hermione.

"Neville," said Mrs. Granger, "What is one household chore that Hermione will say you do better than her?"

"Oh, come on, that's too easy," said Neville. He wrote quickly, then waited for Hermione.

"Oh, duh," said Hermione. She wrote and then flipped the board. "Cooking!"

Neville sighed. "Oh, you went serious."

"He cooks really well," said Hermione. "What, what did you say?"

He flipped the board. It said, "Gardening."

"Ohhhh," said Hermione. "Yeah, that too."

"I thought it was the obvious choice," said Neville.

"Alright, so we're still one-to-one," said Mrs. Granger. "How about...Hermione...What will Neville say is your go-to website?"

Hermione's face showed she was not confident. "Uhhh...well... here goes nothing." She wrote.

"I know this is wrong, but I have nothing else," said Neville. He wrote.

"I put...'The Ministry of Magic website,'" Hermione said. She flipped her board.

Neville laughed. "You're kidding me," he said.

"It's where I work. I'm literally on it all the time," said Hermione.

"I put 'Cat Pictures,'" said Neville. He flipped his board.

"You're kidding!" Hermione cried.

"I literally couldn't think of anything else," said Neville.

"Well, honestly, your guess is more interesting," said Hermione.

"Cats are more interesting than the Ministry? That's where we're at now, huh?" Neville asked. "Alright."

"Alright, next question, Neville," said Mrs. Granger. "When Hermione is getting dressed in the morning, what outfit are you hoping she puts on?"

Neville turned red. "I can't answer this question in front of you!" Hermione giggled and wrote on the board. Neville looked at her and thought. He finally made a choice and wrote. "Alright," he said. "I put, 'The Red Dress.'"

"The red dress?" Hermione repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah, you wore a red dress once during the thing, and I thought you were...amazing in it. Not that you aren't normally amazing, I just, always remembered that dress."

Hermione shook her head incredulously. "I put 'the red dress' too," said Hermione.

"No!" he cried.

She flipped the board. It said, "The Red Dress."

"How," Neville said.

"I just remembered the look on your face," said Hermione.

Neville dropped the board. "Okay, that's spooky," he said.

"No, that's awesome," said Mrs. Granger. "Shall we keep going?"

"Ummm?" said Hermione, who really wanted to just be alone with Neville at this point.

"Let's swap roles," Neville suggested. "Or have you both looked at the questions?"

"Nope," said Mr. Granger.

"Oh, good," said Neville. "I want to see how you two do."

Mrs. Granger laughed, and Mr. Granger said, "Splendid! Challenge accepted!"

* * *

When the game was over (Hermione's parents got most of the questions right), Mrs. Granger packed up most of the leftovers for Neville. "Thank you both," said Neville. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

"You too, Neville," said Mrs. Granger. "Say hello to your Gran from us."

"Will do!" he said with a smile. Hermione walked him outside, and they loaded his things onto the Knight Bus.

"Any idea where we'll meet next?" Neville asked.

"I really don't," said Hermione. "I'm sure it will be amazing."

"As always," Neville agreed, "but I must say. I'm really excited to have a life like your parents have."

Hermione smiled. "I know what you mean," she said. "They're very content."

"Yeah, but it's deeper than that," said Neville. "To just have someone who gets you that much."

"Yeah," said Hermione. "And they really like you, Neville."

"Good," he said with a sigh of relief. "I like them too."

"KISS AND SAY GOODBYE ALREADY!" Stan shouted at them from the bus.

They giggled. "Fine," said Hermione reluctantly "I'll see you...next time I'm allowed to see you."

"Can't wait for this to be done," Neville whispered as he embraced her. "I love you so much, Hermione."

She held him tightly and then kissed him passionately.

* * *

Hermione met with Gilderoy at the MBBC to discuss the next steps.

"Alright, Hermione," he said. "So I take it that went well?"

"So well," said Hermione. "My parents were no help at all. I think they'd be happy if I married both of them!"

"Well, now _that_ would be an interesting show," said Gilderoy. "Do let us know if that can be arranged."

"Noooo," Hermione groaned. She knew Gilderoy was making a joke, but it struck her as insensitive. "Where are you sending me next, Gilderoy?"

"Well, you requested a non-tropical location," said Gilderoy, "and we have accommodated. Harry and Neville have both been sent to Hallstatt, Austria."

Hermione squealed in delight. "Perfect," she said.

"They are in separate hotels," said Gilderoy, "and of course we have an itinerary for each of you. You will be seeing Harry first."

"Okay," said Hermione nervously.

"You get one day with Harry, one day with Neville, a day for deliberation, and the next day is the proposal," said Gilderoy.

"Ohhhhhkay," said Hermione. She took a deep breath, and thought she might barf.

"You doing alright?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yeah," she said shakily.

"So, I have to ask," said Gilderoy. "You said your parents were no help, but, I know sometimes that doesn't necessarily matter. How are _you_ feeling?"

"Well, I know I don't really look or sound like I'm good, but," she said, "I am. I'm really confident in the relationships I have that it will lead to a happy marriage. But that's also terrifying!"

"Right," said Gilderoy, "and I've seen this before, that this is the point where it becomes really real."

"Yes," said Hermione. "Especially when you say I have four days to an engagement, and I realize the biggest break up of my life is right around the corner."

"You're right," said Gilderoy. "But you've been great, and I know whatever happens next, you're going to have a fine future. Next time I see you will be on your proposal day."

"Okay," said Hermione. She hugged Gilderoy, then stepped into the Floo.

* * *

Harry sat in his hotel room. From his window, he could see the Alps overlooking a lake. The fireplace, which didn't feel out of place, burned softly.

He reclined in his chair and read the letter Hermione had written him on their date in Amalfi:

 _Dearest Harry,_

 _I can't think about you without smiling. I had no idea what you would be like when you stepped out of the carriage car, and I have been nothing but impressed with the man you are. To be loved by someone like you is wonderful. You make me laugh, you make me feel safe, you are everything I could want in a husband. I feel so lucky to have met you. I can see you as my partner in crime, or fighting crime, for the rest of our lives._

 _Yours truly,_

 _Hermione_

Harry sighed. He turned to the camera and said, "I don't know what to do. I...I love Hermione. I want to be with her, but, I don't know. I woke this morning, and I didn't feel much like getting engaged anytime soon...like everything just got really real all of a sudden, and I'm not sure I'm ready. I don't know what to do. I'm...I'm just going to see how this date plays out today, and...if I'm still feeling like this...I might have a very difficult decision to make. I feel really terrible about this. Ron was so in love with her. Ron was ready. Ugh...I'm going to be that guy on the show that everyone hates."

* * *

HERMIONE CAM: "I am excited for my last date with Harry. MBBC picked a wonderful place for us. We're going to tour salt mines and and ice cave! Uhh...yeah...they picked weird things for us to do again."

Harry met Hermione in the hotel lobby. They hugged warmly, and Hermione kissed him. "So?" she said happily. "What do you think?"

"I think it's great," said Harry. "Really nice hotel. Fireplace makes sense."

"Noooo, I mean, Austria! I'm so excited to be here. These views are amazing!" she gushed and took his hand. "We have a Portkey to catch into the mountains."

"Oh, awesome," said Harry. "Out of all the things we've done on these dates, we haven't really hit mountains yet."

"I know! That's because they always give us the weird dates," said Hermione.

"Yeah, mountains sounds normal," said Harry.

"Well, another thing on our itinerary is 'salt mines,' soooo..."

"Of course it is," Harry laughed.

* * *

The Portkey was hiding in a potted plant, and ironically, it ended up being a real key. They ended up as promised in a mountainous region, in front of a sign that read "Dachstein Ice Caves."

"Guten-tag!" said the friendly tour guide, a kid who looked like he was trying to pay his way through college. "Welcome, Harry and Hermione to Dachstein Ice Caves! I am Lukas, and I will be your tour guide."

They began their tour, and the caves really were spectacular. Frozen ice formations filled the cave.

"Well," Lukas said towards the end of the tour, "I hear you two are in love, yeah? So you probably want some alone time. I'm supposed to leave you..." They rounded a corner into an open cavern with an ice waterfall in the center. "Here!" he said happily. There was a small table set up with a picnic basket.

"Awesome," said Hermione. "Thank you, Lukas!"

Lukas left, and they sat down and opened the basket. Inside was potato salad, sausages, and a chocolate cake. There was also a bottle of white wine.

"So," Hermione started, "my parents were crazy about you."

"Yeah?" Harry asked. "That's great. I had a great time with your family."

"My mum did raise some questions, though," said Hermione. "Nothing that I'm too concerned about. I plan on having a long engagement either way."

"Oh, yeah, of course," said Harry. "We have so much still to learn about each other, right? I mean, after all of this...Lukas ice cave business."

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Do you think we should live together before we're married?"

"Uhhh..."

"My mum and dad say no, of course, but they're old," said Hermione. "No offense, Mum and Dad! I don't know, I just think that might be the best way to _really_ know how this would work."

"Or we could just have extended visits," said Harry. "We don't _need_ to make the permanent...very permanent decision to move in together. Right away, you know."

"True," said Hermione. "To be honest, I just think that living in Godric's Hollow would be a dream come true."

"Oh, I see how it is," said Harry. "You just want the house."

"And to live by _Dumbledore_!"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said Harry. "There will be no shortage of Dumbledore in your life."

"They were all so great," said Hermione. "Your Order family."

"They loved you," said Harry.

They ate a few more bites in silence. "Harry?" Hermione said.

"Yeah?"

"You're acting strange," she said.

"What? No I'm not," he said.

"Yeah, you are," said Hermione. "You're being very restrained. It's not like you."

"Oh, well, to be honest," said Harry. "I'm really nervous today."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "I'm really nervous about...the possibility of getting engaged."

Hermione sighed. "Ohhhh, thank goodness!"

"What?"

"I'm nervous too," she said. "I almost puked on Gilderoy."

"Oh my gods, yes! Me too!"

"This is just crazy, right? In just three days we could be engaged!"

"Totally crazy," said Harry. "I couldn't agree more."

"But at the same time, it's awesome!" Hermione said. "I can't believe I'm about to be engaged to a wonderful guy. I couldn't have dreamed up better guys."

"Oh, stop," Harry blushed.

"Really, though," said Hermione. "I care about you so much." She reached across the table for his hand.

"And I care about you," said Harry. "I never, never want to hurt you Hermione."

"Same," said Hermione.

Harry gulped.

* * *

They exited the cave alone together, and they spent some time on a romantic overlook making out before the crew brought the Portkey to the next destination, the salt mine. They didn't have to endure a guided tour here, and Hermione geeked out in the museum. Harry's heart about burst. Hermione was at her cutest when she was geeking out. He would to take her to every museum in the world just to see that reaction.

They took the giant slide down into the mines themselves, and they arrived at an underground lake. "Okay, now _this_ is cool!" he said.

"Would the two lovebirds like a gondola ride?" asked a young man.

They looked at him. "Lukas?" they said together.

"Awww, you remember my name! Yeah, I got this gig too, erm, so...gondola ride?" he asked.

"Of course," said Hermione. "Thank you, Lukas."

* * *

Lukas explained some things about the mine during their ride, and then they slipped into talking about Lukas himself. Evidently, Lukas also worked as a waiter at a local restaurant.

"Oh, well, we have to go!" said Harry.

"It is not the best," said Lukas. "Actually, I'm pretty sure you guys are supposed to go to the really fancy..."

"Nope!" said Hermione. "We want the not-fancy one!"

"Oh, what were they thinking, trying to send us to a fancy place? They know we don't do fancy!" Harry said.

Hermione threw her arms around Harry. "This is my favorite thing about you," she whispered.

"That I don't like fancy restaurants?" Harry asked.

"No, this spontaneity!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Okay," said Lukas, "Seems like you guys want to be alone."

* * *

The restaurant was a total hole-in-the-wall, and there was barely room for the crew. They ate schnitzel and french fries with beer.

"Oh, man, this is what I needed!" Hermione said. "This has been a great date, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "The strange sightseeing they chose for us actually wasn't half bad. And Lukas was great!"

"I can't believe that poor kid has three jobs," said Hermione.

"Yeah, that's rough," said Harry.

"Speaking of kids," said Hermione. Harry started to cough. "Oh, are you alright?"

"Yes, of course," said Harry. "But, uhh, what about kids now?"

"Oh, I was just wondering what kind of parent you think you'll be," said Hermione.

"I have no clue," said Harry. "I figured...I'd just figure it out when it happens. If it happens."

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "My parents were pretty strict, if you can believe that."

"I can't, actually," said Harry.

"Well, I was their only kid, so they were pretty protective of me," said Hermione.

"So you became an Auror," said Harry. "That's sick, Hermione."

Hermione laughed. "Hey, they don't know _everything_ , and let's not forget my job currently consists of paperwork."

"Now _that_ I could never do," said Harry. "I go crazy if I'm not actively doing something."

"I definitely want to move onto something more interesting one day," said Hermione. "I mostly took the job for the raise. But I also, you know, I had no time for myself or my friends or anything."

"I hear you," said Harry. "Wasn't a big deal for me, of course. My friends are all Aurors too, and being alone drives me nuts."

"Well, if we're going to have a family, it's nice for one parent at least to have a relatively safe job," said Hermione.

"Cheers to that," said Harry.

* * *

They walked back through the town to Harry's hotel. Hermione kissed Harry goodnight and wished him well until the next time they saw each other.

HERMIONE CAM: "I'm really not sure how to feel about this date. I believed I loved Harry. I still believe that, but, there was something off about him, and it scares me. I wonder if my date with Neville tomorrow will be just as strange. And if it is, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do about proposal day!"

Harry walked back into the hotel. The cameraman following him whispered. "Hey, Harry, how are you feeling now?"

Harry sighed. "She's so wonderful. I just..." He paused, and then perked up, as if a light bulb had ignited over his head. "Where's Neville?"

"I...," said the man, "I can't tell you."

"I think I need to talk to him," said Harry. "Please? Is he here?"

The cameraman, confused, muttered the transmission spell into his wand. In the editing room, Rita's wand glowed.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Harry wants to talk to Neville?" the cameraman said.

"What?"

"Yeah, I don't know. Do I let him?"

Rita fumed. "OF COURSE YOU DO!" she cried. "Sounds like DRAMA to me! I tell you, I was not expecting much from these two at the end, but Harry is just making this oh-so-delightfully perfect! Take him to Neville immediately, and don't bother me with any more stupid questions!" She hung up.

The cameraman returned to Harry. "Alright," he said. "Let's go."

* * *

Neville was watching Austrian Wizarding Television. It was all in German, but he could for the most part get the gist of what was happening. He heard a knock on the door, and he sprang up, expecting to be greeted by the strudel he had ordered from room service. He opened the door in anticipation, and then felt a strange pit in his stomach.

"Harry?" he asked tentatively.

"Hey, Neville. Can I talk to you?" Harry asked.

Neville looked wide-eyed at the cameraman. "Uhhh...sure," he said. "Come in. I just ordered strudel. Is...everything alright?"

"Maybe?" Harry answered. He sat down in the office chair, and Neville sat on the edge of his bed. "I feel...I have cold feet."

"Cold feet?" asked Neville. "Is that all? You came to me for...a foot warming remedy?"

"Well, no, I...wait, you think I literally mean my feet are cold, don't you?"

"I mean, I know it's not a tropical location. Did you pack socks? I can lend you some of mine," said Neville.

Harry laughed. "Nooooo! Sorry, Neville, it's a muggle expression meaning, even though you love someone, you are afraid to marry them."

"Oh," said Neville. "Well, that is much more serious. Have you talked to Hermione about it?"

"Uh, no," said Harry. "I was afraid if I did she'd send me home on the spot, and I wanted to be sure...I thought my last date with her would fix it."

"Oh, so this started _before_ the date?" Neville asked.

"Yes," said Harry. "About the time I had my final pep talk with Gilderoy."

"Well, why did you come to me for? You should talk to Hermione," said Neville.

"I guess I wanted to get an idea of how you were feeling. To know if I was just getting in my head or not. Neville...are you...do _you_ want to get married?"

"Well, of course I do! What kind of a question is that?"

"You're not having any doubts whatsoever?"

"About Hermione? No! I love her! I came here because I wanted to get married, and I stayed because I want to marry her. What the heck is wrong with you?"

"I don't know! I thought I wanted that too! I'm freaking out here!"

"Okay," said Neville. "Well...you know what I'm going to say."

"I need to talk to Hermione."

"Uhhh...ja! As the Austrians would say."

"But what if it's a mistake?"

"Then don't talk to her," said Neville, "and just see what happens."

"That's what I've been doing. I'm afraid...I'm afraid this whole season I've been just going through the motions. Doing what the show expected of me."

"Harry!"

"I know it's not entirely true," said Harry. "I know my feelings towards her are real. But I think _this feeling_ is also real. That despite everything, I'm just not ready for this."

"Are you saying...you're going to leave?" Neville asked.

"I think...Neville, I love her."

"Okay?"

"But I think...between you and me...it should be you who marries her."

Neville shook his head in confusion. "You're not making any sense."

"If she picks me, then, I think we'll have a nice engagement, and if we get to marriage, I don't know. I don't think it would last. That's just my gut feeling right now."

"How can you say that? What, is there someone else?"

"No, but...there was this centaur."

"Oh no. Harry. Where is this going?"

"He read the dregs of this weird wine stuff and told me a marriage was imminent, but he said the person I would marry was yet to be determined."

"Okay," said Neville.

"Doesn't that strike you as weird? If I should be marrying Hermione, then why wouldn't the centaur know that?"

"Oh, blimey," said Neville. "You really _are_ looking for a way out!"

"But am I wrong though?"

"Yes!" Neville cried. "If _Hermione_ is undecided, which we can presume at this point she is, and if we also presume that you will get married one day, also presuming that there's no such thing as 'soul mates' and there are a number of people in the world one could be perfectly happy with...All the centaur confirmed is you will one day get married."

Harry thought. "But... _imminent_ though."

"Did he _say '_ imminent,' or are you just rewriting your memory to confirm your theory?"

Harry went pale. "Oh, shit. I don't remember."

"This can all be solved if you just..." Harry took out his wand and placed it to his head. "Whaaat are you doing?!" Neville cried.

"Got a bottle, Neville?"

There was a knock on the door. "Room service!"

"Oh, bloody hell," said Harry, removing the wand. Neville got up and paid for his strudel. He carried in a tray with the strudel and a fancy glass water bottle. "PERFECT!" Harry cried. Harry snatched the water bottle and dumped the water into the sink.

"HARRY!" Neville shouted. "That water was ten dollars!"

"What?! Why?!"

"I don't know! That's why I wanted to try it!"

"Blimey!" Harry gasped, staring into the sink. Then he shrugged, put his wand back to his head, and extracted the memory.

"Harry, I don't have a Pensieve," said Neville.

"You don't?" Harry asked. "Oh, I always bring mine with me. Just a moment." He handed Neville the bottled memory and apparated out of the room.

Neville looked at the camera. "This is insane," he said. "He's completely bonkers. Also, why the hell would he bring his Pensieve with him here?"

As if to answer his question, Harry popped back into the room. "An Auror always has a Pensieve in case they need to investigate a memory." He placed his Pensieve on the bed, a modestly engraved metal dish. He held out his hand to Neville. "Memory?"

Neville looked nervously from the cameras to Harry, and seeing no way out, handed Harry the bottle. Harry poured the contents into the Pensieve while Neville picked up his strudel. Then, Harry grabbed Neville's arm and stuck his head into the Pensieve. Obviously, the camera crew could not follow them into the Pensieve.

* * *

Harry and Neville stood in the Roman village in Amalfi. Neville was holding his strudel. "What...the BLOODY HELL...did you do?"

"I need an unbiased observer," Harry explained calmly.

"I am NOT unbiased! Do you even know what unbiased means?! We are DATING THE SAME WOM-"

Harry clapped his hand over Neville's mouth. "Shh," Harry instructed. "Look!"

 _Harry and Hermione were holding hands, laughing and looking very much in love. Firenze blocked their path with the wine and the cup._ Neville took a bite of strudel.

"Oh my gods, this is amazing!" he whispered.

"Shhh!" Harry scolded.

" _Oh, hello," said Harry. Harry and Hermione tensed up, as centaurs were not known to be friendly to humans._

" _It's fine," said the centaur. "Hello. My name is Firenze, and I am a friend to humans."_

" _Oh, well, we, humans, appreciate it," said Harry._

" _I heard you two had a weird encounter with a psychic on your first date," said Firenze._

" _We did!" Hermione laughed. "That was a memorable date, wasn't it?"_

" _Oh my gods, yes," said Harry. "But surprisingly good despite being told I was going to die."_

" _Which nearly happened," said Hermione._

" _Yeah, so spooky," said Harry._

" _How would you like to have a second reading?" asked Firenze._

" _What now?" asked Harry._

 _He handed Harry a cup of wine. "Drink this," said Firenze._

 _Harry looked at Hermione, who shrugged. Harry took a giant swallow, and then immediately spat it out. "Ugh, I'm sorry. That's disgusting."_

" _HAHA!" Firenze laughed heartily. "That's okay, I just need the dregs. You can spill it out...slowly though, don't lose any…"_

 _Harry slowly spilled out the wine, feeling very awkward for dumping dark red wine on the floor of the a ruin. Firenze took the cup from his hand before Harry lost the dregs, and then he examined them. "Hmm..." said Firenze._

" _It's the Grim, isn't it?" asked Harry with a nervous chuckle._

" _No," said Firenze. "I see palm trees."_

" _Well, those are everywhere around here," said Harry._

" _No, in the wine," said Firenze. "It's a sign of imminent happiness and marriage."_

 _Harry and Hermione raised their eyebrows at each other._

* * *

Harry and Neville returned to the hotel room. The cameramen snapped back into position.

"That was so weird," said Neville. "I didn't like it. Seeing Hermione on a date with another guy."

Harry stared at him. "Did you eat strudel _in the Pensieve_?"

"YEAH! That's what I was trying to tell you!"

"Bloody hell, I didn't know you could do that!" Harry exclaimed.

"I don't think anyone's tried before," said Neville.

"Well, this changes everything!" Harry said. "I can't wait to tell Dumbledore! But first...he said 'imminent.'"

"Yes, he did," said Neville. "Imminent happiness and marriage."

"Now," said Harry, "new question. Does he mean happiness is imminent, and marriage is just coming down the road, or..."

"BLOODY HELL!" Neville cried. "Go and talk to-!"

"Firenze!" Harry exclaimed. "Neville, you're brilliant!"

"No. That's not what I was going to say. No. NOOOOOO...!"

Harry grabbed Neville arm, and they apparated.

* * *

Firenze was in his classroom at Gryffindor castle. He reared when Harry and Neville apparated in, and Neville squealed.

"Woah, Firenze!" Harry exclaimed. "It's me! It's Harry Potter!"

Firenze placed his hooves back safely on the floor. "Harry Potter," said Firenze. "So nice to see you again. And your friend is...?"

"This is Neville," said Harry. "He's Hermione's other boyfriend."

"Ah," said Firenze. "And where are we in the process now?"

"Wait, hold on," said Neville. "You and the centaur know each other?"

Harry and Firenze exchanged uncomfortable looks. "You see, Neville," said Firenze, "after I appeared on your show, I was banished from my colony for serving humans."

"Oh, that's awful," said Neville. "I'm so sorry."

"Harry Potter here reached out to Dumbledore, and got me a job teaching here at Gryffindor," said Neville.

"I see," said Neville. "Well, congratulations I guess. We're here to...ummm...what exactly _are_ we here for?"

"Can you do a tea reading for Neville?" Harry asked.

"A tea reading?" asked Firenze. "Sure, I can do that. Any particular reason?"

"We're investigating something," said Harry.

Firenze raised his eyebrows at them. "Are you trying to figure out which of you ends up with Hermione?"

Neville said, "no," but Harry said, "absolutely!"

Firenze shook his head. "You are meddling with things you ought not to meddle with."

"THANK YOU!" Neville cried. "Firenze, Harry is just having a mental breakdown because he's getting cold feet about Hermione."

"But you also said I was going to get married soon," said Harry, "so you can see why I'm confused."

Firenze looked back and forth between Harry and Neville. "You want to see if he gets the same result as you."

"Yes," said Harry.

Firenze shrugged. "Okay," he said. He went to his desk and pulled out his tea box. "Neville, what kind of tea do you like?"

Neville resigned to his fate. "Earl grey?" he asked.

Firenze pulled out the packet. "Be back in a moment," said Firenze. He carried the tea packet into a separate room, leaving Harry and Neville alone.

"This is insane," Neville repeated.

"This is the only way I can reassure myself," said Harry.

"Really," said Neville. " _This_. Is the only way."

Rita Skeeter apparated into the room with a camera crew. "STOP!" she screamed. She slapped Neville's strudel plate out of his hand, and it shattered on the floor, splatting what was left of the strudel.

"Oh, COME ON!" Neville cried.

"Naughty, naughty boys," Rita said. "Trying to figure it all out with a little help from divination? Clever, I must say. We've never had anyone quite as determined as you, Harry Potter. I'm impressed. Too bad it's against the rules. Time to go back and wait for Hermione to make a decision like good boys."

"Hold on," Harry protested. "You sent psychics to my dates TWICE!"

"Yeah, we're definitely never doing _that_ again. I am _loving_ this tizzy you've worked yourself up into, and I know the viewers are going to love it, but we simply can't let you continue. You're dangerously close to actually doing damage to the integrity of the show."

"He should just go talk to Hermione," said Neville.

"Yes," agreed Rita. "That is what contestants usually do in this situation. Harry is being...what do the muggle kids say nowadays? _Extra_." She pinched Harry's and Neville's ears in her fingers. "Say buh-bye to Firenze." They apparated back to Austria.

* * *

Hermione awoke feeling confused about Harry, but she had butterflies in her stomach knowing that she got to spend the whole day with Neville. She opened her envelope from Gilderoy that outlined what they were going to be doing that day. "Oh no," said Hermione with a grin. "Oh yessss!"

* * *

Neville met Hermione in his hotel lobby. She hugged and kissed him. "Good morning!" she said.

"Good morning!" he replied.

"How are you liking Austria so far?"

"Well," he said. "It looks very nice. They have very good strudel. And they have very expensive water."

"Oh no, you drank the hotel water bottle? Neville!" Hermione said playfully. "Okay, well, I hope you didn't eat that this morning, because we're going to brunch first."

"Sounds great!" Neville exclaimed.

NEVILLE CAM: "Hermione seems completely normal, which usually would be a great thing for me, but today, it means that Harry probably didn't do his part. Now I have a choice to make. Do I tell Hermione about last night, or let it go? On one hand, I don't want to be chosen just because someone else screwed up. But on the other hand, if she picks him, and he decides to bail, she's going to be crushed. Ugh...why me?"

They strolled through the village and found their destination, an adorable lakeside cafe that looked straight out of a storybook. They sat down to a feast of ham, eggs, rolls, and vegetables.

"So, Neville," Hermione asked casually. "What do you think about death?"

Neville put his orange juice down and stared at her blankly. "Ummm...I'm sorry?"

"You know," Hermione continued, "does it scare you, excite you? What feelings come to mind?"

"Uhhhhh," said Neville, "I'm less than enthused about the prospect?"

Hermione nodded. "Okay."

"Were you just lying awake last night thinking of questions to trip me up?" Neville asked.

"No," said Hermione. "It relates to what we're doing next, so I was wondering what your feelings were."

"Oh, okay," said Neville. "That clears that one right up. So, what, we're having a romantic stroll through an old graveyard?"

"Close," said Hermione. Neville stared at her waiting for more of an answer, but she didn't offer anything else on the subject. "I do want to ask you a couple of questions that tripped Harry up."

"Oh, great," said Neville.

"I really didn't intend them to be that way, but I guess with everything getting so much more real, these questions are kinda scary. I must admit I felt pretty nauseous after my sit-down with Gilderoy."

"I know what you mean," said Neville. "It's scary and exciting that this is almost over."

"So," said Hermione, taking his hand across the table, "what sort of a parent do you think you'll be?"

"Oh," said Neville. He thought. "Well, I won't be like Gran, that's for sure."

"Awww!" said Hermione.

"Well, are you surprised? I told you what my childhood was like."

"True," said Hermione. "But she does love you in her own way."

"I know," said Neville. "But I will not be like Gran in most other aspects."

"Fair enough," laugh Hermione. "Do you think we should live together before we're married?"

"Well, I've actually thought about this one," said Neville. "The romantic in me says no."

"Really?" asked Hermione. "Why?"

"That's kinda the fun of getting married, isn't it?" asked Neville. "We can even have our stuff moved to...wherever we're going to live...while we're on honeymoon. Of course, practically, we do have a lot to learn about each other, so it might be good to move in before. Not immediately though. We'll just have some extended visits until then."

"That's very thought out," said Hermione. "And actually, the more I think about it, I feel like moving in immediately would be too stressful and cause fights."

"Right," said Neville. "We have to ease into it."

"Just like we're easing into an engagement," Hermione laughed. "Oh gods, Neville. Can I do really do this?" Neville's eyes widened. Was she actually asking him? "Oh, nevermind," she said. "Let's go on to our first stop."

They left the bill for the producers to pick up and strolled through the rest of the town to what looked like a church.

"Oh my," said Neville, turning pale.

"What?" asked Hermione. "Do you know where we are?"

"Are we getting married now?" Neville asked.

Hermione cackled. "No," she said. "Come on."

They walked inside, and Neville froze as soon as they walked through the door. The walls were lined with skulls. "Hermione?" he asked.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?"

"Just...just why?"

A guide appeared, a little old man in a brown suit. "Welcome to the Ossuary," he said in broken English.

"Ossuary," Neville repeated. "Is this German for 'nightmare'?"

"No," said the guide. "This is a charnel house. Because there wasn't much room for graveyards in the mountains, bodies were exhumed and placed in the charnel house. These are all real bones. Their relatives would paint their skulls to commemorate them."

"I see," said Neville. "Well, that's kinda sweet, in a weird, twisted way."

"Why don't you take a look around, and let me know if you have any questions?" said the guide.

"Sure thing, thank you," said Neville. They strolled along in silence out of respect for the bones around them, occasionally pointing out their favorite designs. "These are actually really cool," said Neville. "I wonder what someone would paint on me."

"Probably plants," said Hermione half-sarcastically.

"Uhh...is that?...yeah alright," said Neville.

Hermione laughed. "What about me?" she asked.

"Hm," he said. "A book?"

"Uhhhhh," she said. "Okay, yeah."

"I mean, if you look at these, most of them just have designs," said Neville. "Like you can't really boil someone down to one thing, you know?"

"Right," said Hermione. "It's just cheap. You're so much more than plants, Neville."

"Well, I would sure hope so," said Neville.

They kissed in the back of the charnel house. "Ready for the next stop?"

"Let's go," said Neville.

"Have you ever skied?" she asked.

"Oh bloody hell," he replied.

"So that's a no?"

"Why do you do this to me?" he asked.

She took his hand, and they left the charnel house. A Portkey was ready for them outside, a mitten hidden in a bush, and they appeared in front of a lodge in the midst of the mountains.

NEVILLE CAM: "As I'm looking around at the muggles strapped to their death sticks, I contemplate for a second whether all of this is really worth it...Don't look at me like that!...I said for a second!"

"So you're really making me do this?" Neville asked.

"Of course!" Hermione said with a grin. "But don't worry, we're going to do the bunny slopes. I've actually not done this before either."

"Oh, okay," said Neville. They went inside the lodge, and a worker helped them choose some rental skis and poles. They carried their equipment to the bunny slopes out behind the lodge.

"Hello, Hermione!" said a familiar voice.

"WHAT?! LUKAS?!" Hermione cried. "Don't tell me you work _here_ too!"

"Well, they were in a pinch for an instructor, and I know the manager," said Lukas.

"You know this kid?" asked Neville.

"I've seen him around quite a bit recently," said Hermione.

"Hello, Neville, I am Lukas," said Lukas, "and I will be your ski instructor today. So, neither of you have done this before?"

"Let's just say it's not too popular a pastime where we're from," said Neville.

"That is too bad," said Lukas. "Well, with practice, anyone can do it. My goal is to get you down that hill today." They regarded the hill. It seemed larger now they were at the base of it. Neville took Hermione's hand for reassurance. "Let's begin with the basics." Lukas showed them how to put on their skis and how to use their poles. They practiced their positions, and Lukas demonstrated how to use the lift. "It is a very smooth course," Lukas said after coming down. "You just do what I told you, and you should have no problem!"

"Oh, sure," said Neville.

"Well, here goes nothing," said Hermione. She moved to the lift, and Neville followed. When the lift reached the top of the hill, Hermione dismounted properly, but Neville nearly missed. Lukas coached them from the bottom, and they took off down the hill. Hermione promptly face-planted.

Lukas removed his skis and rushed to her side. "Are you okay?" he asked, bending beside her.

Hermione lifted her head out of the snow. "Yeah," she said. Lukas helped her get up and guided her down the slope. Neville brushed snow out of her hair when she reached the bottom.

"So, how'd you do?" she asked Neville.

"I went pretty sideways," said Neville. "But I managed. It's actually pretty fun. I'm ready to go again."

"Really?" Hermione asked. "Okay, let's do it."

* * *

Hermione fell many more times.

"Well," she said after about the fifth go, "I'm clearly not cut out for this. Neville, you're kinda rocking it, though!"

"You sound surprised," said Neville.

"Well," said Hermione with a blush, "I mean, just knowing your history."

Neville looked around. "Lukas," he said, "what's the next step up?"

"The next biggest hill, you mean?" Lukas clarified. "That one there. It's still considered a bunny slope, just a little steeper. You wanna try?"

Neville looked at Hermione's nervous face. "Yeah," he said. "Why not?"

Nobody had been expecting either of them to succeed so much they'd be moving on to another slope, so the crew quickly made way for their stars to tackle the next slope.

"Hermione," said Lukas, "I would not recommend you do this."

Hermione cackled. "Oh, thank you, Lukas. I was definitely going to do it before you said that."

"No offense," he continued.

"None taken!" she laughed. "Oh wow, he's already on his way up!" Neville reached the top of the hill and dismounted the lift confidently. Hermione's heart fluttered at the base beside Lukas. Neville got to the edge and waved to them. "GO NEVILLE!" they cried. Neville took a deep breath, shoved off, and then completely wiped out. Hermione screamed. Lukas and some other staff rushed to his aid.

Neville had sprained his ankle. They brought him back down to Hermione's side. "I'm sorry, Hermione," he said.

Hermione kissed him. "You were brilliant," she said. "Come on, let's go inside where we belong."

* * *

They got Neville some ice for his injury, and they gave the couple a private lounge with hot cocoa and a cozy fireplace.

"They say I'm lucky," he said. "It could have been way worse. I should be able to walk normally within a week."

"Oh, Neville," said Hermione. "What got into you today?"

Neville shrugged. "I thought I was good enough. Lukas thought I could do it, so, you know, fire that kid for sure. And...you know...kinda showing off for you."

"You don't need to show off for me, Neville," said Hermione.

"Yeah, I do," said Neville. "But I guess, it's probably more for me than for you. I need to make myself believe that I deserve you."

"Awwww, stop," said Hermione. "I don't give a rat's ass how good you are at skiing."

"Good," said Neville. "But, I wasn't half bad."

"You were miles better than I was," said Hermione. "I've got two left feet."

"Maybe with more practice, I could take that hill," said Neville.

"Well, we'll have to come back then," said Hermione. "Maybe Lukas will be a surgeon or something great by then."

"Ehhh," said Neville. "Wouldn't count on that." He poured himself some more cocoa. "Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"That really does sound like a good plan. Coming back here in a few years," he said. "Blimey, this is our last date."

"No," she said, then stopped herself. "Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be. Don't you think about it."

"I gotta think about it," he said. "This is the end, isn't it? Nothing else on the itinerary."

"Nothing else," said Hermione. "We can stay here as long as we like, though, within reason. There's a hot tub somewhere."

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah. You wanna go?"

"I didn't bring swim trunks," said Neville. "Can we rent those too?"

"Oh, I don't think _rent_ is the proper word," said Hermione.

Neville laughed. "No, I suppose not."

"The MBBC can buy them for us," said Hermione.

"Great," said Neville. "Let's do that."

They got some spiced wine to drink and spent some quality time in the hot tub, which really made Neville's ankle feel better. They saw the sunset on the Alps before having to return to their rooms.

NEVILLE CAM: "Harry? Oh, gosh, I completely forgot about him. That's probably for the best, right? I mean, if this is going to be my last date with her, I want it to be a good one, no matter what happens next. And this was a very, very good one."

* * *

"Harry," said Gilderoy, "it's time to go look at rings."

"Rings?" Harry asked. "Oh, sure. We just do that right here?" He looked around at his hotel room that had gotten a tad bit cluttered. His Pensieve sat on the desk glowing ominously.

"No, our jeweler is off-site. I'll take you," said Gilderoy.

"Sure," said Harry. He ran his hands through his hair before leaving the room with Gilderoy.

"So," said Gilderoy, "I heard you were having a rough time."

"Yeah," said Harry, "but I think I'm good now."

"Great!" said Gilderoy. "Nothing worse than having a favorite contestant back out."

"Oh, back out? No, that's not me," said Harry. "I love Hermione. I'd never back out on her."

"Good to hear!" Gilderoy said. He put his hand on Harry's shoulder, and they apparated.

They arrived at a mountain cottage. An older, balding wizard sat casually in a reclining chair sipping champagne. "Hello, Harry!" he said. "I am Nigel, and I'm here to help you pick out an engagement ring."

"Excellent," said Harry.

"Take a seat, young man," said Nigel. "This is very exciting, isn't it? I have a wide variety of rings and stones here." He opened a case, and multicolored stones sparkled at Harry. Nigel waved his wand, and the diamonds rose to the top. "We have, of course, your diamonds. The traditional stone for marriage, and supposedly good for fertility, eh?"

"Heh-heh," said Harry politely. "What else? Hermione is not very conventional."

"I see," said Nigel. He waved his wand over the case, and the diamonds returned. A green stone rose to the top. "Perhaps she'd like jade? It symbolizes pure love, serenity, and truth. A most romantic stone."

"Oh, god, no," said Harry. "Ugh, I just mean...nothing green. It reminds us of..."

"Slytherin? Right," said Nigel. He waved the jade stones away. "Here are some various colors of quartz crystal. Quartz is extremely popular nowadays as it has many magical properties associated with love. Do any of these speak to you, sir? What's the lady's favorite color?"

"Ummm," said Harry. He was drawing a blank.

Nigel waved the quartz away. "There's also Zircon, which comes in these delightful pale colors. Beautiful as your lady, aren't they? Great stone for beauty and sensuality, and represents your eternal love and friendship."

"I think...can I decide later?"

Nigel glowered at him. "No, Harry. The proposal is tomorrow. You must have a ring. I've offered everything I can."

Gilderoy stepped in. "Harry has been under a lot of stress this week. We can let him some time to rest. I'll bring in Neville. Should probably have gotten him first anyways. He's much more...stable." Gilderoy grabbed Harry and apparated out. They reappeared in the lobby of Harry's hotel. "Harry," said Gilderoy sternly, "please be honest. What do you want to do?"

Harry thought he might cry. "Gilderoy, please," he said, "can I talk to Hermione?"

* * *

"Yes, Mum, I'm sure," said Hermione with tears in her eyes. "Tomorrow. I'm excited. But I feel so bad about-" There was a knock on the door. Hermione moved the phone away from her lips and looked in perplexity at the door. "Mum, can I call you back?...It's probably Gilderoy. Yes, see you soon! Love you!"

She hung up the hotel phone, wiped her eyes quickly with a tissue, and opened the door. Harry stood there with a crew behind him. "Harry?" she asked tentatively.

"Hermione," he said. "Can I please come in?"

"Uh, sure," said Hermione. They sat side by side on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I...I need to know now. I can't go on if I don't. Do you want to marry me?"

"Oh, Harry," she whispered, tears in her eyes. She hugged him and started crying. "Oh, Harry, Harry, Harry!"

It was at that moment Harry realized he had screwed up. "Oh, oh, no, erm..." He felt his chest tightening in panic. "What...what I meant was...oh no..."

"Harry," she moaned. Then she let up and looked him in the eyes. He braced himself for a passionate kiss, but then she said, "Oh, Harry. No."

"What I meant was...they want me to pick a ring, and, I just can't bring myself to because I've been thinking...wait...did you just say 'no'?"

"I'm so sorry!" she sobbed. "I did think...it took me until today to realize..."

Harry wiped away her tears with his sleeve, then grinned at the cameramen. "She said no! SHE SAID NO! Oh, Hermione!" It was his turn to embrace her, in a twisted sort of happiness. "Oh, Hermione! You really _are_ the best!"

"Wait...what?!"

"Oh, Hermione," Harry repeated. "I really thought I was in love with you."

"And I you! But then I just got this feeling..."

"That something just wasn't quite right?!"

"Yeah!"

Harry breathed a huge sigh of relief and fell backwards in the bed. "You have no idea how this makes me feel."

"Oh my gosh. I'm so glad you came here! I was just talking to my mum, and I couldn't decide how I wanted to go about this, but then you...you just made it so easy!"

"Hermione, I _am_ sorry that it had to be like this," he said. "I mean, I'm disappointed in myself, I think, that I couldn't get there."

She took his hand. "But it's okay," she said. "It's a strange feeling, but, this really was a blessing. I feel...light."

"Like a huge weight is just gone?"

"Exactly," laughed Hermione.

"Well," said Harry, "I guess, this is goodbye?"

Hermione laughed at the absurdity. "I really am sorry too. I feel like...and I know this is terribly cliche...but maybe down the road, we could stay really good friends."

"Yes," said Harry. "Yes! That's brilliant! You're brilliant, and, I'm so glad I came here and met you and everyone. I learned so much about myself. And you and Neville...you're going to be just great."

"Thank you," said Hermione with a huge smile.

She hugged Harry one more time, and he kissed her on the cheek. "Goodbye, Mrs. Longbottom."

Hermione chortled. "Goodbye, Harry."

* * *

"What," said Rita Skeeter.

Hermione and Gilderoy sat across the table from her, all smiles. "That's right," said Hermione. "It's just Neville. Which is fantastic, because I was going to choose him anyways. Really, that was the _best_ break up I could have ever imagined."

"What," Rita repeated.

"I had a feeling it would come to something like this," said Gilderoy. "I'm terribly sorry it didn't come to a huge fight or something. I know how much you love the drama. But, isn't the point that two people have found each other and can't wait to get engaged tomorrow?"

"What," Rita repeated.

"Can you please say something else? I know this is surprising, but, now that Harry's already gone, I was hoping that we could make tomorrow's engagement extra special," said Hermione.

"What."

"Oh, just wait until you hear this," said Gilderoy. "It will be the best engagement in the history of _The Bachelor_."

* * *

 _Breathe in, breathe out._

Neville had never before found it so incredibly necessary to think about breathing, but he was so very afraid that he would forget to do so.

 _Breathe in, breathe out. Put on suit jacket. Breathe in, breathe out. Adjust tie. Breathe in, breathe out. Am I wearing pants? Breathe in, breathe out. Hair as good as it's gonna get. Breathe in, breathe out. Don't forget the ring. Breathe in, breathe out. Gilderoy arrives. Breathe in, breathe out. Apparate. Breathe in, breathe out. A beautiful flowered path leading out over the lake. Breathe in, breathe out. Mountains all around. Village in the distance. Skiing was fun. Breathe in, breathe out. Gilderoy says some stuff. Breathe in, breathe out. I'm supposed to walk now. Oh gods. How does one walk? Breathe in, breathe out. Right foot, left foot. You got this, Neville. Time for either the best or worst day of your life._

HERMIONE CAM: "I knew this day would be exciting, but I wasn't prepared for just how excited I would be. Neville is perfect. I think on some level, in the back of my mind, I knew all along it would be him. But I had to play the game. I had to weigh my options and give the other guys a fair shake. In the end, it was so painfully obvious to me that this was right. I feel stupid for not ending this whole thing sooner. Think of how much more time we could have had together! But I guess I wouldn't have traded this experience for the world. We needed the journey. What's that saying, 'it's not about the destination, it's about the journey?' Eh, agree to disagree today. This destination has made the whole journey worth it."

NEVILLE CAM: "I had a whole speech planned for this moment, but now as I'm getting closer to her, I can't remember a bit of it. Guess I have to 'speak from the heart' as they say."

"Hermione," he said. _Oh gods. Now what? Do I get down on one knee now? I've never watched this show before. What's the guy supposed to do? Oh, bloody hell, she's talking._

"As you know I had many great guys," Hermione was saying. "But you always stood out to me, even when you thought you weren't standing out. That humbleness is one of my favorite things about you, Neville. As you know, I'm not always all that humble."

"No," he said with a laugh. _Good job, idiot. You've said 'Hermione' and 'no.' What is wrong with you? This is going to be on TV, too!_

"As the show progressed, I was continually blown away with how easily you were able to read me and calm me down. I feel like I've known you so much longer, and Neville, and I want to keep knowing you for the rest of our lives. And I've been waiting so long to say this...I love you, Neville Longbottom."

"I'm sorry?" Neville asked. "Can you say that again?"

"I love you," she repeated with a nervous giggle.

"Oh my gods," Neville said, the rush of those words nearly knocking him over. "I love you too, Hermione!" He hugged and kissed her, and he had the distinct feeling he was forgetting something. He stared into her eyes or what felt like an eternity before it hit him. "Oh, bloody hell!" He dropped to one knee. "Hermione Granger, you are the love of my life, and I can't wait to start a new journey together, you beautiful, fantastic, crazy, amazing-"

"Neville...!" Hermione muttered with tears forming in her eyes.

"Oh, right. Will you marry-?"

"YES!" She squealed with delight as he slid the ring onto her finger. "Oh my gods, it's beautiful!" she whispered.

"Did I choose right?" he asked.

"It's perfect," she said, wrapping her arms around him. "Oh, wait. Gilderoy says I have to do this." She picked up a rose, and just for good measure, got on one knee. "Neville Longbottom, will you accept this rose?"

"Yes, Hermione. A hundred times yes."

They kissed some more, and doves were released. Neville jerked away for a moment in shock, then resumed kissing Hermione.

"But wait," Hermione whispered. "It gets better."

"Better? How?" he asked.

"Come with me," she said.

They walked back up the flowered path, and Gilderoy was standing at the edge waiting for them. "Congratulations, Neville," he said, shaking Neville's hand.

"Thanks, Gilderoy," said Neville.

"We have some people who are just dying to see you," said Gilderoy. Gilderoy gestured to a pegasus-drawn carriage. Out of the carriage came Mr. Granger, Mrs. Granger, and Gran.

"Merlin's beard!" he cried. "Gran! You came all the way here?! You all knew?!"

"Hermione made a special request last night to get them all out here," said Gilderoy.

"Right after Harry went home," said Hermione. "I knew before then, of course, but-"

"Oh, so Harry's been gone?!" Neville exclaimed. "Oh, wow!"

Gran hugged and kissed her grandson, followed by Mrs. Granger, and then a hearty handshake and pat on the back from Mr. Granger.

"Welcome to the family," said Mr. Granger.

"Thank you, sir!" he said.

The Grangers hugged and kissed their daughter.

"Smart girl," said Gran to Hermione. "I knew you would do the right thing, dear."

"Thank you, Gran," said Hermione, hugging her.

"Oh, this place is lovely!" exclaimed Mrs. Granger. "We should have the wedding here."

"I know the perfect church!" Neville cried, and Hermione pushed him playfully.

Gilderoy turned to the cameras. "Well, Bachelor Nation, this concludes another exciting journey for another happy couple. We're going to give the happy couple and their family some space now, but please join us for "After the Final Rose _,"_ beginning immediately after the credits!" He pointed his wand at the screen, and the credits rolled over scenes of Neville, Hermione, and their family.


	14. After the Final Rose

Cho, Cedric, and Luna sat with Mr. and Mrs. Granger in the front row of the MBBC studio.

"So you think it's going to last?" Cho asked them.

"Oh, yes," said Mrs. Granger. "And I'm not just being biased. They seem much more equipped than a lot of the couples that come out of these things."

"It will be challenging," said Mr. Granger, "but they're smart kids, and they're committed."

"I'm so excited this is finally happening!" Cho squealed. "What a _crazy_ last episode!"

"Oh, well, I can't say I'm too surprised that Harry lost his marbles when it came down to it," said Mrs. Granger. "He has some growing up to do yet. So does Neville, for sure, but, there is a difference."

"Those two still talk, you know?" Mr. Granger said. "All three of them went out last night."

"That is so funny," said Luna, "but I'm not surprised."

"That shit was cracking me up," said Cedric. "Have you seen the 'she said no' remix?"

"The what?" asked the Grangers.

"They'll probably show it," said Cedric. "If not, I'll show you later. Harry's a meme."

"A what?" Mr. Granger repeated.

He didn't get an answer, because the lights flickered. A spotlight fell on Gilderoy in his signature white suit. The audience applauded as expected. "Welcome, Bachelor Nation, to the MBBC studio! Tonight marks the end of another journey for love, and I think we all can agree, that Hermione and Neville found it." Lots of applause here. "It has been such a pleasure working with those two and watching their relationship grow in real time," said Gilderoy, "as well as getting to know Hermione's other suitors. Tonight we have of course the happy couple backstage, as well as our runner-up, Harry Potter." Applause and cheers for Harry. "How about that Harry Potter, huh?" More cheers for Harry. "Poor kid. Well, there will be a special announcement ahead, and we have not one but _two_ surprise guests tonight. So who's ready to get started?" Applause and whoops. "Alright, let's bring out our Bachelorette, Hermione Granger!"

Hermione was wearing the red dress. Gilderoy hugged her and kissed her lightly on the cheek before she took her seat beside him. "Hermione," said Gilderoy, "you are still glowing!"

"You know, Gilderoy, I know it's been months, but it really does feel like it was yesterday," said Hermione. "And I don't just mean the proposal. I mean the whole thing."

Some laughter from the audience. "Hermione, your season took even longer to film, because we did have to take that break in the middle," Gilderoy pointed out.

"Yeah, but, I mostly black that part out," said Hermione. "It's just too painful to think about."

"Right, I can imagine," said Gilderoy.

"Although, that incident did bring me closer to the final three," said Hermione.

"Yeah, okay, you're right," said Gilderoy. "Ron, Neville, and of course Harry were central in that battle."

"Yeah, I honestly did take note of that," said Hermione. "This is not diminish the other men at all, but, when a girl's life is on the line, a girl notices certain things." Lots of laughter and applause.

"So, Hermione, every contestant who comes through here says that they learn about themselves," said Gilderoy. "What was your biggest take-away?"

"My biggest take-away...was probably that real love can happen in even the strangest of circumstances," said Hermione. Some audience members applauded at this.

"You were a skeptic," said Gilderoy.

"I was," said Hermione, "but I obviously can believe now that this can work. I guess I also learned...I pretty much had a checklist of what I thought my perfect man should be."

"And it wasn't Neville," said Gilderoy.

"No," said Hermione. "I mean, just look who I gave the first impression rose to!" Uncomfortable laughter. Gilderoy decided not to comment on that one. "Although I like to think that if we went back and Neville had spoken to me sooner, I'd have changed my mind!"

"Well, I think I can speak for everyone when I say you handled every situation that came your way with grace and dignity," said Gilderoy. "Now we're about to take a break, and when we come back, Harry is going to join us. I want to point out that this is not how we would usually do this. Usually we'd have Harry come out on his own and sort of vent his feelings before we'd have you two confront each other for the first time. But you guys are breaking all of the rules. I hear from your parents that you, Harry, and Neville have hung out together?"

The audience laughed and applauded. "Yeah," she said. "Only twice though."

"Twice?! Okay, well, I can't wait to discuss that and more with Harry, after the break!"

* * *

"Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! I'm here live with Hermione Granger, who I know can't wait to appear in public for the first time with her new fiance, Neville Longbottom. But first, Harry Potter. He was always a frontrunner and looked possibly poised to become Hermione's husband, until the worst case of cold feet we've ever seen set in. Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Potter!" Harry entered to applause from the audience. He sat down beside Hermione. She hugged him warmly. "This is weird," Gilderoy said. Everyone laughed. "So, Harry, am I to understand that you are third-wheeling on Hermione and Neville's dates?"

"NO!" Harry cried. "It's not like that! Okay, so, the first time we saw each other it was completely by accident. I was at Neville's."

"Stop," said Gilderoy. "What were you doing at your ex-girlfriend's fiance's house?"

"Well, I was getting there, Gilderoy!" Harry said.

"It's really not weird," said Hermione.

"I had to pick up herbs for a potion," said Harry. "And, usually I would go into Diagon Alley for that, but, my celebrity has increased to a really obnoxious level following this show, so, I've been getting my plants from Neville."

"I can relate to that," said Gilderoy. "Go on."

"So I pop in for herbs, and Hermione decides to pop in for, I can't remember why."

"Just because we're engaged," said Hermione.

"Right, that makes sense," said Harry. The audience was dying of laughter.

"And please tell me that was at least somewhat awkward," said Gilderoy.

"Yes," said Harry. "It was the first time I'd seen Hermione since Hallstatt. So Neville suggests we all sit down together for a spot of tea and clear the air."

"So what I'm hearing is, everything that _usually_ happens here, right now, has already happened," said Gilderoy.

"Correct," said Harry. "And then it ended up being an enjoyable time when it was all said and done, so we decided to do it again sometime."

"Well, alright then," said GIlderoy. "So you two really are just friends now?"

"Yes," said Hermione.

"Well," said Harry.

"Oh gods, Harry, don't ruin it!"

"Well, hold on," said Harry. "I'm not going to say anything you haven't heard already. I do still kick myself for what happened on the show. And I think I will always wonder what might have been had I been able to pull myself together."

"No, I could say the same thing," agreed Hermione.

"Now my favorite moment from that episode," said Gilderoy, "and I think we can all agree, was when Harry finally went to confront you in your hotel room."

"That _was_ weird," said Hermione.

"Let's watch," said Gilderoy.

The room darkened and everyone turned their attention to the screen. The remixed version of Harry's botched confrontation to Hermione played.

"This is my ringtone," Luna whispered.

When it was done, Gilderoy said, "so, thankfully, Hermione had already decided on Neville. Harry, just what was going through your head?"

"Fair question," said Harry. "Okay, so, I think it really starts for me back around Hawaii. Hermione was taking Ron, Neville, and Dean on their second one-on-ones. And I started wondering if it was worth it for me to still be there."

"So that's quite a bit before the end," said Gilderoy.

"Yes, but things were getting really real," said Harry. "My concern at the time was of course, the craziness with my personal life. I really wanted to revisit that with Hermione, to make sure she was okay with it, which she assured me she was. So I calmed down a bit, and the next two weeks were really great. We had hometowns and the fantasy suite. I...I kinda got the feeling that I was looking for a way out. I suppressed that, and I enjoyed myself, and I loved her, and there was really no logical reason for me to feel like I should go home, or that I shouldn't want to marry her. So I just kept thinking that the feeling would go away. But when it came down to me and Neville, it just wasn't fair anymore, to either of us."

"So, was it that you just weren't ready for the commitment, or...?"

"Definitely not," said Harry.

"Well," said Gilderoy, "you know many people want you to be the next Bachelor." Cheers and applause from the audience.

"And I think that is an absolutely terrible idea," said Harry. "I was obviously in over my head before. Why would it be okay to put me back into that situation?"

"Well, if I may," said Hermione, "I think it's probably completely different being in my position than it was being in yours. You'll have the power, you'll have 25 different girls, and you grow up fast. You're getting a whole lot of dating experience all at once, and it works."

"Something to consider," said Gilderoy.

"I still think it's best if I stay away," said Harry.

"I figured you might say that," said Gilderoy. "So...Ron Weasley?"

Ron walked on stage to a standing ovation. Harry about lost his mind. "RON!" he cried.

"Hey, mate!" said Ron. Ron and Harry bro-hugged.

"Just to be clear, this is the first time they're seeing each other," said Gilderoy.

"Alright," said Ron, "so, my man, I hear you're everyone's first choice to be the next Bachelor."

"Which is a terrible idea," said Harry.

"I agree," said Ron, "so I'm going to cut you a deal. I will take your place as the Bachelor, if you take my place in Paradise."

"Paradise?" Harry asked. "What's that?"

"Well, Harry, I'm glad you asked!" Gilderoy said. "ROLL THAT PARADISE TAPE!" The room when dark, and the same spot that had played at "The Men Tell All" played here. The audience cheered. "What do you think?" asked Gilderoy. "Should he do it?"

The audience's cheers overwhelmed the studio. "Alright," said Harry weakly.

"Louder," said Gilderoy.

"I SAID ALRIGHT! I'll do it!" Harry said. "Sounds interesting."

"So, Ron Weasley," said Gilderoy, "I guess you are the next Bachelor."

Harry and Ron shook hands as Gilderoy made his announcement about the commercial break. When the cameras were off, Harry asked, "Alright, am I good now?"

"No," said Gilderoy. "You're going to need to stay on for one more segment. We have a second special guest coming on to talk to you and Hermione."

"Another one?" Harry asked. "To talk to _us_?" He looked at Hermione, who shrugged. Nobody except Gilderoy seemed to know who the second special guest was.

* * *

"Welcome back, Bachelor Nation. I'm sure nobody has forgotten that in the middle of Hermione's season, we were forced to halt production due to the return of You-Know-Who. While we have all discussed this in depth many times, there is one loose end yet to be resolved. What happened to Draco Malfoy? Well, we're about to find out. Draco is here tonight." Gasps from the audience.

"Bollocks," Hermione said.

"Draco actually personally reached out to us and asked to appear on the show tonight. We have no idea what he wants to say. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Draco Malfoy," said Gilderoy. There were some scattered claps, but mostly booing and hissing as Draco walked on stage. Harry and Hermione shot daggers at him with their eyes. A third chair was added to the stage, this one on the other side of Gilderoy. Draco sat. "Okay, Draco, since you asked to come here, I'm going to just let you say what you want to say," said Gilderoy.

"Thank you," said Draco. He looked at Harry and Hermione with pained eyes. "I want to start by saying I'm sorry to you, Hermione. I left without saying anything to you, and I'm sorry. There was no excuse for it."

"Uh-huh," said Hermione.

"That's not the main reason I'm here today, though," said Draco. "I have a lot more I need to say. Now, fair warning, what I'm about to say will be very upsetting. Also, my parents don't know that I'm here, and, after I say this, I'm probably going to change mine and their lives forever. Harry, Hermione, everybody, I know how Tom Riddle got on the show." A few gasps were heard through the silence. Everyone was just staring at him. "As I said on the show, my parents are Death Eaters. I choose my words very carefully there. Not _were_ Death Eaters. _Are._

"I want to be clear here. When I signed on to do the show, I really was looking for a wife. I _am_ looking for a wife. And Hermione and I did have a connection, obviously. While I was raised to hate muggle-born witches and wizards, being on the show made me question that. There's obviously a lot of pressure from my family to marry pure-blood. But I digress. Harry," he said, "my parents learned that you were going to be on the show with me, and they took some steps behind my back to orchestrate the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

Gasps and screams from the audience. Gilderoy, Hermione, and Harry looked at each other in shock. Rita Skeeter rushed onto the stage. "Everyone, please, calm down," she said. "Gilderoy, out."

"But," he said.

"You are not equipped to handle this interview. Draco is throwing his parents under the bus and probably straight into Azkaban. OUT!"

The audience was in a state of disheveled chaos. Gilderoy reluctantly relinquished his chair to Rita. "Okay, Draco, dear," she said. "You are doing wonderfully. Please continue."

"Harry, you probably remember this," said Draco. "Tom's diary."

"Oh, shit, yeah," said Harry. "He was manic about that thing."

"Okay, I'm really fuzzy on how this magic works," said Draco. "My parents said it was a..."

"Horcrux," said Harry.

"Oh, shit," said Rita. "I don't know if we can say that on TV. Can we say that on TV?"

Draco and Harry ignored her. "So you knew?" asked Draco.

"We had a hunch," said Harry. "Yeah, Rita, may I take over?"

"Uhhhh...I guess?" Rita said. She was talking into her wand.

"A Horcrux is an item that contains a part of the wizard's soul. I don't know how it works either," said Harry, "but the Order had guessed that Tom had probably gotten on the show by Horcrux. I actually feel really stupid in not guessing it was the diary."

"So my parents had the diary," said Draco. "They stashed it with my things. I brought it onto the show, completely unaware-"

"You expect me to believe that?!" Hermione shouted, pushing herself out of her seat.

"Hermione, don't do anything crazy," said Harry.

"I realize it's far-fetched, and I don't expect you to believe me, but that is the truth," said Draco, "and I know no amount of apology can undo what happened, but I wanted to apologize anyways. I am trying to be a better person. Harry, Hermione, I am sorry that my family's actions ruined the show and put you and everyone else in such great danger."

"Try the whole world, Draco!" Hermione seethed.

"Hermione, sit down!" Harry said.

"How are you so calm?!"

"Because I've lived this my whole life," said Harry. "This is just a blip on the radar. Besides, whatever his intentions, Draco is doing the right thing now."

"Thank you, Harry," said Draco.

"A little irresponsibly," said Harry. "Live national television, seriously, Draco? This confession should have happened behind very closed doors at the Ministry."

"But it is _wonderfully dramatic_ television," said Rita.

"Shut up," said Harry.

"I was tired of being a meme! I want to be liked again," said Draco.

"Oh, good lord, this is embarrassing," said Hermione. "Can we please move on?"

"Draco, I'm going to get you in touch with the Order," said Harry. "It's going to be alright. Thank you for confessing. I know this wasn't easy."

"Thank you, Harry," Draco said again.

Harry poked Rita. "I'm thinking it's probably time for a commercial," he said.

"Oh, right," said Rita. "Sorry, I was talking to the lawyers. When we get back, Hermione and Neville will talk about how in love they are."

The live portion ended, and it seemed everyone breathed a collective nervous sigh. Hermione buried her head in her hands. Rita and some crewmembers ushered Draco out. "This was supposed to be mine and Neville's big night," she said. "Draco just hijacked it."

"I'm sorry," said Harry. "It was a really big deal, what he did just now."

"I know, but, he didn't have to do it here, tonight," said Hermione. "Ugh, look! He's got fangirls already!" Harry looked. Some female fans had intercepted Draco and were taking pictures. When he started with autographs, Harry wretched. "I kissed that," Hermione whispered in disgust.

"Well, you're not marrying that," said Harry. "Looks like he got what he wanted out of everything."

"Indeed," said Hermione.

Gilderoy returned. "Ah, there you are, Harry," he said. "It's time for you to go."

"Right," said Harry. "Good luck, Hermione!"

"Thank you, Harry!" Hermione said. Harry got up and walked off the stage. Gilderoy sat next to Hermione.

"That's Neville's seat," Hermione whispered.

"Who?" asked Gilderoy. Then he looked around. "Oh, yes, right, of course."

The lights flickered. Gilderoy was sitting in his appropriate seat when the cameras turned back to them. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was unexpected! We apologize for any distress caused by our surprise guest. This, folks, is the moment we've all been waiting for. Neville and Hermione have been sneaking around in the shadows for all these months since our filming ended, even keeping the secret from their own friends, but now, for the first time, they may appear in public as a couple! Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome to NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!" The audience, though still in a daze after the last segment, knew what to do. They got to their feet, including Gilderoy. Hermione rushed to meet Neville as he walked out. They walked hand-in-hand together back to their seats. "Neville," said Gilderoy, "the man who just narrowly made it through night one."

"Yeah," said Neville. "I was just an idiot. I don't know who that guy was."

"But it all worked out for you, didn't it?" Gilderoy asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I suppose it did."

Everyone laughed at the understatement. "So, Neville," said Gilderoy, "what was going through your head on that first day when you met Hermione?'

"Well, Gilderoy, I was intimidated," said Neville. "I thought I was in way over my head, and the fact that I was so already infatuated with her just completely terrified me."

"When would you say that infatuation started?"

"Oh, right out of the carriage, for sure," said Neville. "And then after our first conversation, I knew that I was in trouble. She was better than I could have ever imagine."

"Hermione," said Gilderoy, "I remember you saying to me that you thought Neville was one of the best-looking guys in the house on night one."

"I did say that," said Hermione with a blush. "I had quite the crush on this one."

"When did that crush start to turn into the love that we see before us today?" Gilderoy asked.

"For me, the shift probably started to happen on our date in Norway," said Hermione.

"Me too," said Neville. "That first one-on-one date was just, so easy."

"It was always easy with him," said Hermione. "It was like, no matter what insanity was happening around me, there was Neville. And Neville was always Neville. And I was just like...I need this in my life."

"Neville," said Gilderoy, "where does this easy-going, almost sagely attitude come from?"

"Sagely?" Neville asked. "Oh, wow, I just honestly...well, I really think people just mistake my shyness for quietly contemplating the mysteries of the universe. I promise you there isn't all that much going on up here."

"Yet you always seemed to say the right thing," said Gilderoy.

"Total accident," said Neville. "I guess my philosophy coming in here was just...I'm not going to be anything other than myself, because I want Hermione to like me for me, not some fake TV-version of me, because a relationship built on lies can't possibly last."

The audience applauded. "Sagely wisdom," said Gilderoy.

"That shouldn't be sagely wisdom! That should be common sense!" said Neville.

"I think what made Neville stand out the most was actually that. I didn't feel like I was ever 'on a show' or 'playing a game' when it came to him," said Hermione. "I mean obviously there were cameras everywhere, but it just felt natural. Like this relationship could easily have happened off camera just the same."

"Well, not _just_ the same," said Neville. "The locations, for example."

"They were just backdrops, though," said Hermione.

"Okay, so, we've obviously all seen where you came from," said Gilderoy. "What's next for Hermione and Neville? Are you already wedding planning?"

"We wanted to take these months to extend our dating and getting to know each other," said Hermione. "But now we'll start planning."

"And we're going to start looking for a house," said Neville. "One that's just ours."

"That's just the logical, matter-of-fact answer I would expect from you two," said Gilderoy. "Big wedding? Traditional? Destination?"

"We honestly might have it in Hallstatt," said Hermione. "Not at the charnel house though."

"That'll be the magic wedding," said Neville, "and then we'll have another one in London for her side of the family."

"Oh, so, the muggle family," said Gilderoy.

"Yeah, my mum and dad are the only ones that are in the know when it comes to the wizarding community," said Hermione. "It's just cleaner that way."

"So you're going to get married on skis, then?" Gilderoy asked.

"YES!" Neville cried, while Hermione cried "NO!"

"Well, once again, it has been a pleasure, and we all wish you the absolute best. Hermione and Neville, everybody!" Gilderoy said.

They stood up and waved to their friends and family in the front row. Cheesy music played, and the cameras panned the audience, a whole slew of people whom neither Hermione nor Neville really knew or would ever see again. Then, the house lights came on, and the cameras turned off. Gilderoy cast off his white suit jacket and sulked backstage for another Old Merlin. The strangers gathered their things and left the MBBC studio. Cleaning crews started to move in. A crewman picked up the vase of roses that were sitting on the table by Gilderoy's chair, tossed the flowers in the trash, and dumped out the water.

"It's over," Hermione whispered.

"Shame," said Neville. "This is the best part."


End file.
